Married for Christmas (Willow Park) (16 page)

“Randa called. She was worried about you, and she wanted to
make sure I was on my way.” His eyes bore into her, as if searching for
something in her expression. “She assumed I already knew.”

“I know she did.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” The words weren’t accusatory. Just
bewildered.

She looked away. “I don’t know.”

“Did you think I wouldn’t care? I’m so sorry about last
night, and I shouldn’t have left this morning without putting things right
between us, but did you really think I wouldn’t care that your—”

“I knew you would care. It wasn’t that.”

“Then what was it?”

She shrugged and couldn’t meet his eyes. She couldn’t tell
him the truth—that she wanted his love and would never get it. So there was no
good answer she could give.

“Jessica?” he prompted.

She just shrugged again. “I just didn’t.”

He didn’t push the issue, perhaps recognizing that she
wasn’t in a fit state to talk about it. “Did you get any lunch?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Well, you have to eat something.”

“I said I’m not—”

“Then you can come watch me eat.”

“I’m not going to leave—”

“We’ll just go down to the cafeteria. We’ll ask Randa to
call if there’s any news. But the surgery takes a long time, and you’ll feel better
if you don’t sit and brood.”

“I wasn’t brooding.” Her objection was mostly out of
principle, since she
had
been brooding and there was no reason not to go
down to the cafeteria. She stood up, went to the bathroom, washed her face, and
got onto the elevator with him. In the cafeteria, she ate half a sandwich,
which made her stomach feel better, since all she’d had today were four cups of
coffee.

An hour later, they were back in the waiting area, on a row
of chairs without armrests. Daniel had his arm around her, and she was leaning
against him.

“Why is it taking so long?” she mumbled, readjusting to get
more comfortable and in the process wrapping an arm around his waist.

His head moved against hers, and she was almost sure he
pressed a kiss into her hair. “It’s a complicated procedure, I think, but they
do it all the time. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

Jessica sighed. Then she glanced up at his face, catching a
look that startled her, since it was so full of tender feeling. “You don’t have
to stay here all afternoon with me.”

His expression transformed into surprised annoyance. “You
think I’m going to leave you?”

“No, I’m just saying you don’t have to stay. I know you must
be tired after preaching this morning, and you didn’t get much sleep last night,
and there’s nothing here for—”

“I’m not going to leave you here alone.”

“I know I was pitiful earlier, but I’m really okay. You
don’t have to feel sor—”

“I don’t feel sorry for you. I want to be here. So stop
trying to get me to leave.”

“I’m not trying to get you to leave. I just don’t want you
to feel oblige—”

He groaned and rubbed his face with one hand. “I know I’ve
made a mess of our relationship lately. I know it’s my fault. But I would have
been here for you before we got married, just because we’re friends. Why would
you think I’d do any less now that you’re my wife?”

For some reason, the earnestness of the words made her
cheeks flush. “Okay,” she mumbled, leaning against him again, mostly to hide
her expression.

He wrapped his arm around her once more, and they sat
together in silence.

When Randa walked by a few minutes later, she smiled at them
maternally, evidently feeling like she’d accomplished a job well-done.

***

Jessica was gently shaken awake by a
hand on her shoulder.

She blinked up, gradually recognizing Daniel’s face above
her. Her head hurt and her back hurt and she had no idea where she was.

“It’s late,” Daniel said, kneeling down beside her chair.
“Do you want to go home?”

Jessica blinked a few more times, realizing she was in the
hospital room with her mother. Her eyes flew to her mom, who was asleep on her
bed. She was hooked up to all kinds of devices, but she seemed to be resting
comfortably.

“I don’t know.” Her voice was scratchy, and she couldn’t get
her mind to work. “What time is it?”

“After ten.”

The afternoon had been a blur. Her mom had gotten out of
surgery about the time that Kim had arrived. Kim had stayed for several hours,
letting Daniel go back and let Bear out and keep a counseling appointment he’d
scheduled.

He’d come back around afterwards, bringing some takeout for
dinner. Kim had left then, and they’d stayed with her mom in the room until
Jessica fell asleep.

Daniel stood up and helped her to her feet. “Why don’t you
walk a little and stretch out? Then you can figure out what you want to do.”

She nodded, relieved to stretch out the knot in her back.
Daniel put a strong arm around her as they walked down the empty hallway.

Jessica stopped by the bathroom and threw water on her face,
and she felt a little better, although her head still ached.

Daniel was leaning against the wall when she came out of the
bathroom. He’d taken off the jacket to his suit and his tie earlier in the day,
and his trousers and dress shirt were wrinkled. His jaw looked more scraggly
than usual, and his eyes were tired and so tender they took her breath away.

Without thinking, responding only to the look in his eyes,
she walked over to him, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck and press
her body against his.

He slid his arms around her and held her to him in a hug.

“Are you all right?” he asked eventually, murmuring the
words against her ear.

“Yeah.” Her voice was muffled because her mouth was still
against his shirt.

“What do you want to do, honey?” He adjusted so both of his
hands were at the small of her back. “I’ll stay with you if you don’t want to
leave her, but I think you’d feel a lot better if you went home to get some
sleep. She seems to be okay for now.”

“Yeah,” Jessica murmured, so exhausted she could barely
move. “Let’s go home.”

Before they could move, a voice came from farther down the
hall. “What are y’all doing? Making out in the middle of the hospital?”

Jessica straightened up, startled by the interruption to
their innocent embrace, and Daniel let his arms drop to his side.

Micah approached, giving them a questioning grin.

“What are you doing here?” Daniel asked his brother.

“Hello to you too.” Micah turned to Jessica. “How’s your
mom?”

“She’s okay. She’s sleeping.”

“Seriously, what are you doing here so late?” Daniel
prompted.

“Just checking on you all. Are you going to stay here all
night? Do you want me to stop by and let the dog out?”

“Bear,” Jessica put in.

“Sorry. Bear.” Micah really was a good-looking guy, casual
and masculine in jeans and a flannel shirt. She figured all the girls in town
must be after him. He used to be pretty wild, but Daniel said he hadn’t really
dated since he’d come back to the church.

“No. We were about to head home.” Daniel put a hand on the
small of her back and nudged her forward. “Thanks, though. You didn’t have to
come all the way out here.”

“Not a problem. I’ve always liked your mom.” He gave Jessica
an ironic half-smile. “She made the best caramel corn.”

“No argument here,” Daniel agreed with a smile in his voice.
“Although Jessica can make it just as good.”

 ***

An hour later, Jessica crawled into
bed, feeling like she’d been through a battle.

Daniel’s truck wouldn’t start in the hospital parking lot, even
though he and Micah had spent about fifteen minutes fiddling with the engine.
So Daniel had driven her home in her car, saying he’d deal with the truck in
the morning.

Jessica had taken a shower, but that was all she had energy
to do. Daniel had taken Bear out on a short walk, but now he was in the shower
too.

The light at his bedside was on, so she could see him
clearly as he came into the bedroom wearing only a pair of pajama pants, which
was his normal sleeping attire, even in the winter.

His body was gorgeous, but she didn’t even have energy to
leer tonight.

“I thought you might already be asleep,” he said, climbing
into bed beside her.

“Not yet.”

He reached out to draw her into his arms.

She went willingly, loving the feel of his warm, strong body
beside hers. But she mumbled, “I don’t think I’m up to sex tonight.”

He made a gruff sound in his throat. “Do you really think
I’m going to make a move on you tonight?”

“Oh.” She shifted enough to look up at his face.

His expression softened. “I was just going to hold you.”

“Oh. That’s okay, then.” It’s was more than okay. It was
exactly what she wanted. Needed. She snuggled against him.

He stroked her hair and rubbed her back, and she sighed as
her body relaxed.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you right away,” she mumbled after
a few minutes. “After I found out about Mom, I mean.”

Daniel didn’t answer right away. “That’s okay. I understand
why you didn’t.”

She felt better with her apology given and accepted, so she
sighed again.

Then he said, “I almost called you about twenty times this
morning, wanting to apologize.”

For some reason, her heartbeat sped up. “Why didn’t you?”

“Because I’m an idiot.”

“Oh. I already knew that.”

He gave a huff of amusement, and his arm tightened around
her. “I really am sorry. About yesterday. And everything. I know I was shutting
you out, and I know it wasn’t right.”

“I know it’s hard for you,” she said, feeling safer because
it was dark, because she wasn’t looking at his face, and because his arm was
holding her close. “It’s okay. I understand. But we can’t…we can’t make this
work if you close me out.”

“I know.”

When he didn’t say anything else, she swallowed hard. “Do
you…do you
want
this to work?”

“Of course, I do.” He answered immediately, no hesitation in
his voice.

She had to believe him.

“Then we’ll keep working on it,” she said.

“Yeah. We’ll keep working on it.

“I’m serious, Jessica. You’ve been
here all day.”

Jessica sighed and looked up at her husband, who was
standing over her and frowning in concern. “I’m fine. I want to be with my mom.
What’s so wrong with that?”

“Nothing is wrong with it in theory. But you got here at
eight this morning, and it’s now after five. It’s not good for you to just sit
here all day.”

Her mom was doing as expected today, just a day after the
surgery. She’d been sleeping most of the day. “I don’t want to leave her alone.
I’m all she has.”

Daniel squatted down next to her chair so he was closer to
her eye level. “Randa is here this evening. She said she’d sit with her as much
as she can. She’s just sleeping now anyway.”

Jessica glanced back over to the bed. Her mother would be in
the hospital for a while. Then she’d get moved into rehab. Then she’d get moved
back into the home.

Not a very promising future.

Not much of a future at all.

“Jessica,” Daniel said, his voice thicker now. He took her
face in his hand to turn her back to look at him. “She’s okay right now. And
you staying here isn’t going to make it all better.”

She swallowed hard. “I know.”

“You need to take care of yourself too.”

“I know.” She hadn’t eaten much today. She was starving.

“Honey,” he said, taking her face in both of his hands, “You
need to let someone help you sometimes.”

“I do let people help me.” Her voice was wavering, since she
was so affected by Daniel’s voice and his intense expression. He’d only called
her “honey” a couple of times, but she loved the sound of it. She wasn’t sure
he was even conscious of doing it.

“No, you really don’t.”

“I do.”

“Okay. So you do. This is me, helping you.”

A shudder of emotion ran through her. “Okay.”

He blinked. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay what?” He still looked a little suspicious at her
acquiescence. “Okay, you’ll let me take you home?”

She nodded.

His face reflected relief, and he stood up and then helped
her to feet.

“I’ve got to do the intro to the choir concert at church
this evening,” he said, after she’d kissed her mom’s cheek and they were on
their way out, “but I don’t have to stay for the concert, so I’ll only be gone
for fifteen minutes or so.”

“You should stay for the whole thing. I don’t want people to
think I’m falling apart.”

“They’re not going to think you’re falling apart. They’ll
think I want to be with my wife when she needs me.”

“I’m really okay. It’s my mom whose had the rough time. I
actually kind of want to go to the concert.”

He looked surprised as he opened the passenger door to her
car, which they were sharing since he’d had to take his old truck to the
shop—the repairs beyond his and Micah’s abilities. “I know, but I thought you’d
be too tired to go.”

“I don’t know. I’m kind of tired, but I hate to miss it.
I’ve gone every single year of my life.”

“I know.” He shut the door for her and walked around to the
driver’s side. “Me too. We can go, if you want.”

“I think I do, unless I’m too tired when I get home.”

Daniel drove to a chain restaurant near the hospital so they
could get something to eat, and she ate the burger and fries gratefully. They
didn’t talk much, but it didn’t feel like they needed to.

When she got home, she laid down for about a half-hour and
dozed off. When she woke up, she felt better, and there was still time for her
to get dressed before the concert, so she decided she wanted to go after all. Everyone
always dressed up for the yearly Christmas choir concert, so she showered quickly
and put on something nice—a straight skirt and a dark red velvet top.

She was doing her makeup when Daniel came into the bathroom
to brush his teeth.

“Don’t get toothpaste on your tie,” she chided, holding his
tie back from the sink when he leaned over to spit.

He frowned at her, but she knew it wasn’t from genuine
annoyance.

Then she glanced down at the tie, which was still in her
hand. She smiled in surprise. “I got you this tie last Christmas.” It was
festive without being gaudy in dark red, green, and gold stripes.

“I know you did.”

She felt a shiver at the textured sound of his voice, but
she tried not to blow it out of proportion. He liked to take care of people. He
cared about her.

It didn’t necessarily mean anything significant between them
had changed.

“You look beautiful.”

“I do not.” She looked at herself in the mirror. She did
look nice, she thought. The red color brought out the color in her cheeks and
made her eyes look very blue. It also flattered her figure, which was unusual
since she normally wore baggy sweatshirts.

“Yes, you do. Do you have to argue with everything I say?”

“I only argue when you’re wrong.”

He chuckled. “I don’t think I’m wrong quite as often as you
argue with me. And I know I’m not wrong about this. You look absolutely
breathtaking.”

“Oh.” She wanted to squirm in pleasure but managed to resist
the impulse. “Thank you.”

To distract herself from sappy feelings, she brushed a
couple of white hairs off his trousers. “You’ve been petting Bear.”

“I have not been petting that dog. She gets more than enough
attention from you.”

Jessica giggled. “I saw you petting her earlier.”

“See. What did I say about your always arguing with me?”

“Well, that’s not my fault. You keep being wrong.”

***

The concert was at the church, which
was decorated beautifully for the Christmas season with wreaths, poinsettias,
and candles and garland at the windows.

Despite being rather tired, Jessica couldn’t help but feel a
thrill of appreciation for the old sanctuary, for the season, for the familiar
faces gathered for a concert she’d gone to every year of her life. It made her
feel connected to the people, the traditions, a long history, the community. It
was the kind of feeling she’d been seeking but not feeling all the time the way
she’d wanted.

Daniel’s only duty was to open the concert with a short
welcome and say a prayer before it got started. She felt a different sort of
thrill as she watched him greet the congregation with his usual warm charisma—that
he was hers, more than anyone else’s.

He came back to sit beside her when he’d finished, and he
put his arm around her shoulders casually as the first song began.

It wasn’t anything intimate or inappropriate. It just felt
natural. It just felt like they were a couple.

A real couple. Not a strange, pragmatically half-married
couple.

For the first time in their marriage, she didn’t immediately
try to talk herself out of the idea.

It wasn’t just her imagination. She knew something had
changed yesterday. He hadn’t pulled back immediately afterwards, the way he
always had after they’d been close before. He’d made some sort of genuine emotional
commitment. To her. To their marriage. Not just that he’d be faithful and hold
up his end of the bargain, but that he would try to genuinely be
with
her.

It was impossible not to see the difference.

It was what she wanted—so close to what she wanted. It made
her happy. Hopeful. That one day he might love her the way she loved him.

Perhaps because of this realization, or perhaps because she
was so incredibly tired after a really long weekend, as the concert progressed,
she got more and more emotional.

She couldn’t seem to control it, although she didn’t know of
any reason for the excessive emotion. When the audience stood for the Hallelujah
Chorus, which concluded the concert every year, tears slipped from her eyes.

It was embarrassing. She was never like this. She’d never been
one of those women who cried at the drop of a hat. She kept trying to
discreetly wipe the tears away, but they kept coming anyway.

After a minute, Daniel wrapped an arm around her, and she
hid her face against his shoulder, shaking just a little.

“You okay?” he murmured, his mouth just next to her ear.

“Yeah.”

“Anything I need to know?”

“No.” She managed to look up at him. “I’m just emotional.
It’s stupid.”

He peered at her face closely, as if searching for whether
she’d told him the truth. Evidently satisfied, he pressed his lips softly
against hers. “I don’t think you’re stupid.”

“Now who’s arguing all the time? Anyway, it’s disrespectful
to kiss during the Hallelujah Chorus. Pay attention.” She was pleased her voice
was light and teasing, although she was feeling anything but.

“Right,” he said with a twitch of a smile, turning back to
the choir.

She was giddy—no other word for it—as she listened to the
last triumphant bars, the music somehow matching the joyful swell of her heart.

They stayed for the reception afterwards, and she was
overwhelmed by the outpouring of concern for her, as people gathered to ask
about her mother and whether they could do anything to help.

She was so surprised and disoriented that she wasn’t
prepared when the conversation turned to the choir, and Daniel said casually,
“Jessica is thinking about joining.”

She gasped and poked him in the side.

He blinked down at her in feigned surprise. “You said you
were thinking about it.”

She gave him a discreet glare, since he’d obviously made the
public statement on purpose.

“Oh, you
must
join,” Martha said. “You have such a
lovely voice. We need another alto.”

“I’m thinking about it.”

“Just come and try it out to see if you like it. You don’t
have to commit.”

“I’m thinking about it.” In the face of all those expectant
eyes, she said, “I’ll come a couple of times in January to see if I like it.”

Then she poked Daniel in the side again, since he was
looking far too pleased with himself.

“Ouch.”

Those around them laughed at this bit of byplay, and Jessica
pretended to laugh too.

As they were leaving, Daniel asked, “Did you mean it about
trying out for the choir?”

“Yes. I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.”

“Good. Are you upset about it?”

“Why have you gotten it in your head that I should do this?”

He was looking baffled and concerned by her shift in mood. “I
think you’ll like it.”

Her giddiness had taken a hit from the possible explanation
that occurred to her. Normally, she wouldn’t have admitted to it, since it
revealed too much about her own feelings, but she didn’t have enough defenses
to hold it back tonight. “Do you think I need to do the choir? As part of being
your wife?”

Daniel stopped in the middle of the parking lot, a few
flakes of blowing snow landing on his dark hair before they melted. “What?”

“You seem to be pushing the idea so hard, and I wondered if
you thought I needed to be more involved in the church—as a pastor’s wife, I
mean. If that’s the case, it would just be easier if you came out and told me
how much you need me to do.”

Daniel almost choked on visible shock. “Of course you don’t
have to do anything because you’re my wife. I’d never expect you to do anything
for reasons like that.”

He seemed so authentically surprised—almost indignant—at the
idea that she had to believe him. “Oh,” she said.

“Jessica.”  He reached out to put a hand on her shoulder. “I
don’t have a picture in my mind of the kind of wife you’re supposed to be. I
don’t care if you cook or sing in the choir or do anything but be yourself.
Don’t do any of those things for me, because you think that’s the kind of wife
I want.”

She felt strange, shaky. “Then why are you pushing the choir
so much.”

“Because I think you’d really enjoy it. Because I think it
might help you feel more connected, and you said that’s what you want.” He
reached up and cupped her cheek with one big hand. “Honey, I want you to have
everything out of life that you want.”

She swayed toward him, drawn by the naked affection in his
eyes. “And you really think the choir is the way to get there?”

“I don’t know. But I know you can’t get connected the way
you want until you take a risk, until you put yourself out there. I know that’s
hard for you—it’s hard for everyone—but I thought the choir might be a small
risk you could take that might pay off. If you really don’t want to do it, I’ll
drop it for good. But I thought you were just afraid.”

“I was,” she admitted. “I am. But I can try it. Maybe I’ll
like it.”

He smiled in obvious satisfaction. “Good.”

“All I said was that I’d try it out. So, if I don’t like it,
you can’t complain if I quit.”

“I won’t complain. But I don’t think you’re going to quit.”

She grumbled under her breath, but mostly just for show.

They walked the rest of the way to the car, and he opened
the passenger door for her. “Are you tired?”

“Not too tired. Why?”

“We could get some dessert if you want. The cookies there
left something to be desired.”

“You don’t really think I’m going to turn down dessert, do
you?”

They went to a coffee shop on Main Street. They knew almost
everyone in the place when they walked in, about half of the patrons having
come from the concert just like them.

They said hello to everyone they knew, and then picked out
cupcakes from the case. She got red velvet, and he got carrot. Daniel got
regular coffee, and she got decaf.

There was one tiny table open in the far corner. She glanced
over at it and then up at Daniel.

“It’s kind of stuffy in here,” he said. “Is it too chilly to
go outside?”

“It’s not too bad. We can go out if you want.”

They went down the block to the duck pond and found a bench.
It was chilly, but not unbearably so. They both had coats on, and Jessica
leaned again Daniel, who was always warm.