Marked by Grief (4 page)

Jason came over to stand in front of him and placed a firm hand on either shoulder. "Kit, talk to me."

His quiet command soothed Kit and he forced himself to nod.

"I've got scars. From the accident. Mom and Dad freaked out when they saw them. Like seriously freaked. I don't want you to be upset too," he said quietly as he stared up into Jason's nearly black eyes.

"I knew you were in the hospital and I was told you'd been grazed by the truck. I figured you'd have some scarring. We can't tattoo over the scars since you haven't had them long enough so I'l put the bear's face on a part that isn't scarred. Okay?"

Kit nodded. Jason's classic, matter-of-fact way of dealing with problems had always served as a calming force for him. Now more than ever. He watched as Jason dropped his hands and took a step back, giving him the space he needed to pul the T-shirt over his head. He tossed it to the empty chair beside the table and held his breath for the inspection. He heard the sharp inhale of Jason's breath and looked up, expecting pity but seeing pain.

"You're bones, Kit." He placed a hand on Kit's visible ribs. "Jesus Christ, you're starving yourself."

Kit shook his head. "Food doesn't realy taste like anything."

Jason's warm palm moved to a dark spot on his ribs, a bruise already forming.

"I'm sorry. Again." He took a step back and Kit turned over onto his stomach. This would be the hard part. He knew what his scars looked like. What was once red, angry skin had mostly healed into raised pink tissue, but the truck had hit him hard and although it had done some of the damage, the road had done the rest as he'd been thrown across the gravel that lined the park. He knew his back would never look the same and Jason would only have about half of it to work with. Jason's hand was a firm weight on his lower back as he came to stand beside him.

"Do they hurt?"

Kit shook his head. "I'm alive right? So I can't complain."

"Yeah, you're alive," Jason said gently. "But you are stil alowed to complain." Kit shivered as Jason's fingers moved up his spine, over the smalest of the scars to rest on his unblemished shoulder.

"When the truck hit, I was already turning sideways so it scraped me and spun me sideways. I got a broken wrist, cracked ribs and a few stitches. I was lucky." He wasn't sure why he wanted to say al that.

It's not like the papers hadn't explained it al already.

But teling Jason felt different.

"You would have died too, if Bear hadn't pushed you out of the way first."

Kit nodded. His brother's last act in life was to save Kit's. Which was so completely typical of Bear.

But it hurt that Bear had been this great shining light in the world and Kit had done pretty much nothing with his life before or after the accident.

He quickly wiped the tears from his eyes, and took a deep breath to calm himself, as Jason started drawing on his left shoulder. He turned and watched him, those dark eyes so focused as he chewed his lip in concentration. "The wrong brother died." He'd never uttered those words before to another person, but he'd known them since he'd seen Bear pinned under the truck that night. The truth hurt to say but the words needed to get out. Most days he felt like he was suffocating under them.

Jason stopped and put the pen down. He looked angry but his hand was gentle on Kit's face as he stroked the hair back from his eyes. "You aren't your brother, you're someone completely different. And it's right that you're alive. We don't always get what we want or even understand what's given to us when we do get it. But the right brother is here with me right now."

Kit closed his eyes and let Jason's touch soothe him. "How can you say that? Bear was amazing. He was going to do something good with his life."

"And you're what?"

Kit shrugged. He kept his eyes closed; it was easier that way.

"You are just as good as Bear ever was. I loved Bear; he was my best friend and an amazing guy.

But you're not him. You're different and yet you're stil as bright and as good. Neither of you should've died. I don't believe in fate or miracles or any of that, so I won't tel you it was some grand master plan for him to die and for you to live. It was a shit mistake from a fucking drunk driver and it cost you and your family a whole hel of a lot. And it pisses me off to no end that now he doesn't even have to suffer for it. But you are here and you're going to start dealing with that."

"But… how?" Kit asked him, finaly opening his eyes. He was surprised to see tears reflecting back in Jason's eyes as he wiped his own away. "I don't even know where to begin. I quit my job, I've missed one semester and I'm about to miss another. None of my friends are there anymore, my family is faling apart and —"

"And you've got me," Jason interrupted him.

"I'm here now and I'm not going away again. Smal steps. First, you're going to eat something after this.

We're getting double cheeseburgers and milkshakes.

It's good food and it's got the calories you need right now. And then you're coming over to my place for a while and we're going to hang out and watch a movie or two. You haven't left your house in months, Kit. You've barely even left your room. After that it's up to you to decide if you want to join the living again."

Kit nodded. Jason was right, it was up to him.

But he liked that someone else had a plan. He could use someone else taking control of his life for a little while and if Jason was wiling to take the job, then he could have it. "Now, you ready for me to begin the tattoo?"

Kit was surprised. "You're already done drawing it?" Jason nodded. "But… how? Doesn't that normaly take an hour or something?"

Jason gave him a half smile and roled up his right sleeve just far enough for Kit could see the tattoo that covered his entire forearm from the inside of his elbow to his wrist. "The bear."

Kit touched it with his fingertips. His gaze traveled to the picture behind Jason's head. "That's your arm."

Jason nodded. "Yeah, it is. I did it the day of the funeral. I wanted a way to remember him always and just started drawing. A guy in the shop said he'd do the outlines for me and then I did the rest myself.

Tattooing yourself is not fun and I don't recommend it.

But I didn't want anyone else touching Bear's mark on my skin. And it took nearly the entire afternoon while I sat on this stool in front of a mirror."

Kit smiled. Jason had loved his brother. Kit was glad someone else had. "I'm glad he had you."

Jason smiled and ran his hand down Kit's spine, leaving a trail of tingling warmth down cool skin. "I'm glad he had you too. You two were good for each other. And you were both damn good for me. I don't know how much Bear ever told you about my childhood, but I didn't have the best life growing up."

Kit shook his head, Bear hadn't told him anything. "We won't go into specifics, it's done and over with. But there are reasons I spent so much time at your house.

And your mom and dad took great care of me and Bear was like a brother and best friend al roled into one."

Kit nodded. "He was that for me too."

Jason smiled at him and gave his hair a playful ruffle just before he turned on the machine. Kit watched, wide eyed as the pulsing needle came toward him. "You want to stop? Now would be a good time to say so."

Kit bit his lip and shook his head. He baled his fist in preparation for the first bits of pain and although they came, it wasn't at the intensity he'd been expecting.

He relaxed, uncurled his hand and took a deep breath. "It's not so bad," he said, amazed.

Jason laughed. "You thought it was going to be awful?" Kit nodded. "Naw. It's not so bad. There are parts that hurt worse than this for sure. It'd be easier on you if you were the weight you're supposed to be. Right over bones hurts a lot. But this isn't a bad place to get a first tattoo."

Kit nodded and let himself relax into the feeling of Jason's hand, steady and strong on his shoulder, as the machine buzzed against his skin. "You've changed soaps." He hadn't meant to say it out loud but Jason laughed good-naturedly.

"Yeah, the other stuff was Bear's. He would buy a pack of the special handmade soap and then give me a few bars to make sure I didn't run out. He always was generous like that. It was hard to smel like him at first. But then it was hard not to. I switch back and forth, especialy when I miss him."

Kit felt a bit sad at that. Jason loved his brother and Bear had obviously loved him too. Had his brother had been bi and never told him? He couldn't be upset.

Kit had never told Bear about being gay or loving Jason either. Now Kit was glad he hadn't told Bear. He never would have wanted to put his brother in that position. "I didn't know that Bear was bi. Why didn't he trust me enough to tel me that?"

Jason frowned down at him. "Bear wasn't bi."

Kit blinked up at him. "But you just said…"

"I said he was my best friend, was like a brother to me and that I loved him. He wasn't bi."

"But…" Kit frowned. He'd assumed that since he loved Jason, Bear had as wel. "I thought you two were… you know… together." He tried to shrug but Jason's firm hand on his shoulder stopped him and he remembered a second later that he was getting a tattoo on that shoulder.

"We weren't. But it's okay to be gay, Kit. I know you never officialy told me so don't be mad that I've known, but you don't have to feel like you need to hide it from me. Not sure why you never told me though. That was always a bit strange."

Kit just stared up at him. "You knew? But…

how? No one knew. I didn't even tel Bear."

Jason smiled down at him. "You didn't know we were in the house when that asshole Dale Frix broke up with you."

Kit's face flamed. He hadn't loved Dale by any means, but he'd been his first boyfriend. "He said I was a bad lay." His skin flushed with shame. He hadn't attempted sex with another guy since then, though he'd gotten close a few times. The memory of that experience always stopped him.

"Yeah, wel, he was an idiot. And it's not like other guys haven't been told they're bad in bed before.

It can kil the ego for a while but it's not the end of the world."

Kit pursed his lips. "Sure felt like it. Stupid Dale. And it hurt too." It felt strange teling Jason these things that he hadn't ever shared with another person.

But somehow it felt right too. Like the guy would understand somehow. Or at the very least not judge him.

Jason nodded and the buzzing continued as he moved along the tattoo. "Inexperience can make guys do stupid things. For future reference, always get a more experienced top. You need to trust that person and they have to know what they're doing. A lot of damage can be done the other way."

"How could you possibly know that?" Kit asked him, a bit amazed. He knew Jason was smart but it didn't seem like simple, casual knowledge someone would get from a book.

Jason stopped and stared down at him. "Bear never told you I'm gay?" Kit could only gape at him.

"Wel, now it makes sense why you never came to me to talk about anything. I knew Bear could keep a secret, but shit. This is something you probably should've known at some point. Probably should have just told you myself, but since he knew I was wel before we knew you were, I assumed he'd just go ahead and tel you."

Kit shook his head. "No one ever told me anything. And I blame you both." He said it with a teasing smile and that's how Jason obviously took it as he grinned back down at him. "And now you're going to have to hear al of my questions."

Jason nodded. "I always thought as much. But when you didn't come to me I assumed you'd learned some other way and hoped the information was good.

As long as you didn't get hurt I was going to let you be."

Kit bit his lip. He didn't want Jason to just let him be. Whatever the hel that was supposed to mean. He'd fantasized about Jason for years. He didn't want to get the information and then be left to go off and find someone else to use al his new-found knowledge on.

He wanted Jason. But the man didn't seem interested.

Kit closed his eyes and sighed.
Fucking figures.

"You doing okay?"

Kit nodded, relaxing once more into the warmth of Jason's hand on his shoulder as the machine buzzed in his ear. He hadn't let anyone touch him in months. His parents had tried hugging him once they got home from the funeral, but his back had been too tender and he'd cried out the moment they'd embraced him. They hadn't attempted it since. His mother tried touching him a few times after that, but the attempts were always fleeting.

As if she didn't quite know what to do with him anymore. He understood. He didn't know what to do with them either without Bear around. He didn't know how to be an only child.

The machine clicked off and Kit opened his eyes to see Jason putting it away. "It's al done?" He kept stil, afraid to move in case there was a second part to the process he didn't know about. He hadn't come to see any of the times Jason gave Bear tattoos so he wasn't sure.

Jason turned back to him and tossed out his gloves. "Yeah." He helped Kit sit up, keeping a hand on his shoulder to steady him. "Dizzy?"

Kit shook his head. His back was sore but it didn't hurt. He knew what real pain was and this was practicaly nothing. He craned his neck to look over his shoulder but couldn't see anything. Jason was there with a mirror when he turned back around. He helped Kit stand up and led him over to the mirror against the wal.