Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You (32 page)

So Darren sent Ben a friend request.

2.
 MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 29

Darren had no idea how to respond to Zoey's drawing. Part of him thought it gave him permission to write her a real letter, and part of him wasn't so sure. He was so mental about her by this point, and even more mental about just being mental about her, that he didn't trust himself to use actual words where she was involved. Not to mention, without knowing how she meant “fond memory,” there was just no way to actually say anything without maybe sounding very stupid and even mean. All he did know was that he sure as hell loved that drawing, which kind of made him understand that whole “a picture's worth a thousand words” saying for the very first time.

But what about some songs? Some of the jazz he was now into obsessively? Who knows, maybe she just wanted them to send stuff to each other but not give each other updates about what was actually happening in their lives. Which was why she sent that drawing in the first place.

If those were the rules, he could be okay with them.

And songs were kind of what was happening in his life. To the extent that anything was. Like, how many hours was he spending in his room listening to these songs and copying all those CDs he got from the library?

Not to mention, he decided, it would be kind of cool just sending stuff without actual letters, because most letters people send each other are just a bunch of boring updates or dumb clichés. And Darren knew he could make a pretty good playlist, and would probably make her a bunch of playlists if she were here (and they were at least friends).

Plus, even though he wasn't going to be using words, the truth was most of the songs he'd include were either love songs or songs that feel kind of romantic to him. So in some ways he would be telling her what he thinks. And even if she didn't get that at all, so what? But he kind of had a hunch she would. Like she'd get it even if she didn't totally 100 percent realize she was getting it.

So he sent her a playlist with a bunch of old jazz tunes on it.

3.
 WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1

Ben accepted Darren's friend request.

4.
 WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1

Darren sent Ben a message:
Hey, I saw on your blog that you were at Savilleta Ranch Academy. A friend of mine is there. I think. Zoey Lovell. Do you know her? Is she okay?

5.
 FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10

Ben wrote back:
I can't talk about other residents. Sorry, man. I can't even tell you if she's there or not. Confidentiality: serious matter there. Serious. But if she is there, good place. Hard place too. But very good.

For a while Darren figured that was that. She was there or she wasn't, but this Ben guy was clearly not about to divulge anything useful, even though, if Darren had to guess, he totally knew Zoey, maybe even better than Darren. Which made Darren just about lose his mind. But right when he was getting ready to assume she didn't get his letter, or did but couldn't give a shit, and that the whole thing was, is, and always would be a very bad idea, then, on

6.
 SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25,

he got a letter from Zoey. Well, not exactly a letter. Another drawing. Rolled up in a tube. It wasn't totally clear what materials she used, some kind of weird paint. So maybe it was a painting. Whatever it was, the picture was mostly dark, though you could sort of see the ground near the bottom, which was definitely desert. But most of the drawing was of the sky, which she somehow filled with stars, like hundreds or maybe even thousands of tiny individual dots that were actually the paint or whatever it was being removed. Very carefully.

Because it was pretty obvious, looking at the dots, which weren't all the same size or at all evenly distributed, that she spent a ridiculously long time making each and every one of them. Darren could almost see her in New Mexico, sitting outside her cabin (or wherever the hell residents stay at Savilleta Ranch Academy, a cottage maybe?) at night, staring up at the sky, looking down at her picture, scraping away a super tiny spot, looking up again, and repeating this for like three nights in a row. Near the top left corner of the picture was a little white arrow pointing at one star. And just below that, the word, also scraped out of paint, “home.” A capital
Z
in the bottom right corner, same technique. That was it.

Darren, sitting in the house, which was one of his two supposed homes, wrestled with an urge to commandeer his mom's car and drive straight to New Mexico, even though he didn't have his license yet and hated driving. Instead, on that same day,

7.
 SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25,

he wrote Ben again. Maybe because all the alternatives (his mom, his dad, Nate, maybe Zoey or even Rachel) didn't exactly seem like alternatives. He was so confused about who to contact and what to say, he did one of those usually foolish, impulsive online things, which in this instance meant writing this:

Hey man. Zoey sent me a couple things. Her artwork. I don't know what to do. I really like her. These things she sent, I don't know, I think she likes me. And maybe needs something from me. To help her, even. But what the hell am I supposed to do? Am I crazy to like someone there? Am I crazy to think she likes me? Am I dumb to wait? I sent her a playlist, but I want to write her a letter and just tell her everything. I mean, EVERYTHING. Should I? I know you don't know me and maybe don't even know her, but at least you know where she is. I think. Please help.

But Ben didn't write him back for a while, so he just sent her another playlist on

8.
 WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 5,

which she still hasn't responded to. And Ben hasn't responded either. At least, he still hadn't when Darren went to bed last night.

9.
 FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 28

But here it is, the first birthday present Darren gets today. A Facebook message from Ben, which Darren reads on his phone, in his bed, while waiting for his dad and Ray to come and sing to him.

Okay, she's there. She is. Really shouldn't be telling you that, but I am (don't spread it, SERIOUSLY). As for telling her everything (I mean, EVERYTHING): not something I recommend. Not right now. Whatever she's dealing with, it's pretty intense. They make sure of that over there. If you show up thinking you don't have some serious shit to deal with, then first thing, they help you see you've got that very, very wrong. So yeah, basic tenet of the program: You're not supposed to have a girlfriend or boyfriend while you're there. Which I can explain why another time if you want, but basically: Dealing with your shit in a serious manner is not possible when you're telling yourself your girl-/boyfriend is going to make everything okay. Which is what everyone thinks. Everyone. Ergo: bad idea. But she needs a friend right now. Be that for her. Seriously. Oh, and happy birthday (Facebook told me).

So maybe it's not actually a present, but the timing, well, Darren can't exactly ignore the timing.

17
Songs on the First Playlist Darren Sent to Zoey

1.
 “I Love Music,” Ahmad Jamal

2.
 “Lucky to Be Me,” Bill Evans

3.
 “Autumn Leaves,” Cannonball Adderley

4.
 “Theme for Lester Young,” Charles Mingus

5.
 “Day Dream,” Duke Ellington

6.
 “
Fleurette Africaine
,” Duke Ellington

7.
 “All Too Soon,” Duke Ellington

8.
 “Dolphin Dance,” Herbie Hancock

9.
 “Naima,” John Coltrane

10.
 “Say It (Over and Over Again),” John Coltrane

11.
 “Ceora,” Lee Morgan

12.
 “My Funny Valentine,” Miles Davis

13.
 “It Never Entered My Mind,” Miles Davis

14.
 “I Loves You, Porgy,” Miles Davis

15.
 “I'll Remember April,” Sonny Clark

16.
 “Footprints,” Wayne Shorter

17.
 “Infant Eyes,” Wayne Shorter

11
Songs Disqualified from Inclusion on the Playlist Because Their Titles Were a Little Too Appropriate

1.
 “When Your Lover Has Gone”

2.
 “I Got It Bad and That Ain't Good”

3.
 “I Want to Talk about You”

4.
 “The Touch of Your Lips”

5.
 “I Fall in Love Too Easily”

6.
 “My Foolish Heart”

7.
 “You Go to My Head”

8.
 “You're My Everything”

9.
 “It's Bad to Be Forgotten”

10.
 “If I Could Be with You”

11.
 “Lover Come Back to Me”

3
Languages Ray (and His Dad) Sing “Happy Birthday” to Darren In (Actually, His Dad Only Sings the First and a Bit of the Last)

1.
 English

2.
 Portuguese

3.
 Spanish

5
Ray-Related Memories That Come to the Surface While Ray and His Dad Are Singing That Once Again Prevent Darren from Hating Ray, Even Though He Keeps Expecting to Really Despise the Guy and Still Sort of Wants To

1.
 The first time he tasted something from the Green Llama, which is this amazing vegetarian restaurant where Ray's the head chef. Just a little dumpling filled with sweet potato and who knows what else. The thing tasted so good Darren couldn't just say, “Whatever” to his dad, which is what he was planning on saying when his dad first demanded he taste the thing. Instead, “Holy shit, that's insane.”

2.
 The first time he met Ray face-to-face (and not just saw him from far away and through a car window, like he did the night of the soup delivery). Which was sometime in the middle of October, about four days after his dad decided to tell him (at Dr. Schrier's office) that some guy named Ray was now his official boyfriend. Darren stopped by his dad's place on the way to school that morning (he'd forgotten his physics textbook there) and found some guy on the couch, drinking coffee and reading the
New York Times
.

Darren just stood there, right by the entrance, looking at this guy, who was sitting on the couch, looking back at Darren.

“Good morning,” the guy said in this accent of his, because, it turns out, his dad is Brazilian and his mom is from Nicaragua (it might actually be the other way around).

“Hey,” Darren said, probably not loud enough to be heard.

Darren was so uncomfortable, he thought the back of his head might split open.

Only just then the guy said, “Ray,” nodded his head a bit, and raised his mug toward Darren, maybe to mean,
Yes this is awkward and perhaps unfortunate, but here we are, and look, we have survived this moment, so cheers.

Darren didn't say “Darren,” in part because Ray certainly knew who Darren was, but also because Darren was still more paralyzed than not. Though whatever Ray just said did allow Darren to resume breathing. And it was around then—after he remembered why he was there in the first place and that it was an otherwise regular Tuesday morning and that at some point he'd have to do something—that he noticed the music, which had been playing all along.

There was something about the rhythm that grabbed him. The song almost sounded like one of the songs (“
Recorda Me
”) Mr. Keyes was trying to teach them, but not exactly. It made Darren kind of want to tap his foot, even though he realized he had no idea how you were supposed to tap your foot to music like this.

Ray noticed Darren noticing the song, pointed to the speakers and said, “Novos Baianos.” Darren didn't say anything, so Ray said, “That's the name of the group. You like it?” Darren didn't want to answer, so he just shrugged his shoulders, walked to his room, grabbed the book, and left, mumbling, “See ya.”

3.
 About four days later, at their first official meeting, when something similar was playing. Ray said, “Darren, if you like, I can put some of this music on your iPod, if you like.”

Part of Darren wanted to say,
Ray, if you like, I can push you off a cliff.
But he didn't, maybe because Ray made his offer in this way that made Darren at least feel like he might want to consider it. It's a hard tone to describe, but it sort of sounded like, “I know we're only having this conversation because your parents got divorced and your dad came out of the closet, but this music is, I swear, a gift from heaven, and it would make me really happy to share it with you, and just think, if you really like this music—and I'm confident you will—then the divorce and your dad being gay wouldn't be all bad, so, you know, it's up to you.”

Or something like that.

So Darren gave his dad his iPod to give to Ray, who put this playlist with about fifty songs on it.

4.
 This one weirdly sunny and beautiful day in late October, when Darren decided to walk home from school. He put on Ray's playlist, which he hadn't listened to yet. Pretty much out of principle he hadn't. As in, screw Ray and his maybe literally gay music. But then, honestly, Darren was having one of those days he'd been having more often than not this school year, when it feels like the sucky-to-bearable ratio was around seven to one. Meaning he was feeling a little desperate. Plus, at some point Ray and/or his boyfriend/Darren's dad was going to ask Darren what he thought. So he might as well at least get this little bit of homework out of the way.

But then something strange happened. The music was kind of amazing. Almost right away. So much so that Darren suddenly started wondering, right there on Dempster, if his parents hadn't listened to this music all the time when he was little, because most of it sounded strangely familiar. He could swear he already knew it. As if he had two different childhoods but had somehow entirely forgotten about one of them.