Married for Christmas (Willow Park) (8 page)

“Oh, oh, oh, fuck,” she groaned as her body relaxed in delicious
release.

Her eyes were closed, but it felt like he was smiling.

Then her eyes flew open and she clamped a hand over her
mouth. “Oh, I didn’t mean to say that!”

He burst into uninhibited laughter.

“I
never
say that,” she said, her face reddening even
more than it had been.

He was still laughing as he pulled her against his chest in
a half-hug. “I know you don’t. But this is one of the few times when the word
is actually appropriate.”

“Well, you don’t have to laugh at me. It just slipped out.
It wasn’t
that
funny.”

“Yes, it was.”

She couldn’t help but smile at his laughter and at the feel
of his warm body against hers.

“Thank you,” she said at last. “For doing that for me, I
mean.”

“You’re welcome. I enjoyed it. All of it.”

“Good. Me too.”

She felt incredibly pleased with herself, with him, with the
whole situation.

“How do you feel?” he asked, shifting slightly.

“Good. A little sore, but good. What about you?”

“Good.”

For some reason, the smile had left his voice. She didn’t
know why, but she felt something shift in the mood between them.

She wasn’t sure what either of them would have said, but the
silence was interrupted by a familiar scratching sound.

Bear, trying to make a nest on her bed by scratching the
living daylights out of it.

“Bear,” she said. “Enough.”

Bear ignored her, as usual. The dog was fairly obedient, but
scratching up a nest was serious business and always the priority.

“What is she doing over there?” Daniel asked, sitting up in
bed and peering over in the dark room toward the dog.

“She’s trying to get her spot right. Don’t sound so
impatient with her.”

“It sounds like she’s digging her way through the floor.”

“She’s not going to hurt the floor.” Worried Daniel would
get annoyed, Jessica hauled herself out of bed and limped over to the dog. She
patted Bear’s back until the dog settled down.

Since she was up, she went to the bathroom and cleaned
herself up a little.

She was still limping slightly as she returned to bed.

“You okay?” Daniel asked as she climbed in beside him.

She didn’t answer. Just gave him a speaking look that she
was sure he could read even in the dark.

“You’re limping.”

“I’m a little sore. It’s not that bad.”

Maybe she should act more delicate and get him to take care
of her, but she’d never been any good at doing that.

She scooted toward him and was relieved when he wrapped an
arm around her.

It felt nice, to sleep against him. Almost as nice as their
lovemaking had been.

She’d thought for a long time that she’d never have a man to
sleep against.

***

It had been a really long day, and
she fell asleep almost immediately.

She woke up around two in the morning, however, and rolled
instinctively toward Daniel’s side of the bed.

It was empty.

It took a moment to orient herself, but this was indeed the master
bedroom of the manse, and Bear was snoring softly from her corner.

Daniel just wasn’t in bed.

The bathroom door was opened, so he wasn’t in there.
Concerned, she got out of bed and walked barefoot out to the hall.

The other bedrooms were all empty, so she went downstairs.

She found him in the small room they’d made his study, where
he’d set up walls of bookcases and placed his old desk.

He sat at his desk, reading his Bible. She couldn’t tell if
he was doing devotions or trying to work.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

He jerked, obviously surprised by her presence. “Nothing.
Just reading. You should go back to bed.”

“Why are you reading down here in the middle of the night?”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

She frowned, wondering if he’d always been in this bad habit
of getting up in the wee hours or if tonight was somehow special. He’d never
had workaholic tendencies—at least none she’d been aware of. “You need to rest.
This can’t be good for you.”

He smiled, but his expression was a little distant. Not like
earlier at all. “I’m fine, Jessica. Seriously. Go on back to bed.”

She understood his resonance clearly. She wasn’t welcomed in
his study—not at the moment anyway. She started to turn away.

She was very inexperienced with sex. Very inexperienced with
marriage. Very inexperienced with
men
.

But she was sure—she was absolutely sure—this wasn’t right.

She turned back. “Can’t you do that later? You should come
to bed.”

He released a long sigh and straightened up. She could see
from his expression that he was trying to think of an excuse, a reason not to
return to bed with her.

As he thought, his eyes rested on a framed picture on his
desk. The photo of Lila. He must have pulled it out tonight, since he hadn’t
set it up in his study before.

When he saw she’d noticed the photo, he silently slid a
drawer opened and started to put the picture away.

“You don’t have to put it up,” she said in a rush, her heart
aching for so many reasons. “I’d never want you to hide her picture. I’d never
want you to pretend she wasn’t important to you.”

His features twisted—strangely, in a way she almost never
saw. He was nearly always in control, of his words, his behavior, even his
facial expressions. “It doesn’t seem right—to keep her photo out like this when
I’m married to you. I don’t want you to ever think I don’t... I don’t want to
hurt you.”

She
was
hurt, but it was irrational. Their lovemaking
had felt intimate, important to her. It had made her want to be even closer to
him. But it must have been different for him, since he’d run away from her. She’d
like to think she was first in his heart, but she was never going to have that
role. It was okay. She’d known what she was getting into, and she wasn’t going
to create tension between them when none had to exist.

“I know you’d never try to hurt me.” In her earnestness, she
walked into the study and toward his desk. She reached over to retrieve the
framed picture and set it up on the desk. “I know you care about me, Daniel,
but I care about you too. And I know you still miss her. I know she’s still
important to you. You can keep her picture out. We both know this isn’t a
regular marriage.”

“It
is
a marriage.” He gazed up at her, and for just
a moment she thought she saw something like yearning in his eyes. Then it
disappeared, so she decided she must have been wrong.

There was no reason for Daniel to yearn for her. If he
wanted her, he could have her. He only had to reach out.

 “I know it’s a marriage, but it’s only going to work if
we’re honest with each other. So keep her picture out, for as long as you need
to. Seriously.”

He swallowed hard and nodded, his eyes returning to his
opened Bible. She could see now that he’d been reading in Psalms.

“So, if we’re being honest with each other,” she added, “I
really want you to come back to bed. Please?” she added, a slight plea in her
tone.

He let out another breath—this one different than before—and
his face softened in a way she recognized, that reflected how much he liked
her, how much he wanted her to be happy. “Okay.”

He got up from his desk, turned out the lights in the study,
and went back to bed with her. He even held her for a few minutes before he
rolled away to go to sleep.

Jessica felt better as she closed her eyes again. Their
marriage wasn’t normal. It wasn’t perfect. But maybe they could still make this
work.

It was just after six when Jessica
woke up and headed to the kitchen to look for coffee with Bear at her heels.

Daniel was leaning against a counter, chugging down water.
He’d obviously just gotten back from his regular morning run because he was
dripping with sweat.

“You’re up early,” he said, lowering the bottle and moving
out of the way so she could reach the coffee pot.

“Not as early as you.” She’d known he usually woke up early
to run, but she didn’t know it was
that
early.

“Did you sleep all right?” she asked. She’d woken up once at
around four, and he’d been sound asleep then, so she hoped he slept well for
the hours he was actually in bed.

“Yeah.” He wiped his damp face with the bottom of his
t-shirt. Then he gave Bear a quick pat on the head, since the dog had come over
to greet him eagerly. It seemed more like a gesture than a genuine greeting on
his part, but it was better than nothing. “Do you feel okay?”

She drew her brows together in confusion until she realized
he was asking about how she felt after sex the night before. She felt a shudder
of self-conscious pleasure at the memory of how she’d let go the night before
and at how Daniel had let go too. “Yeah. I feel pretty good.”

“Good.” He gave her a little smile. “I’ve got to shower.”

Something about him seemed a little strange this morning. He
was as kind as always, but also a little distant. Not like the Daniel she was
used to. “Okay. I’m going to take Bear for a walk.”

When she got back to the house forty-five minutes later,
Daniel was dressed for Sunday, doing his devotions, and eating a protein bar
with his coffee in the study, so she didn’t disturb him.

She turned on the oven and wished she could bake. Lila had
always been a wonderful cook. She’d also sewn her own pillows and curtains, and
she’d been an amazing hostess, even for casual get-togethers. Her home was
always beautifully cleaned and welcoming—the perfect pastor’s wife.

Jessica knew she couldn’t equal Lila’s domestic prowess. She
was anything but amazing in the kitchen, and her cleaning was mostly
perfunctory. But she was excited about the new challenge and didn’t want Daniel
to regret his decision to marry her, so she was committed to doing everything
she could to be the kind of pastor’s wife she’d always seen.

As a first step, she pulled out pop-out cinnamon rolls from
the refrigerator. Then she lined them on the baking sheet and stuck them in the
heated oven.

As they cooked, she fixed herself a bowl of cereal and ate
it at the kitchen table, with Bear for company.

She was icing the rolls when Daniel returned to the kitchen,
his suit jacket draped over his arm. “Something smells good.”

“I made cinnamon rolls for Sunday morning.”

“Yum.” He reached over her shoulder and snatched one she’d
just iced.

“Wait! It’s hot.”

He ate it in three bites. “Not too hot. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She smiled, since he seemed to genuinely
appreciate her effort.

He washed his hands, which were sticky from the icing, and
then pulled on his jacket. “I’ve got to get to church.”

“Already? It’s barely seven-thirty.” Sunday School didn’t
start until nine-thirty, and the church was just over a mile away.

“Yeah. I’ve got some prep still to do. I’ll see you at
Sunday school.”

“Okay,” she said as he left the house. She wasn’t going to
be annoyed or frustrated. Sunday morning was the climax of the work week for
pastors, and maybe Daniel needed some privacy to get himself prepared and together.

He’d hadn’t been at the church for very long, after all, and
he would want to do a good job.

This whole thing wasn’t about her. He’d been perfectly nice
to her this morning. She wouldn’t be upset because he’d felt a little distant.

She sighed as she looked down at the four remaining cinnamon
buns. Then she glanced at Bear, who was begging patiently just beside. “Do you
want a cinnamon roll?” she asked the dog. “There’s no way I can eat all of
these.”

Bear didn’t have an answer for her, but she wasn’t about to
leave the food.

***

Daniel had been installed as pastor
of the church for a few weeks now, but this was the first Sunday Jessica had
attended since he’d arrived.

Everyone greeted her warmly, repeating that she and Daniel
really should have taken the Sunday off.

Despite all the comments, Jessica figured it was just as
well to jump right into figuring out their life together.

She’d heard Daniel preach before—many, many times—since
she’d often attended the small church outside of Charlotte he’d been pastor of
before. No one was like Daniel in the pulpit. He made the Bible come alive—with
intelligence and deep knowledge and passion and gravity and authority. Somehow,
all of those things at once.

He might be tired this morning, but there was no evidence of
fatigue in his manner or voice. She felt an odd sense of possessive pride as
she watched him.

He was her husband. Her
husband
. This amazing man.

They went to the house of one of the elders for lunch after
the service. Jessica would not have chosen to spend the afternoon socializing,
but Daniel said they needed to go, since the elder—Chip White—still wasn’t
fully convinced Daniel had the wisdom and experience to pastor the church.

It was part of being married to a pastor. You had to have
Sunday lunch with families from the congregation when they invited you—whether
you felt like it or not.

So she didn’t complain at all on the half-hour drive to the
farmhouse where the White family lived. And she didn’t make any of the hints
about leaving she was tempted to make, even when the visit lasted well past
three o’clock and she was aching with fatigue.

Finally, they made it home just after four, and Jessica was ready
to slump to the floor.

“Thanks for going with me,” Daniel said, obviously
recognizing she was tired. They were in the bedroom to change out of their
Sunday clothes.

“Of course, I’d go. What did you expect?”

“Well, I appreciate it anyway. It’s been a really long
weekend. You look like you need some rest.” He took off his jacket and tie and
started unbuttoning his shirt.

She felt a jittery excitement as he undressed in front of
her, evidently not even self-conscious about it. It felt intimate in a way she
just wasn’t used to. “You do too. You must be even more exhausted than I am.”

She sat on the bed and slid off her shoes.

“I’m not that tired.”

“You had to preach this morning, and you didn’t get much
sleep last night.”

“You’re not going to start nagging now that we’re married,
are you?” He pulled his white t-shirt over his head, baring a very attractive
abdomen, and undid his pants.

“I’m not nagging.” She tried very hard to focus on the topic
at hand and not on the sudden desire to pull Daniel into the bed with her. “But
it’s Sunday. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t rest.”

“I don’t take naps.”

“Well, then at least—”

“Jessica, enough.” The words weren’t harsh or angry, but
they were much terser than she normally heard from him.

She jerked back in response to his tone.

Obviously seeing her reaction, his expression changed
immediately. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” She was more upset than
she should have been, mostly because she didn’t know what had prompted his
sudden shift in mood. He’d felt a little distant today, but nothing that would
explain such an unusual response.  “I guess maybe I was nagging a little.”

“You weren’t really.” He sat down on the bed beside her and
put his hand on her knee.

She relaxed, feeling like she knew him again. “So what are
you going to do this afternoon?”

“I’ve got some reading to do.”

“Oh.” That didn’t sound bad. Reading was restful, after all.
“Okay.”

“And I’ve got some a project to do out in the workshop.”

He’d turned the shed in the yard into a kind of workshop,
where he’d put all his tools. As with cars, he liked to fiddle around with
carpentry. Jessica wasn’t sure how good he really was at it, since his projects
didn’t always turn out the way he planned. Micah, who was a contractor, never
got tired of mocking his brother’s efforts. But Daniel enjoyed his attempts
anyway.

“What are you working on?”

“This and that,” he said noncommittally as he pulled on a
pair of worn jeans. “Thanks again for coming to lunch with me.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that.” She tried not to
sound frustrated, but surely he hadn’t expected her to be his wife and then not
perform any of the duties that came with it.

He half-smiled. “Okay.”

When he left the room, she picked up the suit he’d tossed on
the bed. It was still in good shape and didn’t need to be dry-cleaned yet, so
she hung it up. His shirt was not in good shape, so she put it in the laundry. Then
she changed into something more comfortable than her skirt and sweater set.

When she went downstairs, she saw Daniel’s study door was
closed.

Evidently, he was going to read in there.

***

The next day, Jessica stopped
working in time to fix a lunch for her and Daniel.

He’d said he would just grab something for lunch, and she
knew enough about his habits to understand this meant he would eat a protein
bar or a bag of nuts for lunch.

So she made a sandwich—one she knew he liked with turkey,
ham, bacon, lettuce, mayonnaise, and Dijon mustard on it—and a salad, and then
packed it all up with some cookies in a baggie to take over to the church.

Despite his study at home, he also needed to keep an office
at church to work and meet with members of the congregation. He’d set up his with
a good computer, a wall of bookshelves with all of his biblical commentaries
and sermon preparation books, and a conference table.

He was working at the computer, with a big commentary and
his Bible open on his desk, when she tapped on his half-opened door.

He turned in his desk chair and looked surprised when he saw
her. “Hey. What are you doing here?”

“I brought you lunch.”

“Why?”

She frowned. If every nice thing she did for him was going
to be treated to an inquisition, it was going to get old fast. “Because you
didn’t have a lunch.”

Daniel gestured toward a bottle of water and a protein bar,
untouched on the surface of his desk.

“That’s what I thought,” she said, coming over to unpack the
bag she’d brought.

She pulled up a chair and sat down near the desk so he
wouldn’t go back to working and forget about eating.

He smiled as he unwrapped the sandwich. “Did you make this
for me?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t you need to be working?”

“I’m allowed to stop for lunch.”

“I guess so. But you really didn’t have to go to the
trouble. You work too, so you don’t have to always get meals for us. I’d never
expect you to—”

“What trouble? It took exactly five minutes, and then two
minutes to drive over here.”

“I guess so. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

He slanted her a look. “Are you annoyed with me?”

“No.”

“You look like you might be annoyed.”

“I’m not annoyed. As long as you actually eat your lunch.”

He closed his Bible and commentary and moved them out of the
way. Then he gave silent thanks for the meal and started to eat.

Jessica relaxed and pulled out her own sandwich.

His mouth twitched slightly when he glanced at her. “You
better be careful. I might start to expect you to bring me lunch every day.”

“Some days you’ll have to come home for lunch, and then it
will be hit-or-miss about what you get.”

“I have lunch meetings a lot anyway. A lot of men in the
congregation can only meet to talk at lunchtime.”

“So that’s fine. Occasionally, I might bring you lunch.”

He smiled at her as he swallowed a bite, and she smiled
back—feeling like he was her friend again and not this slightly unknowable
husband he’d become.

“What are you working on?” she asked, gesturing toward the
computer.

“Next week’s sermon.”

“How’s it going?”

“I’ve not done as much as I hoped. People keep stopping by
to talk.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“I didn’t mean you.”

“Okay. Good. Are people just congratulating you on the
wedding?”

“Mostly. Chip stopped by though.”

“Was he complaining again?”

“Not as directly. He just wants to cut back on the programs
for Christmas.”

“Why? People will be disappointed if we don’t do everything
we usually do.”

“I know. He thinks it’s too much logistically with the
transition. He means he doesn’t think I’m up for the job.”

“Well, that’s ridiculous. Doesn’t he know all the balls you
kept in the air at your church before?”

Daniel gave a half-shrug. “In his mind, leading a small
church isn’t nearly as challenging as a church this size.”

“You’re not going to cut back, are you?” She felt annoyed
and indignant about Chip’s slight to Daniel’s leadership and abilities. How
could anyone think he wasn’t up to the job?

“Not if I can help it. The Session meets on Friday. We’ll
talk about it then.”

In a Presbyterian church, the Session—made up of the elders of
the congregation—was the decision-making body for individual churches. A
pastor’s role was obviously one of authority, but they weren’t the only or the
final authority.

“Some of the programs have already been planned, right? The
kids’ pageant and the choir concert?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you can’t pull back on those at this point. It
wouldn’t be fair to the people who’ve been working on them. And you have to
have the Christmas Eve service. What does he think you can cut?”