Me and My Sisters (40 page)

Jack sank down into the couch. ‘Why didn’t you talk to me? All this time I thought we were trying for a baby and you were lying to me. Why didn’t you just tell me? I had no idea you felt this way. I’d no idea you were so bad after Jess. I never meant to make you feel pressured. I just thought we should try to get our lives back to normal and not turn into one of those couples who live only for their children and forget about each other. I wanted to put our relationship before our kids. You were always my number-one priority and Jess was a very close second. I didn’t mean to pressure you and the only reason I booked that ball was so that you could get out of the house and have some fun. I thought you seemed down in the dumps and needed a night out. You loved getting dressed up and going to balls. I thought I was doing something nice for you, cheering you up. Obviously I got it all wrong. I’m sorry, I really had no idea.’ He put his head in his hands and looked like he was going to cry.

I sat down opposite him. Suddenly my anger was gone, leaving me feeling tired and lonely. ‘It’s OK. I should have told you, but I was ashamed that I couldn’t handle motherhood and be a good wife. It should have been straightforward, especially as I had Mimi to help, but when I had Jess I found it hard to cope and eventually I realized I was depressed and needed help.’ I sighed and looked down at my hands. ‘Anyway, it’s all in the past now.’

‘But what about having other children? I don’t want Jess to be an only child. I promise I’ll be more supportive this time.’

I looked out of the window. ‘Jack, I’m just about managing to muddle through the day at the moment. I can’t even think about getting pregnant. Maybe in a year’s time, if everything is calm and sorted out, I’ll consider it, but I’m not sure. I have a lot to figure out and I can’t make any big decisions now. All I want from you is that you get a job so we can rent a house and give Louise back her apartment.’

‘I will, Sophie. I’m very good at what I do. I made millions for the fund. We’ll be back on our feet soon and you can give up work, get back to having a nice lifestyle, meet up with your old pals.’

I snorted. ‘Old pals? Those shallow bitches have barely bothered to get in touch. We’re out, Jack. We’re no longer welcome in the jet-set. We’re losers, has-beens. Anyway, I don’t think I’ll ever give up work again. I want my own life, my own money, the security of knowing that if something goes wrong again, we won’t lose our home.’

‘I always thought Victoria was an awful pain in the arse, to be honest. She was so self-obsessed. To hell with them all. We’ll make new friends, real friends. And I promise I’ll never lose my job again.’

‘You can’t promise that, Jack. Your job is up and down, highs and lows, people get laid off all the time, funds collapse all the time. I understand that now, so I want to be able to help. I don’t think all of the pressure to earn and support us should be on your shoulders. Besides, I was getting bored with my life and I like working. I like feeling that I’m doing something worthwhile. I do miss spending time with Jess, but if you get a job maybe I could work part-time. I want Jess to see the world as it is. I’ve been really stupid and filled her head with nonsense about money and diamonds. I want her to be realistic and understand that money doesn’t grow on trees and that you have to work hard to make a life for yourself. I want her to go to college and have a good career.’

Jack held up his hands. ‘Hang on a minute. I don’t want her to think that success is all about intellectual ability. I want her to know that you can be successful in lots of ways – not just by going to college and getting a degree. I don’t want her to feel stupid, like I did, if she doesn’t get into university to study medicine – or learn to play chess or the violin. I want her to choose a career that makes her happy. I love my job – thank God I didn’t go into medicine because I’d have been a terrible doctor. I just want Jess to know she has choices.’

‘Well, neither of her parents is an intellectual genius. With our DNA, chances are she won’t be a rocket scientist.’ I smiled.

‘She might have my brother Roger’s brains.’

‘Or Louise’s.’

‘So she could be a rocket scientist.’

‘Or a neurosurgeon.’

We laughed … It had been months since we had spoken to each other civilly, not to mind laugh. It felt strange.

Jack looked at his watch. ‘Shoot! I need to go. I’m meeting Harvey in twenty minutes. Look, I know it’s hard for you to give me money for all this networking, but I promise it’ll be worth it. I’ll do my very best not to pay for anything, but I really do think something could come out of this dinner.’

I fished out my credit card and handed it to him. ‘I hope so, Jack. I really do.’

37

Julie

Marian said she’d take the triplets for the two days I was in Paris, which was incredibly generous of her. I asked Mum to look after Tom, but when I told her to say nothing about it to Harry she got a bit suspicious. So I told her that he was going on a work trip and I was going to surprise him by joining him over there. She said she thought it was an excellent idea, and that I looked in desperate need of a break.

I had got hold of Harry’s laptop and found the email where he told Christelle the details of his trip. He was staying in Hôtel Jean Baptiste, rue Everett, and his Métro stop was St-Michel. Christelle told him to meet her at eight o’clock in the Café Le Petit Pont.

Marian and I Googled the hotel on her computer.

‘Two-star – it looks like a dump,’ Marian said.

‘Well, he can’t afford anything else. We had to cancel my birthday trip to Paris, but now he’s going over to see his mistress. It’s the ultimate insult.’ I sobbed.

‘Julie, you’ve got to stop crying. Your eyes are going to fall out of your head. Seriously, if you stopped bawling and put some makeup on, Harry’d be gobsmacked. You’ve lost stones and your shorter hair takes ten years off you. I want you to look your absolute best when you confront the bastard. I’m going to lend you my skinny clothes. I only kept really good stuff after I had the kids because, realistically, I knew I’d never fit into it again, but now you’ve been on the misery diet, you’ll get into them. At least one good thing came out of this. You got your figure back.’

‘I wish I was twenty stone and happily married,’ I wailed.

‘OK, stop with the waterworks – I don’t want to drown. Come on, try some of these clothes on. I was a fucking knock-out in my early thirties.’

I wriggled into a red halter-neck dress. It was size twelve and it was even a little big.

‘You cow! It’s stunning on you. With some makeup and heels, you’ll drive the French men wild. Now what about this?’ She handed me a slinky black sequin dress with a very low back.

I tried it on. It fitted perfectly. I was so shocked by my figure that I actually stopped crying for five minutes. It looked really good on me.

‘Jesus, you’re a super-model.’ Marian whistled.

Liam came into her bedroom. ‘OUT!’ Marian roared. ‘No small people allowed upstairs.’

‘I just want to ask Mummy something,’ he said. Then, he stopped, open-mouthed. ‘Mummy, you look weird.’

‘Good weird or scary weird?’ I asked.

‘Just weird.’

‘Do you like the dress?’

‘I dunno, it’s a bit shiny. But your eyes are funny. Are you still sad about your friend who died?’

Marian looked at me quizzically.

‘The boys were wondering why I was crying a lot, so I told them about my friend who died,’ I explained.

‘Oh, yes, that was so sad. Your poor mummy’s been very upset.’

‘She has sad eyes a lot now,’ Liam told Marian. ‘But she always makes them look nice before Daddy comes home. She doesn’t want him to be sad for her.’

Marian bent down. ‘Your mummy is a saint. Your daddy on the other hand is a –’

‘Marian!’ I warned her. I wasn’t going to slate Harry to the boys – yet.

‘I was just going to say your daddy is a very lucky man. Not everyone gets to marry a wonderful person like your mummy.’

‘Is Greg lucky to marry you?’ Liam asked.

‘Luckiest day of his life,’ Marian said. ‘Although he might describe it a little differently if you asked him. Now shoo.’

‘Hold on,’ I said to Liam. ‘What did you want to ask me, pet?’

‘What are Ghostfreak’s special powers again?’

‘He can pass through walls and become invisible, and he’s the creepiest looking of all the
Ben 10
aliens, which scares the criminals too.’

‘I forgot the invisible part. Thanks, Mummy.’ Liam scampered off.

‘How the hell do you remember that stuff?’ Marian asked. ‘I can never tell who’s who – there are so many bloody aliens.’

I smiled. ‘I have four boys. You either learn about all these alien guys or you get totally left out. I’ve kind of got into it.’

‘You’re a legend. Those boys are very lucky to have you as their mum.’

‘Well, I’ll need to keep up to speed as a single parent.’ I began to cry again.

Marian handed me a handkerchief. ‘Please let me kill Harry. I can’t stand seeing you so upset. You should put a stiletto through his thick head when you see him in Paris.’

‘I keep wondering what she looks like. You know, is she blonde or brunette? Is she much younger? Is she very sexy? Does she smoke and pout like all beautiful French women do? How can I compete with some young sex-bomb? He’s going to leave me, Marian. Confronting him isn’t going to change anything. Harry’s going to leave me and I don’t want to be alone.’

‘You’re gorgeous, you look younger than you are and you’re skinny now. You’ll have men queuing up.’

‘We both know I won’t.’

Marian forced me to look her in the eye. ‘Julie, I have seen a woman waste her whole life waiting for a man who was never coming back. I will not let you end up like my mother. If Harry’s going to leave you, then it’s going to happen no matter what you do. And you’re not going to spend your life crying about it. You’ll have a shit year and then you’ll pick yourself up and dust yourself down and get out there and live your life. You have four children. You don’t have a choice. You have to get on with your life. You have to hope that someone else will come along. You have to live. I saw my mother give up living. It was horrible growing up in that environment. I won’t let it happen to you or your kids.’

I hugged her. ‘Thanks for being my friend and my lifeline, and for being the only person in the world who would offer to look after the triplets.’

We both cried and went down to our kids with ‘sad eyes’.

Four days later I was sitting in a bar in Paris with my two sisters. The trip had been organized by Louise with military precision. When Harry told me he was going to Paris for work, I didn’t flinch. When he left that morning, he hugged me tight and told me he loved me. I was numb from head to toe. As soon as he left, I rushed the boys over to Marian’s with a suitcase of clothes for them. They had no idea what was going on: I hadn’t told them I was going away because they would have said something to Harry.

‘But where are you going, Mummy?’ Leo asked, looking upset.

‘I have to go away for just two sleepies. It’s very important, but I’ll be back very soon.’

‘But Daddy’s away too. Who will mind us?’

‘Marian – I told you.’

‘But Marian shouts and says bad words a lot.’

‘Yes, but she’s also a great friend to Mummy and you know you’ll have fun with her.’

‘Don’t go.’ Liam clamped himself to my leg.

I had to get out of there, drop Tom to Mum’s and get to the airport by eleven. I was already running late, so I used the oldest trick in the book: bribery. ‘I’ll bring you back treats.’

‘Sweeties?’ Leo asked.

‘Chocolate?’ Liam wondered.

‘Toys?’ Luke looked excited.

‘All of them. Sweets, toys and chocolate. Now I have to go. Be good for Marian.’ I hugged my little boys and squeezed them tight.

‘Ouch! Mummy, you squashed us,’ they complained.

‘Sorry, I just love you so much.’ A tear rolled down my cheek.

‘Right! That’s it, you lot. Get into the playroom.’ Marian stepped in. ‘Julie, get into that car and get on that plane.’ She frogmarched me to the car. I put Tom in his seat and turned to hug her.

She waved me off. ‘Good luck, and don’t make it easy for the cheating bastard.’

I dropped Tom to Mum’s and started crying when I saw him waving his little hands and shouting, ‘Bye-bye, Mama.’ I ran back to hold him.

‘Go on – you’ll miss your flight.’ Mum nudged me out of the door. ‘Don’t be getting upset. You deserve this break and Tom will be fine. Now go and have some fun with your husband.’

I arrived into the airport with minutes to spare. Sophie rushed over. ‘Come on, Julie, I’ve been having a heart attack. We need to run.’

And now here we were, the three of us sitting in the bar in the lovely hotel Louise had booked, drinking wine, looking out on to the Seine. After we’d arrived, Sophie went to take a long bath and Louise worked so I’d spent a couple of hours in the Shakespeare and Company bookshop, which was only a short walk from our hotel. I had always wanted to go there and it didn’t disappoint. It was as old and quirky as I’d imagined. Looking out on to the river with a view of Notre Dame, it was the most perfect setting to inspire writers and a wonderful way for lovers of books, like me, to potter about, wiling away an hour or two reading Hemingway or Proust or Joyce …

I bought a second-hand copy of Hemingway’s
A Moveable Feast
, which was recommended by one of the students working in the shop. He told me it was Hemingway’s memoir of his years living in Paris in the 1920s, spending time with F. Scott Fitzgerald, Hilaire Belloc and James Joyce, among others. It sounded so carefree and glamorous. I knew reading it would take me away from my miserable life for a while.

I walked back to the hotel, soaking in the beauty and majesty of Parisian architecture. It was even more stunning than I had imagined. I should have come to live here and not London after college, I should have travelled and explored and been more adventurous. I berated myself for settling down too quickly with Harry and getting overwhelmed by children. There were so many things I’d wanted to do, so many places I’d wanted to see, but I’d done and seen none of them. I’d stopped thinking about what I wanted and focused only on what my family needed. And for what? To find myself dumped at forty.

So here we were, the three sisters, sitting on the terrace of the hotel bar, on a beautiful balmy evening in Paris. I was wearing Marian’s black sequin dress with no back. Sophie had done my hair and makeup and made me look a lot better than I could ever have managed.

‘You look incredible, Julie,’ Louise said. ‘I know it isn’t going to make you feel better, but you really are gorgeous.’

‘The best I’ve seen you in years,’ Sophie agreed. ‘The dress is perfect and your hair is so much nicer shorter.’

‘Thanks, guys. And thanks for being here to support me on … um … you know … this, um …’

‘No tears,’ Sophie ordered. ‘You are not to ruin your makeup. After we’ve confronted them you can sob your heart out, but I want Harry and his mistress to see you looking beautiful.’

‘Have you thought about what you’re going to say?’ Louise asked.

I shook my head. ‘I can’t think straight. My heart’s thumping and I think I’m going to get sick.’

‘Deep breaths and more wine,’ Louise said.

Sophie looked around. ‘Who would have thought this time last year that all of our lives would change so dramatically? I certainly never could have imagined I’d be penniless and homeless and working full-time. And I know Julie never thought Harry would cheat on her and, Louise, you never thought you’d be a mum. How did this happen?’

‘Life throws you a curve ball when you least expect it,’ Louise mused.

‘It stabs you in the heart,’ I muttered.

‘It pulls the rug from under your feet,’ Sophie agreed.

I let out a huge sigh. ‘I’m forty. I’ve got four kids. I’m too old and tired for this. I haven’t the energy to be out in nightclubs trying to meet a new man. I’m going to be on my own for the rest of my life and that terrifies me.’

‘You’re not old,’ Louise snapped. ‘Forty is young and you look great. You don’t need a man to make you happy. You just need lovers to have sex and go out for dinner with. As far as I can see, husbands are more trouble than they’re worth. Look at how they’ve let both of you down.’

I didn’t like Louise slating Harry. ‘To be fair, until recently Harry has been a brilliant husband. He’s always made me feel great about myself, helped out with the kids, and he’s never been the type to dump me with the boys on Saturday afternoons so he can watch rugby matches with his friends, or abandon me on Friday nights for drinks after work. He was great, but now it’s all gone horribly wrong. I guess I put on weight and let myself go and the sex became sporadic at best and he lost interest in me.’

‘Hold on,’ Louise barked, banging her glass down on the table. ‘You were an amazing wife to him. You gave him four healthy sons, you looked after them day and night – even though it’s bloody difficult – and when he came home with salary cuts, you never complained or made him feel bad, you just budgeted even more. You have no time for yourself – you’re a bloody slave to your family. Harry may have been a great husband but you are an unbelievable wife and mother, so don’t put yourself down and blame yourself for his affair.’

‘She’s right, you know,’ Sophie added. ‘You’re brilliant – I don’t know how you do it. Your life always seemed such a struggle to me. There I was with one child in Montessori and a full-time housekeeper and you had no help at all. You have literally given up your life for your family and I admire you for it, but I think you lost yourself along the way. After Jack’s business went bust, I saw that my life was a bit empty and soulless. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being wealthy, I really did, but my whole identity was wrapped up in money, in being Mrs Jack Wells, in being part of an élite set, in appearance, clothes, the house I lived in and the car I drove. I definitely lost myself and I think you have, too, Julie, but in a different way. You’re so selfless. You never have time to yourself to do things outside being a mum and a wife. I think you need to try and find something for yourself that has nothing to do with the kids.’

I nodded. ‘Yes, I’ve morphed into a mum. That’s all I am. And I love my boys, but my life is like bloody Groundhog Day and it’s getting me down. I honestly haven’t had time to do anything for myself because we can’t afford help so the childcare is entirely up to me. But when the boys go to primary school next month, I’m going to try and find something I can do, something that feeds my soul. Because I’m drowning in motherhood, and the weird thing is that, although I never have a second to myself, I find it very lonely. Do you?’ I asked my sisters.

Louise shook her head. ‘Because I spend so little time with Clara during the week, I love being with her all weekend. I cherish our time together. I don’t find it lonely and I’m single.’