Lucy Lane and the Lieutenant (18 page)

Chapter Nine

A
s Lucy walked ahead of Nathan, she had no idea of his inner torment. His expression was grim as a thousand curses poured through his mind. His refusal to commit himself to her had hurt her,
he
had hurt her. He knew that and it preyed heavy on his mind, which felt numb with the realisation. He had hurt that courageous, dear sweet girl. It was the worst feeling he had experienced in a long time and he had no idea what to do about it. Here on the cusp of his mission, just when he most needed to have himself and everything under perfect control, he was utterly routed, completely unsure.

His torment accompanied him to his bed, where he stared out into the dark beyond the window, at the country and the war he had escaped to when Lucy had left him. He had always been the sort of man who, when he made a decision, seldom changed his mind. He had devised this mission entirely by his usual mode of thought—logical, precise, effective.

But he had not bargained on how being close to Lucy once more, how his feelings would alter everything. His whole life had changed after these few weeks of having her close, of having her in his arms again, of loving her, and now the old way of thinking didn’t seem to make sense any more. He also knew that when she had left him, young girls like Lucy did not run away and hide without good reason—not when they had Lucy’s kind of courage and daring.

He had not anticipated the effect that these weeks with her would have on
him
. He had never meant to hurt her in his desire to protect himself, and now, the deepening of his feelings made it all but impossible for him to leave her when they got back to England. When she had left him four years ago, he had tried to purge her from his mind and tear her from his heart, but without success. He knew he was losing ground in the battle, just as he had been slowly losing it from the moment he’d gone to her house with his proposition that she accompany him to Portugal.

With a sigh, he leaned his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes. No matter what she had done in the past in a moment of anger, loneliness and despair, he would allow her that much—and he accepted that inadvertently he, too, had been to blame—but he could not face living without her now.

* * *

Before continuing with their journey the next day, he took her aside and told her how sorry he was for his behaviour of the previous night and stressed that he had no wish to hurt her in any way. Although she accepted his apology and acted as though everything was normal, being pleasant, distant, calm, her trust in him had been shaken and her demeanour towards him had cooled.

* * *

The journey to Lisbon lasted another five days in which scarcely anything happened and which proved no less uncomfortable than Lucy had feared now that Katherine was improved and able to ride for longer periods. They were able to buy food in the towns and villages, where they spent the nights.

Since they had left the mountains and their meeting with the partisans, Lucy knew that the tension in Nathan had relaxed. She was aware, too, that he had developed a habit of watching her under his lashes, especially when she helped Katherine tend Charles. He would sit of an evening while she washed and fed him, and she would look up and find his gaze on her, and feel as always that familiar contraction of the heart. He did not speak of what had occurred between them when he had pulled her from the stream or the kiss they had shared after that, but she knew it was at the forefront of his mind.

Lucy spent most of her time with Katherine and Charles. Until now, each morning when Katherine woke and emerged into the warmth of the day, she was like some crumpled flower on which a cruel foot had trampled. Pale and strange, eyes shielded by her long lashes, head bent, shoulders bowed, silent and blank-faced, not until they had put the place of her incarceration and the brutal treatment of her captors behind her did she begin to lift her head. Then, slowly, the emptiness, the freshness, the beauty of the landscape worked its miracle and she began to stretch and recover.

The last night of their journey found them just fifteen miles from Lisbon. Missing Katherine when she went to the room they were to share, Lucy went outside to look for her. She found her sitting on a grassy bank with Charles lying on his back beside her, happily waving his arms and kicking his legs in the air. With her arms wrapped round her knees, Katherine sat in silent contemplation of the hills along the far horizon.

Lucy sat beside her. ‘We’ll soon be in Lisbon, Katherine—and after that London.’

‘And a new life for me. Nothing can make up for the loss of James or wipe out that picture of him dying cruelly before my eyes. But I am impatient to be back in England.’

‘I hope you will be able to put this awful time behind you.’

‘I do, too. You don’t know what it was like. I had never known fear until that moment I was shot and taken captive. I was more afraid of showing fear than the actual thing I feared, of living through each dragging moment with the uncertainty of what would happen to me. The intolerable heat of the journey into the hills, the pain from my wound and never having enough to eat, of having to look after Charles and fearing he might die—had it not been for the women who were already captives of Claude Gameau, I would have died. I am sure of it.’ Reaching out, she took Lucy’s hand and squeezed it. ‘Then you came to remind me that the world still contains other things besides terror and violence and wicked people.’

Lucy remained silent, content to let her talk.

Katherine turned her head and looked at Lucy, her eyes calm and serious. ‘You and Nathan. I cannot tell you how surprised I was to see you together. I thought... What happened, Lucy? Why did you end your betrothal so suddenly? And why did you leave London without a word to me or anyone else for that matter? You never replied to my letters. I wrote telling you that I was marrying James within days and leaving for Spain with him. What was I to think?’

Lucy remembered the letters, remembered how she had thrown them in the fire unread. Katherine’s eyes were gentle with understanding when Lucy confessed what she had done and she didn’t blame her. When Katherine was told the facts that had convinced Lucy about the affair, she understood that it was a reasonable conclusion to reach.

‘I hurt you, Katherine, and I am sorry for that, but most of all I lost your friendship and that was the hardest thing of all.’

‘You didn’t, Lucy. That you would never lose. I am still your friend. Have you not proved it by coming all this way with Nathan to rescue me?’

‘I did not know it was you we were coming to rescue until I reached Portugal.’

‘Maybe not. But you could have turned back. The fact that you didn’t, I consider that a test of true friendship. If I have learned anything over the years, it is that desperate people do desperate things—as I did when I insisted on following James to Spain, fearing he might die like my first husband, denying me the chance to say goodbye. I believe that what you did was done out of desperation.

‘Nathan has told me that James’s older brother was killed in Spain, which makes Charles the Duke of Londesborough’s heir. I didn’t know, Lucy.’ A deep sadness for the loss of her brother-in-law filled her eyes, but then a smile touched her lips and her eyes brightened a little when she said, ‘Imagine that, Lucy. My son will be a duke. There was a time when we would have laughed about such a thing happening.’

Lucy was about to get to her feet when Katherine put a hand on her arm to detain her.

‘You still love Nathan, don’t you?’

‘More than the world. More than my life.’

‘Then Nathan is a lucky man—luckier than he knows. Over the years I have come to know him well. He can be obstinate and stubborn, but he has a soft heart beneath that fearsome manner of his. I have seen the way he looks at you, how his eyes warm and light up, how his face kindles with joy. His face cannot lie. If you love him enough and live for the moment, he will come back to you. However obstinate he may be, the day will come when he can no longer struggle against himself and you.’

‘Thank you, Katherine, for those kind words. I would like to say they give me hope, but I cannot. Inadvertently I was the one who made his life a nightmare of disappointment and I was the one who wounded him as surely as if I had seared him with his own sword.’

Katherine squeezed her arm gently. Lucy looked at the woman she was glad she could once more call her friend, who was reading her face so clearly. Katherine had an understanding of the situation completely. She seemed to know it all—Lucy’s pain, her grief, her emptiness, her restlessness that was always there at the back of her mind. Katherine never ceased to amaze Lucy, showing aspects of her nature that were admirable. Katherine, soft-spoken and gentle, had a determined will and wisdom far beyond her years. Lucy studied her with the relief of one who does not have to explain anything. The large eyes, edged with thick brown lashes that usually appeared doe-like in the heart-shaped face, now had a certain stubborn glint in them.

Lucy left her then, glad they had talked and made their peace. She felt light-headed, yet strangely resolute, as if a great weight had lifted from her. Katherine’s remarks had kindled a little spark of hope, the hope that dies so hard in a loving heart. She knew that deep inside him Nathan cared for her, but she had also learned the price of her weakness for him, her too-willing surrender, and she was beginning to realise what it felt like to be on the receiving end of rejection.

* * *

Back in Lisbon at last, the weary travellers were received warmly by Sir Robert and Maria. Such a fuss was made over Katherine and Charles, who was sleeping in his mother’s arms, blissfully unaware of the scene swirling around him. Nathan disappeared into Sir Robert’s study while tea was prepared and rooms were readied and hot water carried up for baths. Lucy, who was feeling unusually weary and longed to go to bed and sleep, would have preferred to have been left alone for a while to collect herself, but it was not to be.

‘My dear girl, you cannot conceive how happy it makes Robert and I to see you back. I was so afraid that you would get lost in the mountains. But now you are here and everything is all right. But how tired you look—and so very pale. We will soon have some colour back in your cheeks now you are here. You need rest—plenty of rest.’

Lucy smiled in a friendly way at the vivacious Maria. ‘What a lot of trouble we are putting you to, Maria. I confess that I do feel tired, but I have no intention of going straight to bed. Tomorrow I’ll be better, I’m sure.’

‘Your room is ready for you. How was the journey?’ Maria asked as she escorted Lucy to the delightful room she had occupied before and to help her become settled. Two servants had taken Katherine upstairs, undressed her and helped her into a hot bath to wash away the weeks of incarceration. ‘Did you find it very difficult?’

Lucy smiled at her. ‘It’s been quite an adventure—and not one I would care to repeat.’

‘I’m relieved everything went as it should. Robert and I were very worried about you.’ She ushered Lucy inside the room. ‘You are to stay with us for the time being—which is a not a bad thing.’ She smiled. ‘I shall enjoy taking you and Katherine and her son under my wing for the time you are here. She has been through a terrible ordeal. It’s a wonder she and her son survived it.’

‘Yes, it is,’ Lucy agreed. ‘Gameau’s hideout is a terrible place and so isolated in the mountains. I sincerely hope the partisans and the soldiers are successful and the other hostages are rescued safely.’

Maria frowned and averted her eyes. ‘I understand the attack has happened, Lucy. Just before you arrived Robert received information about the raid on Gameau’s hideout. I do not know the details, but I am sure Nathan will speak of it before he leaves.’

Lucy paused in removing her jacket and stared at her in confusion, wondering if she had heard correctly. ‘What did you say, Maria? Nathan isn’t staying with us? But—why—where is he going?’ Suddenly an awful thought gripped her. ‘Dear Lord, Maria, please don’t tell me he’s going back?’

Maria bit her lip, wishing she had not mentioned it. She sighed. ‘Clearly Nathan hasn’t had time to speak to you about going back to rendezvous with the partisans.’

Lucy’s heart was beating so painfully, as if it were trying desperately to get out, to escape the bewildering panic it felt. ‘He hasn’t spoken to me. Why would he want to go back?’

‘I cannot say. No doubt it will become clear in time.’

Lucy met Maria’s eye and it seemed to her that she read some pity in it. But just at that moment, pity was one thing she could not endure. ‘When? When, Maria? When is he leaving?’

‘Shortly. Now, I will leave you to bathe and don one of the gowns you will find in your dressing room, then come down and join us on the terrace. You will see Nathan before he leaves.’

‘Thank you, Maria. I will.’

When Maria had closed the door Lucy sank down on the bed. A cloud had descended on her, less over this mention of Nathan leaving and the fresh danger that hung over him than because she would miss him dreadfully. The sharpness of her disappointment took her by surprise. God alone knew what she had been hoping for. Perhaps that Nathan’s assignment would oblige him to remain with them until they reached England and Katherine and Charles were delivered safely to the Duke of Londesborough. He could not know that, despite everything, how much he still mattered to her, his absence would be a source of grief.

On a sigh she glanced at the bathing tub, which looked inviting. She stood up and began to undress, impatient to rid herself of her travel-stained clothes and to sink into the soapy depths.

* * *

When Lucy appeared on the terrace she was surprised to find Nathan alone. Katherine was resting and Charles was being cosseted by one of the servants. Nathan had not heard her silent tread so she paused, taking a moment to study him. He stood with his back to her, looking out at the blue sky and the turquoise sea in the distance, his hands clasped behind his back—Poseidon surveying his realm, she thought.

Forcing herself to ignore the fluttering in her stomach, she walked towards him. He turned to face her, bathed and freshly shaved and having changed his clothes, his dark hair combed smoothly back from his face. Unexpectedly, Lucy found herself the victim of an absurd attack of discomfort. Now his ruggedness seemed more pronounced and the broad expanse of his chest reminded her rather forcefully of how his powerful body had felt pressed against hers. He watched her progress and was observing her with a grim look in his blue eyes.