Meeting The Unpredictable (32 page)

“You’re welcome. I’m not sure I’ll need anyone to tag along for my other appointments, but I’ll let you know how they go.”

“Sounds perfect, and it was great to see you again, Tyler.” Mom pulls Tyler in for a hug then walks through the parking lot to her car.

“What the hell was that?” I say as Tyler shrugs.

“A mother making up for past mistakes?”

“That went way too well. Maybe she’s smoking crack?” I joke as Tyler pulls me into his chest.

“That day you said you volunteered but you weren’t at the animal shelter, you were here?” I look up into his eyes and nod my head yes. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t really like talking about it.”

His eyes darken. “And when you picked the name Maddy for your dog, it was really a friend’s name?” I start to pull out of his hold but Tyler won’t let me. “You don’t have to tell me anything right now but, Lennie, you need to understand I want it all.”

My eyes widen. “I want every piece that makes up Lennie Jacobs, and when I find them, I’m not letting go.”

LENNIE IS WRAPPED UP TIGHT
in my arms, but I can’t help that my mind is stuck on the ring I bought the other day. I want more than anything to roll over and grab it out of my drawer and slip it on her finger, but that sinking feeling that she’ll run is back.

I think it’s possible that Lennie has let me in more than anyone else, but it’s clear I’m nowhere close to cracking her shell. My natural reaction is to push and Lennie’s is to run.

Today she’s seeing one of the specialists Dr. Ross recommended, therefore I naturally cleared my day to go with her.

My phone starts buzzing next to the bed. I turn it over to see my mom’s number on the screen. I slide out from Lennie’s embrace and unlock the phone as I walk out of my room.

“Good morning, Mother.”

“Tyler, it’s great to hear your voice.”

“What can I do for you?” I walk over and switch the coffee maker on. “Brandon told me he saw you the other day and that your conversation went well.”

I know my mother wants nothing more than to fix our fractured family, but one conversation with Brandon isn’t going to magically change how I feel about my brother.

“We did talk. His apology seemed sincere.”

“Oh, good.”

“Mother...” I pause when I hear her breath hitch. “Maybe one day, and I did say one day, Brandon and I will get to a good place, but one decent conversation doesn’t wipe away everything that happened.”

“I know.” Her voice sounds hoarse and that kills me. I’ve spent a lot of time upset with my mother, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve always known this situation was hard on her.

“Mom, take a step back. Stop worrying about Brandon and me and be patient.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. How’s Lennie doing?”

“Much better, thank you for asking.”

“I think you two should come over for dinner again.” I groan. “I promise it won’t be like last time. I won’t lie and say that Lennie is the woman I would have chosen for you, but if she’s the one you want to be with, then I’ll accept that.”

Acceptance is a gift not everyone will give.

Lennie didn’t have that with her parents. At least not when she was younger, and even now after spending years feeling second best to my family, my mother openly accepted Lennie into my life.

“Thanks, Mom. I’ll talk to Lennie and get back to you about dinner.”

“Wonderful. Have a good day, sweetheart.”

“You too, Mom.”

I walk back into my room and look down at Lennie, who’s still passed out in bed. I accept Lennie exactly the way she is, but she’s been programmed to believe otherwise. If I want to break through to her, I’ve got to get her to truly believe I want her exactly the way she is.

***

“MY APPOINTMENT WILL BE BORING.
Why don’t you stick around here and get some work done? I was thinking about going down to the shelter and checking in with Carla afterward, anyway.”

“I don’t mind stopping by the shelter. I’ll even walk a few dogs with you.”

Lennie chews on her lip, struggling to come up with something else to say. “These kinds of appointments take forever. Really, you’ll end up wasting your whole day.”

“Lennie, I want to come with you, so stop making up excuses for me to stay home.”

Her face falls, but she quickly turns to hide her reaction.

“Hey.” I walk up and wrap my arms around her from behind. “Are you expecting to hear some type of bad news?” Lennie tightens in my arms, which instantly sets my nerves on edge. “What’s the matter, what’s going on?”

Lennie pulls out of my arms and turns to look at me. Tears are pooling in her eyes. “Lennie, please. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I can’t have kids.”

My eyes narrow as I wait for her to say something more. “I know that. That’s why we aren’t using condoms and you’re not on the pill. Now why don’t you tell me the real problem?”

“That is the real problem!” she shouts as tears officially pour down her face.

“But you already knew you couldn’t have kids, so why is that a problem now?”

Lennie lets out a fake laugh, and it’s clear I’m missing something.

“I was told when I was sixteen the odds of me getting pregnant were next to nothing.” Lennie blows out a long breath. “I was sixteen, Tyler. I didn’t want a baby. I was still convinced that I was going to die in the near future, therefore babies and a family of my own weren’t on my radar. It’s never been on my radar.”

My chest tightens knowing exactly where her head is at.

“Do you want that now? Is that why you’re suddenly upset?”

“I don’t know,” she sadly says as her tears continue. “But I know I can’t ask you to give that up.”

“What?” I start shaking my head as I take a step closer. “You aren’t asking me to give up anything.”

“That’s not true and you know it. When you look at Amber and Brandon’s kids you already wonder what life would be like if they were yours. Even if you’re willing to give that up now, you’ll regret it in ten years, and I can’t stand the thought of being the one who kept you from something that important.”

My throat has gone dry as I try my best to force the anger I’m feeling down. “I want you, just you, and that means I’ll take you any way you come.”

The heartbreak and agony in her eyes are clear as day. She loves me, but right now, that’s not enough.

“Acceptance is a gift I’m willing to give. You can’t have kids? Fine, we won’t have any. You want kids? That’s fine, too. We’ll adopt a litter of them. You want to move every three months? We’ll do that, too. Just don’t throw in the towel on what we have because you think I’m giving up anything to be with you. You changed my life, Lennie Jacobs, and now I can’t picture my life without you.”

A new wave of panic crosses her face. “No, whatever we had is over. You need to move on because I’ll be leaving soon...without you.”

Without another glance in my direction, she darts out of my apartment door. I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like when Amber called off our wedding, but that’s nothing compared to how I’m feeling right now.

I didn’t fight for Amber because honestly I didn’t feel I had anything to fight for, but that’s not the same now. I love Lennie, but I don’t know if I have what it takes to keep her.

“WELL, IF IT ISN’T MY
long lost friend.” Carla’s smile fades when she doesn’t get the reaction she was hoping for. “What’s going on, sweetheart? Anything you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know. I was hoping to get in some dog therapy.”

Like always, Carla doesn’t push the issue. “Most of them have been walked already but none of them will complain about getting out a second time.”

“Thanks, Carla.” I walk down to the kennel Maddy was in only to find a new arrival, a small black and white dog that looks scared. Slowly, I open the kennel and step inside.

The dog scatters as far away from me as it can get. “Believe me, I understand the feeling.”

The dog turns its head away from me as I very slowly inch my way closer.

“It’s okay. You can trust me.”

“She might say the same thing to you.” I jump when I hear Carla’s voice behind me.

“You and this dog have a lot in common.”

I take a deep breath, but I keep my eyes locked on the dog as Carla continues talking. “Trust isn’t always easy to find, and it’s even harder once someone has let you down.”

I keep my eyes locked on the dog. “Who has let you down, sweetheart?”

Everyone—with the exception of Tyler—but Carla doesn’t know that because I haven’t told her anything about myself.

“I think I remember trusting my dad when I was really little. But my memories are foggy.”

“That’s a long time to go without trusting someone. What about that beefcake that’s always hanging around you? What has he done to make you not trust him?”

My chest hurts with the memory of Tyler’s face when I told him we were over. “It’s not a matter of trust with Tyler.” I scoot an inch closer to the dog. “I can’t offer him everything he deserves.”

“What does Tyler deserve that you don’t?”

This time I allow my gaze to meet Carla’s. “I can’t have children.”

Carla’s expression softens. “A lot of people can’t have children, myself included.” My eyes widen with shock.

“I was told by more than one doctor that it would be a miracle if I lived to see fifty,” I add.

“My husband died in a car accident when I was only forty-five, and if I had to do it over again, I’d marry him in a second,” she counters.

“Oh God, Carla. I’m so sorry.”

Carla gives me a meaningful smile. “It’s been almost ten years since his death and I still love him as much today as the day I said I do.” I glance back at the dog as I scoot even closer. “We don’t choose love, love chooses us, and when that happens, you have to stop fighting and embrace the gift you’re given.”

I reach my hand out and softly place it on the dog’s head. The dog still seems wry but it’s allowing me to touch her.

“I’ve always lived for today. I’m not sure how to live for tomorrow.”

“Everyone should live for today because tomorrow isn’t a guarantee, Lennie, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a life worth living.” I look back at Carla. “When you first walked through that door, you had a haunted expression on your face, but every day since I’ve seen it slowly slip away. If that man is the reason, then grab ahold of him and cherish every moment you’re given.”

My hand stops petting the dog and seconds later, I hear a small whimper as the dog presses its head against my hand.

“Like always, you managed to win her heart over in only a matter of minutes. No wonder that boy didn’t stand a chance around you.”

A laugh somehow escapes, and for reasons I’m still unsure of, I feel a thousand times better than when I showed up here.

“I think I need to go see someone,” I say as I push up to my feet. The dog instantly starts jumping on my legs. “What’s her name?”

“She doesn’t have one, but I think Maddy is a good name.” My heart drops as I process her comment.

“I can’t name her that. I already named the other dog Maddy.”

Carla fixes me with a look. “It was time for the other Maddy to move on, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t room in your heart for more.”

My eyes fill with tears for the second time in a matter of hours. We both know Carla isn’t talking about a dog, and somehow, no matter how hard it is to accept, I know she’s right.

I know without hesitation that Maddy would be pissed if I wasn’t enjoying my life.

“Don’t allow anyone to adopt this dog. I’ll be back.”

“Certainly.”

“And Carla?” I take a deep breath. “Thank you.”

“No, dear, thank you.” I smile and nod my head in silence before racing out of the shelter.

***

I WALK UP TO THE
door and knock. Already, my palms feel clammy. The urge to run has returned, but instead of giving in, I force myself to stay put.

“Oh, Lennie, I didn’t know you were stopping by.” Mom pulls me into a hug. “You said you’d call after your appointment, but I’m delighted that you decided to come by instead.”

“I’m actually here to see Dad.”