Make Me Soar (26 page)

He rose to his feet quickly and went to kneel by Alan’s chair. He bowed his head. “What is my punishment to be, Sir?” Alan’s low noise of approval told him he’d done the right thing. His stomach was still rolling, however, as he awaited Alan’s decision. Several long seconds passed, and Dorian kept his gaze lowered.

Finally Alan broke the silence. “Look at me.” Dorian raised his head and met Alan’s gaze. That sad expression was still in place. “This will be your punishment. I will not touch you for the rest of today.” He gestured with a flick of his head toward the couch. “And now you can go back to your proofreading, please.”

Dorian’s chest tightened and then eased. It didn’t sound too severe a punishment. He gave a short nod. “Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir.” He got up from his knees and sat down on the couch. The quiet atmosphere no longer felt comfortable. Dorian opened the laptop and found his place in the manuscript. He read the passage once again, only this time his dick remained flaccid in its prison, his arousal burned away to nothing. Alan was focused on his own laptop, brow creased into a frown.

The afternoon passed in silence, but for Alan asking him if he wanted a coffee at intervals. The change in atmosphere made it more difficult for Dorian to keep his mind on his task. Now and then he recalled Alan’s expression, the way he’d spoken, and the memory set his stomach churning once again. Not that Alan had said anything else. He was his usual self, but Dorian noted his hunched posture, his eyes seemingly focused on a point in the distance, his fingers occasionally pressed to his temples.

I really did disappoint him
.

It wasn’t as if Alan had a lot of rules, not like some Doms he’d had contracts with. But it was obviously important to him.

At six o’clock, they both stopped work and went into the kitchen to prepare dinner. There was still conversation between them, as they discussed favorite foods and eating places in Manchester. The whole time Dorian was aware of the heaviness that pervaded his body and his heart. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but something felt so
wrong
. It wasn’t just Alan’s disappointment or Dorian’s own feeling of having failed him. It was
more
than that.

Then it hit him. He missed Alan’s touch.

The realization brought him to a standstill. He reflected for a moment on how often Alan touched him. He recalled the intimate gestures, the kisses, the stroking across his back or down his arm. It had become a constant in his life in Alan’s house.

And now that it wasn’t there, Dorian felt its loss more keenly than he would have believed possible.

“Are you all right?”

Alan’s question cut through his reflections. Dorian flashed him a quick smile. “I’m fine.”

Alan raised his eyebrows and then gave him a hesitant nod. He clearly wasn’t buying it, but he said nothing and carried on slicing up the chicken into thin strips for the stir-fry. Dorian went back to his task of cutting up vegetables, pushing his thoughts aside for the moment. Loss of concentration and knives were not a good mix.

Dinner was followed by watching TV, and Dorian’s life slipped back into its usual routine. But as the evening wore on, Dorian’s mind went back to his earlier revelation. There was something here that he needed to think about, and the drone of the TV in the background wasn’t conducive to careful reflection. He glanced across to where Alan was curled up in his armchair, not in his usual place next to Dorian on the couch. Alan appeared to be engrossed in whatever he was watching, but he seemed restless.

“Sir, would you mind if I went to my room for a while?”

Alan blinked. “That’s fine.” He tilted his head to one side. “Are you feeling all right?”

Dorian decided to be truthful. “I just need some quiet time to myself to think about this afternoon.”

Alan straightened in his chair. “That sounds like a very good idea.” For the first time in several hours, he gave Dorian a genuinely warm smile. “I won’t disturb you.”

“Thank you, Sir.” Dorian rose to his feet and exited the room. He went into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of milk before mounting the stairs. Once in his room, he closed the door behind him, piled pillows up against the headboard, and then sat on the bed, propped up against them, his glass beside him on the cabinet.

Dorian closed his eyes and focused on how Alan’s touches and caresses made him feel. What amazed him was that he’d gone so quickly from being a person who shied away from physical intimacy to one who craved Alan’s touch. More than that—it amazed him how he’d never realized what had been missing from his life.

He
needed
Alan’s touch. But up until that moment, he hadn’t
known
he’d needed it.

The line from the old Joni Mitchell song rang in his head, about not knowing what you’ve got ’til it’s gone.

So many thoughts tumbled and collided inside his head: recollections of things he’d studied that finally made sense to him when seen in the light of his own experience; memories of a childhood that had shaped him as a young man. But as he sat there, trying to bring some semblance of order to his internal chaos, something clicked into place, and Dorian was left shaken and raw by the enormity of it.

The sound of the shower running brought him sharply into the present. He glanced at his watch, startled to see the time. He’d been in his room for over two hours, his milk untouched. His mind was still reeling. Dorian undressed rapidly and put on his robe before leaving his room and walking into Alan’s bedroom. The bedside lamps were already switched on, casting a warm glow around the room. Dorian sat on the bed, feeling light-headed and dazed. The click of the shower switching off had him snapping to attention. Quickly Dorian got to his feet and stood, hands behind his back, robe open, ready to have the cage removed.

Alan entered the room, towel wrapped around his hips, and smiled when he saw Dorian. He came to stand in front of him and unsnapped the cage, removed it carefully and placed it beside the bed. He fondled Dorian’s soft dick, sending a shiver through him.

“Poor thing. He’s suffered today, hasn’t he?” Alan let out a wry chuckle and released him. His gaze grew serious. “The punishment is over.” He walked around to his side of the bed and, after removing his towel, climbed in.

All the tension seeped away, and Dorian was overwhelmed by a sudden lightness that spread through him. After everything his brain had spent the last few hours processing, it was too much. Hot tears pricked his eyes, and he wiped them away swiftly with his fingertips, dismayed at his own weakness. He removed his robe and climbed onto the bed, feeling exhausted.

“Hey.” The mattress dipped. Alan was on the bed at his side, his voice soft. Strong arms reached around him to turn him and draw him to Alan’s chest. Dorian closed his eyes and leaned in, inhaling the scent of clean hair, clean skin, and Alan’s own distinctive aroma, spicy and warm. Alan held him close, and Dorian let him, his tensed muscles relaxing.

At last Alan released him. He pulled back the duvet, and they got under it. Dorian lay on his side facing him. Alan studied him in silence for a moment.

Dorian let out a long, drawn out sigh. “I beg your pardon, Sir, for swearing. It won’t happen again.”

Alan’s eyes were kind. “Now
that
sounds like my Dorian. I believe you.” He trailed his fingers over Dorian’s cheek. “Want to tell me what’s on your mind?”

Dorian gave a shaky laugh. “I’m not sure where to begin.” Those few hours spent in reflection had ended up being a voyage of self-discovery. Alan’s gentle fingers on his face were like balm to his soul. He covered Alan’s hand with his, holding it still. “I missed this so much today.”

Alan said nothing, his eyes focused on Dorian.

He drew in a deep breath and let go of Alan’s hand. “It was the realization of just
how much
I missed it that started me thinking about the difference between what I wanted and what I needed. For the longest time, I wanted to achieve subspace.”

Alan nodded.

“But it took being here with you to show me what I needed.”

“Go on.” Alan was regarding him intently.

“When I was studying Psychology, we looked at Maslow’s hierarchy of basic human needs. It’s a pyramid, and at the base are our physiological needs—stuff like breathing, food, water, sex, sleep. Then there are all the things that make us feel safe—resources, employment, property… family.”

“I remember the theory.”

“The next layer of the pyramid is Love, but it’s more like affection, a sense of belonging, friends, family again… and intimacy. Above that is Esteem, respect for others, the respect
of
others, achievement, confidence.” He swallowed hard. “And that got me thinking.” He laid his hand over Alan’s. “This…
intimacy
is a pretty basic need. We all need to feel love, to be held, touched. It’s something fundamental in all relationships between humans. And yet….” His voice shook, and he swallowed once more. “I have the first two layers of Maslow’s hierarchy pretty much in the bag. It’s when we get to Love and Esteem that I’m suddenly on shaky ground.”

“Why is that?” Alan edged closer, until Dorian could feel the heat from his body.

He let out a bitter laugh. “Because basically my parents fucked me up. All my life I’ve pushed people away because of my own insecurities. My parents weren’t able to express their love in ways that didn’t involve throwing money and things at me. Remember when I said they weren’t very good at showing affection? Well, tonight for the first time I finally understood that they set the pattern for me to follow, and I followed it to the letter.” He sighed. “Pain, I understood. Pain was cold, pain was hard, and there was no need for intimacy, a thing I didn’t understand because I’d never truly been exposed to it.” Sorrow welled up in him at the thought of how much he’d missed in his life, and he forced back the sob that threatened to break free. “How could I get this far and not
know
what I really needed?”

“Dorian, what do you need right now?”

“For you to hold me.” The words burst out of him. “Please, Alan. Just hold me.”

A
LAN
DIDN
’
T
hesitate. He pulled Dorian to him and held him tight, his head resting against Alan’s chest. “I have you.” He pressed his nose against Dorian’s hair and inhaled deeply, breathing him in.

“God, you have no idea how good this feels,” Dorian murmured against his chest, his breath warm. He raised his chin and met Alan’s gaze. “I haven’t told you before, and I should have. I love it when you hold me, the touch of your hands on my skin, your gentleness. You make me feel like I’m….”

“What?” Alan demanded quietly.

Dorian lowered his gaze, a blush staining his cheeks. “You kept telling me I was beautiful, and I didn’t know how to react. I felt uncomfortable, a fraud.”

“Why a fraud?”

“Because I didn’t see myself as you saw me.” He propped himself up on one elbow and brought his fingers to his temple. “I
know
what’s in here. I see the
real
Dorian that you can’t see, the one who has few friends, who’s a selfish brat….” He lowered himself back to the mattress and laid his head on Alan’s chest.

“Is that how you feel now about yourself?” Alan ached for him.

“No, Sir.” Dorian stroked Alan’s chest, the motion slow and firm. “When I’m with you, like this, I feel… beautiful.”

Alan’s heart soared. “You
are
beautiful, Dorian, inside
and
out.”

Dorian’s head tilted up toward his, those lovely brown eyes wide open, and Alan couldn’t resist the unspoken demand of those lips. He kissed him, slowly at first, but when Dorian’s tongue breached his lips to explore him further, he groaned into that sensual mouth and deepened the kiss. Dorian surprised him by shifting to lie on top of him, breaking his kiss to move lower down his neck, while Alan could feel Dorian’s cock against his, hot and growing stiffer by the minute. Alan grabbed onto Dorian’s arse and ground their shafts together. Dorian moaned and licked a line down to his chest, hands stroking him, teasing his nipples.

God, he feels so good
. Alan’s heart beat faster, and his body tingled.
Damn it, when was the last time it felt this good
?

Dorian laid a trail of kisses up to Alan’s mouth. He rocked his hips, rubbing his erect dick against Alan’s. “Let me….” The whispered entreaty was full of need and desire.

Aroused or not, Alan wasn’t about to let the lad come. He opened his mouth to speak, but then Dorian raised his chin to look him in the eye, lips shiny with saliva. “My mouth on your cock… please, let me, Sir.”

It was a request Alan couldn’t deny. “God, yes.”

Dorian’s face glowed. “Thank you.” He kissed down Alan’s belly, burrowing under the duvet until his head hovered over Alan’s groin, just about visible. Alan pushed back the bedding to watch as Dorian slowly took his already rigid dick into his mouth, moving down over it until his lips were almost at the root.

Alan’s groan rebounded off the ceiling. “Oh, my God, that feels amazing.”

Dorian’s only response was to move faster, head bobbing on his cock while he played with Alan’s balls, rolling them through his fingers and squeezing lightly. When he pulled free of Alan’s now glistening shaft and took his balls into that hot, wet heaven, Alan reached for his dick and pumped it.

“Dorian, you’re going to make me come.” It had been far too long since he’d been on the receiving end of a blow job, especially one this…
enthusiastic
.

Dorian pulled off with a pop. “Good,” he said with a wide grin. “I want your load down my throat.”

His words lit a fire in Alan’s balls, and he gasped when Dorian sucked him deep, tongue playing over the head of his cock, pressing into the slit. It felt so good that he almost missed the hesitant spit-wet finger that pressed against his hole.

“
Fuck
.” The expletive was torn from him as Dorian slowly sank his finger inside him.