Loving Hart (7 page)

I could
n't help but to be a little tentative at first, be
cause it was
my first kiss.  The beauty
of it was that I was experiencing it
with the person I love most in the world.

My body wa
s tingling and pulsing i
n new
ways as the kiss got
deeper.
The minutes pass
ed
as we gently kiss
ed
, our tongues sliding together so softly
it made
me dizzy. 
Shifting, I pull
ed him with me as I fell back onto the bed. He gave the slightest pause, and I knew he was
just on the edge of stopp
ing.  With a little moan, I took my hands and slowly ra
n them up his chest before lacing my fingers behind his neck.

All his resistance wa
s gone
after that, and when he settled on top of me, I could feel that he was
hard.  Spreading my legs, I wrap
ped
them around his
legs
as we continue
d
kissing.  The
kiss has gone from being a regular kiss to being
super-hot
.  Nei
ther of us could
keep it slow anymore, and things
escalated
. 

I could
hear the bed creaking
softly
as we rock
ed
against each other.
  The pressure of his arousal rubbing against
the juncture of my thighs had
me tingling
.
The taste
of
him,
along with the sensation of our tongues sliding
against each other, had
my breath coming in little bursts. 
It seems like we were
locked togeth
er like that
for hours
, exploring and loving each other in a totally new and entirely different way.
Trailing one of my hands do
wn from around his neck, I slid
it unde
r his shirt and ra
n it up his chest to
rest over his heart.  His skin wa
s hot t
o the touch, and his heartbeat wa
s
super-fast
.

Wrenchin
g his mouth from mine, he stared
into my eyes, all the while continu
ing to grind against me.  I kept
right on rubbing against him, too. 

He said
my name on a moan.  "
Delilah
…
You're so goddamn beautiful
.
Jesus!
We need to stop angel.
I'm going to come
if we
don't."

Yes! That’s what I want
ed
. I want
ed
to know that he’s
out of control,
and
that he’s going to remember this forever
.
Looking him straight in the eye
,
I smile
d
as
I said
, "I want you to."

I could actually see his internal struggle, and I wanted to make damn sure he didn't stop.
  Taking my hand out from under his shirt, I used both of my hands to open his jeans before sliding
one hand into his boxers.  I ga
ve a little gasp when I fe
lt
how big he
was
,
how hot he
was
in my
hand. 
"Oh, angel…" 
With a growl, he captured
my mouth again as I rub
bed
against
him. 

The rocking of the bed got faster, and I knew he was
about to reach his end.  Our kiss
became
harder
and
firmer
, even more passionate
.  Eve
rything wa
s
wilder as I rub
bed
my hand over him
faster and faster.  Pulli
ng back from my mouth, he buried
his face against my neck
. "Oh god
Delilah… angel… I'm going to come
!"
I rubbed my thumb over the tip again and again as I gasped for air and the bed shook underneath me.  "I love you Spencer.  Let yourself go."

Letting out a hoarse cry, he erup
ted
into my han
d, and m
y bod
y tingled all over as he did
.
I love
d
the feeling of his breath on my neck, love
d
being wrapped all around him, love
d
having my hand in his pants
, and I love
d
the hot and wet feeling of his release on my fingers.  I did that to him.  I made him fee
l all those things, and it felt
amazing
to me
. 
When he
finished,
he kissed
my neck and then my mouth again
before rolling
off of me
to lie
on his back.

Pulling my hand from his pants,
I reach
ed
my arm over to his nightstand to grab some tissues so that
I could clean up.  After my hands were dry, I thre
w the tissues in the trash
,
and then turn
ed back to Spencer.  I could
totally tell that he wa
s struggling, so in
stead of making it weird, I took
his hand in mine, holding it like we used to when we were younger.  Giving
him a kiss on the cheek, I put
my head on his chest.  "Thank you for helping me Spence.  It doesn’t have to get weird now, I promise.  I would like to stay and hold your hand for a bit though, if that's okay."

Lean
ing his head down, he
gave
the top of my head a kiss
.  "
You know
I'll always hold your hand Delilah.  I
just
need a few minutes to go get changed though.  I'll be back, okay?"

I'm pretty sure that I lost my mind when I let Delilah talk me into being her first kiss.  No matter what I do,
I'll never be able to take that
back.  Just before my tongue slid into her mouth, I'd hoped that we would have no chemistry, that all my sudden desires for her could be wiped away with one
hideously
bad kiss.

Unfortunately, that's not what happened at all.  Sure, there was a minute of awkwardness, but once she found her rhythm, she had it down.  Within five minutes of beginning to kiss, we were perfectly in time
with one another
.  What I just shared with Delilah was easily the best kiss of my life. 

Not good. 

Not good
at all
.

And fuck it all if I didn't let it get so much further than just kissing!  I haven’t dry humped a girl since I was in ninth grade, but with Delilah, I couldn't help myself
.  I wanted her so fucking bad that I thought I was going to explode. 
I knew I was out of control
,
and I knew I needed to calm down.  I tried, I swear I did. 

When she opened my jeans and put her hand down my pants, I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest.  By that point
,
reminding myself that she’s
still
only
sixteen wasn't working anymore.
I
feel like shit, but it was a conscious decision on my part to
quit trying to stop.  I wanted to be
touched by
her so badly that
I thought I'd go crazy with it, and I think when I came into her hand, I
actually
did go a little crazy.  Nothing ever felt so good or so intense.
The only saving grace in all of this is that we didn't go
any farther.
 

After getting my shit together in the bathroom, I headed back into my bedroom.  I groaned when I saw Delilah spread across my bed like an angel.  When did things get out of control?  At what point did my body and heart betray my
brain
?  What I feel for Delilah is so much bigger than some stupid crush.  It’s wrong in every conceivable way too.  She’s sixteen, I’m twenty.
When I’m not at college, we live in the same house.
Her brothers are my best friend
s and
I’ve known her since the day s
he came home from the hospital. 
I'm totally fucked, not worthy of anyone, much less Delilah.
Our lives are too inter
twined
for this to be anything other
than
wildly inappropriate.

Still, Delilah means more to me than anyone in the world, and if she wants me to sit with her and hold her hand now, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.  Dropping onto my bed, I grabbed her hand in mine as she settled her head on my shoulder.  Grabbing the remote I flicked through the channels until I found
us a movie to watch on HBO.

We laid l
ike
that in silence for quite a
while.  As fucked up as what I’d just done with her was, it was still
comforting to lay with her and hold her hand.  Shift
ing on the bed a bit, she kissed
my cheek.  “I love you Spencer
, more than anything
. Thank you.”

She shouldn’t be thanking me
, but I’d
never make her feel badly about what just happened.
  I don't ever want her to feel dirty.
  All of the blame wa
s mine.

“I love you too
Delilah, more than anything
.”

Right there, right in that moment, I realized something that changed my entire life.

I didn't just
love
Delilah.  I was
in love
with her.

It was ridiculously bad timing to realize it, but that didn't make it any less factual. 

***

“At some point
,
you’re going to have to tell me what the fuck is going on with you
Spencer
.  You’
ve been
acting really strange
ly for the last two months
.”

Fuck.  Fuck. FUCK.  The last thing I need is for Damien to figure out what my
"
problem
"
is. 
What am I supposed to say here?  'I'm in love with your teenage sister' would likely get my face smashed in. 

How the hell does he even know
something is wrong
?  I’ve all but thrown myself into our
"
normal
"
lifestyle.  I’ve fucked at least ten chicks in the last two months.  I’ve stayed on my game, even though it makes me feel
more
like a filthy asshole
than ever
. My entire life has been thrown through the damn ringer since the night I kissed Delilah and came into her hot little hand. 

I decided to try at playing dumb
, hoping that I could buy time so that I could recalibrate the way I'd
been acting.
“Dude, what do you mean? I’ve been alright.”

The look Damien gave me left no doubt that he was frustrated that I was
trying to play it off.

“Come on Spence.  I know something is bugging the shit out of you.  You’re like a shadow of yourself.  We go out and you pick the first chick that comes at you. 
Your head clearly isn't in it
,
and y
ou’re totally phoning it in.  You’re at the gym for
four
fuckin
’
hours a day
, which is two more than you've ever done before,
or you’re studying.  I don’t think I’ve seen you chil
led out and relaxed in months.  Don’t make me beat it out of you.
  What the fuck is wrong?
”

I scrambled like a maniac in my head to come up with something believable
, finally grabbing on to something that actually
had
been upsetting me
.  “I’m alright Damien.
I guess
I’ve just been really fucked in the head since Christmas
,
when my mother sent those crazy pictures.  I know that shit upset you
and Dante
too.”