Manipulation (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (8 page)

Take to heart what the Bible says:

“A man reaps what he sows.”
(Galatians 6:7)

3
Enforce the consequence
every single time
the manipulative behavior occurs.

• Do not bluff! The manipulator needs to know you are going to consistently act on your words.
  
• In your mind and heart ...
  
  • Say
    no
    to manipulation.
    
  • Say
    no
    to pressure.
    
  • Say
    no
    to control.
    
• Eventually, your manipulator will stop a manipulative tactic, but only after that tactic proves to be ineffective.
  

Take to heart what the Bible says:

“Let your ‘Yes’ be yes, and your ‘No,’ no.”
(James 5:12)

4
Absolutely do not negotiate.

• Since verbal manipulators do not use words fairly, negotiation will not work.
  
• Instead of “talking out” the problem, your manipulator will seek to wear you down.
  
• Simply state that you look forward to a renewed relationship when the behavior stops.
  
  • “I am not willing to discuss this topic any longer.”
    
  • “I have stated clearly what I will not accept.”
    
  • “When you are ready to respect my requests, let me know. I look forward to enjoying being together at that time.”
    
• Keep your words brief and to the point.
  

Take to heart what the Bible says:

“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.”
(Proverbs 10:19)

5
Never “react” when your boundary is violated—only respond.

• Expect your boundary to be violated.
  
• Expect your boundary to be violated again and again!
  
• If you react, you will find yourself back under the control of the manipulator.
  
  • Do not
    cry
    when feeling hurt.
    
  • Do not
    beg
    when feeling fearful.
    
  • Do not
    explode
    when feeling frustration.
    
• Respond by detaching yourself from the manipulator and enforcing your repercussions.
  

Take to heart what the Bible says:

“The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.”
(Ecclesiastes 7:8–9)

6
Solicit the support of one or two wise, objective people to help you through this process.

• Include supporters as you analyze and identify the problem.
  
• Include supporters as you determine how to articulate your plan.
  
• Include supporters as you enforce the repercussions.
  
  • Discuss the situation with your supporters.
    
  • Discuss the tactics used on you.
    
  • Discuss the plan of action.
    
• Include supporters—friend, mentor, counselor—to help you through this critical period.
  

Take to heart what the Bible says:

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.”
(Proverbs 19:20)

The time it takes to disassemble and disable a manipulative relationship is actually limited. But during that limited time, expect manipulative maneuvers and emotional ups and downs. Assume your actions will make the manipulator angry. Allow the person to react without your reacting. Do not seek to placate this person—it won’t work. Think of this time period as comparable to having surgery. It is a painful experience, but it provides the only hope for healing if you are to have a new, healthy relationship.

Take to heart what the Bible says:

“Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18)

And so they inquire ...

“May we know what this new teaching is that you are presenting? You are bringing some strange ideas to our ears, and we want to know what they mean.” (Acts 17:19–20)

What are the “strange ideas” Paul is preaching? The truths of the gospel, the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. The Athenians have never heard of a “god” doing such a thing—“dying” and then coming back to life. Paul is brought before the Areopagus, the council that governs religious and educational matters, and begins his message by quoting an inscription. Then he said,
“As I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription:
TO AN UNKNOWN GOD
. Now what you worship as something unknown I am going to proclaim to you.”
(Acts 17:23)

Paul presents God as the all-powerful, self-sufficient Creator, who governs the affairs of the world, gives all life its breath, calls people to repentance, and will one day judge the world through the One He has appointed—Jesus Christ. And Paul convincingly concludes that the true God is not some dreamed-up deity, a lofty image birthed in the recesses of man’s imagination.
“He has given proof of this to all men by raising him from the dead”
(Acts 17:31).

As Paul so powerfully points out, the God of the Bible, the God who created everything is your Lord, your master, ruler, owner. Therefore, you are to ...

• Submit yourself to God’s authority.
  You are accountable to God first and human authorities second.
  

  As God’s Word says,
  “We must obey God rather than men!”
  (Acts 5:29)
  

• Talk about your concerns with spiritual leaders who are not involved in your manipulative situation.
  God desires peace, unity, and reconciliation between Christians.
  

  As God’s Word says,
  “[We are to] be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
  (Ephesians 4:2–3)
  

• Consider how the spiritually manipulative attitude of others is impacting your spiritual life
  , your relationships with family members and friends, and your sense of personal value.
  

  As God’s Word says,
  “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”
  (Proverbs 27:17)
  

• Separate yourself from manipulative situations
  and seek out people who are encouraging.
  

  As God’s Word says,
  “Encourage one another daily ... so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”
  (Hebrews 3:13)
  

At times, the most spiritual sacrifice you can make is to stop being a people-pleaser. This means you must choose not to please another person so that you can please the Lord.

What does God say about letting a person be too important? Is that like putting
other gods before
Him?

God says ...

“You shall have no
other gods before
me.”
(Exodus 20:3)

What will happen if I continue to live in
fear of man
?

“
Fear of man
will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the L
ORD
is kept safe.”
(Proverbs 29:25)

What will happen if I try to
win the approval
of everyone and try to
please
them?

“Am I now trying to
win the approval
of men, or of God? Or am I trying to
please
men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
(Galatians 1:10)

What should I
not do
when I’m around a
hot-tempered
person?

“
Do not
make friends with a
hot-tempered
man, do not associate with one easily angered.”
(Proverbs 22:24)

How does God view the person
who trusts in the Lord
and puts
confidence in Him
?

“Blessed is the man
who trusts in the L
ORD
,
whose
confidence
is
in him
.”
(Jeremiah 17:7)

Why should I
test
my
own actions
instead of
comparing
myself
to somebody else
?

“Each one should
test
his
own actions
. Then he can take pride in himself, without
comparing
himself
to somebody else
.”
(Galatians 6:4)

How does the Bible contrast
a deceitful tongue
with one that
brings healing
?

“The tongue that
brings healing
is a tree of life, but
a deceitful tongue
crushes the spirit.”
(Proverbs 15:4)

What is the difference between giving in to someone out of
love
and giving in
out of fear
?

“There is no
fear in love
. But perfect
love
drives
out fear
, because
fear
has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
(1 John 4:18)

Why should I
guard
my
heart
?

“Above all else,
guard
your
heart
, for it is the wellspring of life.”
(Proverbs 4:23)

How can I have the
power
and
self-discipline
to stand up to a manipulator?

“God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of
power
, of love and of
self-discipline
.”
(2 Timothy 1:7)

NOTES

1. Lori Thorkelson Rentzel,
   Emotional Dependency
   (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity, 1990), 14;
   Merriam Webster Online Dictionary
   , s.v. “Manipulate,” http://www.m-w.com.
   
2. American Heritage Electronic Dictionary
   , 4th edition (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 2000), s.v. “Persuade.” http://www.bartleby.com/61/17/P0211700.html.
   
3. Francis Brown, Samuel Rolles Driver, Charles Augustus Briggs,
   Enhanced Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew and English Lexicon
   , electronic ed. (Oak Harbor, WA: Logos Research Systems, 2000), s.v. “Jacob.”
   
4. Tim Kimmel,
   Powerful Personalities
   (Colorado Springs: Focus on the Family, 1993), 29–42.
   
5. Kimmel,
   Powerful Personalities
   , 64–66.
   
6. Evertt L. Shostrom and Dan Montgomery,
   The Manipulators
   (Nashville: Abingdon, 1990), 12.
   
7. Kimmel,
   Powerful Personalities
   , 29–67. Kimmel divides the different manipulation techniques into three categories: (1) Aggressive, (2) Passive, and (3) Passive/Aggressive.
   
8. Kimmel,
   Powerful Personalities
   , 29–33.
   
9. Kimmel,
   Powerful Personalities
   , 36–39.
   
10. Kimmel,
    Powerful Personalities
    , 36–39; Jan Silvious,
    Please Don’t Say You Need Me: Biblical Answers for Codependency
    (Grand Rapids: Pyranee Books, 1989), 56.
    
11. Kimmel,
    Powerful Personalities
    , 143–144; Barbara Sullivan,
    The Control Grip: a Woman’s Guide to Freedom from the Need to Manage People and Circumstances
    (Minneapolis, MN: Bethany House, 1991), 67–69.
    
12. Kimmel,
    Powerful Personalities
    , 97.
    
13. Kimmel,
    Powerful Personalities
    , 61–62, 64–66.
    
14. Kimmel,
    Powerful Personalities
    , 64–66; Sullivan,
    Control Grip
    , 64–68.
    
15. Kimmel,
    Powerful Personalities
    , 29–67.
    
16. Kimmel,
    Powerful Personalities,
    53–54.
    
17. Kimmel,
    Powerful Personalities
    , 46–48.
    
18. Kimmel,
    Powerful Personalities
    , 50–51.
    
19. Sullivan,
    Control Grip
    , 67–68; See Kimmel,
    Powerful Personalities
    , 61–62; Paul F. Schmidt,
    Coping With Difficult People
    , Christian Care Books, ed. Wayne E. Oates, vol. 6 (Philadelphia: Westminster, 1980), 100–101.
    
20. Edward Camella, “Religious Abuse,”
    The Remuda Review
    , spring 2005, vol. 4, issue 2, p. 17–23.
    
21. James S. Messina, “Eliminating Manipulation,”
    LIVESTRONG.com,
    http://www.livestrong.com/article/14680-eliminating-manipulation/.
    
22. Silvious,
    Please Don’t Say You Need Me
    , 31; Kimmel,
    Powerful Personalities
    , 202.
    
23. Henry Cloud and John Townsend,
    Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life
    (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992), 199–201.
    
24. Lawrence J. Crabb, Jr.,
    Understanding People: Deep Longings for Relationship
    , Ministry Resources Library (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1987), 15–16; Robert S. McGee,
    The Search for Significance
    , rev. and expanded ed. (Nashville: Word, 1998), 27–29.
    
25. Crabb,
    Understanding People
    , 15–16; McGee,
    The Search for Significance
    , 27–30.
    
26. McGee,
    Search for Significance
    , 65–67, 73.
    
27. Jo Coudert, “Nice Ways to Say No,”
    Reader’s Digest
    , January 1993, 135–137.
    
28. Crabb,
    Understanding People
    , 15–16; McGee,
    The Search for Significance
    , 27–30.
    
29. Shostrom and Montgomery,
    The Manipulators
    , 45–46.
    
30. Crabb,
    Understanding People
    , 15–16; McGee,
    The Search for Significance
    , 27–30.
    
31. Sullivan,
    Control Grip
    , 15.
    
32. Cloud and Townsend,
    Boundaries
    , 245.
    
33. Cloud and Townsend,
    Boundaries
    , 239–252.