Lust and Lies (The Jamie Reynolds Chronicles #1) (27 page)

“This is crazy, I felt the same way with my ex.”

“So how did you bounce back? What did you do? You and Johnny are so happy.”

“Once I left my ex, I really took time to find myself and refocus my attention on me and my daughter. My ex is a great father but a horrible husband. I just wasn’t happy and he knows this. Thank God he let me move on. Naturally he was upset and became an angry black man and I was scared, but you’re a tough girl, so you’ll be fine, just like I made it out.”

As Natalie continued talking, I couldn’t help but think of my life these past three years. Toni was amazing at first and we had some good times, but he was different now. I didn’t know who he was anymore; I saw the asshole everyone warned me about. I had a future, a thriving career, a neat little townhome and a single-family home in an up-and-coming neighborhood in Newark. I was doing good; then I heard my father’s words and decided to make a change. I loved my father and didn’t understand why his words affected me so much. Maybe it was because I almost lost him and wanted to make him proud of me. In my parents’ eyes, I graduated from college and had a good life, but I was missing a husband, so I followed their path for my life, not my own. But was my own path all about me and my career? Was this hard lesson with Toni a blessing or a curse?

After two hours at Natalie’s home, I decided to go home and just face my reality.

Toni was sitting on the couch with a beer in his hands and ran to the door as I opened it.

“JR, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I love you so much, you are my world and I don’t want to lose you.”

He must have been a fly on the wall at Natalie’s home because I was thinking about leaving.

We spent the evening talking and I expressed my true feelings and how I was unhappy and feeling lost and confused. I told him I still loved him but couldn’t continue to be abused by his words when he felt like being an ass. I was his wife and I felt like we were on two different chapters in a book. We both cried that night and Toni said he understood my concerns and had no real reason for the bad treatment. He tried to tell me about his childhood and how rough he had it growing up in a low-income household and not feeling supported by his family and having to “grow up too fast,” but we all had a past and a story, so I didn’t want to hear that. I wanted him to step up to the plate and own up to his behavior. I felt like I had been biting my tongue for too long and this was not like me.

I hoped change was coming, as this deployment would be a true testament to his behavior since he promised yet again to change and be a better man.

Hate Mail…

This must have been a record, as it took Toni all of two weeks into his deployment to start acting like an ass again. This time it was even worse than last time, and he wouldn’t even apologize for the hurtful words he often threw at me via phone, email or by mail.

Ring, ring.

“Good morning, Shantal,” I said, greeting my tenant on the phone. “How is everything?”

“Everything is great. I have good news and bad news.”

I first thought something bad happened to my townhome. Shantal had been living in this house for over two years now and she was a great tenant.

“Is everything okay?”

“Everything is great. I was calling to let you know I’m getting married.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you. I know this is a strange request, but I’m hoping to break my lease because my fiancé and I need to save some money for the wedding, so I’m moving in with him.”

“Oh, okay.” I didn’t know how to react, as this house in Georgia took care of itself with the rent. I was able to start saving money again since there was always two hundred dollars extra per month, and with limited repairs needed, I was able to have a secret reserve fund of over two thousand dollars. Toni knew I saved the money from this house, but he never knew how much was being saved every month. I had to replace the water tank, which cost me three hundred dollars last year, but I didn’t have to ask Toni for the money, so he knew I used the reserved money to replace it.

“I hope you’re not mad. I have enough to pay the next two months and I’ll be out by then.”

Before I could say anything, she said, “I was hoping you could find a tenant during those two months, and I promise to clean the place before I leave and make it rent friendly.”

“I’m not worried about that, but thanks for the heads-up. Can I get back to you by Friday with an update on everything? Maybe I can ask Angela to work out the details in my absence.”

“Thanks so much, yes, yes, please keep me posted.”

As I hung up the phone, I wondered if this was a sign from God. I had been going to church regularly and had been in a funk. So maybe some time in Atlanta could be helpful; maybe I could find work and get back on my feet while I figured things out.

***

October 1

Well, I haven’t called in a while, but I wanted to write. A lot has transpired and a lot will continue to happen moving forward. To be honest, it’s disturbing to see your behavior over and over again with you crying about this relationship. The navy has pushed us apart and is taking me places mentally I don’t want to be.

You talk about you are your father’s child and now you’re going to church. Then you and Natalie go to some stupid wine fest. Some Christian you are…

I hope this letter upsets you because I am exhausted with you. I can’t take it. I’m already on this ship, and I am almost certain that you don’t realize how annoying you can be. I’m not stupid, you’re the one that is stupid. You have nothing and you have to deal with your “boring” life now. You thought you was so much better than me when we first met and now look at you.

Don’t think I don’t know about your secrets. Johnny tells me you and Natalie talk all the time, but she is not your friend. You have no friends.

Maybe I shouldn’t send you this letter because I am so pissed right now because Humphreys and Warner got us in trouble this morning.

Anyway, love ya.

The hate mail started just rolling in and I became defeated and so depressed after every letter.

October 6

Hey, you didn’t pick up the phone, so I figured I’d email you. Why aren’t you picking up the phone? I know you’re at work, but you don’t do shit anyway, so you can still pick up when I call. You know I have limited phone time.

You always put you first. I’m just tired. I was hoping for better from you while I was away. You always running around, this is why you lost your baby, if it was mine anyway. I’m not stupid, I see how you look at the guys on the ship. Remember, you are your father’s child.

I’m getting things off my chest now while it is fresh on my mind. I’m glad everyone is helping you adjust, talking and hanging out with you, but what am I doing? Stuck on this damn ship with these assholes every day.

However rude this letter is, I hope it wakes you up. My trust in you is on shaky ground after you told me how you felt before I left. I know I promised to do better, but I just wanted you to stop crying.

Felix says women always cry for attention. Is this why you cry all of the time? If so, cut it out because you won’t get any more attention from me. I’m tired of it. You try to be so tough in front of people, but you are so weak it’s a joke.

Anyway, bye.

October 8

Well, I reread a few of my letters and started not to send it, but after I reread them I decided to let it ride. You have a lot on your plate, and you manage a lot of our responsibilities, I can’t thank you enough. In the meantime while I’m gone, enjoy life, make it more about you and your goals and less about us. Right now I do not feel very confident in your behavior. I love you too much to cause you any more pain. It’s painful feeling what I feel. I’ve prayed and prayed for guidance and assurance and I feel unrewarded because of you.

I really do not trust you. You are sneaky and seem to do things on the fly. You use pressure and people’s emotions to get what you want. Everyone is against me on this ship and it’s because of you running your mouth to Natalie about our business. You’re making me out to be the bad guy and now everyone feels sorry for poor JR and calls me an asshole because of you.

I hope you’re upset after reading this! I hope you sit down and think why something so innocent is so wrong. Why is Toni so cold in this letter, why is Toni disregarding my feelings? Why is he running me and my emotions into the ground? It’s because I don’t care anymore.

Anyway, thanks for the care package you sent, by the way.

Peace.

October 12

So I found out most military relationships end in divorce, I found that funny. This past month is just the beginning. I have five more months out here. So far I feel I can expect what most sailors are feeling: guilt, hurt and insecure or untrusting of their loved ones’ actions. I don’t feel good writing this letter, but I feel it needs to be said. Our journey may not be greater than the destination. Oh yeah, please send my ATM card back. I feel like you’re spending too much money. I can see the accounts. I see you spent $35 last week in Macy’s and another $62 in Walmart. Who are you spending all of this money on? You better not have no man in my home where I pay the bills. That will make you a slut.

Bye.

October 13

My love for you is still very present, but my trust is weakened. My commitment to you and this “relationship” is falling backwards. I might be wrong by being so hard on you, but I have to share my feelings. I see what these guys go through on this ship and I don’t want that to be me. You always say your guard is up, but now mine is up.

I have to admit, I’ve been miserable these last few weeks, so I hope these letters don’t hurt you too bad.

May God Bless you,

Toni

October 15

Well, I just got back from church and I sang, cried and prayed and worshiped, and I am not giving up on you, on us. I will allow things to take a normal course. I apologize only for allowing my displeasure to build up. I have been going through counseling per the chief’s orders, and Felix and I understand I am not perfect, but neither are you.

We have been through a lot (I more so than you). However, with all the changes, we have yet to complete any real goals. I have more to say, but I figure I’ll wait until I get to hear your voice again. It’s been over two weeks and I miss hearing your voice.

Talk to you soon.

Over the next two and a half months the letters and emails continued. I thought I was going to lose my mind, as I was scared for my own life as Toni went deeper and deeper into purposely hurting my feelings and trying to weaken my spirits.

What have I gotten myself into?
I didn’t understand what I did to make him so angry. Toni was a totally different man. Why was he so angry and bitter? Did he hate me and his life this much? I had a million thoughts running through my head. I felt like a walking mess, I would cry at the drop of a dime, I couldn’t even concentrate at work. I felt depressed and became antisocial.

I had enough; I was so over this relationship and over being unhappy. I packed up my car, sent Toni one final email, and drove back to Atlanta.

Good-bye Norfolk and Welcome Back to Atlanta…

Hey Toni,

I hope this email finds you well. I’ll try not to stress you out by being too emotional, but these last few months have been very interesting, and needless to say, I have been so unhappy it scares me. My tenant has moved out of my townhome in Georgia, so at first I was going to just drive down to check on everything. But I decided to drive down to refocus on me… yes, me. I can’t do this anymore and I can’t think of a better time to leave than now.

I don’t know how this email will affect you. Who knows, I may be back when you get back to Norfolk. I will still continue to pay the bills in the apartment in your absence, as I spoke to the property manager and told her you were on deployment and I was going back to Atlanta, so she said she will work with us on things.

Don’t worry, I didn’t take anything. I only took what was mine, which was my clothes (as much as I was able to get in the car) and a few kitchen items. I left the TVs.

Best of luck and peace,

JR

Be on the lookout for the next

Jamie Reynolds Chronicles:

Secrets Revealed… The Beginning

About the Author

Originally from Brooklyn, New York, with parents from Trinidad and Tobago. Casandra graduated college with a BA degree in Mass Media Arts at Morris Brown College in Atlanta, GA., where she resided for many years. In 2007, Casandra went back to college to obtain her master’s in Adult Education and currently works as an Online Program Coordinator for a school of natural medicine.