Ma, He Sold Me for a Few Cigarettes (25 page)

‘OK, Jackser. I'm doin it. I know wha ye want now, an I'll do it.'

He moved away, watchin me te see if I would make a mistake. An me head was pricklin, on alert fer the blow tha might come. I put the bars of the cot down an held the babby under me arms, tryin te make him lie down te wipe the shit off his arse an legs. He was strong an bashed me wit his fists an pulled me hair, shakin his legs an sendin shit flyin everywhere. I couldn't get him te lie down, cos he was diggin in his heels an buckin his back in the air.

‘Get on wit it, Mrs! I haven't all fuckin day!'

‘Yes, Jackser! I'm nearly ready.' An I grabbed the babby's feet an whipped them inta the air, an tried te clean him wit the blanket. But he twisted himself aroun an pushed himself up on his hands an started laughin. He thought we were playin a game. Jackser was in the scullery, so I said, ‘Ah! Ah! Bold!' an he stopped te look at me. An I wiped him clean wit the blanket before he started te scream his lungs out. I lifted him out an put him on the floor an put his trousers on. He galloped off on his hands an knees inta the scullery. He keeps tryin te stand up, holdin on te the chair. Me ma says he'll be walkin soon, cos he's nearly ten months old.

We were ready. I strapped the babby inta his pram, an Jackser slammed the front door shut. I followed behind him, pushin the high pram, an Teddy was sittin up, lookin aroun the side of the hood. I pushed it back so he could look out. An he was content te lie there, enjoyin the sights an the rockin pram from me pushin it. Charlie held on te the handlebars, runnin te keep up. We had te rush, cos Jackser walks fast.

Suddenly Jackser stopped dead, an we nearly ran inta him. He was starin across the road at a man waitin fer a bus. ‘Wha's he fuckin starin at?' Jackser said. ‘Wait here, I'm goin te watch this fella, see who the fuck he's starin at!' I looked across the road te the man, who was mindin his own business, not even noticin Jackser. He was too busy watchin fer the bus. I stayed still, waitin fer Jackser te move. He does this all the time. Stops an asks people wha they're starin at. He believes everyone is out te get him, but people don't even notice him. ‘People are always fuckin watchin me!' Jackser muttered. ‘One of these days I'm goin te show the bastards. People'd better watch out, you mark my fuckin words! I'll get them!' He gave the man a dirty look. The man was nervous an he turned his back, pretendin te look in at the shop winda. I kept me head down, ashamed cos Jackser was makin a show of us.

People were now lookin at us as they passed by, wonderin wha was up, an Jackser was givin them all dirty looks. ‘What's wrong wit him?' one aul one said as she passed me. ‘Tha's a terrible carry on.'

‘Move!' Jackser suddenly roared at me. An I pushed the pram up the hill as fast as I could. Charlie gorra fright an grabbed hold of the bars, afraid he'd be left behind an Jackser'd get him. We went up Seville Place, an I noticed how quiet it was. All the childre were at school. I could hear them shoutin out their lessons when we passed by the school. I was glad I was not there, but I'd be happier if we weren't wit Jackser. The women were walkin wit their shoppin bags, goin te get their messages fer the dinner. I wondered why we weren't like tha. A woman passed by me, holdin a little young fella by the hand, an he was suckin on a big orange icepop. Charlie's eyes leapt outa his head at the sight of it, an the two of them stared at each other. The little boy was about three years old, an he was wearin an overcoat wit buttons all down the front, an long trousers an boots, an a hat tha wrapped aroun his ears. His mammy was takin great care of him, wipin his mouth wit a hankie. ‘Now, son, enjoy yer icepop an don't be gettin it all over yer coat.' I stared at her as I rushed past her. Gawd! I'd love her fer me mammy.

‘Martha! Can we get an icepop?' Charlie looked up at me. He was about the same age as tha little boy, three years. But his face looked older, a bit like an old man's.

‘Yeah! If we find money, we will. Ye never know, we could be lucky.'

We stopped at the Five Lamps on the North Strand, an I waited fer a lull in the traffic te gallop across the road, screamin at Charlie not te let go of the pram. I was tryin te catch up wit Jackser an not get us all kilt at the same time. I dodged out in front of a horse an cart turnin from Portland Row, an it was a race te see which of us got te the middle of the road first. I did!

‘Whoa! Whoa!' the driver whipped the snortin horse te a standstill, the wheels of the front of the cart leavin the ground. ‘Ye fuckin little bastard, ye nearly got us all put under! I'll fuckin kill ye if I get me hands on ye. Wha did ye go an do tha fer?'

I flew wit the pram, an Charlie was squealin wit fright, grippin the pram te hang on te his life. I bounced the wheels onta the footpath an had a quick look back te see if the man was runnin after me. But he was too busy tryin te steady the horse an calm him down. I slowed down, an Charlie was as white as a sheet. Me heart was goin like the clappers, but I was more afraid of Jackser than I was of the road. I didn't want te lag behind him an drive him mad. Teddy thought tha run was great gas, an he was hoppin up an down fer more, so I shook the pram, an he roared laughin.

We got te the top of Portland Row, an Jackser told me te wait. We were standin on the hill outside the Old Maids' Home. ‘I'm just goin over here!' he said, pointin te the Sunset House pub. ‘I won't be long,' an he rushed across the road. I stood against the railins of the Old Maids' Home an waited. I was lookin at the name, Sunset House, an thinkin, in the cowboy fillums the two cowboys say te each other, ‘We'll have a showdown at sunset!' An they arrive in the middle of the street at sunset wit their spurs clankin an their boots kickin up the dust, an shoot each other. An only one walks away. The other one gets carried in a box te be buried at Boot Hill. I wondered what it must be like te think ye're goin te die at sunset. I wouldn't like te die. I want te grow up an be a fillum star.

Jackser appeared outa the pub. ‘Yer mammy's gorra new babby. It's a boy! I'm just goin in fer a quick drink! I won't be long.' I was happy, not about the new babby but cos me ma would be home soon.

The babby was whingin wit the hunger, an we were sittin on the steps rockin the pram, tryin te get him te go te sleep. It was quiet again. The workers on their bicycles were long gone back te work after their dinner break. I looked up an down the road, fed up there was nothin happenin. No one had passed fer a long time. The childre should be home from school soon, so we'll be able te watch them play.

A young one about me own age came flyin down the hill wit a bicycle wheel an a stick. She was doin great, keepin the wheel straight, tappin it wit the stick an runnin fast beside it. I jumped up. ‘Hey, young one! Give us a go of yer hoop, will ya?' She stopped an turned the hoop aroun, eyein me.

‘Wha have ye got te give us?'

We sized each other up, makin sure we were on safe ground. She worried I might rob her hoop an me wonderin if we'd be all right together. I didn't want any trouble. She had sores all over her face, an her hair was matted. She'd no shoes on her feet, an her big toe was swollen an purple. But tha didn't stop her runnin, even if she was limpin.

‘Are ye waitin fer yer ma?'

‘No, she's in hospital. She gorra new babby.'

The young one sat down beside me.

‘Tha aul fella is in the pub.'

‘Who? Yer da?'

‘No, he's not me da, only his!' an I pointed te the babby, who was starin outa his pram, takin in everythin, forgettin te cry.

‘I live wit me granny aroun the corner on Summerhill.'

‘Where's yer mammy?'

‘Ah, I'm not bothered. Me granny says she's no good. She was out on the town, pickin up sailors. An now she's a drunkard, livin on the streets. Me granny drinks, too, though. So when she's not in the pub, she's sleepin in the bed. So I can do what I like.'

I looked at her wit me mouth open. ‘Ye're so lucky, I wish I was you. An do ye have any brothers an sisters?'

‘No. Me granny says me ma had a black one, it was black as the pot! An she says, “Ye're not takin tha home! Ye can get rid of it. I'm not takin care of any more of yer leavins. An don't darken me door again.” An wit tha she marched outa the hospital. I was only little at the time, so I don't remember wha she looks like. But me granny tells me these things when she's drunk. I'd better go, me granny sent me fer a message. I have te go all the way up te Ballybough. An tha was ages ago. She'll kill me! See ya!' An she jumped up an hopped off down the hill, smackin her hoop.

I walked up an down pushin the pram, leavin Charlie sleepin on the steps wit his head against the railins. The babby wouldn't stop sobbin. He was exhausted an soakin wet an starved wit the hunger. The mammies had called the childre in fer their tea long ago. If only I could go home. But tha bastard would kill me. I wish he was mashed under a lorry. Why does me ma have te have more babbies? Why is she not like other mammies an make herself busy lookin after us? I hate havin te mind her. I felt like openin me mouth an runnin down the hill, cryin, I want a mammy! Get me a mammy! I'm lost, I'm on me own. Somebody mind me! Lock up Jackser, an put me fuckin ma in a home. That'll teach her. But I kept quiet. I have te wait until I'm big meself, then I'll be somebody, no one will look down on me.

I heard a door slam from aroun the corner. It sounded like the pub. Then shouts. Jackser came reelin aroun the corner, hangin on te the neck of another fella. ‘Come on, come on! Ye're comin wit me!' Jackser was sayin. ‘Ye'll be all right!'

They lurched across the road, right in front of a bicycle. The bike swerved, an the man landed on the footpath. ‘Drunken bastards!' the man roared.

‘An fuck you, too,' Jackser roared back, wavin his fist.

I rushed over te Charlie an grabbed him off the steps. ‘Get up quick! He's here. Let's get movin fast, before he starts.' I put his hand on the handlebar of the pram, took off the brake an started movin ahead slowly.

‘Look, Moocher! This is me son.' I stopped an Moocher looked at the pram.

‘Yeah! He's grand, God bless him, the spittin image of ye!'

Jackser leaned inta the pram an pinched the babby's cheek. The babby screamed wit fright, an Jackser couldn't get himself back up. I put the brake on, an he was hurtin the babby wit his elbow. I tried te get him off, an Moocher dragged him up. ‘Ah! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I wouldn't hurt me son fer the world,' he said te Moocher, wipin his long dribbles. ‘I'd give me life fer him an me new son! I'm goin te straighten meself out. Nothin will be too good fer them, wait an see,' an then he started cryin. ‘I'd give me life, honest te God I would. There'll be no better man. I'm goin te see te tha. Mark me words, Moocher!'

Moocher was agreein wit everythin. An smilin an lookin me up an down. I didn't like tha look in his eyes. He looked at me like I was a woman or somethin. No! I don't like him.

I started te move home, leavin Jackser an Moocher staggerin behind me. I looked back, an they were stopped. Jackser was cryin again. ‘Ye're grand! Ye're grand! Ye're sound as a pound!' Moocher was sayin an pattin him on the back. Jackser was wipin his snots wit the sleeve of his coat an long spits comin outa his mouth.

‘I'm not tellin ye a word of a lie,' Jackser was whingin. I moved off, hurryin on now. It was dark, an the babby'd get pneumonia from this night air. Charlie kept whinin wit the tiredness. Let us get te bed, God. Just let us get te bed. Tha's all I ask!

I put the babby inta his cot an gave him his bottle of tea an a bit of bread, an I took off Charlie's shoes an trousers an put him inta bed. ‘Don't go asleep. I'm bringin ye a sup of tea. Mind tha jam jar, it's hot. Here's yer bread.'

‘Mrs, would ye ever get a plate an put out me fuckin chips! They're gone cold. Fer the love of Jaysus, do I have te do it meself?'

‘OK, Jackser! I'm runnin te do tha now!'

I rushed inta the scullery an opened the two bags of chips an put them on the two dinner plates we had. I put a few aside fer Charlie an the babby, an pushed two inta me mouth. Then I rushed back in an handed Moocher an Jackser their chips. Jackser grabbed the plate an shovelled a fistful of chips inta his snotty mouth. Moocher laughed an said, ‘By God, I could do wit someone like you! How old are ye now?'

‘Eight. I'm eight years old.'

‘Ah, it won't be long till ye're out workin.'

I ignored him an went back inta the scullery an brought the few chips I'd left te the babby, who threw his empty bottle over the cot. An I managed te catch it before it broke. I took the empty jam jar from Charlie an gave him the rest of the chips. Then I went back inta the scullery an ate me bread an tea. The tea was cold, an there was no margarine left. An we'd have no bread or milk fer the mornin. Them two ate the lot. I put the babby down an covered him up. He went out like a light. Charlie covered himself up an was noddin off, too.

I hesimitated fer a minute, wonderin if I should go te bed wit them two still sittin there. ‘Do ye want te go te bed, Jackser? I should put the light out! It's very late now,' I said quietly.

‘Wha? Wha?' Jackser muttered. He'd been dozin in the chair. An Moocher was followin me every movement wit his sly eyes.

‘Come an sit on me lap!' Moocher said, smackin his knees. I backed away, headin towards me bed. But Moocher was outa the chair an liftin me on te his lap. I tried te wriggle free, but me frock was caught up aroun me, an I was wearin no knickers or a vest.

‘No! Let me down,' I cried. ‘I want te get down.' He was laughin an grabbin me arms an pinnin them down by me side. An pressin me hard down inta his lap.

‘Be the holy!' Jackser snuffled an laughed. ‘She's a fighter!' He kept lookin, an touchin himself, an lookin aroun, an back, snufflin, an givin a laugh. An he looked like he was enjoyin himself. Then he got up an shuffled off te the scullery, mutterin, ‘I'll just get a sup of tea.'