Married by Christmas (19 page)

“I—” He clamped his lips together. He’d been about to say he’d deserved their ill-treatment. Becca’s words from their conversation in the orchard slipped through his mind, something that had been happening with irritating frequency. He’d even opened his Bible searching for proof her words were true. And while he’d found quite a few verses to support her assertions, he’d had trouble applying the truth to his own situation.

“I understand they were hurting,” he said at last.

“I was angry for a long time,” Adam admitted. “At you. At God. Wasted a lot of time and energy on blaming my circumstances on everyone else but myself. Eventually I realized that I was responsible for my own choices. I went along with your plan because that’s what I always did. You were the leader, and mostly I followed you without question. Since then, I’ve learned to stand up for myself. Well—” he gave a halfhearted grin and spread his hands over his legs “—not exactly
stand up.
You get my meaning.”

“How can you joke about it?” Caleb challenged.

“It’s either laugh or wallow in self-pity,” he said, and shrugged. “I wallowed until I could hardly stand myself.”

Kneading his tense neck muscles, Caleb gazed unseeing at the wide river below them. Adam had clearly learned to live with his disability. Had found peace and, from the looks of things, happiness.

Adam spoke into the silence. “I know this is going to sound crazy, but I’m a happier man than I used to be. Do I wish I could do the things I used to? Sure. But if God hadn’t allowed it to happen, I would’ve married Rebecca and made us both miserable. I would’ve missed out on God’s calling for my life. Not only that, I wouldn’t have met Laura. She’s the love of my life.”

Caleb stared hard at his friend. “Why would you say that? You and Rebecca were perfect together.” As difficult as that was to admit aloud, it was the truth. They’d been happy. Most of the time. But what couple didn’t have their issues?

Sadness stamped his features. “We were far from perfect, Caleb. In fact, now that I’m able to look at things objectively, I’d venture to say the two of you are more suited than she and I ever were.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

R
ebecca lingered in the O’Malley’s barn, the shadows and the horses’ nonjudgmental stares a balm to her ruffled spirits. The shock of seeing Adam had waned somewhat, allowing humiliation to pour in. What must Caleb think after she’d bolted like that?

The sound of creaking metal behind her had her lifting the brush from Cocoa’s coat and twisting to see who had discovered her hiding place.

Adam’s steady gaze searched her out in the semidarkness. Although bright outside, the interior of the lofty barn was dim, and she hadn’t bothered to light the lamps.

With a sigh, she laid the brush on the stall’s edge and went out into the aisle. “Is Caleb with you?”

“He said he’d wait in the cabin.”

Rebecca was afraid to imagine what he must be experiencing right now.

“And what about your wife? Where is she?”

Hands folded in his lap, he was at ease in the chair. “At my parents’.”

Her brows lifted. “She doesn’t have a problem with you visiting me?”

“Laura understands we have unfinished business. I’ve kept nothing from her.”

“I see.”

“Rebecca—”

She held up a hand. “All I want to know is why you didn’t answer my letters. If you’d simply written to me and told me you’d found someone else, I would’ve ceased writing. And that embarrassing scene in the mercantile would’ve been avoided.”

His grave countenance reflected his inner struggle. “I regret that I didn’t have the courage to do what was right by you. At first it was just too painful. And then I met Laura, and I felt guilty. I left town an extremely bitter man, you know. I thought my life was ruined, that because of my disability I had nothing to offer. I never told you I felt God’s calling to preach.”

Surprise rippled through her body. Adam? A preacher? He’d been set to take over his father’s farm. She’d thought he was content with that. Looking back, she realized they hadn’t spoken of truly serious issues. Their relationship had been quite shallow, come to think of it. She hadn’t shared her private thoughts with him. Nor he her.

“I had no clue.”

“That was part of our problem. We held pieces of ourselves back.”

“You’re right. We did.”
I don’t have the same problem with Caleb, though, do I? I say exactly what’s on my mind.

“I couldn’t accept that I was meant to be a preacher, so I ignored what was in my heart. The accident stopped me from running.”

“Are you saying you’re a preacher now?”

“Not yet. I’m currently attending seminary. Laura and I are living with her aunt and uncle in Maryville.”

She digested that information. “I lied,” she blurted. His brows shot up. “I do want to know something else. What convinced you to give her a chance when you couldn’t give me one?”

Regret flashed across his features. “The day Doc Owens told me I’d be bound to this wheelchair for the rest of my life, and that I would be dependent on others for the simplest things, I couldn’t fathom being your husband. Or anyone’s, for that matter. All I could see was the loss of my independence, my manhood. How could I support a wife and family when I couldn’t even dress myself? I felt cheated. And I couldn’t bring myself to face you. I knew that if I stayed here, I’d have to watch you fall for another man. I couldn’t stand to watch someone else get the life I was supposed to have, so I left.”

“I wish you would’ve talked to me,” she said softly.

His fingers clenched on the wheels. “I wish I had, too. I don’t think it would’ve changed our circumstances, but you deserved to hear my decision from me personally. I’m sorry.”

Nodding, she scuffed her boot in the straw. “So you met her in Maryville...”

“I was still bitter over my lot in life when Laura came along. Unlike those around me, she called me on my self-pity, refused to allow me even an ounce of sympathy. She treated me as an equal. It was as if she didn’t see my disability. She just saw
me.
” His smile was quick and natural. He was content, something Rebecca never thought she’d witness in him again.

“Eventually, I realized I needed to let go of my former expectations about what my life was supposed to be like. I had to accept my new circumstances if I ever hoped to be content. Of course, this took me a while,” he said, and blushed. “Laura got tired of waiting and made the first move.”

Oddly, Rebecca couldn’t summon jealousy for Laura or resentment for him. That part of her life was well and truly over. “I’m happy for you, Adam.”

Cocking his head, he openly studied her. “I believe you mean that.”

“I do.”

“Caleb and I had an interesting conversation.”

“You’ve forgiven him?” She held her breath. If Adam withheld it, Caleb might not ever be able to move forward with his life. He’d be stuck forever in the cycle of self-blame.

“Of course. After all, I agreed to go along with his scheme.” Her shoulders sagged with relief, and his gaze turned knowing. “You care for him.”

“That’s none of your business.” Sidestepping him, she paced to the door and pushed it open but didn’t leave. The yard was empty save for a stray calico cat stalking unseen prey.

Adam turned the chair around. “Back when we were all friends, I suspected Caleb had feelings for you. I even found myself wondering if you harbored feelings for him, as well.”

Pressing a hand to her rapidly beating heart, she whirled to stare at him. “How can you say that? I was loyal to you, Adam.”

“I wasn’t questioning your loyalty.” He arched a brow, then shook his head. “I don’t know how to explain it. There was just something in the way you looked at each other sometimes. And after your crazy rescue of that kitten, you wouldn’t go near the man. I confronted Caleb. I thought maybe you’d quarreled. But he was as confused about your behavior as I was.” He kicked up a shoulder. “Anyway, my suspicions were confirmed the night after I proposed to you.”

“What? How?”

“He paid me a late-night visit. Not to congratulate me, mind you, but to warn me. If I didn’t treat you right, I’d have him to answer to. I asked if he cared for you as more than a friend, but he refused to answer. Just reiterated his threat and stomped off into the night. I’d never seen him that serious about anything before.”

Rebecca sagged against the door. Could it be true? Had Caleb experienced the same mysterious pull she had? More important, had he cared for her? Truly cared?

Looking at her former sweetheart, she accepted that what they’d shared had been an immature love. Like a tree with shallow roots, it hadn’t been able to withstand the fierce winds of life’s trials. That was why he’d broken off the engagement, why her pledge of support hadn’t been enough.

“I think he still cares, Rebecca,” Adam said. “More than he’ll ever admit.”

* * *

Caleb thought he might climb out of his skin waiting for Becca and Adam to emerge from the barn. His instinct was to barge in there and see for himself what they were saying. She was
his
wife, after all.

Somehow he found the willpower to stay away. He tried reading his Bible but couldn’t concentrate. Ended up pacing the floor, tiring his leg and driving himself crazy imagining their possible conversations—none of them satisfactory.

He jerked to a stop the instant she walked through the door. Closing it, she leaned against the smooth wood. “Adam’s waiting outside. He said you offered to take him home.”

Going to stand before her, he became frustrated when he couldn’t read her expression. She didn’t look particularly upset. Much more composed than when she’d fled the mercantile. “Are you all right?”

She nodded. “I apologize for running off like that. I didn’t exactly expect to run into Adam today.”

“I wasn’t thinking straight, either. Should’ve seen you home.” He shuddered when he thought about the danger she could have been in, alone and unprotected.

“We were both shocked.”

Unable to resist touching her, Caleb lightly skimmed his knuckles along her cheek. Her lips parted, and the tiniest of sighs escaped. Only the knowledge that Adam—her first choice—was waiting kept Caleb from kissing her.

“Tell me the truth,” he murmured, searching the jade depths. “How are you really? Seeing him with her couldn’t have been easy.”

“I told you the truth,” she softly insisted, wrapping her fingers about his wrist. “I’m not suffering. In fact, knowing he’s content and settled has actually given me closure.”

Her equanimity coupled with her admission gave him hope. Did this mean her heart was free? Could she one day come to care for him?

Care for me? I am the reason she’s trapped in this marriage. No doubt the chief emotion she feels is resentment.

Sure, Becca welcomed his touch, but that was likely loneliness talking. And plain old run-of-the-mill attraction. A spark had always existed between them, even when she’d been courting his best friend. Not that she’d ever admit it.

Edging back, he snagged his Stetson off the coatrack and shoved it on his head. “I’ve got to go.”

“Wait.” When he paused in buttoning up his coat, she clasped her hands behind her back. “What about you? Has seeing Adam again, speaking with him, given you closure, too?”

Unprepared for such a question, he dropped his hands to his sides and stared at her. “I know what you’re really asking. Now that Adam has absolved me of blame, you want to know if I can forgive myself. Shed the guilt. Am I right?”

“Yes.”

“And what if I can? Would you be happy having me around day and night?” He crowded her, need expanding in his chest until he thought his heart might burst. What was she doing to him? He used to be content on his own. She’d wrecked that. If he had to go back to living alone in the mountains, he’d surely go mad with wanting her, missing her. “Would you be willing to rescind our agreement?”

Panic stealing across her face, she held up her hands as if to ward him off. “You like solitude. You prefer it.”

“Do I?”

“While I don’t want you to shoulder the burden of guilt any longer, you and I should stick to the agreement we made. That’s the only way we can survive this marriage.”

Sorrow worked its way up from the soles of his feet. Hang the outlaws and the circumstances that had led him to her. He would’ve been better off if he’d stayed far away from Gatlinburg and the one woman who’d ever laid claim to his heart.

“If that’s the theory you want to cling to, darlin’, I won’t challenge it.”

Then he left before he proved himself a liar and set about changing her mind with actions instead of words.

* * *

Caleb steered clear of the cabin the rest of the day. He didn’t dare go near his wife, not when his emotions were so near the surface, threatening to spill over at the slightest provocation. He could hardly believe he’d been foolish enough to fall for her. Rebecca, the girl who’d fascinated him with her zest for life, her ability to see beauty in the mundane, her compassionate nature. The girl he’d never been good enough for, not even before the accident.

He loved her. Even in the silence of the dairy barn, in the privacy of his own mind, the admission rocked him. Spooked him. Because this wasn’t something that was going to go away. He’d have to live with this all-consuming emotion knowing she didn’t love him back. That she wished him far away.

“What do you expect, O’Malley,” he muttered, forking a wad of straw in the last stall. “You’ve caused her nothing but heartache.”

“Talk to yourself much?”

Caleb turned to glare at his older brother. “What brings you here, Nathan? Surprised you could tear yourself away from that pretty little wife of yours.”

Perching his arms on the stall, Nathan grinned over at him. “Ten-minute intervals is about all I can take. That’s why I brought her with me. She’s in the kitchen with Ma.”

With a shake of his head, Caleb turned to his task. Maybe if he ignored Nathan, he’d go away.

“We’ve been to see the baby.”

Then again, maybe not. He didn’t respond, just kept mucking out the stall.

“When’s the last time you saw her?”

“I’m guessing you already know the answer.”

“She’s your niece, Caleb,” he said with a sigh. “While Josh didn’t come right out and say it, I got the impression he’s hurt by your neglect.”

Stopping to lean his weight on the pitchfork handle, he snapped, “As soon as Tate’s killers are caught, I’m leaving. You know that. So you can understand why I’m reluctant to play the part of the doting uncle.”

“You don’t have to leave. You can choose to stay here with the family, who needs you. That includes your wife and sister-in-law.”

His fingers tightened around the handle. “Actually, I do have to leave. I made a promise to my wife that I aim to honor.”

“Why don’t you talk to her?” Nathan entreated. “She may have had a change of heart.”

“I have. And she made it perfectly clear that she wants me gone.”

Looking decidedly unhappy, Nathan pushed away from the stall. “I’m sorry, Caleb. I had hoped...”

“Yeah. Me, too,” he admitted. “But it’s not to be.”

After a constrained silence, Nathan jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “Why don’t you have dessert with us? Ma made pie.”

“I’m not in the mood for company.”

Frowning, he turned and walked toward the double doors. “I’ll be praying for you, brother.”

Grateful, he nodded his thanks. He hoped God would have mercy on him and banish these feelings. That was the only way he’d survive leaving her. “Tell Sophie I said hi.”

“Will do.”

Losing himself in his work, he trudged home at half past eight, his empty stomach growling in protest. Should’ve stopped to eat hours ago. Hadn’t been able to face the thought of another strained meal with Becca, however.

On the porch, he hesitated. “God, give me strength.”

The fact that Becca was sitting on the sofa facing the door immediately struck him as wrong. Warning prickles pinched the skin between his shoulder blades.

“Caleb—”

The strangled note in her voice, the stark fear in her eyes, registered the same time he became aware of their visitors.

“Well, if it ain’t our witness,” a burly man with shorn brown hair snarled from his position in the kitchen. The revolver in his hand was pointed straight at Caleb’s chest. “Took your time comin’ home, didn’t ya? We’ve enjoyed gettin’ to know your wife while we waited.”