Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (20 page)

Humor

Sometimes humor is the best way to resolve an argument. For example, in an ongoing argument with your partner over how to fold the bath towels, show yourselves how silly you are to be getting upset over something that’s so trivial when you love each other very much. Do something funny (make the towel into a headdress) or suggest an absurd solution: “Well, the only solution will be to ask the vicar to show us how to fold towels.”

Humor can lighten the tensest of situations. It can work in the office, with your children, even with your cleaner. “I know I keep asking you to vacuum the cobwebs, but I don’t want a haunted house theme going on in the living room.”

Do be careful not to use humor in a situation where the other party might think you’re not taking the argument seriously. You’ll have to use judgement in employing humor as a tool. But it can be incredibly effective when used adroitly.

Beating a dead horse

We all have our pet subjects that we feel strongly about and cannot understand why anyone should disagree with us. I know one person who is a passionate supporter of using the organs of anyone who has died in order to save the lives of those who need organ transplants. He simply can’t understand why everyone does not agree with him. He constantly brings the subject up. There’s a time where having discussed an issue several times it may be best just to put it to bed.

Useful examples

“Look, we’ve gone around in circles on this one before, let’s leave it.”

“I think we’re beating a dead horse here. Let’s talk about something else.”

Be aware, too, of your own weaknesses. You may not be able to imagine a more interesting evening than discussing, again, the arguments over capital punishment. But your friends may not share your enthusiasm. Very few people like going over and over the same issue again. They’ll think you a bore, so find something else to talk about.

Is this worth it?

We partly discussed this issue in Golden Rule 2, when we looked at considering whether this is the right time and place for an argument. If you find you keep arguing about the same issue, you may want to think about whether it’s really worth it. If someone keeps saying something you find annoying or insulting, is it worth picking up on it? Now, some people take pleasure in being provocative and egging on a debate. Don’t be tempted, unless you enjoy it!

Asking whether an argument cycle is worth continuing is particularly important in relation to partners and children. You’ll probably find yourself annoyed by lots of things your spouse or child does, but if you start to argue or complain about all of them you’re going to end up stressed out, frustrated and damaging your relationship. Pick your “fights” carefully! Just because it annoys you doesn’t mean it’s worth arguing about. OK, your partner keeps leaving his pants on the floor, even though you ask him not to—is it worth getting into a fight about? What will you gain? And are there habits of yours he puts up with as well? Surely. So try to have some perspective on ongoing arguments and decide whether it’s really worth continuing. Sometimes the advice given to parents in dealing with children (don’t expect more than they can achieve, be patient, remember you’re an adult) works well with spouses too!

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

from The Serenity Prayer, used by Alcoholics Anonymous

Remember, too, that (as anyone in a long-term relationship will testify) however powerful you might think you are, you’re not going to change your partner much. At least, you shouldn’t expect to. Most people get stuck in their ways. You’re not going to transform your scruffy girlfriend into a Hollywood film star, or your unkempt husband into a male model. Love them for who they are, not for who you want them to be.

If your recurring argument is something that causes you emotional distress and health issues, then it’s worth addressing it with professional help. If it’s just a pet peeve, whether it’s with a loved one or a professional, then it’s worth accepting that person for who they are and questioning whether your argument is worth it. Argument is a choice, and at the end of the day you need to choose what’s best for you and for maintaining the relationships close to you.

If all else fails, leave

In spite of everything said in this section, you might find that the arguments keep coming. Life in the office is one long argument. In that case, it may be best to move on. Workplaces should be fun places to be. You keep arguing with your builder—find a new one. Your babysitter refuses to listen—change babysitters. If you cannot resolve your argument, then look for other alternatives for that situation. But before you leave, don’t assume that the problems always lie with the other party. It’s easy to think if there are lots of arguments that the other person is “argumentative” and you’re entirely reasonable. But, as we’ve seen, arguments often mask other issues. Be careful to think through the ramifications of leaving a situation, whether that means losing a friendship or suffering financial consequences.

Look before you leap.

Perhaps I could insert a cautionary note for personal relationships. Of course, if there is violence or psychological abuse, leave. But otherwise, give counseling a chance. If you’ve entered a relationship with someone, more than likely there was a good reason why you wanted to be with that person. You have invested a lot of time and effort in developing the relationship. Your sense of identity is partly tied to it. You have made a commitment to that person, and perhaps have responsibilities toward children. Leaving is certainly an option when things get
difficult, but explore every way of reconciling the relationship first. Studies show that men who assume they will be happier after divorce usually aren’t, and women who divorce usually are!

Think carefully why you keep arguing

If you find you keep arguing it’s easy to assume the other person is to blame:

“Mary is so annoying.”

“People are so rude these days.”

“My spouse is so inconsiderate.”

But it usually takes two to tango. Honestly think through what triggers the arguments. Are you regularly complaining? Is there something that regularly ignites an argument? Are you arguing a lot when you’re tired? Or is work stress making you argumentative? If you can find a consistent trigger for what is making you argue, then you can watch out for it. It can even become a joke: “Oh dear, it’s Monday morning: time for an argument.”

Don’t let arguments get out of hand

In arguments that happen again and again, it’s easy to get frustrated and for the argument to escalate into a full-blooded fight. A common phenomenon is for a minor remark, one that you’ve heard so many times that you’re sick of it, to be seized on as the basis for an argument. Be very aware of how quickly an argument can escalate. Act rapidly to stop it. Be very alert to a change in you or your opponent’s voice indicating that an argument is about to blow. Walk away. Immediately apologize for losing your temper (that doesn’t mean you’re conceding the point of the argument, just recognizing that the manner in which you’re arguing is getting out of hand).

Things to remember

• Don’t bring in arguments from the past. Focus on the issue at hand.

• Don’t say things that are personal attacks and not related to the argument.

• Talk about your feelings.

• Apologize freely where appropriate.

Remember, too, how easy it is in an argument to up the ante.

Five things couples argue about

To close this chapter on how to avoid arguing again and again, I thought it would be interesting to look briefly at the common causes of arguments in relationships. Researchers have produced a list of things that couples argue about. You probably would have been able to guess these anyway. The top five are:

• money

• exes

• household tasks

• amount of time spent together

• annoyances.

If you do find you’re constantly arguing about one of these things, it may be best to take some time to sit down and decide the general parameters of the issue. It’s better to avoid arguing over and over again about the same thing by advance planning. For example, agree on what your weekly budget is going to be so that each of you knows what the other expects them to spend. Make a list of chores and decide on a fair distribution of them. Get your schedules together and book some time together. Discuss contentious issues that continually annoy you, such as how to share the bathroom in the morning. By working through issues, you can stop the cycle of arguing about the same thing over and over again.

Getting it right

Michael:      “How many times do I have to ask you to do the dishes?”

Tom:          “I’m really sorry, I’ve been busy.”

Michael:      “Maybe today, but also yesterday and the day before. Every time you come up with a new excuse.”

Tom:          “Well, Michael, I have to admit that’s a fair point. I think we need to sit down and decide how we’re going to divide up the household jobs.”

Michael:      “I think that’s a good idea. Are you free tonight?”

Tom:          “OK.”

Needless to say, the same approach works in your relationships with your children, your in-laws, your friendships and colleagues at work.

Summary

You don’t have to keep having the same argument. Get it resolved. It may be that you need to decide to ignore certain topics, or agree to disagree. It may be that you need a heart-to-heart conversation to get the issue resolved once and for all. Whatever you do, don’t get stuck in the cycle of repeating the same arguments.

In practice

Ask yourself why you keep arguing. Are there triggers to avoid? Does the problem lie with you or the other person, or both? Be brutally honest when answering that question.

Chapter 18. Doormats

Are you a doormat? Do you find that you never stand up for yourself? You find yourself agreeing to things you don’t want to do all the time? You do so much to avoid an argument that everyone seems to treat you as a servant? Then this is the section for you. It’s time to act.

Getting it wrong

Zhu:        “Poppy, would you mind staying a bit late tonight and finishing off the project?”

Poppy:     “I was going to go out on a date with my husband, but if it’s really important I’m sure we can find another evening.”

Zhu:        “Thanks, Poppy. And I wonder if, while you’re here, you wouldn’t mind checking the Internet to find a cheap flight to the New York for me next week?”

Poppy:     “Oh, I suppose so.”

Zhu:        “Thanks. And you realize that the company has put a ban on overtime payments for this month?”

Poppy:     “Oh.”

Zhu:        “Thanks, Poppy; you’re a saint.”

I realize many people reading this book won’t have an issue with being a doormat! But believe it or not, some people do. If you are one of the readers that feel you’re a doormat, you need to do something! A major problem for you will be a lack of confidence in arguing and standing up for yourself. Reading this book is a good start.

“Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.”

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Are you really a doormat?

If you feel you’re a doormat, think carefully if that’s a fair assessment. A lot of people in work positions feel that they are doing more than anyone else, but when the figures are looked at, they are not. Many people underestimate how much work their co-workers do. But ask as honestly as you can:

• Are you putting in more hours than others?

• Are you being acknowledged for your work?

• Do others seem to get the credit for your work?

• Do you end up doing the jobs no one else wants to do?

Don’t assume you’re always being taken advantage of. Try to make a fair assessment. Each of the questions I just asked also applies to domestic relationships, where one partner feels they’re doing more than the other in a particular area. Often we don’t realize how much the other person is doing. A good way of judging equality of work in a personal relationship is whether you both have the same amount of “free” time.

Doormats are lovely people

If you are a doormat then you’re probably a very nice person. It nearly always indicates that you’re a kind, sensitive individual who likes to help other people. There’s a lot that’s really good about being a doormat. So don’t get completely down on yourself if you are one. Where problems arise, however, is when, in your enthusiasm to be helpful to others, you’re not looking after yourself or those you love. In the opening scenario, Poppy was keen to help Zhu, but was she overlooking her husband? Or, indeed, depriving herself of a fun evening?