Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (29 page)

•
Chapter 6
Step #3:
Honor Confidences and Avoid Gossip

•
Chapter 7
Step #4:
Know Yourself—the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly!

•
Chapter 8
Step #5:
Choose to Value Others—the Good, and Yes, Even the Bad and the Ugly!

•
Chapter 9
Step #6:
Ask More and Listen Most

•
Chapter 10
Step #7:
Create Credible Interactions

Perhaps you thought
as you have been reading, “Well, Alice clearly had more
influence
than John,” or “Mitch’s
influence
on others was more positive than Chuck’s.” You might also have registered the thought that Pete
lost
influence with others when he was critical behind the backs of the same people whose ego he stroked. And, the reality is that this is true—personal credibility is definitely impacted by an individual’s ability to influence others. Over time, positive influence creates greater credibility, negative influence reduces it. There is really no question about it.

Understanding Influence and Personal Credibility

Effective leaders—and this includes leading within a workplace, leading within our own families, or simply leading a productive individual life—are in a position to have influence on others. As you read in
Secret #2
, “I Can See Right Through You,” credibility is not established as a result of the power or authority of the position someone holds. Credible results are, instead, based upon the individual’s ability to behave in a way that creates positive responses from others. It doesn’t really matter what relationship we are discussing—friends, family, churches, or any business or organization. Leaders who are effective over the long term are able to positively influence followers. Effective leaders, through positive influence, create the
desire
in others to follow, learn, and emulate positive behaviors.

In
Part II
, you review specific behaviors and actions you can take to increase your ability to positively influence others and enhance your own personal credibility as a result. The word influence simply means to
sway the thoughts and opinions
of others. The reality is that we all have influence that we apply daily—it’s just a question of whether we’re realizing positive, neutral, or negative results.

To be clear, not all influence is positive—for example, parents of teenagers can readily understand the concern that occurs when their teens begin spending time with friends who are involved in activities that are not healthy and potentially dangerous. The concern is that the values and behaviors of their sons and daughters will be adversely impacted—negatively influenced—by the bad choices and habits of their peers. Teen peers have a great deal of opportunity to sway the thoughts and opinions of their friends. Teens are swayed by influencers—and that can have a very detrimental impact!

The good news is that healthy, positive influencers also leave a lasting impact.

When you consider the word
influence
, what immediately comes to your mind? Is it always a totally positive term? Do you think of the word
sales
? Unless you have had the opportunity to be educated and trained in professional selling skills, the terms influence and sales might conjure thoughts of being pushed or forced in a direction that isn’t comfortable for you. Or, perhaps you think of a fast-talking, slick sales type who is trying to sell you something you don’t want or need. For now, try to “suspend judgment” on any thoughts you might have that influence is really about smooth talking or slick image. Don’t even think of it as someone who is very gifted at persuading others. Instead, read further and learn more about the regular, daily types of actions that create lasting positive influence and build your personal credibility factor. Explore the following straight-forward but proven methods that create real influence and drive our personal credibility factors forward:

•
Step #1
—Know Your “Stuff”

•
Step #2
—Keep Commitments

•
Step #3
—Honor Confidences and Avoid Gossip

•
Step #4
—Know Yourself—the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly!

•
Step #5
—Choose to Value Others—the Good, and Yes, Even the Bad and the Ugly!

•
Step #6
—Ask More and Listen Most

•
Step #7
—Create Credible Interactions

Chapter Four. Step #1: Know Your “Stuff”

You’ve likely heard or even made this comment
about someone: “_____ really knows her stuff!” What do we really mean when we make that statement? Usually, it means that someone has positively impressed us with their knowledge and, likely, their ability to apply that knowledge. “Knowing your stuff” means becoming knowledgeable, skilled, and making a commitment to doing your best in whatever you do. When you know your stuff, it is so much easier to be authentic because you are confident in what you know and do.

Parents are more credible when they have educated themselves on the value of making thoughtful decisions about raising kids, and then applying a consistent approach to raising those kids. Physicians are more credible when they continue to seek knowledge and information on advancements in medical practices and are able to help patients take advantage of the most current and valid information. A friend is more credible when he/she understands what a friend is in need of, and consciously seeks to provide that for the friend. An employee who makes a decision to increase knowledge or capability of doing the job becomes more credible—and more likely to be considered for future promotional opportunities.

The bottom line is this: Credibility begins with doing whatever we do regularly with a strong commitment to becoming the best “whatever” we can be for that time, place, and situation.

Learning As She Goes

Remember “Sandra”? She was the VP of Human Resources who helped “Hayley” understand the value of suspending judgment. Sandra has a story, too. Earlier in her life, Sandra spent several years learning the ropes in the human resource management profession. She was in a tough spot in the early years—having been divorced at 24-years-old and the mother of two-year-old twins. She struggled financially—trying to do everything humanly possible to support her young family. While performing primarily administrative duties on her job, she was given several opportunities to volunteer on some important higher-level work projects. She believed working on these projects could provide her an opportunity to learn more, possibly expand her role, and become more valuable to the organization. Her problem? She knew very little about the project topics or how to do the work! Her only
option was to read, study, ask questions of those more experienced, and put hard work into those projects to create successes. So, Sandra read manuals and books at night, studied during lunch breaks, and generally consumed information about the topic of the projects she worked on. She worked like a wild woman! Because she saw her only option as working hard and learning the ropes, Sandra was given many opportunities to continue progressing—and continue learning.

What did Sandra really learn through this process? She learned to consider it a requirement of the current job to learn what to do and how to do it. She admits that she had a distant hope that her career would progress, but she didn’t expect it. She did it for the “here and now”—to be of value today—for today’s work. She worked because she was being given an opportunity to work hard and perform. She really didn’t focus on what might come of it other than the chance to earn another paycheck and demonstrate that she was a good employee. People with strong personal credibility tend to believe that they are responsible for becoming more and more knowledgeable. They assume that they do not know it all—and they assume responsibility for increasing their own knowledge. Sandra had no idea when she was a struggling, young, single mom that she was building her personal credibility factor by making sure that she knew her stuff! But, she is very thankful now that she chose to assume responsibility, learn more, and work hard!

How Do I Make Sure That I Know My Stuff?

Most of us can agree that people are more credible when they clearly demonstrate knowledge and a willingness to continually learn. Sandra chose to pursue knowledge and continue to become more valuable to her employer. She also chose to sacrifice her free time in order to accomplish this, even though she had precious little free time to give. No matter where we are in life, we can choose to seek more knowledge and become more effective in whatever we are doing. Consider the following actions for increasing your own abilities to “
know your stuff
.”

Gain an Appetite for Knowledge—Consider It Credibility Survival!

Unfortunately, we are living in a world where it is becoming much easier to just “coast.” We get information fairly easily. Really, how hard is it to do an Internet search whenever we are curious about something? But, this readily available information hasn’t necessarily inspired us to want to learn more—it has often caused us to take information and learning for granted! You know your stuff not just as a result of having information or knowledge, but when you are able to give examples and apply that knowledge in a way that helps accomplish something and helps others. When your appetite for knowledge and learning increases, you adopt a “What can I learn about this?” thought process.

Read!

Read books, magazines, journals, articles—anything that can help you learn and understand more so that you can provide more. Of course, no one has time to read constantly, but if you give an hour per week to reading for learning’s sake, you will be amazed at how quickly you will learn, and how that reading will inspire you to do even more!

Seek Wise Counsel

Regardless of the role or situation, there are people who have more wisdom and experience than we have in that same area. If you aspire to be a mom or dad with strong personal credibility, think of other moms or dads you know who stand out in certain aspects of their roles. Seek their advice, ask for their experiences, and learn from their successes—and their mistakes!

Think of others who have succeeded and have strong personal credibility. Ask for an opportunity to talk with someone who stands out in your mind. Explain that you have made observations of how effective that individual is and how credible he or she is as a result. Ask for examples of how that person has been able to establish their credibility. Ask for the opportunity to be mentored by that individual. Most people are very willing to provide mentoring and coaching, and many are truly honored to be asked!

Know the Enemy (Its Name Is Apathy!)

Individuals who continually learn and grow add more value—and are automatically more credible as a result of that growth. Sure, it is very easy to think, “I have 20 years of experience in this area—I really don’t need to learn any more!” Although it is true that your interests and areas of focus might change dramatically over the years, it is also true that ongoing learning allows you to achieve ongoing credibility. The only challenge is that this requires ongoing
work
—and we do tend to get somewhat complacent, especially when we feel like we have achieved a level of expertise in an area. Understand what apathy looks like for you personally and make a commitment to keep on knowing your stuff—even if your stuff changes over time!

Regardless of your role in life, you are more credible when you accept ownership for gaining knowledge about it and work to keep that knowledge current. If you are in the real estate profession, this
means ensuring you are up to speed on real estate contracts, even if you much prefer interacting with clients and selling! If you are a hair stylist, it means staying current with styles and trends and the most current methods for achieving those. If you are a stay-at-home parent, it means keeping informed on the best ways to manage households and families, and working every day toward becoming even more effective. If you are a parent who works outside the home, you are more credible when you seek and obtain knowledge to create an effective balance between your work life and your personal life. People who are most credible don’t assume that it is anyone’s job but their own to gain that knowledge and keep building on it!

The reality is this: To know your stuff, you have to keep learning new stuff!

Chapter Five. Step #2: Keep Commitments

Let’s go back
to the very frustrating yet common issue of dealing with contractors for household projects. You set up an appointment with a contractor to give you an estimate for installing a new deck on your home. One contractor might keep that appointment, but never provides the estimate. You follow up and leave a message about the estimate, but never receive a return phone call. Another contractor might not even show up for the appointment to give the estimate in the first place! Another one provides the estimate, sets up the work plan, but then doesn’t show up to do the work. What on Earth is this all about? Why don’t people keep these basic types of commitments?

If we think about it, many of us violate this basic principle regularly.

We tell a friend, “Let’s get together for lunch over the next couple of weeks,” but never follow through to set it up. Even worse, we mention a tentative date, and then fail to finalize that date or show up. Or, how about this: We are in a very busy time of our lives. We receive a voice mail message or e-mail from a friend or coworker asking that we call to discuss something. We really mean to do that...but, somehow, we forget. Perhaps you indicate to a coworker that you will complete a project by the end of the day, and don’t quite get it done. Perhaps you approach that person sometime the next day, and quickly say, “Sorry, I know this wasn’t done by the end of yesterday, but here you go.” This seems like no big deal, right? Maybe—but maybe not!