Matt & Brooklyn: A Standalone in the "Again for the First Time" Family Saga (AFTFT Book 2) (21 page)

“Come on… where should I be looking?” I said aloud to myself. I checked inside every drawer, underneath the bed… still nothing.

We were running out of time. Nick was only getting louder and more out of control in the hall and I couldn’t just leave Luke out there with him like that. Feeling desperate, I did something I hadn’t planned on; I called the one person who’d be able to help me help my brother.

Mel.

She answered on the last possible ring and I assumed that was because she was planning not to answer at all. Her voice was timid when she picked up.

“Hello?”

I didn’t have time for small talk. “Hey. I need you to tell me where Nick would stash his booze. I’m at his apartment and I can’t find a thing. He looks like hell so I know he’s been drinking, but I can’t find anything but a six-pack in the fridge.”

She was hesitant on the other end and, from the sound of it, Nick was trying to kick the door in now.

“Quick, Mel. I need to know what’s going on. I came all the way out here to help him and you and I both know he’s just gonna lie his way out of it if I don’t have cold, hard evidence to back me up.”

A slew of threats were yelled through the heavy, wooden door of the apartment and I felt helpless.

“It’s not alcohol,” Mel said quietly, almost so soft that I didn’t hear her, but I did.

Her statement didn’t make sense, though. “It’s
not
alcohol?”

She hesitated again and I almost yelled at her through the phone, but stopped myself. “Then what, Mel?”

I paced back and forth in Nick’s bedroom, trying to dismiss the thought that came to mind.

He’s not that stupid…

Mel sighed into the phone and the next voice I heard in the hallway was Luke’s telling me to hurry. His voice sounded strained and seeing as how Nick wasn’t pounding anymore, I assumed he had him restrained. That would only last for so long, though.

“Mel… I know you don’t owe him anything, but… please.”

The five seconds it took her to answer felt like five hours. I pressed my ear to the phone and listened, nearly dropping it when Mel confirmed what I feared.

“It’s drugs, Matt. Cocaine. He’s been doing it for years.”

My mind went blank.

I don’t even remember ending the call. The next thing I knew, my feet were moving swiftly as I stormed toward the door. Nick and Luke
both
looked surprised when I flung it open and grabbed Nick by the collar of his stained t-shirt to drag him back into the apartment. As soon as I had my footing, I slammed him to the floor so hard his eyes clenched shut on impact.

“What the hell, man!” he yelled once his breath returned. He’d gone from raging bull to a scared dog in zero seconds flat.

I don’t think I’d ever been this mad. All I kept thinking was that he had so much going for him—he was educated, he had a family who would bend over backwards for him, and he could’ve had a wife who loved him unconditionally if he’d been a better man.

“Where is it?” I questioned him. “Tell me now, dammit, or I swear I’ll tear this place apart looking for it.” A fresh wave of anger rolled through me and I lifted him a few inches before slamming him down to the floor again, but harder this time.

Luke wasn’t making a sound, wasn’t saying a word, as he stood there trying to figure out what was going on.

“Where are they?” I yelled through gritted teeth.

“Matt—”

I was pretty sure Luke was about to tell me to go easy on Nick, but he didn’t deserve
‘easy’.
Years of never being held accountable had turned my oldest brother into a loser by all accounts. He had more excuses than anyone I knew, everything was someone else’s fault and he made sure he’d always come out squeaky clean.

Not this time.

“He’s been doing coke,” I seethed, finally letting Luke in on the latest update before turning my attention back to Nick. “Tell me!” I yelled in his face, raising a fist to strike him when I got beside myself. If it hadn’t been for Luke pulling me off him, I would’ve landed that punch beyond the shadow of a doubt.

“You don’t wanna do that,” Luke cut in as his grip around my arms tightened. He dragged me back toward the couch and kept trying to talk me down, but there was no doing that. We’d all made sacrifices for one another. All of us. But no one took advantage of that more than Nick had. Whether it was money or forgiveness someone had freely given him, he always took our family’s generosity for granted. This was just another example of that.

“Now we know why you’re flat broke, I guess. Spent your money on drugs and let the rest of us pay your bills, enabling you, carrying you.” I paused, still struggling to catch my breath after the scuffle. “Dude, I felt sorry for you! Here we were, thinking you were really trying, and now…” I couldn’t even finish. I was so disgusted by the sight of him.

“Talk,” Luke demanded.

Nick said nothing, of course.

Everything was starting to fall into place. “Your job… you lost it because of the drugs, didn’t you? It had nothing to do with Mel, did it.”

He didn’t answer, just lowered his head.

“Just like I thought. You let her take the fall for that, too. I should’ve known.” The coward blamed Mel when all she’d done was try to get him to clean his life up. It seemed like all of us who cared about Nick got burned for it, one way or another.

The room was completely silent aside from the air rushing in and out of my nostrils as I struggled to calm down.

“I—” Nick sighed heavily and ran a hand through his hair as he continued to sit in the middle of his living room floor where I left him. His face was beet-red. “It’s not… where’d you even get this from, Matt?” he asked, trying to throw us off. A fresh wave of anger rolled through me and I lunged toward the bastard again. He was still lying.

Luke pulled me back and I had to look away from Nick. How could he sit here and pretend like he was innocent?

“If there was ever a time for you to tell the truth, it’s now,” Luke said, offering Nick another chance to come clean.

“We already know, so you may as well just own your dirt for once in your life,” I added. “There’s a first time for everything.”

Again, he just sat there with that dumfounded look on his face, but said nothing.

“I swear if you don’t fess up, I’ll call the cops and let
them
sort it out.” And I meant that. I’d rather see him in jail than dead, so if that’s what it took…

He shook his head as he lifted his hands into the air. He knew good and damn well I wasn’t bluffing. “Hold on,” he said, seeming to be struggling within himself. His options were few, which was why I intentionally backed him into a corner. He’d tell Luke and I what we wanted to know one way or another.

“Is it true?” Luke asked, sounding just as desperate as I
felt.
This wasn’t something either of us had dealt with before. It was uncharted territory, which had me scared beyond words when I pictured Nick’s future.

Another frustrated sigh left Nick’s mouth and he cursed softly to himself, keeping his eyes trained on the carpet when looking Luke and I in our faces became impossible. “It’s not like you’re thinking,” he said, his first admission, and with it, my heart sank. There was just something about having him confirm it.

Luke’s arms loosened around me and slowly fell to his sides. His face went pale and slack as he stared at our oldest brother… the one who was supposed to set a standard for the two of us to live up to… the one who was supposed to be there to bail
us
out of trouble. Not the other way around. Those were shoes Nick was never capable of filling. Even when he did have his life together, he rarely ever went out of his way to do anything for someone else. At times, that made it harder to come through for him, but Luke and I were just hardwired differently than he was. Even if we wanted to, we couldn’t just turn our backs on him. However, at the moment, I wasn’t feeling the need to help Nick pick up the pieces of his life. All I kept thinking was how the rest of us had been there for him, only for him to commit yet another selfish act.

My fingers went halfway through my hair and stopped as I paced. “I’m putting my life on hold for you,” I breathed, staring at the ground.

Both my brothers were silent.

“They want another installment of the documentary, but I said I wouldn’t do it because I thought you were trying to rebound from the divorce. If I’d known it was this…” I stopped myself. The thought that ran through my head was that if I’d known Nick was spiraling because of drugs, I wouldn’t have taken him or his feelings into consideration like I had. He didn’t deserve my sympathy and I didn’t see why I should miss the opportunity of a lifetime because of him.

Luke still couldn’t find words. He took a seat on the edge of the couch and put his head in his hands.

I took a deep breath. “So what else was a lie? I know this was the real reason Mel left. I know you’ve been pissing your money away on coke, so what else? The job? Have you even been looking?”

When he didn’t say anything, that was all the answer I needed. When I walked the same short path across his floor that I’d been walking since Luke let me go, Nick started explaining.

“Look at me, man! Who’s gonna hire me like this?” he yelled back.

Did he really think that was an excuse? Were we supposed to feel sorry that no self-respecting employer would hire a… a
junkie
? God, it broke my heart to even
think
of him in that way, but that’s exactly what he was.

“You’ve gotta clean yourself up,” Luke interjected. “There are programs for things like this. We’ll get you—”

“Why? So he can turn around and do the same thing again six months from now?” I said without thinking. “Mel says he’s been doing this for years. Apparently, she was covering for him until it got to be too much, but…” I finally looked Nick over, really taking in the state he was in. “He’s never gonna change,” I concluded.

Should I have said it? No. But I just couldn’t imagine getting my hopes up that Nick would actually take this seriously, would actually take responsibility for his own life. His track record told me that his stripes never change. If this habit was as deeply engrained in him as Mel implied, I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was a lost cause.

Feeling like I’d suffocate if I stayed in his apartment any longer, I moved toward the door. “I gotta get out of here,” I said as I left the two of them there. Luke could help him figure it out or he could save himself from wasting a lot of time, money, and energy trying to fix our mess of a brother if he wanted to. I, for one, just didn’t have it in me.

As I drove away, I now had my answer as to what became of the money Nick earned from the documentary—it did nothing but feed his addiction. I did my best to shut him out of my head, to forget that he even existed, but I knew that wall was only temporarily in place. Eventually, I’d think about him and change my mind, but not now. Not tonight.

Tonight, I just wanted to lose myself and remember how to breathe.

Tonight, I’d let myself forget that Nick even existed.

Chapter Nine

Brooklyn

My phone rang and it sent my heart to racing. I assumed it was Matt letting me know he was on his way or maybe even outside already, but I was wrong. It was Lissy.

When I answered, she didn’t even say hello. The first thing out of her mouth was, “Have you heard from Matt yet?” The concern in her voice made me nervous.

“No. He was supposed to be here hours ago, but every time I call to check on him, it goes straight to voicemail. Is everything okay? Did something happen?”

Before my sister could even answer, I was already slipping my sneakers on and looking for my keys just in case I needed to spring into action.

Lissy sighed into the phone. “Things didn’t go well at Nick’s,” she informed me. “Luke just got in, but he said Matt left at around eight. Just took off…”

It was already eleven.
Where was he?

“Luke was getting ready to swing by his hotel, but I told him it might be best if you were the one to check on him,” she suggested, and I didn’t object. I was beyond worried about him at this point, so I had no problem being the one to go.

“Okay, but I need to bring Lia over to you guys until I get done,” I explained. “I don’t wanna leave her here by herself.”

“Don’t rush back; she’ll be fine staying with us for the night. Just go make sure he’s okay,” Lissy urged.

I promised I would and then hung up so I could holler up the stairs for Lia. She came quickly when she heard the panic in my voice, and then we were gone within a few minutes.

Lissy messaged me with Matt’s room number once Luke figured out what it was. I dropped Lia off and drove to the hotel in a daze.
What if he wasn’t even there? What if he got on a plane and went back to California angry?
All I could do was hope that wasn’t the case. I didn’t want him to leave here mad, because I knew he’d regret it soon enough. While it sounded as if he might be upset with Nick at the moment, I knew Matt well enough to know that his head would clear and when it did, he’d want to face whatever this issue was head-on.

I bypassed the front desk and headed straight for the elevator, taking it to the sixth floor. As soon as the doors parted again, I rushed down the hall for room 627. I knocked and waited. There was no sound, but I knocked again and thought I heard the bed creak.

“Matt? It’s me. Can you open the door, please?”

I fidgeted, hoping I hadn’t imagined hearing him inside.

“Can you let me—” was as far as I got when the door unlatched. I could hardly see Matt’s face in the shadows of the dark room when I stepped inside. He gently closed the door behind me, said nothing, but his emotions were practically ricocheting off the walls. Sadness. Hurt. Frustration. Disappointment. I felt them all because
he
felt them all.

I eased my shoes off and set my purse down.

He took a seat at the table and all I could make out in the darkness was his shoulder and upper torso where a sliver of light from the streetlamps in the parking lot flittered through the small space between the blackout curtains. I sat across from him.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” I asked.

A few seconds passed, but he did answer. “I was wrong.” I wasn’t sure what that meant, so I sat still and listened, waiting for him to elaborate. “I thought it was alcohol, but I was wrong; it’s drugs. Apparently he’s been on them for years.”

A breath hitched in my throat when Matt let me in on what had him so upset. I didn’t even know what to say. My family had never faced anything like this, so I couldn’t offer any sound advice. All I could think to do was reach for his hand; let him know I was here for him.

We sat there in silence for a while and I would’ve done that all night if he needed me to, but eventually Matt moved, gripping my hand to pull me to my feet. I stood like he wanted me to and rested in his lap when he tugged me closer. His head fell against my chest and I ran my fingers through the length of his hair.

This burden weighed heavy on him and my heart hurt right along with his. If I could’ve taken this on for him, I would’ve done it without a second thought, because I know he would do the same for me. I had yet to see his face, but I imagined the pain I’d find there. He loved his brothers, his entire family. Nick, being somewhat of the black sheep of the family, only made Matt try to love him harder. I’d seen him do it with my own eyes—pulling Nick into the fold when he tried to linger on the outside, calling him over and over again when he pushed Matt away just to make sure he knew someone cared what happened to him. Matt had gone out of his way to be his brother’s rock and for that reason, although he hadn’t said much, although all he could do for now was rest his head against me, I knew he was torn apart on the inside.

The last time we saw each other, we were both on this extreme emotional high, making our time together feel so surreal. However, now, in his arms, consoling him, the two experiences were beginning to converge and I felt something solidify between us. No, this wasn’t one of those highs, but it was real—a real moment between two people who cared deeply for one another, so much so, our emotions had blurred together, leaving me to feel like I was on the verge of tears, too. The connection was intense and I wondered if there was a phrase to define its depths. Some might suggest that it was love I was beginning to experience; however, if you asked me, that wasn’t a strong enough word for it.

“Thanks for coming. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I just—”

Matt fell silent when I covered his mouth with mine, running my hand down his shoulder to bring him closer. You’d never guess by the passion behind that kiss, but I wasn’t turned on, wasn’t even thinking about sex. I just wanted to be closer to him. When his hands didn’t roam, when he didn’t take advantage of my vulnerability, I thought it might be possible that he was experiencing the same thing. Our lips moved together a little while longer and then I stood, leading him to the bed. I turned down the covers and climbed in with him. All he did was hold me and that was perfect.

Without him saying it, I knew he didn’t want to dwell on what happened with Nick. So, instead, I revisited something he asked me while I was with him the week before, deciding I was ready to answer him now. There was just something about this night that made me want to open up to him. Maybe it was because he was so raw after what he experienced with his brother, but I felt like I could tell him anything.

“Do you remember what you said when we were arguing? You asked what I was afraid of.”

My back warmed when Matt moved in closer. “I remember.”

There were things I’d gone through that no one close to me knew. Call me private, call me guarded, but I just felt like there were certain things that others didn’t need to know, certain information others didn’t need to be privy to. Not even my sisters, especially seeing as how they couldn’t have changed or helped the situation.

This, what I was about to tell Matt, was one of those things.

As if he knew what I had to say was difficult to talk about, he pulled my hair back and stroked the side of my neck once, letting his hand rest on my shoulder.

“When I was in high school, I wasn’t nearly as careful as I am now,” I started. “I was too trusting, too naïve, foolish.”

I paused and thought back on those times, back when I saw the world through different eyes.

“I had a best friend back in the day—a guy, ironically enough. Reminds me a lot of Lia and Julian,” I added with a nervous laugh. This was harder to talk about than I thought it would be. “We uh… we hung together all the time, went to prom together, talked about everything.” I reminisced a bit, thinking about how the events that year, senior year, had impacted me. “Anyway… after a couple years the friendship went through this… I don’t know… this weird transition. The guy and I weren’t really just friends anymore. I don’t know if it was because we were getting older and we got mixed up in our feelings or what, but the next thing I know, things turned physical,” I admitted.

Just when I was getting ready to speak again, Matt stopped me. “Brook… before you continue, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. I only asked the question out of frustration that night.” And I knew he meant that, but it was like I said, I
wanted
to share this with him. Maybe on some level I wanted him to understand me better, wanted him to understand why I am who I am.

“I know,” I said, turning over so I could face him, look into his eyes. “But it’s time I let you all the way in.”

It looked like my statement took him by surprise. All he did was nod.

“I lost my virginity to him, to my friend,” I clarified, finding sympathy in Matt’s expression, although I hadn’t even finished my story yet. “After that, things changed with us. We talked less, hung out even less than that, and when we did
either
there wasn’t much conversation left between us. Eventually, we just… drifted.”

Matt didn’t interject, but I was almost sure things were falling into place. The parallels between what I experienced in the past and how I expected things to change with he and I were almost identical. There was a reason I had this fear of things falling apart and now he knew why.

There was so much tenderness in his hand when it caressed the side of my face. My eyes closed for a second when the contact overwhelmed me. “You know I’d never do that to you, right? You know I’d never wake up one day and decide I want something different?”

And I did, but there was more to the story, more that solidified this distrust that seemed to now come naturally to me. Moving his hand from my face, I kissed the center of his palm.

“I know you’re not him,” I replied.

He nodded, but said nothing more, just let me continue.

“Eventually, days
of us not speaking turned into weeks.” And this was where it really got tough to explain, but I wouldn’t shut down. “As it turned out, the one and only time I gave myself to him, to
anyone
, I wasn’t as careful as I thought. Found out about seven weeks later that I was pregnant.”

Absolute silence.

“I didn’t tell anyone I was close to.”

“Not even your sisters?” he asked. “Your mom?”

I shook my head. “None of them. The only person I said a word to was him, the guy.”

While Matt thought, he stroked the back of my hand with his thumb. “You two were kids so I’m almost positive he handled it like one,” he predicted.

“The first thing out of his mouth was
‘get rid of it’
.” Remembering how those words hit me, I felt my heart squeeze inside my chest. Even after all this time, it still hurt that someone I loved and trusted as much as I did him, could be that cold.

Matt stared as I went through a range of emotions.

“I refused. I mean… I knew I was too young to handle it, especially without him being on board, but I still just couldn’t imagine living with myself after an abortion. So, I told him he didn’t have to be a part of it, but I was going to make my own decision.”

“At that point, did you tell your mother?” Matt asked.

I shook my head again. “No, I was too scared. She’s cool now, but back then she was overbearing and overprotective like any mother would be. That’s why I try to make sure Lia and the rest of my nieces and nephews know they have someone, an adult, they can talk to and confide in without judgement. That experience made me realize how important it is for a kid to know that their safety is more important than getting in trouble. That’s what I want them to know. They shouldn’t be worried about how pissed Aunt Brook is gonna be. All I want them to think about if they’re in trouble is that I’ll have their back.” Thinking about how much I needed that kind of support and understanding back then brought tears to my eyes.

Matt took my hand.

“I kept that to myself for a month,” I went on. “I hid the morning sickness, the aches and pains, the fear. I kept it all to myself. When I was about two and a half months, out the blue, the guy pulls me aside in the hall to ask me if I
‘took care of it’
and when I told him I didn’t, about two days later the rumors started.”

“Rumors?”

I nodded. “That I was a slut. That I was pregnant and didn’t know who the dad was.”

He squeezed my hand tighter.

“Being the youngest, all my sisters were grown and gone off to college by this point. I was the only one still at home. A few of the rumors even got to Aura while she was away at school, but I wriggled my way out of all her questions, even the one that was true—about me being pregnant.”