Me After You (27 page)

The feel of his lips on mine invades my thoughts, their gentle eagerness consuming me. I break the connection and breathe. “I started to cry and shoved him away before running inside my house.”

“Abort. Good tactic. I probably would have done the same thing.”

“Felix, this isn’t helping.” I attempt to stifle my chuckle.

“Well, I have you laughing, so I’d say it’s a success. You needed to calm the heck down.”

“Me? You’re the one screaming in my ear and having difficulty finishing your sentences.”

“I’m fine now. I can function in this conversation. When did this happen?”

“Last night. I went over to his house and talked to him about Grayson. We had a moment—a
stupid
freaking moment of weakness. He told me leaving here was the worst decision he ever made.” I sigh and fall back on my bed with the phone attached to my ear. “What does that even mean?”

“I think it means leaving was the worst decision he ever made.”

“Thank you, Einstein.” My fingers pinch the bridge of my nose in an attempt to calm my oncoming headache.

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to pretend it didn’t happen. It was an impulsive mistake. He’s with Lily. I’m not over Grayson…”

“I’m sorry to break it to you, sweetheart, but I don’t think you’ll ever be over Grayson. That’s one you’re going to have to live with for the rest of your life. There is no such thing as closure. It doesn’t exist.”

“I was afraid you’d say that.” I curl onto my side and bring a pillow to my chest.

“It’s not a bad thing, Sawyer. Grayson was your husband. He was a part of your life for four and a half years. He didn’t just pass away peacefully. He was taken from you. If you tossed him to the side and forgot about him, I think that’d be a pretty disrespectful thing to do. I think you’ll learn to live with his loss. To be honest, I think you’ve already learned to live with the loss, and that’s okay.”

“But what do I do about Dean?”

She hesitates. “What do you want to do about Dean?”

I groan. “I have no idea.”

“Then don’t do anything reckless now. Just think about it, and remember what I said. As much as you want to keep it to yourself, he deserves to know the truth.”

S
AWYER
IGNORES
ME
at every turn. The kiss was impulsive, but I know she felt it, too. I know she wanted it as much as I did. No one can kiss like that and not mean it.

I’ve tried calling her and texting her with no response. I nearly catch her outside the café on Monday morning, but she darts away in the opposite direction, pretending she doesn’t see me. The feeling I get when our eyes meet can’t be ignored, and I know she can’t ignore it either.

We’re back to her avoiding me, though, this time it’s for a different reason, so I don’t feel so dejected. I want to go to her house, but I fear that’s bordering on stalker-ish. Plus, I really look like a jerk since she doesn’t know the truth about Lily.

I wish I had thought about that before I kissed her. To her, now I’m probably more than a cheater. But I don’t want to tell her that over text or in a voicemail. If only I could get her to look at me.

***

For a week, I do nothing but work. I keep my mind as focused on the bikes as I can. Though it’s a little escape, it doesn’t help completely. I finally spot her coming out of the drug store the following Tuesday. She’s walking down the sidewalk toward her car wearing black leggings and an oversized sweater. It hangs off of one of her shoulders, baring her flawless skin. Her hair is piled on top of her head in one of those messy buns that, even though she doesn’t put any effort into it, makes her look incredibly beautiful.

I rush to the opposite side of the street, avoiding an oncoming car and somehow come up close behind her undetected.

“You know, you’ve really mastered the power of invisibility.”

Sawyer spins around with her hand pressed to her chest. “Holy crap, Dean. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

I chuckle under my breath. “It never fails.”

Her fist darts out to punch my shoulder. I move, but she’s quicker than she looks and clips me just right. “Ouch.” I laugh.

“That’s what you get, punk. You scared me half to death.”

“You would think after all these years you’d be more prepared.” I wink and she glares, but it’s playful enough. And then it’s as if it dawns on her what happened when we saw each other last and she shifts uncomfortably, her eyes looking around at everything but me. If she had ruby slippers, she’d be clicking them together right about now. She needs me to pretend the kiss never happened, so I do.

“No Sprinkles today?” I ask.

“I’ll be going in a little later,” she responds casually. “I needed to run a few errands this morning, so Polly is having me close. It’s Tuesday. It’s usually not too busy to handle the bakery alone.”

I think about the last time she closed and grit my teeth. “You really shouldn’t be closing that place all alone that late at night.”

“That was a fluke night, Dean. Normally, I’m out of there by eight. We had a lot of prepping to do that day for a big order for following day.”

I don’t care. If that happened once, it can happen again. “On nights like that, will you call me, please? Let me either walk you to your car or take you home. I’d feel much more at ease if I knew you were safe.”

“Dean, I’m fine. I doubt Josh will try anything again.”

“I’m not talking about Josh. I know he knows better. But there could be others. This town isn’t free of creeps.”

“You’re ridiculously paranoid.”

“I don’t care, Sawyer.” I can’t stand the thought of anything happening to her. “Promise me.”

“Okay, okay,” she finally concedes. “But I don’t think you have to worry about that for a long time.”

“Nevertheless, promise me you’ll call me.”

“I will.” I nod, grateful she forfeited this fight so easily. “I need to get home to get ready for work.”

I can’t figure out what she would possibly need to change about her appearance, but she fusses with her hair self-consciously. “All right. Have a good day. I’ll see ya later.”

She lifts her hand to wave. “Okay. You too.” Sawyer walks away, and I watch her the entire way.

“H
EY
THERE
,
SWEET
girl. Long day?”

I offer my dad a small smile and collapse on the adjacent couch with a sigh. “Yeah. You could say that.” I reach for the TV remote on the ottoman.

He lifts his foot, resting it atop his other knee and sets down his book on the side table. “You know this old man’s a pretty good listener. Now that I’m retired, I’ve mastered quite a few arts. Something on your mind?”

Everything
. Hence the TV. I want it to drown out my thoughts, be a mindless distraction so I don’t have to feel. I want to stop feeling so much, stop feeling everything. I want it to all go away. Grayson, Dean, how everything unfolded…

Before I can turn on the TV to avoid this conversation, he says, “Sometimes avoidance can be the worst kind of self-destruction.” I tilt my head to look over at him. His eyes are saturated with worry. “I know you’re coping with a lot. You’re coping with more than anyone should have to, but when you don’t handle problems head on, they fester and escalate.”

“It’s not that easy, Dad,” I mumble.

“It can be. It’ll be hard initially, but once you give yourself the opportunity to heal, once you let yourself be open to the idea of moving forward, life will fall into place, as it should. But in order to do that, you need to deal with the problems at hand. You can’t keep your feelings inside, sweet girl. They won’t go away by avoiding them.”

I think he’s talking about more than Grayson, and I want to know how he knows, but I don’t ask. I don’t want to know what he knows. It’s not that I don’t agree with him, but it’s so much easier said than done.

“I’m trying, you know?”

“Are you?” he asks. It’s such a loaded question that I don’t answer. His eyes shift and land on my hands resting on my stomach. I realize he’s looking at my wedding ring. The sadness in his eyes mirrors mine. “Just think about it, sweet girl. I miss our Sawyer.”

I do, too.

***

The bakery door chimes. “Sawyer? You here?” Dean hollers.

“Back here,” I call, reaching for a new bottle of oil on the top shelf. Why Polly insists on putting the oil on the top shelf is beyond me.

The stool wobbles beneath me, and I know it’s going to give way, but I don’t have time to latch on before I fall.
This is going to be bad,
I think before steady arms catch me.

Dean grunts, placing me upright. “Looks as if I got here just in time.”

I turn in his arms to say thank you, but I didn’t realize how close we would be. Our lips are a breath away, but we don’t move. I can tell he’s as surprised as I am. The air thickens the longer we remain still, but neither of us is able to step apart.

“Polly should probably make the placement of ingredients more accessible,” he says softly.

“I was thinking the same thing.” My tone matches his.

His eyes drift to my lips, and my breath hitches. I watch him lick his lips before his eyes slowly travel back to meet my eyes.
He’s really trying to kill me, isn’t he?
I hate that I want him to kiss me again. I know that will make things so much more complicated. My fingers tremble with the need to curl into fists of restraint, but when they clench, they tighten around Dean’s biceps, revealing my desire. His eyes widen.

The front door chimes, and I jump. He reluctantly lets go, and I race to the front of the bakery. I’m startled when I see who’s up front. “Lily.”

“Hi, Sawyer.”

Dean follows me out of the back, and I know how bad this must look. I look back at him briefly before turning my attention to her. Nothing happened. I need to look less guilty. “What… what can I do for you?”

“Dean,” she says, caught off guard. She clearly didn’t know he was coming to see me.
Oh, this could be bad.

“Hey, Lily.” He sounds so calm.
How can he be so freaking calm?

“I was coming in for some cupcakes. My mom needs a dozen for Juliette’s twelfth birthday.”

“Right. The fourteenth. It’s your sister’s birthday today,” he says.

There’s an awkward pause, and I don’t know how to fix it. We weren’t doing anything wrong, but there’s an unspoken conversation going on between them. “Umm… what flavors can I get you?” I ask, grabbing a box from the shelf behind the counter.

Lily’s eyes speak volumes, but all she says is, “Juliette wants the black and whites.”

“Coming right up.”

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Dean asks. I think he’s talking to me until I see he’s looking at Lily.

“Sure.”

They walk outside, and I’m worried I’m about to witness a private fight. Though I’m not really that worried at all. I try to peek over the glass countertops inconspicuously, but it’s a difficult to remain hidden behind glass. I decide I don’t care and stare, ready to avert my eyes if they look inside. They are facing one another on the other side of the window. She’s nodding while he does all of the talking. For some reason, I thought it would be the other way around with Dean looking officially scolded, but Lily just looks sad and a little hurt. Even now, watching them fight, I feel a twinge of jealousy. She gets to fight with him.

He steps forward, reaching out to hug her, but she lifts her hands to ward him off. She’s definitely not happy. He says one word that I can’t decipher, and her hands withdraw back to her sides. Dean leans in and kisses her cheek. He hovers for a moment, and I can’t look any longer.

As soon as I’ve put the last cupcake in the box, they’re walking back through the door. I try to act as if I haven’t been spying on them, grabbing the closest rag to wipe down the countertops.

Lily walks up to the counter and pulls out her wallet. “How much for a dozen?”

“It’s thirty dollars.”

She hands me cash and smiles weakly. “Thanks. Have a good one.” She says, “Bye, Dean,” and walks out of the bakery. To my surprise, she leaves without him.

“Is she okay?” I ask. I care a little bit.

“She’s fine, but I should probably head back to work,” he says swiftly. “I can only trust Aiden there by himself for so long.”

I offer a soft laugh, but I know the trouble in paradise threw a wrench in our friendship. Or whatever it is we have going right now. “Did you need something?”

“What?”

“Well, you stopped by, but then Lily came so I didn’t know if you needed anything.”

“Oh, right.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Just wanted to say hey.”

 
“Oh.” I know I sound dejected, and I hate that I let my tone slip. Nothing is going on between us, and nothing will ever go on between us. I have to accept that completely now. Seeing him with Lily confirmed that. He loves her. “Well, hey.”

He nods and gestures to the door. “I’m gonna go.” He salutes me. “I’ll see ya later.”

“Okay. Bye.” I lift my hand to wave and watch him leave.

I’m not stupid. Alix nailed everything right on the head. I’m still in love with him. But he has Lily and obviously doesn’t have any intention of breaking things off with her. I can’t forget that he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. But sometimes it really doesn’t feel that way. So, we kissed. It was rash and thoughtless. It obviously didn’t mean anything to him or he wouldn’t have pretended it didn’t happen.

I have to know one thing—one thing and I will let this go. For good this time.

L
EANING
MY
HANDS
on my desk, I hover over it, staring at nothing and breathing through my frustration. Lily has the worst timing ever. Of course she had to walk into the bakery while I was there. If I were thinking straight, I would have stayed in the back. As soon as Sawyer said her name, I knew I was a dead man. She didn’t deserve to see Sawyer and I together so soon. I had to apologize to her. Not that anything happened. Well, something almost happened. Sawyer and I were
this
close.