Me Again (28 page)

Chapter 33

“W
OW, JONNY – THIS
IS
A SURPRISE.”

From the sound of Teddy’s voice, it was clear this was an understatement.

We had still never spoken since I’d learned that he and Victoria were what my mother would call “an item.” But to be honest, I wasn’t really mad at him. It was hard to begrudge him a relationship with a woman of whom I had absolutely no memory. Still, as the weeks had passed, I’ll admit to having harbored a certain perverse pleasure in knowing that the longer this inevitable conversation was postponed, the more uncomfortable it was likely to be for Teddy. Whether this sentiment was a holdover of my days as a mean-spirited big brother, or simply some not entirely unjustifiable indignation over how voraciously Teddy seemed to have absorbed all that had been mine the moment I was out of his way, I couldn’t say.

At any rate, I was attempting to rise above all that now. When I arrived home from the hospital, my mind and my heart were still racing (though I couldn’t say which one was winning), and I’d decided it was finally time to make this phone call. Partly to clear the air, but also to find out whether I was as smart as both Rebecca and Mrs. Margolis seemed to think I was.

God, I hoped they were right. The shame I had felt after confessing my sins to Rebecca was still fresh in my mind, an open sore that threatened to fester if not treated quickly. I needed this money out of my life if I were ever going to feel good about the kind of man I was becoming. And I thought Teddy might be able to help.

But first things first. “Well,” I said, “I thought we should probably talk.”

“Absolutely, bro. And look, I’m really sorry that I haven’t called you before this. I’ve been meaning to. Really.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s just that things have been really crazy at work, and—"

“Really, Teddy – it’s okay.” Trying to let him off the hook, I added, “Besides, it’s not like there was anything keeping me from calling you.”

“It’s just... God, bro, this is awkward.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “Seriously. I don’t have any problem with you and Victoria being together.”

I was getting good at causing stunned silences, it appeared. It was a long time before Teddy spoke.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. Six years is a long time. Nobody expected me to wake up.”

“I swear to God we never thought you’d wake up,” Teddy said, the words pouring out in a rush. “You gotta believe me, bro. I would never try to snake her from you if I thought you were going to wake up.”

“I know.”

“I mean, the doctors all said...”

“I know.”

“Swear to God, bro. Seriously. No way I would have—"

“Teddy, I know. It’s okay,” I said again. “
We’re
okay.”

“We are?” Teddy’s voice was nearly a whimper.

I was actually starting to feel bad hearing Teddy squirm like this, particularly given my indifference towards Victoria. I couldn’t even take satisfaction from making the man who stole my girlfriend uncomfortable. The old Jonathan would likely shake his head in disgust at what I had become.

“Yes, Teddy. We are. We’re fine. Really.”

Teddy let out a sigh. “Man, I’m so glad to hear you say that. Seriously, bro. I’ve been totally dreading this conversation.”

“That’s sort of what I figured,” I said, smiling.

Finally gathering his wits, Teddy made some polite inquiries about my health, and fervently promised to find time to come down to Springfield for a visit. To his credit, he was making an effort. I couldn’t have been an easy person for him to talk to.

I decided it was time to get around to the other reason I’d called. The main reason.

“Teddy, I was wondering if you could give me some accounting advice.”

He laughed. “Wow, bro – now that’s a switch. You asking me for advice, I mean. Particularly about accounting. Who’d have thunk it?”

“The irony is not lost on me,” I said, noting that Teddy seemed to be enjoying this reversal perhaps a bit too much, given how contrite he’d been just moments before.

“Anyway,” I said, “now that you’ve been an accountant for a while, I’m curious. Are you any good?”

Another laugh. “What can I say, bro? Brandon taught me everything he knows.”

I smiled grimly. “Then you’re probably just the right person to ask this.”

“There’s this... person,” I began, “and he asked me for advice, knowing I used to be an accountant. Seems he has a sizable amount of money – around three hundred thousand dollars, I believe – that he’d like to donate to charity.”

“Oh, that’s no prob. I bet I can get him a killer write-off.”

“But here’s the thing. He’s not really interested in the write-off. Instead, he’s looking for a way to give this money away anonymously.”

“Really? Like, totally anonymously – so that even the charity doesn’t know who he is? Or just not publicly announcing what he did?”

This was a distinction I hadn’t considered. “The first of those, I think. He really doesn’t want to call any attention to himself.”

“Well, he can do that, but if it’s going to be totally anonymous, he’s not going to get a receipt or anything. He could do that, but frankly I wouldn’t recommend it.”

“I think the no-receipt thing is probably okay,” I said. “But there’s another thing, and I don’t know if this makes a difference or not. It’s all in cash.”

There was silence on the line while Teddy processed this. “Well, that’s a little more tricky. I mean, if he converts the money to, I don’t know, money orders or something, the banks still have to report any large cash transactions. And frankly, converting a bunch of cash in a bank these days is sort of the opposite of not calling any attention to yourself.”

“Why is that?”

“Money laundering, bro,” Teddy said. “Banks are looking out for that kind of thing, bigtime. They’ve got all kinds of new regulations, ever since September Eleven. You know, so that terrorists can’t move too much money around without people noticing.”

Teddy’s voice grew concerned. “Seriously, bro – how well do you know this guy?”

“Oh, he and I go way back,” I said, trying to sound self-assured but growing increasingly uneasy about my great idea. Steeling myself, I went on. “I mean, I can personally vouch for him, and tell you with absolute confidence that he is not a terrorist.”

“Drug dealer, maybe?”

“Definitely not,” I said. “I’m sure of it. “

Teddy wasn’t letting go. “I got it – I bet the dude’s getting divorced and would rather give his money away than let his wife get any of his stash.”

That was pretty good thinking, I had to admit. “You know, I never asked, but it probably is something like that.”

“Man, that’s some serious vengefulness there! Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face, am I right?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty crazy,” I said, my words summing up my plan with alarming accuracy.

“But about all this bank stuff,” I went on, “is there any way the guy can just give away the cash, without converting it to checks or money orders?”

“Well, yeah – I guess so. I mean, nothing’s stopping him from just handing a bag of cash to some bum on the street, am I right? But whoever gets the money is obligated to report it. Like if he gave it all to some non-profit, they’d have to file a Form Nine-Ninety, I think it is. I’d have to check.”

Teddy paused again, then said, “Thing is, you give that much cash to somebody – even a charity – you’re still talking about some human being handling all that money. That’s an awful lot of temptation. So he’d probably want to break it up into a lot of small chunks and deal with only the most reputable charities.”

This was sounding increasingly complicated. With everybody so endlessly eager to have more money, I was amazed at how hard it seemed to give the stuff away.

“Tell you what,” Teddy said, “let me think about this. I’ll need to check some of the regulations – this kind of crap changes every year.” He laughed. “Man, I thought I’d be done studying once I passed the CPA, but you’ve got to stay on top of this stuff, bigtime.”

“Teddy, I’d really appreciate it if you could help make this happen. And I can probably see to it that there’s some commission money in it for you. In cash, of course.”

Long silence.

“Actually, I think I’ll have to pass on that, bro. I’m doing really well here at the firm, and I really don’t want to get into anything that’s even slightly iffy. Let me just do this for you as a favor.”

Teddy had just moved himself up significantly in my esteem, surprising me with his ethics. Maybe Brandon hadn’t taught him everything he knew after all. Which reminded me...

“Speaking of favors,” I said, “could you maybe
not
tell Brandon about this?”

“Way ahead of you, bro. He taught me a lot about the biz and all, but between you and me, I don’t trust him any farther than I could throw him.”

“Smart man,” I said.

Teddy didn’t reply for a long time – I started to wonder if our call had been dropped. Finally he spoke.

“Did you just say I was... smart?” The word came out slowly, as from a man trying his luck at pronouncing some newly learned term in a foreign tongue.

“Well, yeah,” I said. “You’re considering every angle of this situation. Including some I never would have thought of. It sounds like you’re really good at this.”

“Okay, now you’re just fucking with me, right?” Teddy said, laughing uneasily. If his earlier discomfort had been awkward for me to endure, this was downright painful. I realized it was a safe bet I’d never said a nice thing to Teddy in his entire life.

“No, Teddy. I’m not. I do think you’re smart, and it sounds like you’re a terrific accountant.”

Another long pause, then Teddy said, “Seriously, did they crank up your meds or something?”

“No, I’m drug-free,” I assured him. “I’m... well, I’m different than I used to be.”

“That’s putting it mildly. I mean, seriously, bro. I’ve never heard you talk like this.”

I tried to lighten the mood. “Well, don’t get any ideas. I can still kick your ass.”

This succeeded in getting a laugh. Teddy said, “Well, unless you’ve been working out an awful lot since I last saw you, I kinda doubt that. But I’ll watch my step.”

“You do that.”

We seemed to have run out of things to say, so I decided to wrap up the call. “Listen, thanks for your help on this.”

“No prob, like I said. I’ll call you in a day or two with some ideas, okay?”

“That would be great. You’d be doing me a... a major solid.” Don’t ask me why I’d pulled that phrase out of the air.

Teddy cleared his throat. “Not for nothing, bro, but nobody says
major solid
anymore.”

“Darn comas,” I said. “They’ll mess you up every time.”

Teddy laughed. “I’ll give you a call in a day or so. Oh, and bro?”

“Yes?”

“Thanks for... well, for calling. I’m really glad we’re cool.”

“Me too,” I said, and meant it.

* * * * *

Rebecca emailed me later that night, letting me know she was home from the hospital and feeling “a lot better.”

The next day I kept my cell phone with me at all times, hoping she might call. Even though we were just friends, I’d still never worked up the nerve to call her. I somehow sensed it was more appropriate to let her be the one to decide if and when she wanted to speak to me.

I know, real friends don’t fret about this sort of thing – if they want to talk to each other, they pick up the phone and call. But I was finally admitting to myself that my feelings for Rebecca extended far beyond friendship. That I might actually be completing my transformation into somebody capable of love, if not of being able to count to five. But given our circumstances, that realization only made me proceed with more caution.

I think even someone skilled in mathematics would have had difficulty keeping track of how many times I checked my email during the course of the day. Late in the afternoon there was a new arrival in my inbox, but it was from Teddy, not Rebecca. He had assembled a surprisingly thorough summary of how banks treated large cash transactions, how charitable organizations recorded and reported donations they received, along with some recommendations on ways to make sure the money went into the right hands.

I was impressed – Teddy’s email showed a competence and logic I wouldn’t have attributed to him, as well as a concern for my well-being that really touched me. Several times he cautioned me to make sure I knew who I was dealing with, that money laundering was a serious crime I should steer well clear of. It seemed there was more to Teddy than a pinky ring and an opportunistically acquired (and notably busty) girlfriend after all. I resolved to make a real effort to rebuild our relationship, even if it meant getting used to being called “bro.”

Then I realized I’d never told Teddy that I’d soon be needing his help to sign over that expensive sports car to Brandon. I thought about this for a while, evaluating and discarding possible ways to broach this awkward subject. Then, in true Hooper fashion, I decided to put off this discussion. Until when, I knew not. But if Hooper tradition held, the right moment would make itself apparent to me.