Me After You (33 page)

She presses her fingers against her lips the way she always does when she’s trying to keep her emotions at bay. “Dean,” she exhales and reaches for me, but holds back, keeping her hand on her thigh. “I never knew it was that bad. If I had known… if you would have trusted me with that… we could have avoided the last six years. I would have taken you away from him. I never would have let you leave me.”

I nod. “But I was so afraid I’d turn into him. I was so ashamed. That kind of anger runs in my veins. My temper isn’t the most controlled, and I couldn’t end up like my father. If I ever did to you what he did to me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. So I had to cut the ties. I’ll never forgive myself. I’ll never forgive myself for the time we lost. I know now I’m not my father. I would never,
ever
lay a hand on you.”

“You’ve never been like your father, Dean. I always knew that.” Her hand lifts and presses against my chest, over my heart. “I could have told you that.”

I look up to fight back tears.
What is happening to me?
“You know, it took me all that time away to realize he was talking about himself every time he told me how worthless I was. I know now that my father had a choice. He let the grief of my mom leaving consume him, rather than letting me be his reason for living, rather than finding help and a healthy outlet to grieve.”

“You’re not worthless, Dean.” Sawyer’s deep brown eyes gaze up at me with sincerity. “You’ve never been worthless.”

I
T
NEVER
OCCURRED
to me that Dean could be just as broken. I’ve been so wrapped up in the wreckage that is my life, I never took the time to really look at him and see what he’s gone through. I never wanted to believe that anything could be wrong with Dean, because he’s always been so perfect in my eyes. Even now, as he sits with his emotions bare, I see how beautifully broken he is. He’s still perfect—so perfectly imperfect.

When Dean looks at me the way he’s looking at me now I have hope that the pieces of my shattered heart have a chance to be picked up off the floor. For the first time in all of these years lost, I feel I might be able to piece them back together. To make something whole. Together. It’s possible Dean and I could do this together.

“I was so stupid, Jack.” When he calls me Jack this time, I don’t feel bitterness or pain. I feel comfort and serenity. “Please forgive me. Don’t make me go another day without you. Let’s stop this. I’m so tired of not having you in my life.” He shifts, taking hold of my arms, curling his calloused fingers around my biceps. “Just seeing you here at my house.” He swallows. “I want to see you here with me. You fill this place of painful memories with light. I need more light in my life, Jack.”

I blink and finally feel relief. “You should know… I never stopped loving you. I loved Grayson, and for a time I belonged to him, but my heart always belonged to you.” I shrug. “Always.”

Dean bridges the gap between us and takes my face in his hands. He releases a breath when he looks at my mouth, and then his lips are against mine. There’s no way to explain how I feel the kiss all the way down to my toes. Though I feel his urgency, he remains tender. His tongue explores my mouth, and I’m brought back to every good memory, where we learned how to fit together seamlessly with every kiss and every caress.

One of his arms tightens around my waist, drawing me closer to his mouth, devouring me in a way he never has before. My name is a whisper on his lips—not Jack, but Sawyer. It’s more intimate. He makes me feel like I could survive on purely this—him, breathing life into me.

Life is worth breathing for again. Every bitter thought that has tried to swallow me whole vanishes. Through his touch, I can be mended. His hands move to grip my hips and his kisses slow.

“Even after all this time,” he whispers heavily against my mouth. “You taste the same.”

“I hope that’s a good thing,” I reply.

He pauses and smiles against my lips. “You know… I kept thinking the longer I was away the easier it would get, but I missed you more and more every day. I missed this.” He inhales and kisses me deeply, filling the parts of me that have been empty for so long. I know this is only the beginning, but it’s a start. “It hurt so much some days I thought it might kill me. If I wanted any chance at survival, I knew I had to come back and make you forgive me,” he breathes.

I press my forehead to his. “And then you came back, and I had moved.”

I feel his head shake from side to side. “You didn’t just move, you moved on.” He leans back. “I lost you. You were engaged, and Alix made sure I knew how happy you were and to leave you alone.”

“So, you heard I was happy and engaged and you gave up? Why so easily? That doesn’t sound like you.”

“No.” He shakes his head again, trailing his fingertips up and down my arms, leaving goose bumps in their wake. “I
saw
how happy you were, so I let you go.”

The air escapes my lungs. “What?”

“I went to Seattle.” He shrugs as if this isn’t the most important detail of all. “I was able to get that much out of Alix. I didn’t know how to find you. I searched in phonebooks and online through social networking. I was in Seattle for weeks and weeks. It wasn’t like I hadn’t learned how to survive without a permanent residence over the years.

“Then one day, I saw you. The heavens finally opened up for me. You were in a tiny coffee shop soaked to the bone and laughing. Your hair was dripping down your back and the brightest smile lit up your face. I was still drawn to you. That smile… oh, that smile.” His fingers stroke my parted lips. “And then I saw him, the one who was making you so happy, and I knew it was selfish of me to try and steal you back. I stood there for a solid twenty minutes fighting with myself. You know which side won. So, I left.”

“Soaked to the bone,” I repeat.

“Yeah,” he says with a chuckle. “Sopping wet. I couldn’t understand how you could look so comfortable when I knew how miserable you must have felt.”

I can’t breathe. With closed eyes I utter, “I couldn’t have been engaged…”

“What?” he says it as if he didn’t hear me, but he’s merely processing.

I open my eyes and look at Dean who looks more confused than ever. “If I was soaking wet, that was my first date with Grayson. We weren’t engaged.”

Dean’s head is shaking, trying to understand what I just figured out. He pulls away from me and leans back against the bench, running his hand down his face, grazing the scruff on his jaw. “Are you saying—?”

“How long did you wait to come back?” I ask to clarify, just to be sure. Alix couldn’t possibly have gotten the details
that
wrong. “Give it to me in years.”

He scratches the back of his neck. “About a year and a half.”

“Not long after I left for Seattle,” I mumble and stand. I need a minute of not looking at him.
I’m going to kill Alix.
My stomach ties into tighter and tighter knots until I feel bile rise in my throat. After all of this time, thinking he deserted me for
years…
She could have taken away all of the not knowing, all of the pain…
Why would she do that to me?
My back finds the railing to lean against for support.

“Alix lied to me?” The realization finally sets in for Dean. “She said you had been gone for almost as long as I had.” I swallow and shake my head to answer him, taking in deep breaths as I put myself inside Alix’s head.

“I’d only been gone for six months.”

As angry as it makes me, my mind tries to formulate why she would have done what she did. I realize she was trying to save me, so I looked like I had moved on rather than wallowed pitifully in my depressing life for the last year.

“That little—”

“Dean,” I stop him from saying something I would make him regret. “She was trying to protect me. It was a thoughtless decision on her part, but her intentions were honorable enough. And there’s nothing we can do now. If I’ve learned anything from this entire mess, it’s that holding a grudge and mulling around the what-ifs will only cause more heartache. What matters is that you came back, and so did I. I don’t want to waste any more time. I’m done wasting my life.”

He looks at me hesitantly. “Are you saying…?”

I put one foot in front of the other and slowly sit down beside him, our legs flush with one another. My fingers run through his hair, brushing it back from his eyes. “I surrender.”

He wraps one arm around my waist, splaying his fingers on my stomach. His other hand reaches up to cradle my face with the gentlest stare forming in his emerald eyes. A crooked smile creeps across his face. “You do? You promise?”

I nod. “I can’t promise I’ll be the same. My heart has been shattered too many times to be put back together and be unchanged. I will give you all I have, but there’s not a lot left to give.”

“Then I’ll make up the difference. I don’t need a lot.” He reaches for my left hand tangled in his hair and brings my wrist to his lips and kisses my sparrow. “Let me fill the cracks. Let me make you whole. Isn’t it clear by now that I’m not whole without you?”

A tear rushes down my cheek, and he kisses it away.

“What do you say we go find some dandelions?” he asks. “I know this really great park. It has a pond and some really cool willow trees.” The smile tugging my lips spreads across my face, and I lean in to kiss him. “We could lay down a blanket and watch the clouds go by. I hear its pretty relaxing,” he says between kisses.

“I think this plan gets better the more I hear about it.”

“There might be some Reese’s Pieces involved, but only if you’ll share with me.”

“I’m not very good at sharing.”

His arms wrap tighter around me as he says against my mouth, “Me either.”

S
PRING
ALWAYS
BRINGS
a fresh start. When the leaves on the trees sprout light green and the first flower blooms I feel renewed. Willowhaven is the most beautiful in the spring. If it could stay this way year round I would live contentedly forever, but I suppose it’s harder to appreciate the good when there’s no bad to compare it to.

A new season makes me revaluate life. I can see now that Dean couldn’t fix me. Neither could Grayson. I had to say goodbye to my anger. I had to let go of my bitterness. I had to dig myself out of the deep, black abyss that was my life on my own. You have to want it badly enough. There’s no easy solution to healing a broken heart. It took will power and an inner strength I didn’t think I possessed, but I made it out on top. Somehow after it all, I’m still standing.

I’ve taken a few tumbles, some unavoidable nosedives. There have been times when I have had to let life carry me some of the way. At times, I let myself stay down. But, today I’m standing. And that’s all that I can ask for.

After I leave my bakery, I head for Timberpond Park. I spot Dean making his way down the pathway. His shorter brown hair is disheveled, flickering with the breeze. He peers over at the willow tree along the bank of the tranquil pond, and a smile turns up the corner of his lips. When he looks up and sees me the smile grows. His entire face brightens and I know everything is right in the world.

I was never able to see myself without Dean. I know why now. I couldn’t walk away from him if I tried. He’s made me realize I don’t have to do this alone. He’ll stand by me through it all. I heal a little more every day with his help.

I’ve made peace with losing Grayson. My heart misses him, but it copes better with losing him than I thought it ever would. He wasn’t the one I was supposed to spend my life with. He was a scenic detour along the way. We may not always understand the reasons why things happen, but things fall into place when it’s their time. This is our time. Dean’s and mine. And I’m going to revel in every moment we have together because I know now how easily those moments can be taken away.

“Daddy!” Abigail bolts from my side, making a beeline through the grass, straight for Dean. He squats down to his knees and captures her in his arms.

“Hi, baby girl,” I hear him murmur into her long, dark curls.

I wouldn’t be able to do it without Dean. Every day he pushes me to be stronger, to believe in myself. He’s helped to mend my broken past, our broken past. And every day I try to be the light he so desperately wants—that he so desperately needs.

Dean stands with our daughter in his arms and rests her on his hip as he makes his way over to me. She grins and kisses his stubbled cheek, securely wrapping her little arms around his neck.

“Mommy, I found Daddy!” She beams.

“I see that.”

Dean takes my hand and softly kisses my sparrow. “Hey, Jack,” he says, and I smile. He kneels down with Abigail in his arms and rubs my belly before kissing it. “Hi, baby.” Gentleness caresses his voice.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. That I don’t miss you and the life we never had, the life you never got the chance to experience. It would be impossible for me to forget you. Though I only knew you for a few weeks, and though those few weeks were terrifying, I loved you all the same.

I know life happens. We can’t control what is thrown at us, but we can decide how we’re going to respond. I choose to stand with hope. In the end, hope is all we have, but as long as I have that, I know there will be better days. I know I will be able to withstand anything.

We live. We learn. We endure.

So I guess this is me.

After you.

Acknowledgements

This book is my heart and soul, but if not for the support and encouragement of all my people it would still be a draft in its roughest form buried in my computer.

Abbey Lane Photography and Sarah Hansen of Okay Creations, you managed to create the perfect cover. One that I could have only dreamed of. I don’t know that any cover will ever top this one. Thank you.

To my talented editor, Madison Seidler, who sobbed in a snuggie at five in the morning while reading Me After You, I’m sorry. But not sorry. Thank you for cleaning up my messes. I’m so grateful for all your little comments along the way that not only make me laugh, but make perfect sense.