Loving Hart (21 page)

"You know what?  I didn't come here to upset you.  Clearly this was a terrible idea.  At the end of the day, I just want you to be happy.  That's all that really matters to me.  I'm going to go.  I'll see you… around."

When I saw the tears start falling down her cheeks and heard her
choked sob, I had no more hope left
.  Damn me for upsetting her.  I should have just taken it like a man and accepted her choice without making her uncomfortable. 
“I’m sorry
angel
.  I’m so, so sorry.  I won’t bother you about this ever again, I promise.  Be happy.”
Giving her forehead a brief kiss, I high-tailed it out of the bar
.  I didn’t even get as far as the door before three tears fell down my face
.

After I got to my car, I floored it
out of the parking lot.  At that
point
,
I just need
ed
to put as much distance between me and Delilah
as humanly possible
.  I'm going to need to talk to Dante about transferring to another branch immediately.  There is no way I can stay here, not anymore.
  As soon as I get home, I’ll
draft
a letter to Dante
to
get the ball rolling. 

I was so excited when he came into the bar.  I thought he’d come to his senses
;
that finally we were going to talk.  But
then
I saw his face.  I saw how upset he was, I saw how badly he was struggling, and I got a bad feeling.  When he said he couldn’t do it anymore, I knew it was over.  He’d decided to move on, and just like that,
I knew that
my future was gone.
Being Mr. Big C
o
ck meant more to him than I do,
and I felt like everything I'd ever believed in was shredded to pieces.

After getting myself under control, and once I was sure I wasn’t going to cry a river, I got up from the table and made my way over to my friends and started saying my goodbyes.  About a minute later, my sorority sister
,
Jennifer
,
pulled me to the side.

“Not that it’s any of my business, but what did you just say to that
guy? He was so upset when he left.”

That was confusing, and I shook my head at her.  “You’re imagining things.  IF he was upset, it was only because he felt bad about telling me something he knew I didn’t want to hear.”

Shaking her head firmly, she put her hand up to stop me from talking.  “No.  Seriously Delilah, I know what I saw.  He was crying when he ran out.”

That threw
me.  Did he feel that bad?  Does he think I can’t handle it?
Is that why he strung me along for two years?  Was I just a joke to him?  Or, does he feel guilty because he doesn’t want what I want?

Thanking Jennifer for letting me know, I left the bar and got into my car.  I sat for a few minutes kicking different ideas around in my head before deciding to head over to Spencer’s.  I need him to know that even though I’m devastated, I still love him and I don’t hate him for not wanting to be with me
anymore. 
The most important thing to me is that s
omehow our friendship survives.
  I couldn't live without him, and I never want to try.

Pulling out of the parking lot, I started drivin
g towards Spencer’s house.  I could
n’t help but drive slower than I normally would.  I need
ed to be calm by the time I saw
him, and
my emotions we
re right on the surface. 

Once I pulled
into his driveway, I turned the car off
,
and spent another few minutes g
etting myself steady. 
When
I’d
got
ten myself as calm as I could possibly be
, I head
ed
to the front door and knock
ed
.

The door
was
flung open
,
and
I was
taken aback by Spencer’s appea
rance.  Jennifer was right.  He wa
s
upset.  Even worse, he did
n’t look happy to se
e me.  The look on his face said that he wished
anyone else on earth was standing on his doorstep right now.  Keeping my chin up, I ask
ed him if I could go in.  When he said
yes, I brush
ed
past him as quickly as possible. 

The lights in the living room were off, so I walked
toward where I
could
see light
coming from the kitchen.  I could
see that Spencer must have been sitting at the kitchen table working on his computer.  Choosing the seat next to where he’d clearly been sitting, I went to sit down.  As I did, I knocked a piece of paper from the table onto the floor.

Bending over to pick it up, I noticed that the letter was addressed to Dante. 
I did
n’t actually make an
attempt to read it, but as I went
to lay the letter back down, I realiz
e
d that the first line read
: “I'm writing to officially
request a transfer to
another
one of the Hart International branches
..
.”

The sheer terror and heartbreak that slam
med
into me simultaneously
was
staggering
, worse than any pain I'd ever felt in my life
.  He wa
s leaving me.  He wanted
to get away.  I didn’t think I could hurt more than I did when he stood up from the table at the bar, but I was wrong.

I was
out of control, completely broken.  Picking up the letter, I turn
ed
to see
him walking into the room.  I could
n’t control my reaction, and it erup
ted
from me like lava.  “
How could you
? Do you hate me this much? WHY? You fucking destroyed me tonight
,
and now you’r
e doing this too?” Sobs overtook me
,
and I lost
the ability to speak coherently. 

His arms we
re arou
nd me in seconds, and I struggled
against him as I wail.  He
’s lea
ving me.  That was
all I knew, it wa
s all I could
feel.

I was so out of control that it took
me at le
ast a minute to realize that he wa
s trying to talk to me. “How can you possibly expect me to stay?  I can’t live like this Delilah.  I can’t
, and it’s not fucking fair for you to expect me to deal with this shit all the time
!”

Oh my god.  Where wa
s the Spencer I’ve known my whole life?
Had I never really known him at all?  He was destroying me
, ripping my heart out one
tiny piece at a time.  He had
to
realize
that
when
he
left
me, I’d be broken beyond repair
, but he just didn't care
. 

I need
ed
to g
et away before I completely lost
my shit and start
ed
hyperven
tilating or throwing up.  It felt
like my entire world was just thrown into a
hurricane
that
wa
s now spitting everything out into the wrong place.

Shoving him aside,
words tumbled from my mouth before I could formulate something less pathetic to say
.  “I never knew you could be so cruel.  Don’t worry.  You won’t have to deal with me or my
shit
anymore.  I’m sorry I was such a burden
you asshole
.
Have a nice life Mr. Big Cock!
”

I walked as fast as I could to the door.  Grabbing the handle, I went to fling the door open so
that I could make my escape. I saw Spencer’s hand smack against the door to hold it in place
,
and I whipped around and screamed.  “What? What fucking more do you want from me?  I’m completely destroyed.  I can’t TAKE anymore Spencer.  Let. Me. Go!”

I’d
never seen him as upset as he looks now.  “That’s rich Delilah.  How the fuck are you making ME the bad guy here? 
Mocking me by calling me Mr. Big Cock? Jesus Christ! I never thought you were cruel. 
I’m leaving so that YOU can create the future that YOU want with the guy that you’ve chose
n
, the one you’re clearly in love with.  I’m the one that’s got nothing left.  Do you really expect me to sit here and watch as you bring him to dinners and family events?  I’M NOT THAT STRONG DELILAH! I’m fucking broken. You have to let me go, have to let me make a new life.  I won’t survive if I stay.”

The synapses in my brain
start
ed
firing like rockets as I assimilate
d
everything he
'd
just
said.  How d
id we get so far off track?  He was leaving because he believed that I could be
in love with someone else!
  How can
he possibly have gotten that into his head?

I need
ed
to tell him al
l of that
, but the relief I felt that he wasn't leaving because he hated
me
and
thought that I was
a burden
had
my vocal chords
in a strangle hold as I cried
harder than
I
ever
had
. 
Grabbing him, I pull
ed
him toward me and wrap
ped
my arms around him, needing his strength
to hold me up so that I wouldn’t fall down.  He wa
s rigid
for a moment before he shuddered and pulled
me in close.

Dropping my purse, I basically start
ed
climbing him.
  I hear
d
his sh
irt start to tear, but I did
n’t care.
  I just couldn’t get close enough.  I was c
ompletely wrapped around him, every part of my body touching a part of his
,
as I continue
d
sobbing
uncontrollably
. 

“Shhh.  Baby shhh.
You’re scaring me! Stop.  Stop!  Please baby!
I won’t leave
,
Delilah.  I’ll throw the letter away.  I’ll learn to live with it.  I promise! You have to stop.  Please, please stop.  You’re hurting yourself. I didn’t know it would hurt you like this.  I’ll stay, I’ll do anything for you
,
anything you want, just please stop.”

I was trying, I really was, but I’d
never felt anything like
how I felt right then
. 
I start
ed trying to talk, but I was crying so hard I could
only get one word at a time out.

“
I…called… you… Mr… big… cock… because… you… fucked… some… slut… I… know…
I… broke… up… with… him… weeks… ago… didn’t… have… sex… with… him… didn’t… love… him… don’t… love… him…
I’m… still…yours… and… I… always… will… be!”

He staggered a bit as I finished talking, and before I knew it he was running across the room to the couch.  I was still attached to him like a new appendage, but that didn’t slow him down any.

He held me on the couch for a few minutes, rocking me back and forth while I got myself under control.

Rubbing my back, he continued
soothing me as I calm
ed
down.  His shirt is soaked from all of my crying, and I ask
ed
him for a tissue.  Grabbing a box from the
sofa table next to us, he started
gently wiping my face off. 

"Angel, I'm so sorry.  I told you they were just bodies and I meant every word.  I've actually slept with far fewer people than you think.  I'm sorry it hurt you, and I'd give anything to take it back baby.  Anything.
  It meant nothing, it was stupid, and I should have thought it out and been strong enough to wait.
"

I grabbed some tissues from him so that I could blow my nose and wipe my face.  “How could you think I was in love with anyone else?  I’ve been yours for longer than I can remember.  That isn’t ever going to change.  When I thought you were leaving, I felt like I was dying.  I need you
Spencer.  I’ll always need you."