Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (37 page)

Trap #3: Loose Lips Sink Ships...and Our Credibility

We have already discussed the devastating effect that participation in gossip or breaking confidences can have on our personal credibility. Using discretion about what we say is critical—even when we are telling the truth. During times of battle or war, extreme caution is taken to ensure that the enemy does not learn about plans for an upcoming battle. A battalion of ships arriving in a harbor to surprise the enemy is useless if word has leaked about that plan in advance. Rather than being placed in a position of power and leverage, the attacker can become the attacked.
Trapped!
There are similar situations we face in other aspects of our lives.

Why do people sometimes have “loose lips”? What causes us to spill the beans at times when it is neither necessary nor appropriate? Usually, it is our own desire to be viewed as having power or influence. We can gain attention and sometimes personal power when we are viewed as someone with “the scoop.” When we give into this desire, we ultimately lose credibility as a result, however. We are viewed as being someone who just cannot manage sensitive information, and will eventually become someone whom people avoid sharing anything with. Loose lips can also occur simply as a result of human error—we speak before we think. Regardless of the motive or situation, loose lips are a definite truth trap. Technically, we are speaking the truth. However, if we become involved, we’re trapped!

Trap #4: Don’t Worry...It’s Done!

Your spouse asks if
you remembered to drop off the dirty dry cleaning. Although the clothing is actually out in your car trunk and you plan on going in the morning, you say, “It’s all taken care of.”

Your boss asks if
you have returned the call to your coworker to discuss how you will handle covering work schedules during the holidays. You have actually forgotten, but know you can do it tomorrow and are sure it will work out. So, you say, “I left a message earlier. Don’t worry, it’s done.” Or, a customer asks if you have mailed his account summary as you committed to doing during your conversation three days ago. You say, “Sure did...it’s been done!” And then, you actually produce and put the statement in the mail that day.

Each of these situations will likely go by without you actually getting caught in a trap. If you follow through on the dry cleaners the next day, what difference does it really make? If you contact your coworker after talking with your boss and arrange your holiday schedule coverage, why be concerned? If the customer gets his statement as requested, isn’t that all that really matters? The reality is this: Each of these situations has considerable opportunities to catch us in a self-made trap. The spouse can be searching for something in your car and accidentally discover the dry cleaning in the trunk. Your boss and coworker can connect before you talk with your coworker, and the boss will learn that no message has been left. The customer might be keeping records of dates/times of interactions with you and realize that the statement you had promised three days prior was postmarked after the second conversation with you to remind you about his request.
Trapped!

Yes, we can be caught in a trap. Or, we can sometimes escape from the trap without any evidence of our lack of truthfulness. Even when we escape the trap on a single incident, we are impacted internally. One of two things happens: We feel horrible about it, admit our error to ourselves, and resolve to avoid it in the future. Or, we get by with it, which makes it much easier to fall into the same truth trap again. Eventually, though, we all fall into traps when we avoid the truth. And, whether we are aware of it or not, we lose our self-respect, at a minimum.

Truth Trap Tips

Without believing that we are blatantly lying or being overtly dishonest, we can fall into some truth traps. And, when we do, we stand to lose personal credibility. So, let’s review how to avoid these traps.

#1: Make the
Decision
to Be a Truthful Person

This might seem pretty self-evident. Who would decide
not
to be a truthful person? Or, who would actually admit it if they had? The reality is that many of us fall into these various truth traps because we haven’t given enough advance thought to being truthful. Do you value truth? Do you value those whom you can depend upon to be truthful and honest with you? The decision is each of ours. Avoiding truth traps often begins with first making this decision. The decision to be a truthful person is a deep and personal decision. It is at the core of our personal values and beliefs. However, our beliefs and values are shown to others by our
actions
. Our actions will eventually demonstrate the degree to which we have made the decision to be a truthful person. And, our actions are what will keep us from falling into difficult truth traps. It is from our actions that we gain—or lose—personal credibility.

#2: Don’t Overexplain or Create Excuses—Just Stick with the Facts!

If you need to decline an invitation, you are not obligated to give details about the reasons. A simple “I’m sorry, I can’t make it” is all you need to say. If you receive a gift that duplicates something you already have, simply say, “I love it—and so much that I already have one!” Then, ask how you might return it. Let the conversation flow from there. Your desire to share more information or even make a little of it up isn’t really about avoiding hurting the other person’s feelings. It is more likely that you are more concerned about what this person will think about you. Your honest responses over time increase credibility.

#3: If You Are Clueless...Say So!

If you are hearing information that is new to you but that the speaker believes you know, stop the conversation and let the person know that you have not been informed about it. If you continue to hear information and have made it clear that you have not been previously informed, make sure the appropriate people hear
from you
that you have been given information that might or might not have been designed for your ears. There is no value judgment placed on you for having no previous knowledge—but there can be extreme judgment placed on you if you receive knowledge and then handle the information incorrectly. Your personal credibility regarding appropriate handling of information can either be positively or negatively impacted based on your actions. Long-term personal credibility is more valuable than any short-term desire to be “in the know.”

#4: The Truth Doesn’t Need Stretching—It Just Needs Doing

It’s not a crime to forget something. You are not a bad person if you need more time to accomplish a task than originally planned. You have not failed when you have an occasional dropped ball. However, if you try to pass it off as a task being done or taken care of when that is not factual, you can expect this practice to eventually be discovered. Far better to just say, “Not yet—but I’ll get right on it” than to attempt to appear competent while simultaneously revealing a tendency toward covering up facts or stretching the truth.

Truth traps are a part of our everyday life. Most appear harmless when we first discover them. However, if we are not aware of their existence, we might become trapped. Staying out of traps begins with a decision to be truthful, then proactively developing personal habits and strategies for avoiding those traps in the first place.

Chapter Twelve. Credibility: I’ve Lost It—Can I Rebuild It?

Perhaps one or more chapters
of this book have left you thinking, “I have really blown my personal credibility factor, but what can I do about it now?”

The reality is this: You can rebuild credibility, and if done in a sincere and effective manner, you can even become more credible as a result of blowing it!

Many of us are familiar with customer service situations that were seriously blown by someone, but the way in which the problem was corrected caused us to think even more positively about the experience than we might have if the problem had not occurred in the first place.

Take, for instance, the example of “Elizabeth.” Elizabeth is a trainer and speaker who travels for her clients around the country to provide seminars that are held in conference hotels. Elizabeth always closes her seminars with a personal story about how she has overcome her tendency to think negatively about difficult circumstances. To illustrate her point, she tells a story about planting “corn” (positive things) into her mind versus “poison” (negative things). As a visual reminder, each seminar participant is provided a packet of corn seeds that are distributed by the hotel staff before the session begins on the second day. Recently, during a program at a large New York City hotel, Elizabeth noticed that the staff had not distributed the corn seed packets as expected. She brought it to the attention of the staff and requested that the corn be distributed during the lunch break that afternoon. When she returned from lunch, Elizabeth saw small brown paper sacks at each participant’s seat instead of the corn seed packets. The hotel’s meeting manager approached her immediately and explained that apparently the corn seed packets had been mistakenly thrown out the previous night. When they realized the mistake, a staff member ran to a local market and purchased over 100 paper sacks and packages of microwave popcorn. The staff worked feverishly filling the paper sacks with (pop)corn and then distributed them while the group had lunch. The customer service “mistake” actually turned into an amazing story of problem solving and positive service in this situation. Had the mistake not occurred (throwing away the corn seed packets), the impressive service would not have been so strongly noticed. This same type of opportunity exists for us each time we lose personal credibility—if we respond with positive action to the opportunity!

Rebuilding Is a Process, Not an Event

Two sisters, “Carrie” and “Amy,” grew up in a family that struggled in many ways, especially financially. Their father, “Joe,” had a difficult time staying employed. Joe was a bit of a dreamer, always seeking the next opportunity to make the big time—usually involving some type of get-rich-quick scheme that he tried and that failed. Joe’s wife, “Pam,” was constantly looking for ways to feed her children and stretch the family dollar. Pam would work full-time during the day as a cafeteria worker in the public school system. Then, after making sure that her daughters had some type of evening meal, would leave home again, take the bus to another part of town, and work evenings in a retail department store. Meanwhile, Joe generally didn’t work, hung out with his buddies, and often cost the family even more money as a result of spending Pam’s hard-earned paychecks on the newest scheme or idea that would not work.

Because of so many financial pressures, the marriage experienced a great deal of stress. Joe and Pam fought regularly, and, finally, Joe decided to leave his wife and daughters. He told himself, “I’m not appreciated, and I don’t need all this hassle!” After packing his bags, Joe left home in the middle of the night, leaving a short note that said, “I’m out of here. You won’t miss me anyway.” He did not contact his wife or daughters for over 12 years.

Not surprisingly, Joe’s life didn’t improve much after he left. He would move in and out of shelters for the homeless; then, after securing a job and earning a few paychecks, he overextended himself financially with credit. His life was in ongoing chaos. However, his wife and daughters were able to pull together and pull through. Pam continued working both jobs, was able to receive several promotions in her retail job, eventually was promoted into a buyer position, and, ultimately, became the leader of the organization’s buying operations for the
region. Carrie and Amy finished school with excellent grades, and both received scholarships to state universities. Both were young women well on their way to successful and productive lives. Each had her own view of her father, and each had some scars from the devastation that comes from being abandoned by a parent.

On one of his many stays at a homeless shelter, Joe met an amazing counselor and social worker, “Don.” For some reason, Don saw potential for goodness in Joe and decided to try to help Joe change the course of his life. Through many long, soul-searching conversations with Don, Joe began dealing with the many mistakes he had made in his life, and most troubling of all, his abandonment of his daughters and wife. Don helped Joe see that the only way he would regain self-respect was to take the right action with his former family. Yes, it would be difficult. Yes, they might be uninterested in seeing him or talking with him after all these years. Yes, he might be rejected. Yes, he could see why his family might not trust him again.

But, if nothing else, he could make the choice to pursue his self-respect and personal credibility.

Nothing positive could happen without his action. And, if nothing else, he would be able to assure himself that he had made an effort.

Joe first contacted his wife, Pam. Pam was very clear that she had no interest in any conversation with Joe. She informed him that because he had been basically missing for over 12 years that she had obtained a legal divorce. Pam asked that Joe not contact her again and that he not make contact with their daughters. She said, “You’ve done enough damage to their lives. Don’t do more now!” That was tough for Joe to hear, but he made the decision to pursue contact with his daughters. He assured Pam that he wanted nothing from them in return; he just wanted to make sure they knew that he was totally wrong in what he had done and would forever regret it.

Joe’s daughters responded to him in their own way. The eldest, Carrie, emotionally told Joe that she had no father. Her father had walked out on her family 12 years ago. She didn’t need a father and she didn’t need his apologies. Joe’s response was a quiet, “I know that you have every right to feel this way. What I did was so wrong. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I just want you to know that I have truly learned how wrong I have been all these years.”