Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (30 page)

These are the small, daily actions that significantly impact our credibility over time. Most of us are willing to forgive an occasional slipup—but when the same people do the same sort of thing over a period of time, they lose credibility with us! We are not likely to believe or trust what they say in the future.

Commitments Break Down and Invisible Fences Go Up

Remember “Donna”? She had the impenetrable invisible fence activated in her relationship with her family. She was definitely not someone who demonstrated authenticity and transparency on that front. Donna had quite a reputation for making commitments for contributing to family dinners or gatherings, and then regularly did not come through for the event. She would commit to helping out with specific items for a wedding shower given for a family member, then inevitably show up late without bringing the items she had promised to bring.
She would commit to bringing a menu item for family gatherings—and then cancel at the last minute. Seems like a small thing, but over time, family members just knew she would likely not come through. It’s likely that Donna made as many excuses to herself as she did to her family—and the result was always the same. Donna had little credibility with her family. Instead of apologizing, she would develop outlandish excuses and justifications for her lack of commitment. Unfortunately, Donna’s behavior only continued to build the strength of her invisible fence. What did she need to do to fix this? It really could have begun with just keeping the commitments she made.

Keeping Small Commitments Adds Up to Big Credibility

Let’s revisit “John” and “Alice” from “
Secret #1: Forget Power, Position, Status, and Other Such Nonsense
.” John was not successful at having his great recommendations and ideas approved by the senior management group at his company. As a result of some organizational restructuring, John began reporting to Alice. Alice was quickly able to gain commitment and agreement on most of John’s proposed recommendations that had been previously shot down by senior management.

When you dig into this situation, you learn that John was perceived as someone who didn’t always keep commitments. But it wasn’t necessarily with the big things—instead, it was the small things. John was relatively famous for failing to return voice mail messages or e-mail messages. His daily calendar was frequently filled, which didn’t allow for unplanned interruptions. Because unplanned interruptions were the norm, John was faced with rescheduling meetings—sometimes two or three times before a meeting would occur. Over time, other leaders in the organization would comment cynically when John would schedule, then reschedule, meetings. When John did show up for meetings, he was always a little late and seemed
harried. So—even though he had great ideas and recommendations—he also had a problem with personal credibility.

Then, Alice enters the scene. Alice is someone who is very organized, ensures that all messages are returned, and keeps her calendar filled, but also allows time for the unexpected. Alice has other personal credibility attributes going for her, but the first one that makes the most difference in getting the recommendations and ideas accepted and approved is that Alice keeps commitments—and her fellow leaders have confidence that the recommendations will now be implemented effectively.

Why did John struggle with keeping commitments, but Alice, with similar demands and responsibilities, could handle multiple commitments and competing priorities with such positive results? There are really just a few basic differences, but the difference these made are huge! If you recall, John asked Alice how she had been able to accomplish gaining approval of the same ideas and recommendations that he had previously failed to achieve. After thinking through her actions and how they contrasted to some of John’s, Alice realized that there were some basic principles that she had learned from two of her former bosses. She also realized that she followed these principles regularly. She shared them with John, and he was able to readily see that he needed to focus on his methods of keeping commitments.

Commitment Difference Makers

Review the following list and consider how you might increase your focus on areas that could positively impact your delivery on commitments:

•
Avoid overcommitment—
Be realistic with yourself and others about your ability to do something. An upfront “I just can’t make that commitment at this point” is so much more effective than “I’m so sorry; I just couldn’t get that done.”

•
Schedule daily “communication” time—
Use this time to return phone calls, e-mails, send birthday or thank-you cards, and keep current with communication. It’s best to do this at about the same time daily so that it becomes a habit. Build the time into your calendar—you are building personal credibility when you do it!

•
Keep time open between appointments—
It’s ridiculous to think you can move from issue to issue without time for transition and handling unexpected issues that surface.

•
One place, one record—
Whether you do this electronically or on paper, have one single place where you record messages received, notes from conversations, appointments, to-do lists, project milestones, grocery lists, doctor appointments, children’s soccer games and dance recitals, and everything occurring in your life. If it is in one place, it will be much easier to see the reality of your schedule and be easier to avoid overcommitting. You also will dramatically reduce the chance of forgetting about a commitment.

•
Keep others informed if conditions change—
If something happens and you suspect you might not be able to keep a commitment, let that person know immediately. The worst thing possible is to try to ignore what is happening—instead, step up, acknowledge the changed condition, and keep everyone who will be impacted informed.

Clearly, these principles can help out in the workplace, but they can also be helpful in our personal lives. For example, “Shawna” is a busy mother of four adult children and nine grandchildren. Shawna and her husband “Ward” also have busy careers, serve in their church, and keep active social calendars. It’s sometimes difficult, but they want to make sure they spend time with their children and grandchildren. Shawna is the one who usually makes the social arrangements with friends and schedules time with family members. How does she do it? She uses the same method. Here is how it works:

•
Avoid overcommitment—
Shawna and Ward know that although they want to have time with everyone, it is clear that they must also have time to recuperate and rest! So, they have established limits for their schedule. For example, they never schedule weekends that stay filled with activities from Friday to Sunday. They make sure that each weekend includes downtime for the two of them, and this usually means either Friday night or Sundays, and preferably both!

•
Schedule daily communication time—
This can be challenging, but both Shawna and Ward try to put family first and make certain that they are in adequate contact with children, grandchildren, and their aging parents on a regular basis. So, this typically means that phone calls, e-mails, birthday cards, and so on are handled early in the day before the workday begins. This might mean an earlier wake-up alarm at times, but it is their way to know they can prioritize and ensure that family does, indeed, come first. In addition, their children and parents know that they can expect early versus late contacts from Shawna and Ward, and can also plan accordingly. It works for them!

•
Keep time open between appointments—
As we can see, this is a busy couple with many irons in the fire. One thing that both Shawna and Ward have learned is that the quality
of their lives is clearly linked to their ability to exercise regularly. It works best for them to do this first thing in the morning, just after waking up and drinking a cup of coffee. Because they both run their own businesses, they have flexibility in their schedules. They have learned, however, that they need to build in time between their daily workouts and the rest of the day. They allow 45 minutes for workouts, 45 minutes for daily grooming, and then 30 minutes to catch up with communications. This adds up to a two-hour time frame. However, they both allow 2.5 hours before their first appointment to allow for catching their breath and for unforeseen activities. Shawna also sets appointments with a minimum of 30 minutes between appointments to allow for catching up on e-mails or whatever issues have occurred during the day. Each allows a minimum of a 45-minute drive time for drives that typically take about 20 minutes. This allows both of them the time to stay current on any unforeseen issues and avoid dropping the ball on any unexpected issues that might come their way. It also helps them avoid unwanted stresses that will automatically occur when the schedule is too tight for reality.

•
One place, one record—
Because Shawna keeps up with the social and family schedule, both work and non–work related activities go on her calendar. She uses a daily system of keeping a log of messages received and messages returned. She integrates her business and personal to-do list into a single list and keeps it checked off, transferring any uncompleted items to the next day. She keeps Ward informed on any updates, changes, or schedule additions via e-mail.

•
Keep others informed if conditions change—
And, they do change—these people are normal people, so, of course, conditions change. For example, Shawna’s aging parents are often dependent on Shawna to take them to doctor appointments. Shawna also knows that she might need to rely on her brother or one of her children for this if she has any unexpected business issues that surface that could change her availability. The moment she sees that there might be a schedule conflict, she quickly e-mails her brother and children to see if anyone might be able to fill in for her to transport one of her parents to a doctor. If someone is readily available, she quickly gains their commitment to take care of the transportation. Note that she does not wait until she is certain there is a conflict. She knows it is better to make alternative arrangements and have herself available as a backup if needed than to wait until the last minute. Her other family members appreciate her willingness to take responsibility for coordinating all of this for her parents, and readily jump in and help when they are needed.

Perhaps you are thinking that it would be impractical to put such structure into your personal life. Yet, our personal lives usually include the ones who matter most! So, why shouldn’t we do everything we can to earn the trust and respect of the ones who mean the most to us? When we are able to keep commitments with those who matter most to us, we are most likely to be trusted and valued by them.

Personal credibility is exactly that
—personal
!

Chapter Six. Step #3: Honor Confidences and Avoid Gossip

“Please don’t tell anyone this, but...”
How many conversations have you either started or been a part of that began in this way? Most of us make a quick, easy commitment to keep that confidence. And then, we tell just one person who would never repeat it anyway, right? When information is shared that was given in confidence, the “one person” we share it with might actually keep the information strictly confidential—but what does the fact that you chose to share it say about your ability to keep confidences? Yep, that’s right. Your credibility is not increased from sharing information—it is actually decreased, and sometimes dramatically.

With the Best of Intentions

This is a tough area—we are human and many of us love hearing and learning information that might be a little dicey or could be someone’s secret. Often, we love it so much that we might be unintentionally sacrificing friendships, working relationships, our organization’s business, or just about anything else. We don’t think consciously that we are destroying our own personal credibility when we break confidences or engage in gossip, but, indeed, we are. We have the option of totally controlling this aspect of personal credibility and can reap significant benefits by simply making a strong commitment here. Let’s take a look at a simple example of how this issue can impact our personal credibility.

You have a group of friends who have shared good times and activities together for several years. At a recent dinner gathering of the group, “Sam” and “Jim” were involved in a disagreement that became somewhat heated. Feelings have been damaged a little as a result. Both Sam and Jim individually contact you to seek your advice on how to handle the disagreement. You give both your advice, agree to keep your discussions confidential, and hope that by taking your advice they will work it out and retain their friendship.

Then, another friend, “Chris,” contacts you and shares with you that Sam and Jim have also contacted him confidentially and asked for his advice, and then proceeds to tell you how he has advised them to work this out. His advice is identical to your advice, so you say, “Please don’t share this with anyone, but....” You let him know that both of you have provided the same advice, and you end the conversation when you both express a sincere desire for these two to work it out, heed your mutual advice, and resolve the conflict.

Your interest is in the relationship being repaired with these two friends, so how could you lose credibility? The moment you say, “Please don’t tell anyone, but...” credibility begins to erode. Perhaps none of this will ever get back to the two people to whom you committed confidentiality. But, what message are you sending to Chris about your ability to manage confidences? You might be thinking Chris also has a credibility issue because he shared confidential information with you. This is true, but the only person in this whole situation that you can control is yourself. Your appropriate response should have been, “I care about these two friends of ours as well. I’m just not sure we should be discussing anything about them that we aren’t discussing directly with them.” And, at the very least, you could have—and should have—just kept your commitment of confidentiality about your conversation. If information is shared with you, you could listen, express your hope that these two work it out, and then move on to another topic.