Mad About You (4 page)

I put my arms around him protectively. ‘I’d never send you away. You’re my lucky charm.’

‘Mollycoddling boys is bad for them, Emma, mark my words. You don’t want him to turn into a mummy’s boy. He’ll be bullied at school.’

I hugged Yuri closer. If I could, I’d never let him out of my sight. I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the twins, followed
by the hopping frog, who was beginning to look a bit sweaty in her polyester frog suit.

‘Uhm, Aunt Emma, we’re trying to play with Lara, but she doesn’t seem to be able to speak. Is “ribbit” the only word she knows?’

I shrugged. ‘What can I say? She’s a Method actor.’

After insulting my house and my children, Imogen left to take her own children horse-riding. Naturally.

I shut the door and breathed a sigh of relief. James’s sister-in-law would have to be discouraged from calling again. She brought out a very violent streak in me. Why couldn’t Henry have married a sweet English rose? How on earth had Imogen managed to get James’s brother, a lovely guy, to marry her? It remained a complete mystery to me. James reckoned she must be incredible in bed. I doubted it, unless she was very bendy from all the horse-riding. Maybe they did role plays: Imogen was the jockey and Henry was the stallion and they used props, like riding boots and hats and whips … The thought made me giggle and feel nauseous in equal measure.

‘Mummy.’ The frog finally spoke. ‘I’m hungry.’

‘Lara, why didn’t you speak when your cousins were here?’

Lara pulled her frog mask off. ‘Because frogs don’t talk.’

‘I know, pet, but now Imogen thinks you can’t speak.’

‘Actually, Mummy, I don’t like her, she’s very shouty.’

‘Me too,’ Yuri agreed, nodding emphatically. ‘And I don’t want to go to Thomas’s school. Promise you won’t make me go there, pinkie promise.’

I hugged them both. ‘I will never, ever, ever send you to the same school as Thomas, and we’re not going to see Imogen or your cousins often because we’re going to avoid her like the plague.’

‘What does “avoid like a pague” mean?’ Yuri asked.

‘It means that we’re going to be too busy to answer the phone or call over to her.’ I was rewarded with two grateful smiles. ‘Now, come on, let’s get dressed and go exploring.’

Several days later, when I had cleaned the house from top to bottom, hung the paintings and bought a big rug for the living room, I decided it was time to make an effort with the neighbours. I really needed to make some friends before the children started at nursery school so I wouldn’t go mad with loneliness.

I called into the house on our left, but there was no answer, so we went to the house on our right, number seven. I rang the doorbell. A supermodel opened the door. She was tall, slim, tanned, with cascading dark hair and green eyes. She was wearing teeny-tiny denim shorts and a bikini top.

‘Yez, can I ’elp you?’ she asked, in the sexiest French accent this side of Brigitte Bardot.

‘Hi, I’m Emma. I’ve just moved in next door. Do you live here?’

‘Yez. I am the au pair of theez family.’

‘Oh, right, OK.’ Thank God for that. I didn’t fancy befriending a mother whose thighs were the same width as my middle finger. ‘Is the mum around?’

‘No, she eez shopping. She like to shop very much. I think she will be back at about five o’clock, but I am not definite about theez.’

‘No problem. Will you just tell her I popped over to say hi?’

‘OK.’ The supermodel closed the door.

‘Mummy, she looked like a princess!’ Even Lara was impressed.

‘I know. But she’s not the mummy, she’s the minder.’ I didn’t want Lara thinking that any mother looked like that.

‘I want a minder like her,’ Lara said.

‘Come on, let’s go home and have some ice-cream.’ I wanted to distract Lara from the stunning au pair. I wanted to distract myself from her, too – she had reminded me of someone I’d rather forget.

I’d always felt really secure in my marriage. James was solid, steady and devoted to me. He was very English – reserved and measured – and had always loved my Irish lack of restraint and impulsiveness. I felt safe with James. But then one day, about five months ago, I’d called on him at work at the Ireland training ground. I wanted to show him a painting I’d bought. When I arrived I saw him talking to a young woman. She was wearing tight leggings and an Ireland sweatshirt – not very flattering, but you could tell she had a killer body underneath. Even from a distance, I could tell he was trying to impress her. I could see how animated he was. He was telling some story and she was laughing hard. I knew it couldn’t have been that funny, because James is no comedian. She had her hand on his arm and she was leaning into him and he was leaning towards her, too. You could tell from a mile away that they liked each other. There was an intimacy about them that stopped me in my tracks.

Lucy did point out that it wasn’t as if I’d found him having hot sex with someone in the storage cupboard, but I still felt sick. I could see he was flirting with her. You know when your husband fancies someone … because he acts the way he did when he used to fancy you.

When I came up behind them, James jumped and then went a bit red in the face. He hadn’t been expecting me and was suddenly flustered. He introduced me to this Mandy person. She was at least ten years younger than me and a
whole lot more pert. Her boobs still stood up and her face was almost devoid of lines.

I put out my hand and shook hers very firmly – if I’m being honest, I crushed it a bit. Well, a woman has to stand her ground. I wanted Mandy to be under no illusions as to who she was up against. ‘And what do you do, Mandy?’ I asked.

‘I’m a physio,’ she said, shaking her bouncy ponytail.

‘Really? And how long have you been working with James?’

‘About two months,’ she said. ‘He’s been so great to me, showing me the ropes and making sure I feel included in the squad. And he’s so funny – you must laugh all the time at home. You’re so lucky.’

Two months! Two months this flirtation had been going on and James had never mentioned any new physio coming into the squad. And who the hell was Mandy to tell me how lucky I was? And James wasn’t that funny. He could be amusing sometimes but not hysterically so, like she was making out. I was furious and, actually, I felt threatened and suddenly very insecure.

‘Well, I’d better go. I’ll see you later at training, James. Nice to meet you, Emily.’

‘It’s Emma,’ I said.

‘Oops, sorry.’ Mandy bounced off, leaving me seething with a shifty-looking James.

I turned to my hilarious husband. ‘So how come you never mentioned Mandy before?’

He shrugged. ‘What’s to say? She’s one of the new physios, that’s all.’

I glared at him. ‘I think there’s a lot to say, actually. She seems to find you very amusing. Apparently you went out of your way to make sure she felt at home. You seem to have taken a very keen interest in her.’

James dug his hands into his tracksuit pockets. ‘I always try to make new people feel comfortable.’

‘Oh, she seems very comfortable to me. You’re doing a great job there. She looks very at home.’

‘She’s a good physio and fun to be around. All the guys love her.’

I bet they do, I thought grimly. ‘Is that right? Well, bully for her.’ I tried to keep my voice neutral. I didn’t want James to see how rattled I was. I wanted to be calm … but, unfortunately, that is not in my nature.

‘Do you fancy her?’ I blurted out.

‘No.’ He was avoiding my eyes.

‘Oh, my God, you do. I can see it in your face.’ I was shocked. I’d never been remotely worried that James would meet someone in work, because 99 per cent of the people he worked with were men. Besides, I just hadn’t imagined he fancied other women any more. I’m not saying he didn’t think some women were good-looking or sexy … but actively fancy them? No. I’d never seen him like this with any of our female friends or his colleagues’ wives or anyone else we socialized with. James was always polite and charming, but never flirty.

‘For goodness’ sake, Emma, don’t start making a drama out of nothing. She’s a new colleague I get on well with.’

‘Very well, by the look of things,’ I muttered.

‘She’s easy to work with. There’s no crime in that,’ he snapped.

I opened my mouth to protest, but decided to shut it again. He was annoyed and defensive. I didn’t want to push him right into Mandy’s arms. I needed to step away and think about what to do. I changed the subject and tried my best to be breezy, but it was difficult through gritted teeth.

For the next month I’d watched James like a hawk and
popped in, at different times of the day, to visit him at work. I checked his phone and his laptop when he wasn’t in the room, but didn’t find anything. As Lucy said, it was probably just a little flirtation, and there was no harm in it. But I didn’t feel so blasé. A flirt can lead to a lot more if it isn’t nipped in the bud. A flirt means you’re bored at home. Happily married men don’t flirt.

James got more sex in the weeks that followed my meeting with Mandy than he knew what to do with. I cranked it up big-time – new lingerie, scented body lotion, candles and even some dirty talk. James seemed very pleased and participated enthusiastically. It ended up being fun for both of us. But I had been shaken by what I’d seen. I realized that I needed to make more of an effort at keeping our marriage interesting and fresh. And although most nights I just wanted to put on my fleecy pyjamas and eat chocolate biscuits in bed while watching bad reality TV, I had to remember that there were two of us in our relationship.

Then, of course, James had been fired and Mandy was no longer an issue as our life was turned upside-down.

As I walked the children back to our house, I resolved that this was the night to christen our new home. I’d bought a black lacy body in Dublin, before we left, and I was going to root it out, open a bottle of wine and give James a little reminder of why he’d fallen in love with me.

I was lost in thought, planning my evening, when I heard, ‘Hey, Sis. Hey, Shrimp. Hey, Gorgeous.’

It was Babs, climbing out of a taxi, looking amazing, with perfect hair and makeup. She was wearing a ballet-length, halterneck red dress.

‘I know, I look ridiculous. This dress is so conservative, but they’ve had complaints about me showing too much flesh on the show. Apparently some frigid cow in Devon
thought it was disgraceful to have so much cleavage and thigh on view on an afternoon show. I bet her husband loved it and she just got the hump with him ogling me.’

I never ceased to wonder where Babs got her confidence. It was colossal. I wished I had half of it.

‘You should consider wearing clothes that don’t show off so much flesh more often. You look much nicer and less available,’ I noted, behaving every inch the older sister. But, then, it was true.

‘I love your dress. Do a twirl, Babs, do a twirl,’ Lara demanded.

Babs obliged with a couple of spins. ‘I’ve come straight from the studio to give you the good news. I’m the best sister in the world and you can grovel at my feet.’

I put my key in the door and ushered the kids through the kitchen and into the back garden. ‘Go on – I’m waiting with bated breath.’

Babs threw her enormous bag onto a chair. ‘I’ve got you a job.’

‘What?’

‘The makeup artist on our show just handed in her notice. Before they had a chance to start looking for someone else, I said they had to hire you.’

‘You’re kidding! Really?’

‘Yes. I’m not all bad, you know. Anyway, they asked about your history and blah blah blah. I bigged you up, of course. I said you’d worked for the best show on Irish TV and done all the celebrity weddings in Ireland. So they said they’d give you a three-week trial, and if that works out, they’ll hire you on a six-month contract.’

‘But when do they want me to start? What sort of hours? What about the kids?’ I was thrilled and nervous all at once. It was too soon – I had so much to sort out and I didn’t know
London at all. I’d have to get a nanny. How would I juggle everything?

Babs opened the fridge and poured herself a glass of wine. ‘You start Monday week so you’ve got plenty of time to sort out your stuff.’

I sat down at the table. ‘And the hours – what do you think they’ll be?’

‘Usually from about nine thirty or ten in the morning till about five, sometimes later, depending on how the show is going. Some of the women need a lot of encouragement to get undressed and look in the mirror. Sometimes it takes hours, which is such a pain in the arse. On those days we always run late.’

‘Will I have to travel?’

‘Not really. It’s mostly shot in London – we don’t have a big budget.’ Babs rummaged in the cupboards. ‘Do you have anything decent to eat?’

Wow! A job, and so soon. It had been much easier than I’d expected. It would do me good to work, though. I wouldn’t have time to dwell on the move or my loneliness. Plus I’d be earning my own money and hopefully I’d meet nice people. It was great. Except for one small detail: my sister was the star of the show.

As if she could read my mind, Babs, who had found a box of animal-shaped crackers in one of the cupboards, said, ‘Obviously I’m the most important person on the programme so you can’t try to boss me around or behave like my sister. You have to be super-nice to me and treat me with respect.’

‘Can’t I just ignore you?’

Babs waved a lion cracker at me. ‘I’m serious. This is my show.’

‘Isn’t that what all presenters think until they’re replaced?’

‘I’m not going to be replaced. The public love me.’

I resisted the urge to laugh. ‘Whose makeup will I be doing?’

‘Mine, although obviously you won’t have much work to do on me, and then you’ll have to do the women we’re making over. Some are shocking-looking, so you’ll have your work cut out for you.’

‘You have such a lovely way with words.’ I held out my hand. Babs passed me a giraffe cracker.

‘So, are you in?’

‘Absolutely. Now I just need to find a childminder.’

Yuri and Lara came running in from the garden.

‘Guess what?’ I said.

‘We’re going home!’ Yuri ran around the kitchen, cheering. ‘Yeah. I can go to Connor’s house for a play.’

My heart sank. The poor little guy missed his friends in Dublin so much. ‘No, sweetheart, we’re not going home, but Mummy’s got a new job.’

Yuri looked crestfallen.

‘Is the beautiful girl going to mind us?’ Lara asked, still dazzled by the au pair next door.

‘No, Mummy’s going to find a different minder.’ One who looks like an old troll, I thought. An old troll with rotten teeth and severe acne so Daddy won’t be tempted by her.

‘Can I have a cracker?’ Yuri asked Babs.

She shook the box. ‘Sorry, Short-fry, I ate them.’

‘But I want one.’ Yuri looked as if he was about to cry. ‘It’s mean to eat them all. It’s not fair.’

Babs laid her hand on his head. ‘Listen, Squirt, I’ve just got your mum a job. And if your mum has a job, that means she makes money. If she has money, that means she can buy loads more of these crackers for you, and more toys and sweets and all that stuff, so don’t give me a hard time. OK?’

Yuri nodded. ‘OK.’

I couldn’t believe it. If I had eaten Yuri’s crackers, he would have had a complete meltdown, but the kids never freaked out with Babs. Maybe if the TV presenting dried up she should consider childcare. I smiled to myself. Somehow I doubted any woman of sane mind would have Babs in her home.

‘Right,
amigos
, I have to go. I’ve got a show to tape.’

After the children had had their snack, I decided to enjoy the lovely sunshine and sit outside on the patio. I wanted ten minutes of peace to read my magazine, so I told Lara and Yuri to do races up and down the garden. I was reading a very good article on why women are never happy with their bodies when Yuri pushed Lara. She fell down, scraped her knee and proceeded to scream like a banshee.

‘For God’s sake, Yuri, I’ve told you a million times not to push your sister.’

‘Blood!’ shrieked Lara.

I examined her knee. ‘No, pet, there’s no blood. Now, stop screaming.’

‘She pushed me first. I hate her!’ Yuri shouted.

‘Don’t say that,’ I snapped. I couldn’t stand it when they were mean to one another. They only had each other in the world, and when James and I died, I didn’t want them fighting and falling out. Because I had one adopted and one biological child, I was even more determined to make them close. Siblings had to look out for each other. I was close to my brother Sean, but he lived in New York now and was hopeless at keeping in touch. When we met up it was always great, but I only spoke to him about once every six weeks. As for Babs … When we were younger, the thirteen-year age gap had seemed huge, but we had got closer over the years, although she still drove me crazy and we did argue a lot.