Lucy in the Sky (21 page)
Authors: Anonymous
Worse than that, I could've died. I could've killed someone.
I have to change.
Lauren's dad got a lawyer friend to argue her case. He's offered to have him argue for me and Ross as well. When Lauren's dad called my parents with his lawyer friend, he explained to them that since I failed the Breathalyzer test, my license would be suspended until I was 18 years old.
I'm totally screwed.
It's all over school. Cassie and Bethany have been total BITCHES to me and Lauren. Lauren keeps telling me that we'll get through it, but she's not the one whose license is suspended. She's not the one who will have to endure another YEAR of high school without a car.
Cam is really quiet around me now. He can barely look at Ross and Lauren. Mom has been checking my phone for texts or calls from Blake and Ian. I can barely text Ross and Lauren.
THIS IS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.
I've been trapped in the house every night and the weekend
and don't get to hang out with Lauren or Ross by myself. Mom and Dad walk around like somebody has died. I just want to SCREAM and shake them and say SNAP OUT OF IT!
I can't wait to get to school tomorrow.
I can't believe I just wrote that sentence.
When I pictured the way my Valentine's Day would go this year, it never involved going to court for a DUI. I knew my license would be suspended (it was), but nobody had told me about the REST of the punishment. Ross, Lauren, and I have to do 50 hours of community service AND we have to go to two AA meetings every week for the next two months.
AA stands for “Alcoholics Anonymous,” and I am mortified about having to go. I was serious about making a change and really becoming the person that I want to be, but I'm not a DRUNK. Yes, I like to have a cosmo with Lauren and Ross, and smoke a joint, or do a line every once in a while, but an ALCOHOLIC? I wanted to go back into the courtroom when I found out what that was and ask the judge, Do you REALLY think I'm a drunk? I mean, LOOK at me. My hair is FLAT-IRONED, for the love of God.
Anyway. We start AA and community service this weekend.
Later â¦
Oh, yeah.
Mark slid a valentine into my locker. It had Daffy Duck on it and reads, “I'm all QUACKED UP over U!”
Stellar.
[Rolling my eyes on paper.]
AA is so weird.
Ross and Lauren and I just sat there, staring. It's in the basement of this Catholic church around the corner from where Ross lives. Cam dropped me off and sat in the car with me until Lauren and Ross walked up. He said it was because he wanted to be supportive, but really I think it was because he was afraid I'd ditch, or get high with Ross and Lauren before we went.
Anyway, we have these little attendance sheets from the court that we have to get signed. Lauren wore tight jeans and a low-cut cashmere sweater and looked like something out of a magazine. She sidled up to this older guy who was telling people where to put the chairs when we got there and asked if he was the one in charge. He introduced himself and said that he was the secretary of the meeting. His name was Al. Lauren handed him our forms and asked Al if he would sign them. He
said that was the job of the person in charge of “court cards” and that we should drop them in the basket when it was passed during the meeting.
We did.
But man, oh man, did we have to sit through a lot of talking first.
They read all this stuff out of a notebook, and by they I mean all the people at this meeting who were my mom and dad's age. It was so weird. They'd see us and smile really big like it was SO GREAT that we were there and then come running up and introduce themselves and shake our hands. Then they'd say WELCOME! KEEP COMING BACK.
Ross told one of them, Oh, I will be so I can get this court card all filled up.
Anyway, the stuff they read out of the notebook was all this stuff about AA not being a religion, but then they all said a prayer together about having the strength to accept things and the courage to change things. Then this woman who must've been my grandma's age got up and talked about her life for 20 minutes. This woman used to keep a bottle of scotch in her GLOVE COMPARTMENT. She said she was late for her own wedding because she was drunk. By the end, her husband left her and her kids still don't talk to her.
But then the weirdest thing happened: She started crying
with this big smile on her face and she talked about how AA had saved her life. She said she'd met some woman who helped her work the steps (whatever that is) and that she had found a higher power that helped her stay sober because she couldn't do it on her own.
Then, after she was done speaking, they passed a basket around. They said there are no dues or fees for attending AA, but if you feel like it, you can give a couple bucks, and they use it to pay the church rent for letting them meet there. Most people put a dollar or two in the basket, and we all put in our court cards. Turns out they don't hand them back to you until AFTER the meeting. (TRICKY! That way you have to STAY for the whole thing.)
After the basket was passed all these people shared all sorts of things, mainly about how they either wanted to drink and didn't that week because they called somebody at the meeting, or because they prayed and the urge went away, or they read something in this blue book that everybody had called The Big Book, and it spoke to their heart and gave them the strength not to pick up a drink.
Afterward we finally got our cards and walked outside. Mom was supposed to come pick me up, but she'd texted me during the meeting that she was running 15 minutes late. I called Mom and told her we were done and that I was walking
over to Ross's apartment. She said she was on her way and would pick me up there.
We went up to Ross's room, and Lauren said that she didn't know if she could take another 15 AA meetings. I said it was the most religious nonreligious meeting I'd ever been to. Ross lit a bowl and passed it around to us.
And there was this weird thing that happened. As I reached for the pipe, I realized that I had this URGE to smoke weed. (And probably do whatever else I could.) I thought about what that lady said, about the urge being removed. I wondered if this was the urge she was talking about.
But it couldn't be, right? I mean, I'm not drunk every day. I'm not a mess. I haven't lost a husband, or been late to my own wedding. I mean, I'm not even 17 yet. This isn't even alcohol. How could I be an alcoholic?
I took a long, slow hit on the pipe and passed it to Lauren. She smiled and laughed and said that THIS was her idea of serenity.
God. What a way to spend a Friday night.
Lauren and Ross and I had to pick up trash on the side of the highway for 8 hours yesterday. It was my entire Saturday. I have to do homework all day today.
It. SUCKED. By the end of the day we were so bored and so tired that we all got kind of grouchy and stopped talking to one another.
I can't believe we have to do that for the next four weeks.
I'm so jealous that Ross got to go home and smoke pot.
I can't take it anymore. I just can't. Mom and Dad are treating me like a PRISONER. Cam is trying to “help” by taking me places with him and Astrid, as if I need a babysitter. I have to go to another AA meeting, and Mom is taking me this time. She said she wants to sit in on the meeting and see what's going on. So, of course, we won't get to go to Ross's tonight to smoke pot afterward. Or at least I won't. Lauren and Ross will, I'm sure.
Community service SUCKS. Today we picked up trash on the beach. It was FREEZING. We have to wear these little orange vests and we have these sticks to stab the trash and put it into bags. After lunch they moved us down onto one of the pedestrian bridges that takes you over the highway along the coast down to the beach. We had to scrub and paint over graffiti.
We were almost done when I saw a car pull up, and Ross said, Hey. That's Ian.
Lauren sauntered over to the window as Ian rolled it down and grinned out at us. Lauren talked to him for a second before our supervisor yelled at her to get back to work.
When she came back over, Ross asked her if she knew Ian was coming. She smiled and said that she'd texted him and that she had a surprise for us as soon as we were done. When we finished painting the wall, they took us back to the check-in office where my dad was going to pick me up. Lauren grabbed my hand and said, You better go to the restroom before you go home. She pressed a little plastic square into my hand and closed my fingers around it.
I knew what it was before I even looked. I was standing there holding a tiny bag of cocaine. Everything in my head screamed DON'T DO IT. But it was like my body couldn't resist. My heart was racing and I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. The excitement was delicious. Ross whispered that I should hurry, and I did.
I went to the bathroom and locked the stall door behind me. I poured a tiny pile of the white powder out of the Baggie onto the top of the toilet paper dispenser. Then I reached into my pocket and rolled up the receipt from the salad I'd bought at lunch. I stuck one end of the roll into my nose, held the other over the little pile of powder, and sniffed. The sniff echoed in the bathroom, and I flushed the toilet
before I sniffed again, just in case anyone was listening.
When I came back to where Ross and Lauren were standing, I saw my mom had pulled up. I hugged Lauren and slipped the Baggie back into her pocket. Mom got out of the car and asked Lauren and Ross what they were doing for dinner. They both shrugged. Mom told them to come over to our place at 7.
As we drove home, Mom looked at me and said that she thought I'd been doing really well with all of this, and that she was fine with Lauren and Ross being my friends as long as we hung out at our place.
I feel SO GUILTY now that Mom is trying to be so nice to me, and I was sitting there, high on cocaine! She was telling me what a good job I've been doing, and I'm just a total fraud! I have to tell Lauren and Ross that I'm not doing it anymore, but every time they have it around me, it's the ONLY THING I can think about.
I think I'm afraid of being bored. Actually, it's not so much boredom I'm afraid of. It's that I'm afraid of not having anything to look forward to. Getting to hang out with friends used to be enough. Then I met Lauren and Ross and it was hanging out with COOL friends who I could party with. It's
the excitement I miss. I miss knowing that Friday night we'd have cosmos. This guy in AA the other day said he'd been a periodic binge drinker. He used to go weeks and weeks without drinking and then he'd just get HAMMERED. I mean, that's what I did, I guess. I just don't know what's so wrong with it.
Besides the obvious, I guess? I mean, I did get a DUI.
AAARGH.
I just want to get drunk and smoke pot and do some blow with my friends and have it not be like this HUGE deal. My life wasn't RUINED. If I hadn't checked that text from Cam, no one would have even KNOWN about all of this.
I mean, I really DO want to have a good life. I want to be able to go to college, and maybe even grad school. (Dad's always going on and on about grad school.) But I'm not ready to NEVER DRINK AGAIN. I mean, my God, I'm not even in college yet, and what fun will college be if I can't drink and smoke pot?
THAT'S WHAT COLLEGE IS FOR! You work hard, you study hard, and you get to go to lots of parties and have a lot of fun. Every movie ever made about college is all about that.
I just feel so torn on the inside. I know that this hurt my family. I'm just not sure why. I mean, what does it matter to them if I decide to drink and snort some cocaine?
Speaking of colleges, we're going to look at Cam's college
next week over spring break. Lauren is going to New York for the week.
She's so lucky. I bet she's going to have a WILD time.
Dad is making this trip to Cam's college like a mini vacation. After we spend the weekend at the college, we're going to a really nice hotel. Cam likes the college. Yay.
UGH! Why can't I get excited about anything?
Cam got to sit in on some classes today and go to a soccer practice. He's all jazzed, and I can totally see how he's going to LOVE it here. I haven't seen him smile this much in a long time.
Astrid is with us, and she's thinking about coming to school here too. Although, I don't think her parents are wild about her moving. They want her to stay close and go to a college nearby. Cam says her mom thinks she is “following a boy.”
SEE? That's what I'm talking about.
Why do moms and dads always get so worked up about stuff like that? SO WHAT if Astrid wants to “follow a boy” to college. WHO CARES? I mean, she's going to college, right? So what does it matter? I'm going to go to college too. It's not going to hurt if I smoke a little weed, right?
Speaking of, there are TONS of weed shops up here. They are called “medical marijuana dispensaries” and the state has made it legal to get a PRESCRIPTION for marijuana. I knew that because I heard Ross talking about it with Ian and Blake one time, but I've only seen an actual store once.
While Cam was at soccer practice, Astrid and Mom and I went shopping at some of these cute little places in Berkeley, and we must have walked by 5 places where you could buy either pot, or pipes and bongs, and other stuff.
It made me miss Ross. He'd LOVE it up here.
I texted him a couple of pictures from my phone, but I haven't heard back yet. He said he was going to spend his spring break sitting in the hot tub at the hotel where his mom works. I'll bet he's getting BAKED in his truck before he does â¦
Lucky.
This has been a really exciting week.
