Luck of the Devil (23 page)

The pole connected with the side of Levi’s head, dropping him with a dull
thunk
.

His unconscious body sprawled across the floor, and a large dent above his ear where the pole had connected darkened.

“Oh, God, he’s not dead is he?”

“Nah.” Harold floated over him. “You might have cracked his skull and he’s probably got one hell of a concussion, but he’ll be fine.”

My hands shook so hard I let the pole drop, and it fell to the floor with a loud
clank
. I sat on the bed and clasped my hands in my lap, trying to stay calm and not start screaming. Hope looked between me and the body on the floor and sat down as well.

The door flew open and Jesus stood in the doorway, staring at us. “What the Hell happened here?”

“Faith just dropped her stalker like a bad habit,” Hope said.

“Harold helped,” I added.

“Harold?” Jesus asked.

“That would be me.” The ghost floated out of the shadows and stopped in front of J. “Sir? Your Highness? Um, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to call you.”

“J works. Joshua, if it’s a formal event. I try to keep the whole
Son of God
thing on the down-low.”

“I can see that,” Harold said. “But it must be a great way to meet women.”

“You would think, but surprisingly, no. Or at least not the type you want to take out more than once.”

“Huh.” Harold nodded. “I guess I can see that.”

“Not to ruin this bit of male bonding, but what are we going to do with Levi? Because Boris should be back any time now.”

“Boris was here?” Jesus asked.

Hope nodded. “He left to get everyone else so he can begin slaughtering us for our powers. That way he can rule in an orgy of power and wickedness.”

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen,” Jesus said, grabbing Levi’s arm and slinging him across his back in a fireman’s hold. “Give me one second to go next door and tell our military masterminds in the next room the good news that Faith can, in fact, handle things herself. Good job, by the way.”

“You okay?” Hope asked, and Harold floated closer.

“Yeah. No. I don’t know.”

“Never actually committed an act of violence before, have you?” Harold said.

“Does it get better?”

“It never did for me,” Harold said. “Two tours through Vietnam in the Medical Corps, and it still sucked as much on my last day as it did on the first.”

“It’s not supposed to get better,” Dad said. He and the Alpha walked through the door, Jesus trailing behind. “If it did, we’d be worried.”

“Where’s my idiot husband’s BFF?” Hope asked.

“We’ve got him tied up and hidden inside a pocket of Purgatory in the bathroom. We’ll deal with him at the appropriate time.”

“Deal with who?” Matt phased into the room with Tolliver and Lisa.

“I whacked your half-brother in the head with an IV pole and knocked him out. Now he’s tied up in a pocket of Purgatory inside Dad’s bathroom.”

“Great job, sweetheart,” Matt said, shooting me a terse smile. He stalked over to Boris and grabbed him by the collar. “So no one will mind if I get rid of this bastard?”

“Actually.” Hope hopped up off her bed. “I think this part is my prerogative. He is my husband, after all.”

She stomped on Boris’s left foot. “That’s for using me in an attempt to take over my father’s realm.”

“Damn it,” he said, clenching his teeth and hissing in pain.

“And this,” she said, and smacked him hard across the face, “is for ruining my life by making me actually fall in love with you.”

She jammed her knee between his legs and he doubled over with a groan. “And that’s for being a completely selfish and inadequate shit in bed! There’s something wrong with an incubus who can’t even manage one simple orgasm in nine years of marriage.”

“Are you done?” Dad asked, not bothering to hide his amusement.

“I think so,” she said, letting out a long breath. “Can I come back and beat up on him some more if I think of anything else?”

“Of course, dear,” the Alpha said. “What sort of uncle would I be if I didn’t allow you to express all of your feelings?”

“So are we all done here?” Dad smirked, nodding in approval. “That hospital bed is killing my back.”

“Well, I came here to tell you I managed to erase all of us from the computers and compelled the nurses into believing these two rooms were unavailable because they were being cleaned and painted. Then I saw the guards lying on the floor, but Faith had the situation completely under control,” Jesus said and pointed at me, with mock sternness. “Way to kill my thunder, demon girl.”

“It was so much easier before you invented computers,” the Alpha muttered and pointed at my dad. “‘Imagine the advances the world will make,’ you said. Yeah, it’s advanced the world to the point that we’re being held hostage by it.”

“Let’s just get out of here, huh?” Dad replied and smacked his brother on the back.

“Yes, please,” I said and pulled Matt into a hug.

“I’ll just go grab Levi, and we’ll deal with these two,” the Alpha said.

“I’ll defer to your judgment on this.” Dad nodded grimly and stepped close enough to grab Boris and fling him roughly over to Jesus. “We’ll have breakfast tomorrow?”

“Of course,” the Alpha said. “We’ll meet at Faith’s tomorrow morning at say, 8 a.m.? If that’s okay with you, Faith?”

“I think I could whip up some coffee and eggs, all things considered,” I said.

My father opened a phase portal between the hospital and my living room, ushering us all through. I stepped through and watched it close behind me, leaving the Alpha, Jesus, and Boris staring after us.

“I’m so glad I’m not my brother right now,” Matt said.

“I’ll second that,” my father said and sauntered over to my couch. He reclined across it, stretching his back. “But I think everyone could probably use a good night’s sleep. Your mother’s communing with the spirits to help promote our healing, so if you don’t mind, I think I’ll stay here tonight.”

“I’m out of here,” Hope announced suddenly.

“Us too,” I said and grabbed Matt’s hand, pulling him toward the front door.

“Where are you going?” My father sat up and stared at all of us. “Shouldn’t we be bonding?”

“Matt’s,” I said as I hurried out the door. “Because I really just can’t deal with anything else tonight. Especially bonding.”

“You’re telling me,” Matt murmured. He opened his front door and pulled me inside. “I think the best thing now is to go to bed, pull the covers over our heads, and forget this day ever happened.”

Chapter Twenty-eight

The next morning, I rolled over to talk to Matt. “I really don’t want to go over there.”

“You did promise the Alpha breakfast,” he said. “I don’t know what you think, but my gut reaction is He’s a guy you don’t back out of a breakfast meeting with.”

“He’s not.” I moved onto my back before pushing myself upright, and found my shoes. We’d both been so exhausted the night before, we’d kicked off our shoes and pulled the covers over our heads. He was snoring before I’d even gotten comfortable, and I don’t think I stayed awake much longer myself.

But I was still on the hook for breakfast. And my uncle wasn’t someone you bailed on without an exceptionally good reason.

“Do you want me to come with?” he asked, and sat up beside me. “To breakfast, I mean?”

“Do you want to come with?”

“That’s a very good question. And one I actually don’t know the answer to. Part of me says yes, because I just can’t wait to see what sort of craziness happens next, but the other part of me says no. It is breakfast with the Alpha and the Omega.”

“You’ve already had lunch with Dad,” I said, and shook my head at him before slipping on my left shoe.

“True,” he said, “and the next thing I know I ended up in the middle of a bunch of exploding cars during a plot to overthrow the balance of the universe, which ended with my half-brother and your former brother-in-law in the hands of a pissed-off immortal creature.”

“Would you believe me if I said it wasn’t an everyday occurrence?” I couldn’t help but smile as I leaned over to kiss him.

“I might, but you’re a demon, and therefore prone to lying to get your way,” Matt said and reached for his gray running shoes.

“But you’re coming, anyway?”

He pulled on both of his shoes without bothering to tie them and smiled. “You think I’d miss it?”

“There was always the possibility you’d back out.” Maybe this relationship thing wasn’t so bad after all.

“Never,” he said and grabbed my hand, pulling me through his apartment and out the front door. “But I would like a cup of coffee before the rest of them show up.”

I opened the door to my apartment with my free hand and smiled. “Consider it—”

“Shit,” Matt said.

My father and the Alpha sat on my couch, a box of Dunkin Donuts and two travel holders full of to-go coffee cups in front of them, trying their best to play Wii Mario Kart.

“That’s my lane!” the Alpha shrieked, and shoved Dad’s shoulder.

“Actually,” Malachi announced from his spot hovering behind them, “you’re in the wrong lane, sir.”

“Which sir?” Dad barked. Hellfire ignited in his hair.

“The Alpha, Your Highness. He is, in fact, in your lane.”

“The demon lies,” the Alpha said as His character crashed into a wall.

Dad beat Him across the finish line.

“Possibly,” Jesus said from the love seat, and drank from the coffee he was clutching, “but not about this. Oh, hello, Faith.”

“Hey, J. What’s up?”

“They are on their tenth straight hour of Mario Kart,” he said, his teeth clenched. “They sent me out for donuts when they got hungry because they didn’t want to stop long enough to eat a meal that would take away from their game.”

“Is the coffee fresh?” I said, smiling brightly as I walked to the couch where the donuts and coffee were wedged between Dad and the Alpha.

He nodded. “I just phased back in.”

“Down in front,” the Alpha roared.

“Well, if you wouldn’t keep it where I had to walk in front of you,” I said. “Besides, you’re between rounds.”

He arched His brow at me, daring me to say more.

“Well, that’s a bonus,” I said and poked around the open box. “Are all the donuts glazed?”

“There are two jellies and a Bavarian crème in your fridge. I thought I’d hide them for you before those two,” Jesus said and nodded to our respective fathers, “gobbled them down without a thought.”

“You’re an angel,” I said.

“You don’t have to be insulting because they didn’t have the Apple Spice,” he teased. He got off the love seat and joined Matt and me at the kitchen island. “I’d have been out of my skull with boredom last night if it weren’t for your ghost and the demon lord.”

“I’ll just grab the coffee,” Matt said.

When he reached for the travel holder of coffee in front of Dad, Satan smacked his hand. “You’re blocking my view.”

Matt snagged the coffee and quickly slid out of his way.

“What?” Dad said, with an indignant yelp.

“Play nice or I’ll shut it off.”

The Alpha snickered. “She told you.”

“Don’t gloat or I’ll shut you down as well. Do you two children understand me?”

“Hah hah,” Dad retorted.

“That’s it.” I stormed to the television set. “The Wii is being turned off now, and you boys will join the rest of us for breakfast.”

“What?” Dad shrieked.

I turned to see the Alpha and the Omega staring at me with wide, unblinking eyes.

Okay, so maybe not the best way to start the morning.

“Oh, thank you, Great Mother Gaia,” Mom said. She emerged from my bedroom, Harold floating behind her. “You’ve finally persuaded them to turn off that damn Wii. I had to hide in your room last night and read your journal, I was so bored. When that didn’t help, poor Harold tried to keep me entertained by telling me about all the horrible cases he saw working in the emergency room. I never knew there were so many things someone could stick up their—”

I gaped at the ghost. “Harold!”

“Noses,” my mother said. “What did you think I was going to say?”

My heart rate returned to normal. “Never mind.”

“I’m just shaking with anticipation to find out,” Malachi said.

I grabbed the box of donuts and the coffee from the couch and joined everyone else.

“Is it finally over?” Tolliver called, and stuck his head around the corner. “The long, dark night of Mario Kart has officially ended and the rest of us can join the land of the living.”

“We weren’t that bad,” the Alpha said.

“Oh, yes you were,” Jesus replied.

The Alpha smirked. “No one asked you.”

“Anyway,” I cut in as Lisa and Tolliver joined us around the island and grabbed cups of coffee. “What did I miss last night after we bailed?”

“Nothing.” Dad shrugged and shoved an entire glazed donut into his mouth. “We played Mario Kart.”

“We should get married,” Tolliver said.

We all turned to stare at him and Lisa.

He dropped to one knee in front of her and took her left hand in his. “Marry me?”

“Um?” Lisa looked at him in confusion. “Excuse me? What?”

“I was so worried yesterday. About you. What would I have done if you would have died?”

“I can’t die. Remember? You’re the one who turned me.”

“It’s a good thing, too, because you would have died otherwise. I’m so completely in love with you that I can’t even contemplate having eternity without you, and I’d watch those girl movies where everyone talks about their feelings and they kiss all the time. We should get married. Really. Marry me.”

“Okay,” she said slowly.

“Okay?”

She nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

“You mean yes, right?”

“Yes, I’ll marry you.”

“You will?”

“She said yes already,” I said and nudged my brother’s shoulder with my hip. “Now give her the ring.”

“Ring? I don’t have a ring. Oh crap, I forgot a ring.”

“It’s okay,” Lisa said with a smile and stuck her left hand out. “We’re demons. I’ll just conjure up exactly what I want.”

“Allow me,” Tolliver said, taking her hand and kissing it. Her skin glowed with Hellfire, and when he pulled his lips away, it returned to normal, except for the ring.

“Give it,” I said.

Lisa held her left hand up to show off the three-carat princess-cut diamond set in platinum.

“Oh wow,” Mom said. “That is lovely. Isn’t it, honey?”

“Isn’t it what?” Dad asked, turning to her before looking back at us.

“Lisa’s ring,” I prompted and waved her hand at him. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

“Oh yeah, it’s great,” he said. “Very lovely, sweetheart.”

“Louis,” Mom said in her overly patient
You’re Starting to Piss Me Off
tone.

“What?” Dad looked at her, dumbfounded, and shoved more donut into his mouth.

“It’s a beautiful engagement ring, from your son to Lisa. The human girl he turned into a demon without her permission. While she was drunk. Remember?”

Dad swallowed and narrowed eyes at Tolliver. “Oh, right, we never did get around to discussing that.”

“Aren’t you glad we didn’t?” Tolliver tried to smile. “Just think, if Lisa had been mortal yesterday, she would have died. Being a demon, she’s safe and sound.”

“That’s true, and I am exceedingly happy about your survival—don’t think I’m not, Lisa—but there are still rules in place for a reason, son.”

“I think this can be handled very simply,” the Alpha said. “There are rules in place and very clear guidelines for when those rules have been broken. Lisa has to be given back her mortality and a punishment must be laid on Tolliver. Since he’s your son, would you allow me?”

“Be my guest,” Dad said.

Tolliver paled. I couldn’t help wonder if he knew what they had done to Boris and Levi last night. Who was I kidding? Of course, he knew what they had done last night.

The Alpha looked at Lisa and snapped his fingers. “You’re human again. You are sober right now, aren’t you?”

“Yes.” She stared at Him.

“And you want to marry this little pipsqueak?” He pointed at Tolliver.

“More than anything.”

“And do you think it’s probably best if you’re both immortals when the wedding takes place?”

“Probably,” Lisa said.

“So you want to be a demon?”

“If it means I can be with Tolly,” she said, and took Tolliver’s hand in her own.

“What sort of demon were you?” the Alpha asked.

“She was a very incompetent succubus,” Malachi said. “She kept killing men by accident because she thought they were an all-you-can-eat buffet.”

“Like me,” Harold added.

“I see.” The Alpha nodded and scratched His chin. “A succubus isn’t a good idea. Not that it would be, with the whole marriage thing. How about a general demon of mischief?”

“Confusion and General Unhelpfulness,” I suggested.

Hope phased into the kitchen and snagged a donut. “Not too many people would notice a change.”

“Perfect.” The Alpha slapped His hand against the counter and pointed at Lisa. “You are now a demon of Confusion and General Unhelpfulness. Go forth and screw up the days of mere mortals by tying them up in confusing directions, pointless policies, and miles of bureaucratic red tape. Now for Tolliver’s punishment. Let’s see… ”

“Whatever you decide is worth it,” Tolliver said, and kissed Lisa’s cheek.

“I’ve got it.” The Alpha snapped His fingers again. “You must do everything you’re darling new wife says from the moment I pronounce you man and wife until the midnight bell rings on your first anniversary.”

“You?” Lisa repeated. “You’re going to marry us?”

“Well, yes,” He said. “Your family is rather religious, and I know they’ll want a wedding. I just assumed you’d rather Tolliver’s family priest preside over it, in his family’s church.”

“But we don’t have a… ” Tolliver trailed off.

“I don’t want to know, do I?” Lisa asked.

“Pick any church from all of history and I will replicate it for you on your wedding day, right here in Pittsburgh. And since it’s mine, there won’t be any of that pesky erupting into flames of hellfire business when you step foot inside like there would be in a regular sanctuary.”

“Okay,” Lisa agreed. “Can I get back to you about what I want?”

“Take your time,” He assured her. “I’m not on a deadline. Now moving on, I believe we agreed on Hope’s punishment last night.”

“Punishment?” Hope looked at Dad with wide eyes. This couldn’t be good. “What punishment?”

“For stealing another person’s powers, putting the family in danger, and thinking only of yourself,” Dad said, reaching for another donut.

Mom grabbed his wrist and shook her head. “You’ll get fat.”

“Fine,” he said with a huff.

“Can we get back to business now?” the Alpha asked.

“Oh, please do,” Dad said. He coughed into his fist, and I knew he was holding back evil chuckles.

“You, Hope Elizabeth Bettincourt, may no longer do evil,” the Alpha announced. “Your powers of wickedness are stripped from you.”

“For how long?” She breathed fast and heavy. If she wasn’t careful, she would start hyperventilating.

“I think you’ve done enough wickedness for at least two mortal lifetimes. What do you think, brother?”

“Two sounds about right,” Dad agreed. “I could agree to two.”

“That settles it. Hope Elizabeth Bettincourt, you are forbidden from doing evil for two average mortal lifetimes. Say seventy-five years apiece? One-hundred fifty total? That should about do it.”

“I think I’m going to be sick.” Hope whimpered and gripped the kitchen island, swaying alarmingly.

“It’ll be fine,” Mom said and patted her back. “Just think how busy you’ll be helping to plan both Lisa’s and my weddings. You’ll be so distracted you won’t even think about doing evil.”

“I’m definitely going to be sick,” Hope announced, and a phase portal opened. She hurried through it, back to her apartment.

“And don’t worry, dear,” Mom said, turning to Lisa. “Your future father-in-law and I are keeping things small and dignified so there’s no reason to fear that our wedding will overshadow yours.”

Lisa raised her eyebrows at me. Small and dignified for my mother would mean a three-ring circus. What did she have in mind for Lisa?

“Why are you having a wedding?” the Alpha asked. “You’re already bonded.”

My mother narrowed her eyes. “What?”

“That night at the pizza place,” He said. “What was it? Your third date? Fourth? The one where you told the Omega you didn’t believe in sex before marriage?”

“Fourth date,” Dad said. “I remember that one pretty well. I convinced her that you could bond us and we’d be married.”

“Exactly,” the Alpha said. “You swore to love and cherish each other for all time. So I bonded you. And you paid the tab and went back to her place. Scared the crap out of her roommate, too, when she saw the wings and the horns the next morning. I had to do a complete mind wipe on her. Do you know she’s now a nun in Boston? She doesn’t remember anything, but I’ve always thought the two circumstances might be related.”