May the Best Man Win (16 page)

 

 

“A contest?” I laughed to myself after I said that out loud on the side of my bed. “I got this shit sewn up.” I believed that wholeheartedly. I was a winner by nature. Spelling bee, cooking, style, and poise: I had all of that shit on lock.

“Kardell's stuffy ass doesn't stand a chance against me. He is in over his head.” I danced around my room like I was Muhammad Ali jabbing into the air like I was “like that.” “I'm up for the challenge . . . any challenge.”

All kinds of thoughts raced through my head as I made myself busy around my house sprucing up this and that. I looked around several times and thought,
I'll probably be moving into Mateo's house pretty soon, especially after I whip Kardell's ass in this contest
.

After finishing off the cleanup of my home, I sat on my couch and wondered what in the world could be on Mateo's mind when I came to this contest.

My thoughts were interrupted by the ring of my phone.

“Hello,” I answered.

“Hello, son,” my mother spoke in an even tone. Both of my parents showed little emotion as I grew up. I mean they loved us no doubt and they encouraged our school life but when it came to emotions and talking about how you felt, that was off-limits. It was school and more school to them. “Be successful” was their motto. I was successful. I was bred to be a winner.
I will win.

“Hello, Mother.” I was happy and full of joy. “What can I do for you today?”

“Nothing, son, I was just calling to see how you were faring in life.”

“Mom, things are actually very good right now. I have a home, friends, steady employment, and an awesome wardrobe, all the things a successful man could ask for.” I was saying hopefully what she wanted to hear. I was feeding her ego.

“Son, all of those things are great, but are you dating someone or just sleeping around with every Tom,
Dick,
and Harry that comes along?”

I gagged for a minute because I knew my mother didn't just come for me.
Did she just call me a whore on the sly ?
I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at it to make sure it was my mother I was talking to on the phone.

“Mother, are you feeling well?” I asked, confused at the sudden interest in my love life.

“Lewis, I'm worried about you. You never call and you never discuss what is going on in your life besides work and projects you are working on.”

“You never seemed to care.” There was a lump forming in my throat after I said that. I was nervous about her response. My parents both have low tolerance for what they may see as foolishness.

There were a few brief seconds of silence on the phone.
What, my mother speechless for once?

“Hello,” I spoke into the phone to see if she was still on the line.

“Yes, I'm still here.” She paused again. “You know, Lewis, your father and I did our best when raising three children. Yes, we missed some things and some steps making sure that you were successful. I see the error of my ways now and I'm trying to correct it. I know it may be too little too late, but I am sorry for not sharing with you and just talking
to
you. I know now that there is a difference between the two. Do you forgive me?”

Now I was the one who was speechless. I didn't know what to say. What does one say when a parent asks for forgiveness?

“Are you dying or something?” That was the first thing that came out of my mouth. It was like she was making her peace with me or something. It was really weird having this conversation out of the blue.

“Lewis,” she said sternly. “I'm not dying. I'm apologizing.”

“I'm sorry. I was just caught off-guard by this whole conversation. I do forgive you, Mom.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“No problem, Mom.”

“Lewis, you never answered my question.”

“And what was that?” I asked, playing dumb. I even snickered a little away from the phone. Teasing my parents was a hard habit to break easily.

“I asked if you were dating anyone.”

“Mother, I'm at the beginning stages with someone.”

“Okay, are they successful?”

“Yes, they are very successful.”

“So when do we get to meet them?” she asked.

“At the appropriate time,” I answered.

“Okay, Lewis, I'll accept that answer for now, but don't be surprised if I pop up at your home to introduce myself.”

“Okay,” I responded. I knew that she was dead serious about coming down. My parents were the popup type. “I promise to introduce you the moment it gets serious.”

“You better. And get to know them, son. Take your time. Ask questions. Investigate and then fall in love. In that order.”

“I sure will.”

“All right, son, your father and I love you so take care of yourself.”

“I will, and thanks, Mom. Talk to you later.” I hung up the phone before she wanted to do any more digging. I knew for sure that she wouldn't approve of having a contest to win a man. She bred a winner and I knew that I would win this contest as well.
I have it sewn up tighter than a fat woman in a small dress.

 

 

The text that I received this morning put me in a state of sheer shock. It was really mind-blowing for me. I read it over and over again to make sure that I had read it right.

“This just can't be.” I sat on the side of the bed and shook my head from side to side in bewilderment with a few tears glistening on the sides of my eyes. This was the first challenge and I almost changed my mind and let Lewis win. I couldn't let him win. I would just bite the bullet and accept the first challenge.

I got dressed and ready for work but I made a detour before I stepped into the office.

When I pulled up to my destination I sat in my car for a few moments and I thought really hard about what I was getting ready to do.

I exited my car on shaky legs and opened the door to the establishment. The smell of alcohol and cologne hit me as I browsed the area against the wall where two other people were waiting to be served. If you haven't guessed by now, I was in a barbershop. No, I wasn't getting my hair shaped up. I was here to complete the first challenge.

Fifteen minutes went by before I was called.

“Shape up?” the barber asked me as I took my seat.

“Cut it off.” The words stammered from my mouth. I wished I could suck them back in.

“Cut it all off?” He asked me if I was sure. Now was the time I could have gotten up out of the chair and exited the building, but I stayed planted in the seat.

“Yes . . . All of it,” I said, wanting to slide down in my chair and onto the floor.

“If you don't mind me asking, how long have you had these?”

“Six years,” I answered. I tried to focus on a picture of Obama on the wall and then the sport on the television to keep from thinking about it but it didn't work. I loved my hair; it was a part of me as if it were an appendage or something. I put work into them and cutting them was not on my list of something I wanted to do. I thought that they made me look more distinguished. My hair got me most of my attention, along with my cute face.

“That's a long time to have these and cut them off.” He stated something that I didn't need to be told.

“I know.” I huffed, disappointed in what I was about to do.

“Bruh, what would make you want to cut them off all of a sudden, if you don't mind me asking?”

I minded him asking but I answered him anyway. “Cancer,” was all that I could say knowing very well I couldn't say that I was doing this to win a man. I prayed a silent prayer of forgiveness to God for that lie. I didn't want to make fun of a cancer patient or even get diagnosed with it.

“Damn, bruh. Sorry to hear that.”

I felt some type of way lying to a stranger, somebody who probably didn't give a shit about me or my hair.

“It's okay, I'll beat it.”

“I sure hope so. I really do,” he said as he cut the hair with clippers he had in his hands. The humming sound made me nervous. My heart was beating like an African drummer beating a drum to an exotic beat. It was rapid.

I couldn't believe I was going through with this. It hit me all of a sudden how drastic this actually was. But I sat still and put on a brave front. I jumped the first time the cold steel hit the nape of my neck and made its way up my head to the front. I watched as my six years of hard work fell onto my shoulders and onto the floor. I wanted to shed a tear for each one of them that hit the floor. On the inside, I cringed as each lock of hair hit the floor. What was I going to tell people about this sudden change in my appearance? How was I going to react when I looked in the mirror for the first time without my locks? I silently wished I had jumped up out of the chair and said I had changed my mind.

When he finished he asked me a question I wasn't ready for. “Do you want to take them and hold on to them as a souvenir of your diagnosis? I have had a few women who came through to do that and some even donate it to a cancer society or something.”

“Yes, I'll take it.” He gathered them together and placed them in a plastic bag for me.

I got up out of the chair and looked at myself in the mirror. I smiled on the outside but I was still really unsure of myself on the inside. My hair was a part of my confidence. This was a strong leap of faith for me. I smoothed my hand over my head for the first time in a long time and felt very little hair. It felt weird and awkward. I didn't feel like myself. I knew now that there was no turning back for this contest. It was all or nothing now and I wasn't ending up another broke Negro.

 

 

When my boss walked in the office the other morning all eyes were on him. I couldn't help but say I was super shocked at his appearance. I was actually speechless for once. I thought he was too. He had his business satchel over his shoulder and he had a clear plastic bag full of his hair in his hand. The look on his face was one of a fake smile. He looked happy but the eyes never lie as they say. He wanted to fall out and cry. I knew I would've been a mess if I had to cut my hair off. Especially the way Kardell loved his hair. He
loved
his hair. He would flip it and twirl it in his finger unknowingly. To be honest his hair was a great fit for him. Now that he was like a hairless kitty (pun intended), it just looked weird. He was still cute, but as drastic a change as this couldn't be good for one's psyche. I trembled a little bit as I walked back to my seat and sat down.

I suspected this to be one of Mateo's challenges because Kardell loved his hair like it was a limb. I had no clue as to what he was going to choose for me since I was next. I had been in anticipation all night every day and up until now I was excited; now I was a bit nervous. If Mateo was going after drastic changes to physical appearance then what would he ask me to change? Because I had no hair on my head to cut. I kept my hair cut close.

I tried my best to concentrate on my work, especially the closing minor details for Mateo's campaign, but I was consumed with what I was going to get in the text that he was going to send me.

I was finished with my day and ready to go home to my nice warm home when I received the text that would rock my world. I mean I literally gasped when I read it. I couldn't believe that he wanted me to do this.

This was what the text said: Would you give up everything for me? If so this is your challenge. Spend the next two days homeless in downtown; take only five dollars in cash, no cell phone, and no identification. You can't take a bath and the location I want you to stay at is the park near the main post office downtown. I have someone watching you, but you won't know who. It's just to make sure you are not cheating.

“He can't possibly expect me to do this. This is outrageous. He hasn't even hit me off with any dick for me to be going to these great lengths to be with him,” I grumbled to myself.

It was a Friday so I didn't have to be around anybody I knew but that only made me feel better momentarily. I had never slept outside in my whole life. Even when I clubbed and stayed out late it was only to around 3:00
A.M.
at the latest. Yes, once I was so drunk I slept outside in my car but that was a far cry from on a park bench. I passed that park many a time feeling pity for the people who slept there and even had makeshift living areas.

“You can do this, Lewis. You are a winner. You got this. It's only two days.” I coached myself. It was cool weather outside so I didn't have to worry about being cold.

So I did it. I got out of my car and locked everything I had in the trunk except for my car keys. I left my car in the garage that it was in and walked out onto the street. The park that Mateo mentioned wasn't that far from my job so walking there wasn't a problem. I got there in no time. The park was supposed to be closed at dusk but people still migrated there and the police got tired of telling them to leave so it was a packed house; and I use the word “house” very loosely.

I made my way into the park. There was a bench that was empty and I made my way over near it. The smell was rank with body odor and decay. That alone made me rethink this whole contest business, but, again, I wasn't a quitter. I was used to winning and I wasn't stopping until I won.

I had to admit that lying out in the dark night on a park bench wasn't all that bad. Even though I didn't have my cell phone with me or anything to occupy my time I did have time to think about my life and the things I really wanted. I really wanted to win.
My friends have their lovers, my parents have each other, and my sister and brother have their lovers. I'm the only one without one.

I had finally drifted off to sleep at about one in the morning according to my watch. I was balled up pretty tight on the bench for both protection and heat. I was awakened by the grumbling in my stomach. It was the urge to use the bathroom and I'm not talking about urinating. I had to do the number two and had to do it really bad. I spotted a Port-O-Potty in the corner of the park and I cringed at the thought about having to use it, but I didn't have a choice at the moment; it was the only thing available. So I got up and I looked around to make sure that it was safe for me to go use in privacy. I didn't want to have anybody sneaking up on me while I was taking a crap out in the dark. The rumbling in my stomach didn't help either. I didn't remember what I had for lunch but it was making its way back out now. I almost sprinted over to the Port-O-Potty. Just as I got to the Port-O-Potty it dawned on me that I had no toilet paper.

“Shit,” I exclaimed. Now I was pissed off. I prayed and hoped that there would be a roll of toilet paper waiting just for me when I opened this door. I closed my eyes and then opened the door. I slowly opened my eyes with two of my fingers crossed on my other hand. I was hoping really hard for the toilet paper that I prayed for to be there. I needed a miracle. Guess what, there was no toilet paper. There was only a rancid smell that caused me to start gagging, so I covered my mouth and nose and slammed the door shut. The grumbling in my stomach never stopped even though I didn't have a place to relieve myself. I clenched my cheeks together, trying to hold back the inevitable.

What the hell am I going to do?
I thought as I paced in circles. I spied a dark corner of the park and that was where I needed to do my business. As I walked to the dark cubbyhole of the park it flashed in my mind that the homeless do this all the time and most of them now do it with ease as if it were second nature. I felt out of sync being outside and now having to relieve myself outside.

I pulled my pants down and did what I was there to do. I can't say it didn't feel good because it did, even if it was outside. I grabbed a few leaves that were scattered around on the ground and wiped myself because I wasn't going to touch my own shit. Thank God I carried some hand sanitizer in my pocket so I could at least sanitize my hands. I started out of the corner and made it back to my bench, feeling like the piece of shit I just pooped out. This was one of those moments you don't tell your friends about. This was definitely going to the grave with me.

I balled back up on the bench in the same position I was in earlier and reflected on life until I fell asleep.

How could Mateo ask me to do this?
Was he trying to see if I would do anything for him? Or did he think I was a gold-digger and he wanted to see if I was only after his money? I didn't know any of that but I was going to weather this task and be victorious.

I was awakened by another vibrant and breathtaking smell, and it definitely wasn't Folgers coffee or a McDonald's sausage biscuit. I had opened my eyes to the biggest, fattest woman I'd ever seen in my life smiling and rubbing my face.

“Hey, baby.” Her face was grungy and her breath was vicious in my nostrils. It smelled like what I did last night in the far corner of the park. I immediately hopped up and back as far as I could. My space was violated and I was defensive about my personal space. “You are new here. What is your fine self doing out here in this park?” She smiled and showed the gateway to her stomach. It looked like her teeth were fighting to get out of her mouth.

I couldn't get any words out. First thing in my mind was to dig in my pocket for some mints and give her some so I could breathe comfortably. I handed them to her and then spoke, “Swirl those around in your mouth and then inhale for a second.” She did as she was instructed. I wasn't trying to be rude. It was just not good to let someone go walking around violating people with rancid breath.

“This is only temporary.” I answered her question.

“That's good 'cause you fresh meat out here and these here men will try to get at you like you the wife they never had.” She snickered.

My eyebrows rose in curiosity and fear as I looked at a few suspect-looking men eyeing me down. Flattery was far from what I was feeling right now. “What?”

“Yeah, honey. One of them tried to get at you last night. But I got them for you. I stayed over here all night while you slept.”

“Thank you.” I actually wanted to run but I didn't want to be rude again.

“What's your name, honey?” she asked.

“Melvin,” I lied.

“That's a nice name.” She smiled again. My stomach grumbled loudly and I looked at my watch. It was close to nine
A.M.

“You hungry?” she asked.

“A little,” I answered.

“Melvin, theys got a food truck that comes by here in about another hour if you don't have any money.”

“Okay. Thank you,” I said humbly.

“It's not the best but it's good for a day or two.”

I remembered the money I had in my pocket but I didn't say a word. It would be really ignorant of me to go to McDonald's or Burger King or something and watch them eat what they eat.

“What's your name?” I asked. If I was going to be out here I might as well be friendly.

“Annie, but everybody around here calls me Tootsie.”

“Oh that's a cute name.” I smiled for the first time. “Tootsie, how did you end up out here on the streets?”

“Honey, that's a long story where I don't even remember some parts of, but I will tell you to say no to drugs. That crack she don't play fair and heroin is a muthafucka. I'm straight and sober now. It's too bad that my family won't have any parts of me and so here I am.”

Tootsie and I got close over the weekend and she made it a whole lot more tolerable to deal with. Allies in life are important. I couldn't help but think that maybe she was the one Mateo sent to watch me. I didn't think she was because I thought that would be too obvious to me.

I made it,
was all that I could think about as I left the park and made my way to work that day. I know what you are saying: why not go home, bathe, and deal with the consequences of being late when I got to work? I wanted to, believe me, but I wanted Kardell to know and see that I would do anything to win, even be filthy and stinky for a couple of days. So, yes, I was filthy and I smelled terrible, but I was happy that I conquered this challenge.