Loving Rowan (9 page)

If I knew her at all, I knew she’d feel guilty at being envious of Charlie, at falling out with her, at feeling left out at the wedding. None of that was fair because they hadn’t been fair to her. The trick was making her see that.

We sat, entangled in each other until she fell asleep in my arms. Tonight had been the night we were going to make love for the first time. Instead, I carried my devastated girlfriend to bed, where I placed her gently between the sheets before stripping down and climbing in beside her.

When I put my arm over her, she nestled into me. She snuggled up so close, and all I wanted to do was kiss her and take her pain away. I watched her sleep until I was too tired to keep my eyes open. This was going to be tough to get through, but whatever she needed from me, it was hers.

I
n the morning
, she was still asleep when I woke, and I traced a pattern through her freckles until her eyes flickered open. She smiled at me, still half-asleep. “Good morning,” she murmured.

“Good morning.” I kissed her tenderly, and she wrapped her leg around mine, pulling me towards her.

I laughed, raising an eyebrow. “What are you up to?”

“You’re warm.”

Her face changed as the memory of the night before hit, and I could see the grief in her eyes as she lay there, just looking at me.

“It really happened, didn’t it?”

I nodded. “It did, sweetheart.”

“I just can’t imagine a world without Charlie in it. And on their honeymoon. Andrew must be devastated.”

I put my palm to her cheek. “I’m sure he is. Come here.”

She moved into my arms, and I kissed her deeply, her hand stroking my hair.

“I’m glad you’re here,” she whispered, kissing my chest.

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else right now. Rowan, whatever you need, I’m here.”

She looked up at me. Her eyes were so sad and I just wanted to kiss the pain away. “I just need you.”

And then she began to cry again.

I
felt empty
. Like there was nothing left to feel inside; I’d used up all my emotions and had nothing left to give. My life had gone from this joyous discovery that Kyle loved me, and that we were going to be happy, to the depths of depression as my heart broke with Charlie’s death.

Poor Kyle. We were so close to making love for the first time, and that phone call had changed everything. But how could it not?

My Charlie was dead.

The time I’d spent with her before the wedding meant all the more to me now. We had renewed our friendship, even if I’d felt left out at the event itself. She cared enough to ask me my opinion when it mattered to her, and now she would never be able to return the favour.

I was lost in a sea of grief, and the only person who truly understood was Andrew. He was as broken-hearted as I was, and we started spending time together as we both recovered from our terrible loss.

Kyle stood by me through the funeral. He held me when I cried, and loved me, even though there was more distance between us than there was when we’d first met. This was as hard on him as it was on me, and our relationship came to a grinding halt rather than advancing as it had been.

We would get through this together. Despite everything, our love had grown all this time, and was solid enough that nothing could shake it.

Kyle was so sweet and understanding as I spent more time with Andrew, helping him adjust to a life without Charlie.

But that had to end; Andrew had to take care of himself. I had my own life to get on with.

T
hree weeks had passed
since Charlie had died, and I still couldn’t reconcile my thoughts. We’d had our ups and downs, but I still loved her. In the end, I always would.

Being busy at work helped keep my mind off things, but when I got home, I’d wallow in self-pity, or go and see Andrew, who was suffering so much.

Kyle and I would catch up over coffee in the mornings, and he brought the only sunshine into my life. His frustration was obvious, and I was painfully aware there had to be an end to his patience, but I was in such a black hole, the other side was to hard to see. I had to shake it off somehow, and yet it was just so hard. Dad always said I felt everything so deeply, and this was the most difficult thing I’d ever been through.

When Kyle didn’t turn up for coffee, I went looking for him. He was so punctual, so attentive, it worried me that he hadn’t come.

He sat in the lunch room, laughing at something that Angela, the hot sales rep, had said. I watched as she sat across the table, flicking her hair through her hands as she flirted with my boyfriend. A searing hot pain stabbed my chest, as I watched. What if he was no better than any other man? My heart in torment, I wanted to run away, but something kept me there, mesmerised as this beautiful woman teased and joked with the man I was in love with.

Turning away, I took a deep breath.
I want to go back to my office to cry
. That’s how I would have handled it before Kyle, but now? I exhaled, closing my eyes and summoning the courage to enter the room. He was worth fighting for; we were worth it.

He turned as I came in the door, and the smile in his eyes told me everything I needed to know. I was panicking over nothing.

“Hey, beautiful,” he said, his entire focus on me. Angela stopped mid-sentence, staring at me with such disdain that my torment turned to satisfaction. He was mine.

“I went to make our coffee, but the machine needed to do its cleaning cycle first. It’s just about finished.” He reached for me, pulling me towards him and wrapping his arms around my waist. My heart pounded as I bent to kiss him.

“What have you been doing this morning?” he asked.

“Taking a look at an update for the new system. I’ll be putting it in place after everyone goes home,” I said.

He grinned. “We can talk tonight. I’ll make dinner if you want to sample my cooking. I hear it’s pretty good.”

“Let’s get coffee and go back to my office.”

“Anything you want.” His eyes were fixed on me as if I were the only person in the room. Angela sat, forgotten on the other side of the table, and just looked awkward, as if she were interrupting something.

I carried the coffee back to my office, placing it on the desk so I could hug Kyle. In his arms, I felt safe, all my earlier fears gone as his love was on display, right in front of me.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispered. “Meeting for coffee isn’t enough.”

“I know. The past few weeks have been so tough, but I’m not going to make myself better by neglecting you. Not when I love you so much,” I said, squeezing him tight.

“I just needed to hear those words.” He smelled so good, that musky scent of his aftershave so familiar, I just wanted to lose myself in him. Now we could get back on track, and
that
would finally happen. It felt like we’d been waiting forever.

“So, dinner tonight?” he asked.

“Yes, but a bit later than normal dinnertime, if that’s okay. Once I get this update out of the way.”

“You could show up at midnight and I’d be ready and waiting for you,” he said, laughing. “I just want us to get our shit together.”

“I just want to get back to how we were. I never meant to neglect you.”

Kyle lifted his hand to my face, stroking my cheek as I closed my eyes. “I love you, Rowan. More than I ever thought was possible. Through everything, I know I can depend on you, that your heart belongs to me.”

I nodded.

“As mine belongs to you,” he whispered, lifting my face to kiss me. I opened my eyes to his. They were smiling, and telling stories of his love for me.

No more words required.

I
ended
up working later than I’d expected, as everything went so slowly. I kept calling Kyle to update him, and he sounded more and more tired, but was so understanding.

Finally, I got out just after 10pm, and raced to his place. He wasn’t answering his phone, and I assumed he’d left it somewhere random. It wouldn’t have been the first time. I knocked on the door, and when there was no answer, I unlocked it with the key he’d given me.

He was fast asleep on the couch, snoring softly. I shook my head, smiling. He looked so comfortable, I couldn’t bear to wake him. I shook my head, remembering how I’d fallen asleep on the way home from the wedding. He’d taken care of me then, as I would take care of him now.

I went to his bedroom, and grabbed a blanket from the bed. It smelled of him, and I held it up, inhaling his scent, and smiling as I placed it over his body.

Maybe tonight hadn’t worked out how we’d planned, but there were plenty of other nights to come. Dinner was already in the refrigerator; it would keep until tomorrow when I made it up to him. I fished a pen out of my bag, found a napkin and wrote him a note to let him know I had shown up. For a moment, I tossed up whether to just hop in his bed, but I was tired and wanted to shower, not to mention that all my clean clothes were back at my apartment. At least it wasn’t far to go home.

I hadn’t been home long when there was a knock on the door. I grinned, thinking of Kyle waking and reading the note. Maybe he couldn’t wait until the morning.

Andrew stood in the doorway, looking tired and disheveled. “Can I come in, Row?”

“I guess. Sure.”

I hid my disappointment as I let him in.

He sat on the couch as I went to the kitchen to make coffee. “Want one?”

“That’d be great,” he said. “Hey, can I crash here? I hate being in the apartment without Charlie, and a change of scene for the night might help.”

“Um yeah, sure. You can sleep on the couch.”

He smiled. “Thanks. I really appreciate it.”

Following me into the kitchen, he stood behind me while I made coffee. “How are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m okay. Trying to get back to normal.”

“I don’t know if anything will ever be normal again,” he said.

I handed him his coffee, leading him back to the living room. Sitting on the couch, I sighed as I took a sip, relieved to be finished work for the day, but missing Kyle.

“Are you still with Kyle?” he asked. These past weeks, we’d barely talked about anything other than Charlie.

I nodded. “We were meant to have this evening together, but I ended up working. I’ll see him tomorrow.”

“Is he good to you, Row?” He looked so sad as he asked.

“He’s amazing. Loves me a lot.”

We sat and sipped our coffee in silence, and when it was gone, I stood, taking his cup and placing them in the kitchen sink.

I left him with a pillow and a blanket, and climbed into bed for a good night’s sleep. My mind drifted to Kyle; his hand on my breast, telling me how beautiful I was … No one had ever done that. If only the work this evening had gone smoother, maybe I would be at his place in bed with him right now.

Reaching between my legs, I stroked my clit, rubbing it as I thought of him touching me. I stroked my breast with my free hand, feeling the nipple come to life at the thought of that man making love to me.

“Rowan?”

I froze. The blankets were over me, so he couldn’t have seen what I was doing.
Shit.

“I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about Charlie. Can I get in bed with you?”

“Andrew, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

He climbed in beside me before I could protest. “I’ll stay over this side, I promise.”

I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was after midnight. I should call Kyle to let him know Andrew was here, but he would probably still be fast asleep.

“Fine, whatever. But you stay on that side of the bed.”

I kept my back to him, staying as far to the edge of the bed as possible. Before long, I felt his arm over me, as he pulled me back towards him.

“Rowan.”

Reluctantly, I turned onto my back to look at him. There was moonlight coming through a gap in the curtain, and I could see the tears on his cheeks.

“I miss her so much,” he said.

“I know. I miss her too.”

Before I could process what he was doing, he was on top of me, his tongue in my mouth, and I pushed him as hard as I could. He was heavy, and in a panic, I slid out from underneath him.

“Get off me,” I screeched, breaking away and leaping out of bed. “Your wife has only been dead a few weeks.” My heart raced, and I held my hands up to show him to stay away.

“I need you, Rowan. I need you to help me feel better. I know you love me.” He was on his knees, crawling towards me.

I shook my head, walking out to the living room to get on the couch myself.

“Rowan?”

“Just go the fuck to sleep, Andrew. You can leave in the morning.”

I
rubbed my eyes
, trying to get rid of that first-thing-in-the-morning blurriness. I’d been woken by a knock on the door, and whoever it was knocked again before I got there.

Kyle stood in the doorway with a bag of bagels in one hand and flowers in the other.

“I thought seeing as we missed each other last night, I’d treat you to breakfast.”

I laughed. “That sounds great.”

And then his eyes weren’t smiling anymore as the flowers and bagels dropped to the floor. He wasn’t even looking at me, but over my shoulder. Confused, I stared at him. “Are you okay?”

I turned. Andrew stood in the doorway of my bedroom, clad only in boxers.

“What the hell?” Kyle said.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I said. But Kyle wasn’t even listening to me.

“Hey, Row, are you coming back to bed?” Andrew smirked, and I shot him the filthiest look I could muster.

“You are disgusting,” I said. “Kyle, please. I slept on the couch. We didn’t even …”

I turned back towards the door. He was gone.

“Shit.” I ran out to the lifts, pressing the buttons wildly to follow him. Why is it that when you’re in a hurry, the elevator never comes? It seemed to take forever to get to the building lobby, and I ran out to the front of the building, dressed in my nightgown and trying to find the man I loved.

“Kyle,” I yelled, unable to see him anywhere. He was gone, and my whole world crumbled beneath me. I felt ill at what he’d seen, what he believed had happened. Andrew hadn’t helped. As soon as I was back upstairs, he would be gone from my life. For good.

I ran back inside, ignoring Andrew and digging through my bag for my mobile. I hit redial; the only person I called these days was Kyle, but all it did was ring until it went to voicemail.

“Hey, please call me when you get this. It wasn’t what it looked like. I need to talk to you and hear you’re okay. Please call me, Kyle. I love you.”

I felt Andrew’s hand on my shoulder. “If he loved you, he would have waited for an explanation.”

Never in my life had I felt so much rage. It ran over me like a hot wash and I could feel my body tensing with the anger building in me.

“Get the fuck out of my apartment; get out of my life. I don’t ever want you near me again,” I screamed.

He went pale, backing away from me as I spat the words.

“This isn’t you, Row. Look at what’s happened to you since you’ve been with him. You never used to act like this, talk like this. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say a bad word in your life.”

“I was loved,” I yelled. “I was loved and wanted, which is more than you ever gave me. All I got from you was teasing, and I was stupid enough to fall for it. All these years you never wanted me; you still don’t want me. You’re just trying to fill the gap. I am sorry that Charlie died, I loved her too. But I am not going to just run when you click your fingers. Not anymore.”

I was trying to breathe through the tears that were falling. He just stood there, looking at me as if he didn’t know me, and I realised he never really knew me at all. All those years I had been in love with the dream of him. The real Andrew wasn’t what I wanted.

All my life I wanted to be what Charlie was. Beautiful. I never felt that way when it was the three of us. Only Kyle had ever made me see a side of myself I didn’t know about. Kyle made me feel as if I were the most beautiful woman in the world, and he was my future. If he didn’t call me back I didn’t know what I would do.

Finally, Andrew turned back towards the bedroom to get changed, leaving without a further word while I rocked on the couch. Loving Andrew had screwed up my life. Now, just when I was moving on and starting something new, he had screwed that up.

I felt nothing for him.