Marjorie Farrel (24 page)

On the other hand, he knew there was nothing else he wanted from the lady than that release. His feelings ran no deeper than friendship, gratitude, and attraction. As he began to realize he need not be condemned to a bachelor existence because of his blindness, he found himself wanting more. He thought about Miss Ware more often. Not just to contemplate her astute observations on the ton, but also her equally astute observations on politics and poetry. As he remembered some of their more intimate conversations, he began to realize that an attraction had been growing that he had not been aware of at the time. She had had the potential of becoming more than a companion. After all, there would not have been such anger if there were no strong feelings, he thought, becoming angry at her all over again. Had she only agreed to his proposal, they might have discovered deeper feelings for each other. Or he might have discovered them. She certainly had never said she cared. Had she, wouldn’t she have wanted to be with him in any circumstances?

“Don’t you agree, your grace?” Diana asked.

Simon was brought back from his daydreaming by Diana’s voice, which was both amused and a bit annoyed at his distraction. He quickly agreed, apologizing for his lapse of attention, and they moved out of the ballroom and into the refreshment room.

Judith, who had been very conscious that Diana seemed to be looking over at her, was greatly relieved when they left. They had not been introduced, but Diana might have heard her name over the course of the evening. If Simon found out that Miss Ware was at the ball, Judith did not want to be anywhere near him.

The ball ended uneventfully, however, and both Simon and Judith went home strangely dissatisfied with what had been, after all, a very enjoyable evening.

Judith had found it thrilling to be found attractive and in demand, yet knew that only Simon’s attentions would have made the night a triumph. She went to bed certain that the duke was going to propose to Diana. She had wanted him to discover he was still lovable, but it seemed to her he had succeeded all too well. She sank into a sleep punctuated by dreams of her disrupting the duke’s wedding, wearing green velvet robes and muttering curses in some ancient language.

Judith had almost forgotten her conversation with the duchess, when a few days after the ball she received a short note inviting her to tea. She was touched that she had been remembered, and relieved that she had accepted all of Barbara’s gifts, since she now had an appropriate gown to wear for her visit.

She was looking forward to tea for two reasons. She had enjoyed the older woman’s interest in her, for, aside from Hannah, she had no motherly figures to turn to for comfort. And since the duchess was not put off by her honesty, it might be possible to get advice and perhaps some help in finding another situation.

Judith found her enthusiasm beginning to drain out of her on her way over. Perhaps she had mistaken the duchess’s kindness, after all? Why would a duchess take notice of a veritable nobody like herself anyway? By the time she reached Grosvenor Square, Judith had given up her plan to ask for advice and had decided to drink her tea and leave quickly.

When they sat down together in the morning room, the duchess was afraid that the subdued girl, responding in monosyllables, was the only companion she would have for tea, and did her best to put Judith at ease. Judith, however, could not seem to relax, until the duchess, in desperation, asked her if she were fond of novels, and receiving a nod, asked if she had read the new book by Miss Austen. Judith’s face lit up, and her grace saw a little of what had attracted her to the girl in the first place.

“Indeed yes. I am just now finishing
Emma
. Have you read it, your grace?”

“No, but I am eager to. How does it compare to Pride and Prejudice!”

“It is quite a different sort of book. Or rather, a very different sort of heroine. Emma is as lively and intelligent as Eliza Bennet, but she is also a bit spoiled and too sure of herself. I don’t know if I like her at all—she makes me feel uncomfortable.’’

“You do not think that women should be too sure of themselves?”

“Oh, dear, I do not know how to answer.” Judith laughed. “Perhaps I feel uncomfortable with Emma because in her I can recognize some of my own pride.”

The duchess looked at her inquiringly. “Go on.”

“Emma is always convinced she knows what is best for others, and she acts on that belief and changes lives. I can think of several times when I forcefully expressed my opinion, thinking I knew what was best for myself or another. In the heat of the moment, it seemed the right advice. Now, I am not so sure. I think I have learned a little humility. It remains to be seen if Emma does.” Judith smiled, to lighten her observation.

“And was this recent, your lesson in humility? I should have thought it would be hard to survive three years as a governess without it.”

“Oh, yes, you are right. When you are at someone else’s beck and call, no matter how kind the employer, one’s self-esteem is surely diminished. But I think I am talking about another kind, one that goes deeper. For me, it takes the form of a rather rigid idealism. Love should be this way, and no other. A perhaps misguided sense of integrity has ruled my life. It would have been far better if I had given in to what I feared was a misguided heart ...” Judith paused. “I should not be prosing on like this. You do not need to be burdened with my dilemmas. But I do tend to get carried away, especially when the listener seems truly interested.”

“As indeed I am. When was it that you realized that you would have been better to follow your heart?”

Without thinking, Judith blurted out, “When I saw Simon with Lady Diana.”

“Simon? The Duke of Sutton?”

“Oh, dear! Yes.”

“Do you know Simon?”

“I was his reader this fall.”

“So that was the position you mentioned the other night.”

“Yes. I suppose that I had better explain, or you will think me quite mad.” Judith told the story as concisely as she could, ending with her refusal of Simon’s proposal. “So, you see, if I hadn’t been so sure of myself, I might be with him now. Instead, I was convinced I knew what he needed and sent him out to find love, which he has so obviously done.”

“I am not so sure,” said the duchess. She was surprised, but not shocked at Judith’s revelation. The poor girl doesn’t realize how much good she has done Simon, she thought. He came back to life because of her outspokenness and integrity, her willingness to be honest with him. The pity is that now she has begun to realize the depth of her feeling for him, and now that he is feeling more sure of himself, there is no easy way to bring them together.

“I have known Simon and Diana for many years, and my impression is they are both enjoying a flirtation, nothing more. You were right, my dear. It did restore something to Simon to discover he could still be attractive to a woman. And this flirtation of theirs gave Diana the opportunity to discourage Viscount Devenham and remain safe from other suitors.”

“Do you really think so, your grace?” Judith so wanted to believe her, but was afraid the duchess was only offering false comfort.

“I do. The question remains, however, how to resolve this comedy so that all end up with whom they belong. I am convinced, by the way, that you most certainly belong with Simon and he with you.”

“How can you say that? You hardly know me!”

“I was struck by your forthrightness the other night, and today has only confirmed my first impression. Simon needs a woman to love him passionately, yes, but more than that he needs a good and trustworthy friend. You can offer him both love and a companionship of the mind and spirit, a rare thing in this day and age. I would be quite envious had I not something like it with my dear Harold. Do not underestimate the value of your time together, or his proposal to you. It may have sounded too rational, and he may not have spoken of love, but I know Simon well, and he would never have proposed marriage where there was no feeling. He is too warm a man; his parents married for love, and that memory has stayed with him.”

“If all that is true, your grace, then it is even worse than I thought. I made him furious with me. I can hardly knock on his door now and inform him that I have changed my mind!”

“No. But you might meet at a small dinner party here.”

“Oh, no, I could never risk that. He would recognize me immediately!”

“Of course. Why do you think I suggested it?” The duchess laughed.

“But why would Miss Ware be invited in the first place?”

“Because you are a friend of Barbara’s and because I enjoy your company. Oh, Lady Diana will come too. We shall have all the actors assembled.”

“No, I cannot do it,” Judith said. “I thank your grace, but I could not bear to see him and have him ignore me or, even worse, berate me.”

“Ring a peal over you for what? For caring enough about yourself and him to do what you thought was best?”

“I think, your grace, he would be angry because I knew him too well. And because I deceived him. I never told him I knew the Stanleys or that our acquaintance helped me win an interview for the situation. He will think I acted as some sort of spy.”

“My dear,” said the duchess, taking both of Judith’s hands in hers to stop her wringing them, “do you love Simon? Would you be willing to be married to a blind man, knowing the difficulties it would entail?”

“Oh, yes, I do love him. I never realized how much until I saw him waltzing with Diana.”

“And you are going to spend the rest of your life dreaming about what you might have had together, instead of taking the risk of getting what you want? Or do you want to remain safe in your dream world?”

Judith pulled back as though she had been slapped.

“I know that I sound harsh. But I am offering you a chance to see Simon again, to stand up to his anger and to ask him for what you want.”

Judith hesitated a moment as she took in the duchess’s words. “You are right, your grace. I am terrified that I will lose. But I would hate myself for the rest of my life did I not take the opportunity you are offering me. I don’t know why you should care to go to all this trouble for a virtual stranger, but I am grateful.”

“Because I love Simon as though he were my own son, and I would like to see him happy—and because I would like to bring you into the family. Now, when should this famous party be,” mused the duchess, releasing Judith’s hands and letting her regain a little of her composure.

“As soon as possible, before I lose my courage.” Judith laughed.

“It does need to be set within a week or so,” agreed the duchess. “There are not many people in town at this time of year, and the closer to the holidays, the more who will be gone into the country. I think I will try for Tuesday week.”

* * * *

The dinner invitation arrived at the Wares’ a few days later, and Judith, who had successfully hidden her heartaches, wondered what to tell Stephen. It would be relatively easy to explain the dinner invitation. What would be more difficult would be to explain any outcome, good or bad. For if Simon refused to have anything to do with her, Judith knew she could hide her feelings no longer. And if he did? Well, that would be as hard to explain! And it was bad enough to have to meet Simon. But to have Diana and Dev and the Stanleys there seemed the outside of enough. It is inviting disaster, thought Judith. I am glad that I am not the hostess for this infamous party.

When Stephen returned home that night, Judith took down the heavy white envelope from the mantel and handed it to him.

“What’s this, Judith?”

“I am invited to the Duchess of Ross’s for dinner next Tuesday.”

Stephen smiled at her, “One evening out, and you’re a success, eh? And who is the duchess?”

“A friend of the Stanleys, and also the godmother of the Duke of Sutton, I believe.”

Stephen was immediately more attentive. “The duke? Does she know that you were once employed by him? Won’t it be a bit awkward?”

“Yes, she knows. She also knows I fell in love with him, Stephen.”

Stephen’s fingers, which had been lightly fingering the engraving on the invitation, became still. “I thought there might have been more to your dismissal than you told me. Why did you remain silent?”

“I didn’t want to upset you. And I felt that the less I spoke about it, the sooner I would forget him.”

“Will the duke be at this dinner?”

“Yes. And Lady Diana Grahame, to whom he has been paying marked attention, and Robin, who is probably in love with Diana, and Judith Ware, who loves Simon, Duke of Sutton!”

“Why do we need a novel tonight?” Stephen ran his hand through his hair. “We are right in the middle of a comedy. Or is it a tragedy? Does the duke love this Lady Diana?”

“The duchess thinks not. Oh, Stephen, she is a dear woman, but I think even she has taken on too much. But she met me briefly at the ball, and I had tea with her this week. She likes me, and was so warm that I could not help revealing to her who Miss Ware really was. She challenged me—said I should be willing to meet Simon under everyday circumstances and see if there might be a chance he cared for me. I think she is right, I must do this. But I am terrified.”

“I quite understand, but if I were you, I wouldn’t miss this dinner for anything.”

Judith laughed. “You know, it is quite dreadful, but a part of me can stand back and imagine what Miss Austen might do with a scene like this. I wish, however, I were the author, and not an actor in the drama.”

“At least this way, you will have acted on your own behalf, Judith. It may not change the outcome, but at least you will not be hating yourself for not trying.”

“That is why I finally agreed to this scheme. Come, let us finish off another chapter of our novel, before we retire.”

Simon was too caught up in preparing his speech to refine much upon an invitation to what was for him practically a family dinner. He was pleased Robin and Barbara would be there, for he had not seen them as often as usual these past few days. Robin had made his apologies upon a few occasions that Simon had asked for an escort. The excuses were legitimate, but Simon worried if his friend were not tiring of being his “eyes.” On the one hand Simon was grateful Robin was honest with him, but on the other hand, the duke had the uneasy feeling that the growing constraint between them was due to something else. He had about given up on pushing Robin and Diana together. Perhaps his friend had never been in love with her? Or Diana might be right that she had killed off his feelings for her, thought Simon. He would never have imagined Robin would see his flirtation with Diana as anything but that. He was unusually sensitive, for a man, to others’ feelings, and his blindness made him rely upon this sensitivity even more. But his blindness also hampered him in ways he could not have anticipated. He had never before realized how much depends upon small things like a lifted eyebrow or an averted gaze, as clues to one’s companion’s moods. He could feel the constraint between Robin and Diana and the slight stiffness in Robin’s manner to himself, but could not see the tightening of his friend’s jaw when Simon spoke of Diana in flattering terms with the intent of rekindling Robin’s interest, or the pain and longing he could not keep from his eyes when Simon and Diana were waltzing.