Loving Sarah (40 page)

“That’s not what I wanted. I wanted more. I wanted what my parents had. My father loved my mother and mourned her until his own death. It also certainly doesn’t appear to be the way you were raised either. Love is the core that holds your family together. Though my father loved me, when he looked at me he saw my dead mother. It was hard for him to show affection, but I loved him anyway. He was my father.” Ian remembered the day his father told him he’d have to go to Scotland without him. He’d argued at first, and in the end cried, because he was a child who didn’t want to go to the place where he knew he was not going to be loved and wanted as he was with his father. “When I turned twelve, he sent me to live with my grandfather so I could receive what he called a
proper
education, as I was going to inherit my grandfather’s title one day. After I’d gone, my father was dead within the year.”

He pushed away from the post and began to pace the gravel walk in front of where she sat, upset that in her desire to get answers to her questions she’d brought him to the point of frustration and anger. “You asked me once what drives me. I’ll tell you. It’s the fact that my grandfather disowned my father for loving the daughter of a servant. My father probably added fuel to that fire by marrying my mother, but he loved her very much. I witnessed their affection and his mourning.

“I was a small boy when my mother died. When she did, father sent letters to her family and to his, informing them of his loss.” Ian stopped in front of Sarah and looked her in the eye. “Mother’s family sent their condolences. But do you know what his own father did?” Her eyes grew wide and frightened. “He sent the letter back unopened, making the cut permanently irrevocable.

“This society in which you live places more value on status than on love. My father loved my mother, but his father refused to acknowledge their union. They were forced to leave rather than be a constant humiliating reminder to his father.

“When I took possession of Father’s belongings, I found among them a letter from my grandfather. In it, he stated we were no longer his kin.” In Ian’s opinion, there was no repairing a tie that no longer existed.

“He was angry, Ian. Your father is no longer alive, and the man who wrote that letter no longer exists. You do not know each other.”

“That doesn’t matter, because the damage has been done. From that moment, I have been determined to be successful in my own way. I was forced to come here, will be forced to accept a title I’d rather not have. After studying the courses he chose for me to study, I wanted to go into trade. So I did. He sent a letter to me, through my Aunt Royce, in which he railed at me for not taking the post he’d arranged for me with the naval command designing war ships. The same post he wanted my father to take before he left for America.” Ian closed his eyes and shook his head, surprised to this very day at the audacity of the man he had to call grandfather. “The irony was not lost on me.” Ian dropped his head as he rest against the post. He squeezed the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, wishing the past didn’t have the influence it still did in his life. “Yes. I wanted to hurt him, for the pain he caused my father and mother, for the cruel things he said to me as a child. And I did that by doing the exact opposite of what he expected of me.”

Sarah’s expression softened, and when she spoke, her voice held all of the compassion he’d never received from any relative he’d ever had. “You have both done your best to hurt the other it seems. Now you must let go of that pain, my love, or it will consume you until you’re as bitter and angry as he was.”

“She’s right, you know.”

Ian’s head snapped up, and he searched the long, narrow room for the owner of the familiar voice he still heard in his nightmares.

C
HAPTER
N
INETEEN

S
arah rose and went to the man she hoped her husband would forgive for his past cruelties and abuses toward Ian and his family. Holding out an arm, she supported him as she led him to the bench she’d just vacated.

The man hobbled slowly. He was frail, his skin had a translucent gray pallor. Frankly, he’d seen dead men who looked better than his grandfather at that moment. His oft-repaired serviceable clothing appeared far too large for his skeletal frame, and with the wheezing sounds he made, Sarah wondered if he’d even live to see another week.

This truly was his last wish, just as he’d said when he’d arrived.

“What is he doing here?” Her husband’s voice was filled with venomous hatred that had been stewing inside him for many years. His rigid stance showed no compassion. Sarah was surprised at Ian’s vitriol toward his grandfather, even after seeing his morbid condition.

“I invited him to stay the summer with us.” She would have to set the ground rules now for them both. “Your grandfather is a guest in our home, Ian, and you
will
be kind to him.”

“You’re named after me you know.” The old man sat on the bench. “Ian Alexander. I might have been angry with your father for marrying beneath him, but I knew all along he’d be the son to give me the first heir to the title.” The old man held Ian’s attention. “Your uncle and I were similarly afflicted, you see.”

Sarah didn’t know what his affliction was, but the most important thing she wanted to have happen right now was to get Ian to see the old earl was harmless and held none of the control over his life that Ian had imagined.

“Then it’s no wonder my father left the home,” Ian spewed. “He likely feared catching your ‘affliction’ as well.”

“Ian!” Sarah felt her cheeks flame for her husband’s rude behavior. “My lord, I am sorry….”

“Bah!” The old earl brushed off Ian’s words. “I deserve some of his hostility, but he’ll have to hear me out now because I’m going nowhere until he does.” He then looked up at Ian who still leaned against the post. “Take the gloves off lad, come on. I am old, near death, and cannot do you a bit of harm.”

“Sarah,” —she lifted her gaze to Ian— “if I promise not to kill him, will you leave us?” The only reason she might consider it was because Ian’s stance was less defensive now and more guarded.

“I will do what your grandfather wishes.”

The old man gave a slight, almost imperceptible, nod of agreement. “You might not wish to hear it all, lass.”

“Ian, do not hurt him,” His wife whispered harshly to him as he held her elbow and escorted her down the finely graveled path to the glass doors that opened to an interior hallway of the home he’d yet to see. “He’s your grandfather and he wants to reconcile with you before he dies. It is his final wish. Do not disrespect him.”

He wanted to choke on that. Sweet, innocent Sarah had no idea what a cruel man her grandfather could be. Ian needed to hear him out and do whatever was necessary to get him out of this house.

After the door was firmly closed behind her, he walked back to where the old man sat upon the bench. He’d grown dramatically thinner and much older in the ten years since Ian had last seen him. Ian was willing to even acknowledge that the man might, indeed, be ill. If that was the case, then he did likely risk his health traveling here.

He returned to the post and leaned against it again, rather than sit next to the old man. “Did my father know of your
affliction
, as you call it? Because I’m trying to imagine the agony he felt knowing he was dying and that the only male family member he had to send his only child to was a sodomite.”

His grandfather slumped forward onto his cane, which he’d placed between his knee and his prosthetic. The old man sighed heavily as though he were Atlas and the weight of the world was finally rolling off his shoulders. “He did not know. My two wives did not know either. I found out about Trahern a few years after his death when his
friend
began to blackmail me. He was going to tell the entire naval command about your uncle. At first, I feared he knew about me as well, but found out later he did not.

“After many years of giving this blackguard every penny I could squeeze out of my estate, my lifelong…friend, Morgan, put an end to it for me. He used his connections to discover who the blackmailer was, and the man was finally stopped.”

Ian didn’t know whether to believe him. There were many questions he still had. “Is that why you quit paying for my education? Do you know what a burden that placed on my aunts? Your own daughters?”

“I know you think it was because I was angry when you’d arrived early and witnessed…what you did. But, God’s truth, by this time I had nothing left.” The man broke into a fit of coughing, and when he got it under control, he continued. “You saw the condition of the home that day. There were no servants except those who were unable to find work elsewhere.”

“You’re thugs….”

“On my honor, I swear they were there to protect you. You were
always
protected until the day you left your studies.” The old man sounded sincere.

“Why didn’t you say so? Why let me fear them?”

“Perhaps I was wrong to do it as I did, but those men were loyal to me and would have died to protect you, my sole heir.”

Ian spent most of his life hating this man for his actions, and now here this man was, near death and begging for understanding and forgiveness. How could Ian believe this man after all of the bullying and horrible things he’d said about Ian’s parents?

“You said things about my mother—things I would have called you out for had I been older. She loved my father and he adored her.”

“Second son or no, he should never have married against my wishes. Your mother was beneath him. I stand by that.” Ian was about to interrupt him when his grandfather stopped him. “When I was enamored of the bottle, I perhaps said many cruel things, all of which I ask your forgiveness. I knew no other way to raise a young man than to make him a hardened, battle-ready officer. It’s how I was raised. I thought I was doing what was right.”

The old man wheezed and took a moment to collect his breath before he could continue. “I need to know that you forgive me before I die, because I will likely not make the return to Edinburgh.”

Ian didn’t know what to think. Everything he had thought was true was not, and the man he had thought despised him actually cared for him. What was he to do now?

“Morgan died last year.” His grandfather’s emotions caused him to choke on his words. “I miss him terribly. He was…the best friend a man could have for over sixty years. What you walked in on that day was not shameful or abominable. It was the two of us showing our love for each other. You never should have seen it, as I had no warning that you would arrive early.”

The two men were silent a long time. Ian wondered how he could ever resolve the image in his head of that day as anything close to loving. It wasn’t what he imagined when he thought of love and making love with Sarah. That was abhorrent and….

“I can see you are still having issues resolving that in your mind,” the earl said. “But know that I never loved anyone as much as Morgan, and you are the only person alive to know this.”

S
arah paced the hallway just outside the orangery, waiting for either one of them to come out first. She assumed it would be her husband. She didn’t expect to see them both, the earl hanging on to her husband’s arm. The sight brought tears to her eyes. She couldn’t imagine her husband not forgiving a dying man, because she knew at his core Ian was a good person, no matter his previous hardships. Somewhere in his past he’d learned compassion.

She smiled at them both and let them pass by her as she followed them into the foyer, where the earl had two servants waiting to carry him up the steps in his sedan chair.

When the earl was at the top of the landing, Ian strode out of the front doors so quickly she had a difficult time catching up to him.

“Ian stop, please,” Sarah called out as she ran after him. He did not turn around, so lost was he in his pain that he likely could not hear her calling. He’d gone so far down the drive that he almost reached a back gate that led to a field. When he finally did stop, Sarah was winded and leaned against the nearest tree, doubled over trying to catch her breath.

“Why didn’t you call for me?” He came to her and led her a few feet into the woods. Finding a fallen tree, he then sat upon it and brought her down onto his lap.

Sarah attempted to slow her racing heart and her heaving breath. “I did. Several…times.”

“I should be very angry with you, springing him upon me as you did.” Even though his voice was stern, he cradled her in his arms protectively.

She met his warm gaze and knew his heart was confused. Rather than defend her actions, she said, “When we spoke yesterday, after he recovered somewhat from his travels, he told me his last wish was to ask for your forgiveness. He admitted he did not deserve it, but he wanted to apologize and explain.

“He readily admits he made mistakes. But he would like a clear conscience and lighter burden to carry as he passes from this world to the next.”

Her husband turned his head away as he collected his emotions.

“Ian, you can forgive him or not, that’s between you and God. But he deserves your compassion, if not your respect.”

He was silent for a while, then nodded. “It will just take me a while to get used to not hating him. That’s all I have known. None of the things I believed about him were as I thought. And I’m trying to…sort out how I feel about it all now.”