Lucy in the Sky (13 page)

Something in me knew that this was the only chance. If Cam were here, I'd never do this. But it was so … COOL. There was this big house in the hills and a pile of cocaine, and I wouldn't do a lot, just a little bump. Besides, it was an event! Blake was back, and we were all together, and it would just be this one special time.

I took the straw from Lauren.

I smiled up at her as she set the mirror down on the table. I slid in next to Ian and said, Okay! Okay! How do I DO this?

She giggled and said, Just put the straw down and sniff the line up into your nose.

I laughed and started to lean forward, but Blake yelled, WAIT!

I froze and looked up at him like I'd been caught or something.

He looked at me and said, Before you bend over the mirror, make sure you've exhaled so you can inhale through your nose. Otherwise you'll end up exhaling and blowing coke all over the room.

I breathed out.

I touched the edge of the straw to the little line and then put the straw in my nose and sniffed. I saw the white powder disappear up the straw, then felt a little sting in my nose. I dropped the straw and sat back on the couch and sniffed again.

I felt the little clump of powder in my nose hit the back of my throat and make my mouth water with a strange, bitter flavor that made the back of my throat numb.

Ryan and Andrew came into the living room, hooting. Lauren giggled. Ross jumped up, grabbed my hand, and yelled TO THE HOT TUB!

That's when things sped up. I remember the rest in snapshots.

I felt a WHOOSH of something that made me smile and laugh. It was like the first drop on a roller coaster; the excitement flooded my whole body, and I know this sounds completely made up, but I felt TALLER somehow, and prettier.

I remember saying things that made everyone laugh, but I don't remember what they were.

Suddenly we were all in the kitchen making more drinks.

Ryan and Blake went back to the living room and brought the coke into the kitchen. I remember doing another line with them while Lauren and Andrew made out in the corner of the kitchen.

FLASH—Running out to the hot tub with Ross. Laughing so hard I cried as he pulled off all of his clothes and jumped into the water naked with Ian.

FLASH—Another line with Lauren in the kitchen.

FLASH—Dancing with Blake on one side and Ryan on the other.

FLASH—Running into the kitchen for another line with Ross and Ian.

FLASH—Sliding down into the hot tub and realizing we're all in the hot tub. In our underwear. Nothing else.

I wasn't sure whose legs and hands were whose, but the buzz of the coke made me not really care. I felt like my face was lit up from a hum on the inside that made every word I said sound smart, and important.

Ian brought towels out and I caught myself staring at him. I'd never realized how muscular he was before. I nudged Ross and said, Your boyfriend is a hottie. He laughed and said, Let's go smoke out.

FLASH—Back in the living room, smoking a bowl. Ian sprinkling a little cocaine onto the weed in the bowl and saying, You're gonna love this. Smoking deeply, but not feeling that heavy feeling that pot always gives me.

FLASH—Making more drinks with Lauren back in the kitchen. I told her I felt like I could drink a lot more without getting really wasted. She laughed and said that was why cocaine was so awesome, but she said I should pace myself. I told her my stomach was feeling weird. She said that's because they cut the cocaine with stuff like baby laxatives so it's not 100 percent pure. She grabbed her purse and gave me another little chunk of a Xanax tablet.

FLASH—The Xanax and the pot took the edge off of the upset feeling in my stomach. I am laughing with Lauren about how drunk Andrew is, and I hug her and say, THIS IS PERFECT! She hugs me back and says, I know!

FLASH—Blake is sitting in the hot tub with me while everyone else is in the kitchen. We are staring at the lights of the city. I feel his hands on my foot under the water. He starts massaging my foot and it feels AMAZING. I lay my head back and close my eyes.

FLASH—Another bump of cocaine, this time with Ross and Blake. We're all wearing towels, and after I snort the line, I see Blake wipe the end of the straw with his finger and rub it
across his top gum. He tells me to try it. The taste is metallic, like the drip in the back of my throat, but it makes my teeth numb, and suddenly I feel so clear and alive!

FLASH—Blake leaves with Lauren to go get more vodka. Ross and Ian have disappeared into the master bedroom. I'm in the hot tub with Ryan and Andrew. At first we were just laughing about the dance and Andrew is talking about school, and this house, and where he's going to college, and how he can't wait for their next volleyball tournament, and all of a sudden I feel lips on my ear and realize that Ryan has pulled me over to him, is nibbling on my ear, and it feels really good, so I lean into him and suddenly our lips have found each other and I feel his tongue on mine, and I put my arms around his neck.

As I'm kissing Ryan, I feel arms around my waist and realize that Andrew is kissing my shoulder! I try to pull away from Ryan, but he just holds me tighter, and I relax a little as I kiss him. We stay like that for a minute, and I feel the heat around my legs in the bubbling water spread up into my stomach and my chest. My breath gets shallow, and I press my mouth even harder into Ryan's. I feel Andrew moving his hands up and down on my stomach and then up to my breasts, and I pull away from Ryan and laugh. Andrew! What are you doing?

He just leans in behind me and whispers, Shhhhhhh, then smiles and says, You know you've wanted both of us since you
laid eyes on us. All of a sudden my heart is pounding in my chest. I am NOT okay with this. I turn back to Ryan. I hope he will help me. I hope he will tell his friend to back the hell off. But he just winks at me and leans in to kiss me again.

I try to pull back, but Ryan tightens his grip around my waist while Andrew slides his hands down between my legs. I'm only wearing my underwear and bra, and I hear Andrew saying Sssshh as he slides his fingers under the fabric, pulling them to the side, exploring, exposing. I arch my back and try to throw him off with my hips as I push against Ryan. I yell: STOP. DON'T, ANDREW! But Ryan is pulling me down onto the seat in the hot tub. He pushes me down, hard, and I hit my back against the concrete edge of the tub.

The pain makes me go limp for a second, and Andrew takes this moment to pull my legs farther apart. Ryan is trying to kiss me again.

FLASH—Ryan's hands on my breast, kneading, pawing, squeezing.

FLASH—Andrew's breath on my neck, his fingers pushing further and further inside of me.

FLASH—Their arms holding me down. Their mouths clamped over mine, stifling my shouts. Andrew laughing as Ryan steps in between my legs, forcing them open with his. Screaming. My heart racing, where is everyone? Is Blake coming back?

FLASH—Ryan flies sideways, splashing across the hot tub. Andrew wheels around. I yell out for help. I see a fist connect with Andrew's nose. Blood spurts into the water. Cam is standing in the hot tub, fully clothed. Astrid is pulling me up onto the side of the tub, covering me with a towel.

Andrew is scrambling backward out of the tub toward his clothes. Cam has Ryan by the throat, one fist has already landed, and his arm is drawn back again. Every muscle in his body is strained. Ross and Ian are there, too, and Blake and Lauren are running toward us. Everyone arrived at once.

I've never heard Cam curse like this before: If you ever fucking look at her again … If you fucking look at her sideways … If you fucking bump into her in the hallway, your ass is MINE.

Ryan and Andrew run out. The party's over.

Cam dragged me into the kitchen. Astrid and Lauren followed us in with my clothes. I saw Cam spot the mirror covered in cocaine that was sitting on the bar in the kitchen. Everything stopped. It was like somebody threw the brakes on a semitruck going 65 miles per hour down the highway. The whole evening jackknifed across Ian's dad's kitchen, then skidded to a halt.

Cam got quiet. Really quiet. He turned to Astrid and said, I have to take my sister home right now. I'm sorry. She just looked
at him and nodded. Lauren had helped me back into my clothes by this point. Cam looked at Ian and Blake and said, Who. Brought. The. Coke? One word at a time, like he might explode at any moment.

Everyone just stood there, silent. Cam grabbed my arm and said, We're out.

All the way home, he let me have it. What were you thinking? Do you know how dangerous coke is? He kept saying how he'd warned me about Ryan and Andrew, and that Lauren was a bad influence on me.

Then he said he was telling Mom and Dad.

I started sobbing, and begging. I told him that I'd do anything. He pulled the car into the driveway and turned it off, and we sat there for a minute. He told me to pull it together before we walked in just in case Mom was awake. I asked him how he was going to explain to Mom and Dad that he was wet from the waist down. He said he was going to tell them exactly what happened unless …

I said unless what?

He told me I had to stop. Everything. No more pot, or drinking, or pills, or anything. He said no more sneaking to Lauren's for cosmos with Astrid and Ross. They could come to our house for the next month, but that was it. If he saw anything going on, he'd tell Mom and Dad everything.

I felt desperate. I would've promised Cam ANYTHING to stay quiet. I felt my heart racing. I was so panicked that he'd tell Mom and Dad I'd done cocaine. I knew they wouldn't yell or scream. I knew they'd just look at me and tell me how disappointed they were with me. I couldn't face that. I couldn't stand to see the hurt in their eyes.

So I promised. I promised Cam that I would be done with it all.

That was late Friday night. Well, I guess it was early Saturday morning. Today is Sunday and I can't believe it's only been a day since all of this happened. From the back deck at Grams and Gramps's I can see a sailboat in the distance, a white blur against the bright blue sky. The boat seems so far away, sort of like Andrew and Ryan and what happened on Friday night.

Yesterday I just lay around with Lauren, feeling sick and sad. Somehow, today I feel numb.

Grams came out with a glass of iced tea for me. She's sitting next to me in the sun. Told me to keep writing, that it does her heart good to see how much I like it. Jeez. She'd fall over and die if she knew I was recording my first time doing cocaine and almost getting raped in a hot tub.

God. My life has become like a terrible Lifetime movie of the week.

Later …

We just got back from Grams and Gramps's. Lauren has been texting me all day. Ross is really worried about me. He's been hanging out with her today. Lauren wants me to come over and join them, but Cam is watching me like a hawk.

And you know something? I'm glad.

I'm glad I have a brother who was there for me on Friday night. I start crying every time I think of what would have happened if he hadn't shown up when he did.

I texted her back on the way home from Grams and Gramps's and told her that we'd regroup at lunch tomorrow with Cam. I leaned over and showed the phone to Cam before I pressed send. He read the text, then looked across the backseat and smiled at me for the first time since Friday.

Then I lay my head down on his lap and closed my eyes. I felt him put his hand on my arm and give me a little squeeze. We stayed like that for a long time, and when I opened my eyes again, we were pulling into our driveway back home.

September 26

We all made a pact today at lunch—Me, Lauren, Astrid, Ross: no more drugs. It was a fun experiment, but I'm done. It's just not worth it. Everybody agreed. Astrid said she was so glad that
Cam had shown up when he had. Lauren had tears in her eyes and said she was so sorry for even introducing me to Ryan and Andrew. Ross said that Ian and Blake felt really terrible and they are laying off the partying too.

Cam seemed satisfied, and it felt good. A clean start. It felt good to have everybody there at the table, and bonded together. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I wanted them all to like me so much that I never considered that they'd be okay with not drinking; that they'd want to hang out with me just for the friendship part.

I have to admit it'll be strange. Most times, we've all gotten stoned together. Ross had a great idea, though—this weekend we're all going to go do yoga together on Saturday. Ian is teaching a class on Saturday morning, and Cam is jazzed about getting back into it now that soccer is winding down.

I feel happy in that satisfied, contented way that makes it seem like everything is going to be all right.

October 1

We all went to Ian's yoga class this morning. It was hard after not having been there in a while. Ian says yoga is surgery without knives, and he's right! That's what it feels like.

Afterward Cam and I went shopping for Dad's birthday
(which is today!) We got him some running shorts and a running shirt, the kind that wicks the moisture off of your skin while you sweat. Dad likes to run on the path along the beach in the mornings before he goes to teach. I'm really glad that my dad is such a health nut. It makes me feel like maybe he'll be around for a long time. I never really think about how much I like my mom and dad until I think about them not being around, and that idea is so weird that it's hard to wrap my head around it. Dad is turning 47 today. He was 30 when I was born. That seems so crazy to me.

What will I be doing when I'm 30?

I can't really imagine past being in college. I mean, I can sort of imagine myself graduating from college, but then I'm not sure what it looks like after that. I like to think about having a boyfriend.

For some reason, when I wrote that last sentence, Mark flashed into my head. Yesterday in the hall he asked me how homecoming was. I said it was fine. I asked him how it was for him. He said he went home after the soccer game.