Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (19 page)

Alfred:     “No way. Mine’s fine the way it is.”

Mary:       “If we adopted your proposal, the company would suffer terrible losses. You’ve got your figures wrong. Maybe you’re not good enough to do your job properly.”

If you realize that what you have been arguing is wrong, you must be honest about it. Continuing to argue, as Alfred did, when it’s clear that you’re in the wrong is embarrassing. It creates a bad impression with other people. It means that any negative consequences flowing from the bad argument are likely to be exacerbated, and you will likely be held to blame.

Here are some top tips when you realize that things have gone wrong:

Stop the argument

This is essential. If you realize you have lost the argument, simply carrying on is only going to make you look stupid. You will lose respect with others and there’s little to be gained. However, be sure whether you have actually lost. What might have happened is that you have lost a particular issue in the argument. This doesn’t mean that you have lost the whole argument. As in a game of tennis, conceding some points gracefully does not lose the match. You’ll just have to fight harder for the other points.

Accept you have lost

Having realized that you have lost the argument, the key issue is whether you should admit that you have lost, or simply change the subject. This depends on a number of issues:

• Does the issue need to be resolved? If a decision needs to be made there may be no alternative but to agree to the other person’s proposal. You can do this in a way that saves face. Don’t admit that you’re wrong, just allow that the other person’s proposal has merit.

• Is it an issue the other person feels strongly about, or was it a friendly discussion? If it’s only a friendly discussion then you can throw in the towel good-naturedly. If the other person feels strongly, it’s best to focus on their proposal and not discuss yours any further.

• Will you gain respect by admitting you’re wrong? As odd as this might sound, sometimes people respect a person who candidly admits they got it wrong more than a person who tries to fudge a mistake. Honesty can never be underrated.

Useful phrase

“OK. You’ve demolished my first argument. I won’t rely on that any more. But remember, I had three arguments in favor of my view and I think the other two still stand.”

Ways to end the argument

Remember Golden Rule 10. If you have lost, lose well. Of course, you can admit defeat gracefully and get on with your day.

Useful examples

“What you’ve said has really helped. I think you’re right.”

“I now understand the situation differently. Let’s do it your way.”

“I think I got it wrong. It makes sense the way you explain it.”

“Your proposal is brilliant. Let’s go with it.”

But you may decide that you need to end the argument without admitting defeat. The simplest way to do so is to change the subject.

Useful examples

“Well, this is a fascinating issue but I am afraid I have to get going.”

“We could discuss this until the grass grows under our feet. But I wanted to ask you about ...”

“We must talk about this another time, but now I must head off to ...”

These are likely to be effective in ending the conversation. If the other person is insistent on you giving them some concession before you go, there are plenty of non-committal remarks you can use:

Useful examples

“Well, you’ve given me a lot to think about.”

“I’ll need to go away and think about all of this.”

Apologizing

Sometimes after an argument you will need to apologize. Not always: losing an argument gracefully and with dignity can be a finished affair. But maybe you have done something that merits an apology. You might realize later that you behaved badly. You might have said things during the argument that you now regret.

Apologizing is extremely important.

Can you remember when a person apologized to you? How apologies apply in particular cases will vary, but thinking through how you felt when someone apologized to you can be a helpful exercise in learning to apologize yourself.

Certainly it would be counter-productive to make an excessive apology for a minor wrong. In minor cases simply saying “I’m sorry about that” will be enough. In giving the following examples I’m assuming that something more serious has happened and a fuller apology is appropriate. Here are some key points:

• If you have time, think carefully about how to phrase the apology.

• Think about where you are properly to blame.

• An apology should recognize the hurt caused to the other person. You need to convey the fact that you have heard and understood the pain caused. If you’re not sure how much that is, then ask the person.

• Accept responsibility. A proper apology will acknowledge that you are responsible for that pain. That’s why the feeble apology that some politicians offer is properly acknowledged as a “non-apology’:

“Please accept my apologies if you were offended by what I said.”

“I am saddened to learn that some were upset by my comments.”

These are not proper apologies because there’s no acceptance of the responsibility for causing the pain. Indeed, they could be read as suggesting that the other person is at fault for being offended!

• Where appropriate, offer an explanation. Perhaps you were particularly stressed or tired. Make it clear that doesn’t mean you’re not responsible for hurting them, but that you would not normally act in that way. It may be that you said something that was misinterpreted because you had not expressed yourself clearly. Explain what you meant to say and apologize for putting it in such unclear terms.

• Try to empathize with the person you are apologizing to.

Useful examples

“I know I would have been really upset if someone had said to me what I said to you. I’m really sorry.”

“I’m sure you must think I’m a really horrible person. I didn’t express myself clearly because I was tired. I’m really sorry for saying that ...”

You may feel the other party has overreacted to the situation, but it’s still worth acknowledging the hurt they feel.

• If appropriate, think of a way to show your apology in a practical way. Perhaps buying someone a present, arranging for a repair, taking them out to lunch, or just being kind toward them can make up for what you have done.

Remember in applying these tips what your goal is in apologizing. It is to communicate your acceptance of responsibility for the hurt you have caused and to acknowlede that you should not have behaved in that way. Ideally you want this to lead to the other person forgiving you and not holding a grudge against you. It’s not simply saying sorry that matters, it’s what happens as a result. Remember that you will naturally be reluctant to apologize. People hate doing it. Pride stands in the way. But it’s an enormously effective tool in righting a relationship, whether
it’s business or personal. How many relationships have festered for want of a few words of apology?

Getting it right

Mary:      “So, I am afraid that Alfred’s argument is based on figures that seem dubious and he has overlooked the alternative possibility that I have advocated.”

Alfred:     “Mary, you’re right. I’m very grateful for you pointing out the doubts over my figures. I was given them by the accounting department and assumed they were correct. However, I’ve learned today how important it is to double check the figures.”

Mary:      “Well, thank you Alfred.”

Alfred:     “So, I can support Mary’s proposal—although I wonder if there is one idea from my proposal that might be salvaged and added?”

Mary:      “That sounds interesting; do explain.”

Summary

If you realize you are wrong, think carefully whether your whole argument is mistaken or whether only a part of it is. If your whole argument has failed then stop the argument. If necessary, apologize and move on. Remember Golden Rule 10: relationships are crucial. End the argument in a way that enables the relationship to move forward in a positive way.

In practice

Remember those occasions when someone was clearly wrong and yet kept arguing. What did you think of them? Learn to apologize well. Discover what makes an apology effective. See Golden Rule 10 for advice on this.

Chapter 17. Arguing again and again

Do you find that you keep arguing? Perhaps it’s with a particular person and every time you meet them things disintegrate into an argument. Maybe it’s with a colleague who seems to oppose everything you say all the time. Or there’s a particular issue in your life and whenever it comes up you find yourself losing your cool. Perhaps you’ve found that with your partner there is non-stop arguing and life seems a constant shouting match. Or you might be one of those parents who find that they spend more time shouting at their children than actually talking to them. What can be done?

Getting it wrong

Michael:    “How many times do I have to ask you to do the dishes?”

Tom:         “I’ve been so busy.”

Michael:    “Maybe today, but also yesterday and the day before. Every time I say something about it you come up with a new excuse.”

Tom:         “Look, I’m sorry.”

Michael:    “It’s all well and good you saying sorry! Do something about it.”

Tom:         “OK.”

The sad thing about this argument is that one gets the impression they will be having the same argument in a few days” time.

If you find yourself in a cycle of constant arguing then here are some tips.

Avoidance

If you know there are particular issues, people or situations that always annoy you, walk away! I realize you can’t walk away from some situations, but most people have issues they get worked up about that are best just avoided. Being passionate and getting into an argument over an important issue can be a good thing, but not if you find yourself arguing about it all the time. Your personal health and relationships are not worth the stress of continual argument.

Only argue if you can change something or influence someone.

Resolution

Avoidance is all well and good, but what do you do if you have a colleague, friend or partner with whom you have argued an issue through and there’s still no solution. A common cause for repeated argument is that the main issue at hand is never resolved. This might seem obvious, but so often in arguments the central divisive point gets overshadowed in all the mud-slinging and verbal sparring. There’s an issue of dispute, the parties disagree violently, but the matter is never put to rest. If that happens, neither party feels that the other has understood their point of view and they continue to hold a grievance against the other. Whenever they meet this unresolved issue simmers under the surface and pollutes the relationship.

For example, if you feel that a person has lied to you and you have both argued about that, then whenever you meet there will be lurking in your mind a lack of trust toward the other. In such a case it might feel like you’re having a different argument with the person each time, whereas in fact it’s the unresolved argument that caused the mistrust that is underlying them all.

So in repeated arguments, resolution is key. First recognize the initial issue, then work through it together in a reasoned discussion where you listen closely and find common ground. The points given in Golden Rule 9 about resolving deadlock will come in handy.

Agree to disagree

Agreeing to disagree can be a disguise for simply avoiding resolving the issue, so be careful. But it can be a useful tool for ending a repetitive argument. It works best if you can be clear on why you disagree:

Useful examples

“The reason why we disagree on whether unemployment benefits should be raised is because you think unemployed people are disadvantaged people who need help, while I think they are lazy scroungers.”

“At the heart of our disagreement is that I think we can make our car work for another year with a few repairs, while you think the car will give out completely very soon.”

If you are able to isolate the source of the disagreement and agree on it, you’re better able to move on. You can then choose to agree to disagree, or to find a solution to your disagreement. Agreeing to disagree, as long as both parties can live with it, puts an argument to rest. The argument has been aired long enough; both parties have listened to the other; both are still strong in their opinion but agree to disagree. The relationship is saved and can move forward.