Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (37 page)

1.
 
Coração
(which sounds sort of like “korasow” and means “heart”)

4
Days in Addition to Today Darren Is Now Crying about, Even Though He Didn't Actually Cry on Any of Those Other Days

1.
 BUGS'S LAST FULL DAY IN CHICAGO

Bugs's mom, Andrea, is pretty much always in a good mood, and she loves to plan special days and stuff like that. So the last day before they moved, even though they were obviously pretty crazy with all the moving stuff, she put together a special day for Bugs and Darren. She had her sister, Bugs's aunt Bonnie, take them up to Six Flags, which was pretty awesome, obviously, but then even when that was over, the day wasn't. Because instead of just dropping Darren back off at the house, they drove to Andy's Frozen Custard, where Bugs's parents and Darren's mom met them. Which made the custard sort of the official good-bye custard, like the rest of the day wasn't a good-bye at all.

And even though both their moms were talking about when they'd see each other next, making all sorts of plans and acting all happy, Darren started feeling almost how going to Six Flags was like some kind of trick. Because Bugs was moving, meaning that having a great day with him only made that worse. So he barely ate any of his custard (and not only because he ate a mountain of crap at the amusement park) and instead just sat there trying not to show Bugs that he was sort of mad at him for moving, even though he knew it wasn't Bugs's fault.

2.
 THE DAY OF THE PASSOVER SEDER, FRESHMAN YEAR

His dad finally moved out of the house in mid-April of Darren's freshman year. Meaning for Passover, which fell in late March that year, they were almost still a regular family (though Nate was already at Michigan). Plus, Darren didn't yet know that his dad was gay, meaning it was still pretty easy to wish or just decide that things could somehow be how they used to be.

His family, even though they definitely were not very religious at all back then, used to host the Seder a lot, which a little bit annoyed Darren, because he doesn't really like the holiday all that much. He'll admit that the idea of it—all that slavery and freedom stuff, and the having to remember it—he'll admit that that's pretty important, and so he can understand why they'd make a holiday out of it. But he hates matzo and sitting at the table forever waiting to eat and most of the songs, too.

But his dad would get pretty into the Seder, to the point that for a bunch of years, instead of just telling the story about Moses and being slaves (like it says you're supposed to), he had everyone act it out or make up a song about it. Which was actually pretty awesome the first couple of times they did it, especially the second year, when there were costumes, too. But then, after maybe the third or fourth year of finding creative ways to retell the story, Darren just got the feeling that they were only still doing it because no one was willing to admit it wasn't that fun anymore, and so maybe they should go back to a regular, boring Seder.

Anyhow, freshman year, his parents decided to have the Seder with just the family, as opposed to inviting over relatives and friends and stuff. Even though everyone already knew his dad was moving out soon. Or maybe it was because of that. Whatever—the point is that it was only going to be the four of them. But then, pretty much at the last minute, Nate said he didn't want to come home, because of exams or something, which even Darren knew was a big fat lie.

His mom cried for most of the afternoon, plus his parents had all these horrible almost-arguments in what used to be their room (his dad was sleeping in Nate's room), the door to which was definitely closed (but Darren could still hear how they were having entire conversations in these weird loud whispers). Darren was hoping they'd either just cancel it or at least check to see if they could still accept the invitation from the Waxmans. But then around five o'clock his dad (like there was nothing strange about it) set the table for the Seder, putting out the matzo and the Seder plate and all the other crap, even though he only put out three places for actual people.

And as bad as that was, the actual Seder was much worse, to the point that even right now, as bad as everything feels, there's just no way he can really think about that, especially the part right after the Four Questions, when his dad leaned over and kissed his mom, who had started crying again for at least the fifth time that day and then kind of spastically pushed his face away.

3.
 ZOEY'S LAST FULL DAY BEFORE GETTING SENT AWAY

And Darren doesn't even know a single thing about it. He can remember a little bit of what happened to him that day, because it was only a few days after he got back from Ann Arbor, and his parents were still treating him differently, but that's not even the point. Because when he saw that last text message, the one Grace showed him a month or so later on the Patio, and saw that it was sent at 6:32 a.m., he just got this sense for how totally nuts things must have been for Zoey by the end.

Because that last full day must have been the day when her parents finally found her or when the police brought her home or even when she just showed up back at home in the same clothes she had been wearing since Friday. And even though Zoey was definitely kind of responsible for whyever her parents decided that the only option left was telling her at six thirty in the morning that she was going to New Mexico, he still bets she felt like that wasn't even an option, like her life was just sort of over at that point.

4.
 A WEEK AGO IN DR. SCHRIER'S OFFICE

Darren's had three sessions alone with Dr. Schrier. The first two were totally useless. Because Darren pretty much decided in advance that he wasn't going to even come close to talking about anything important. The reason being that he was only going to Dr. Schrier's in the first place to get his dad to shut up about Darren going to see Dr. Schrier (even though, of course, going to see him a couple of times didn't exactly appease his dad once and for all).

But the last time Darren was there, who knows why, he just started talking. It started with stuff about Rachel, and why she annoys him, but why he sort of likes her anyway. Because everything about Rachel kind of confuses him, so he figured, isn't the point of therapy to talk about stuff that confuses you? And maybe Darren was just tired, but Dr. Schrier started asking Darren questions and doing that thing with his thumb and index finger, until the next thing Darren knew, he was talking about almost everything. Everything but Zoey, in fact (who Darren felt like he should protect from Dr. Schrier). The point is, once he started talking, he couldn't really stop.

And after about a half hour Darren could tell that all this talking wasn't actually helping, but still, he couldn't get himself to shut up. Like his mouth was one of those closet doors in cartoons, the kind that when some characters unknowingly open it, he or she gets buried in an avalanche of shoes, clothes, tools, tennis racquets, picnic baskets, bowling balls, fishing rods, etc. And until Darren kind of cleared everything away, he wouldn't be able to shut the door, or his mouth, again. And you had to talk about stuff to clear it away. Or something like that.

But so eventually Darren started talking about Mr. Keyes, who knows why. Maybe because Darren sort of started sensing that all the other stuff (his mom, his dad, Nate, his lack of friends, and even Rachel) might be almost dangerous to keep talking about. So he sort of intentionally changed the subject to Mr. Keyes.

“I've been eating lunch a lot in Mr. Keyes's office.”

“Mr. Keyes?”

“The band director, I told you.”

“Yes, Mr. Keyes. Of course. What about him?”

“Well, he's got a ton of old jazz albums.”

“Yes?”

“The covers are pretty cool.”

“How so?”

“I don't know. They just are. Like, they're kind of the guys who invented being cool, you know? Like, people in 1870 or whatever, they didn't know how to be cool yet. Or even that you could be.”

“But now—”

“And he lets me choose what we're going to listen to.”

“And do you?”

“Yeah.”

“And then?”

“So then we listen to an album and eat our lunches.”

“And you enjoy that?”

Darren nodded but didn't actually say anything. Just pictured himself eating from a brown bag, and Mr. Keyes taking some Tupperware out from this little fridge he has plugged in near the corner of his office. And that's it. Because Mr. Keyes, exactly not like Dr. Schrier, never asks Darren anything, except maybe something musical. That's really it.

Because if Mr. Keyes ever did ask him anything, while they were sitting there chewing silently and listening to Thelonious Monk, it would probably be something along the lines of, “Hey, Darren, why it is that you, an almost-sixteen-year-old in a building packed with more than its share of almost-sixteen-year-olds, are choosing to spend a majority of your lunch periods with a thirty-eight-year-old failed jazz pianist listening to music recorded half a century before you were ever born?”

Around then Darren realized, back in Dr. Schrier's office, that he wasn't breathing so great. And definitely couldn't talk. So he just looked down and nodded for Dr. Schrier.

Luckily, their session came to an end just then. Dr. Schrier lifted up his nose and took one of those deep inhalations of his. Then, closing up the pad he had been taking notes on, he said, “How about we pick up from here next time? What do you say?”

3
More Questions, Not All Spoken Aloud, Asked Not That Far from the Corner of Gross Point and Touhy

1.
 Rubbing his shoulder, his mom asks, or maybe just says, “Honey, why don't you let me drive?”

2.
 “Because Ray didn't say you could drive his car today, did he?” Darren screams at her. “No, I don't think so.”

They drive on for a few more miles. João Gilberto's “
Águas de Março
” comes on. Just him, whoever he is, or was, on a guitar. If Darren ever followed a religious figure, he would have to sound exactly like this guy. Calm, accepting, and just a little optimistic.

3.
 Can you not know a language and understand it at the same time? Like this is Darren's useless superpower.

There's some other place where this song makes perfect sense. Where you're not weird for liking it.

Then it ends and it's just the two of them again. “I need this,” his mom says, pretty much under her breath. “I need a new beginning.” She speaks so quietly. But he can tell, she means it as much as she's ever meant anything. “I deserve a new one, Darren.” She means it so much, he feels like she couldn't possibly want her son, the one she used to call “my baby,” to know she can want something for herself this badly.

1
Offer of a Very Special Present

1.
 “Darren,” she says when they're sitting in the driveway. The car's off.

“Yeah?”

“I had an idea for a special present for you today.”

“What?”

“It's going to sound, I don't know, wrong now.”

“What?”

“Like I'm trying to bribe you to be okay with everything.”

“What?” He's losing his patience.

“I thought, I thought we could buy you a car today. A car that would be yours.”

Why is everyone determined to give him a car today?

“What kind?”

“I don't know. Nothing fancy. Nothing like this. But you deserve something special.”

“Thanks,” he says. Stares at the steering wheel for a moment or two. “But can we talk about it later?”

“Of course, honey. Of course.”

2
Awkward Displays of Affection Resulting from Darren's Effort to Show Some Gratitude, Because He Knows He Should

1.
 A hug seriously compromised by the car's armrest.

2.
 A kiss on his mom's cheek, which he wasn't going to give her, then was, then wasn't, then did.

2
Unsolvable Puzzles Darren Confronts While Kissing Her on the Cheek

1.
 Are you really supposed to kiss it full-on, the way you would someone's lips? Because there's something about the angle that sort of makes that impossible unless the other person is holding out their cheek to the side so you can come at it straight-on.

2.
 What, exactly, are you supposed to do when your mom not only doesn't make everything better (like she did, effortlessly, for the first fourteen and a half years of your life), but also actually now makes things worse (and maybe even much worse)?

3
Details of the Present Scene That May Account for the Surfacing of Unsolvable Puzzle #2 at This Particular Time and Place

1.
 Darren is sitting behind the wheel of a fancy car, which he has just driven 29.7 miles without so much as scratching it.

2.
 His mom has recently switched fragrances, which he gets a pretty clear whiff of when his nose briefly stops about an inch from her ear. The smell, objectively speaking, is probably really pleasant and bright, like it's soft and sharp and even airy all at the same time. But it doesn't smell anything like his mom.

3.
 Though he closes his eyes for most of the hug/kiss, there's this moment (just as the armrest drives into his ribs) when he gets a look at her hair against the backdrop of the fancy leather headrest, and the unfamiliar combination of colors (hair = maroon, headrest = dark gray) has him wondering where he is and who, exactly, he's hugging and kissing on the cheek.

5
Differences between Most Regular Meals and the One Nate Is in the Middle of When Darren and His Mom Get Home