Love's Learning Curve (31 page)

“Oh, my God.  I was so worried.   I’m so glad you’re home,” Morgan says, jumping from her bed when I walk into the room.  I attempt a smile that feels like a betrayal to my broken soul, but I do it anyway. 
Head up.  Stay Strong.  Fake a smile.  Move on.

I drop my things and allow her to engulf me in the tight squeeze and try to reciprocate, wrapping my arms around her shoulder and softly patting.  This isn’t her fault, and I’m not upset with her, but it’s hard because she’s the one connection I still have to my mother and father.  She’s a connection to the world I’ve hated all my life but endured out of duty only to be judged, mistreated, and ultimately abandoned at a time when the loss I was feeling was so much greater than them. 

“I’m back,” I say, trying to fabricate cheer.  It doesn’t work.  The sound is as flat as I feel. 

“I’m so glad you’re home.  Can we talk?  Are you okay?  I don’t even know all that happened; only the vague story that my mom told me and the little Tyler knew when he was searching for you and came here.”

At the mention of his name, I want to fall apart.  I want to crawl back to my rescue heaven and admit they were right; I should never have left.  But I won’t.  I won’t crawl into a ball pretending the world doesn’t exist.  I won’t hide, holding my breath to wait for the next tragedy to fall into my lap.  I won’t give up. 

Life goes on, so people can.

“Tomorrow, maybe.  I have some stuff to catch up on, and honestly, I’m just not ready,” I respond with sincerity.   She nods in acceptance and embraces me again, and I feel guilty that it’s not comforting.  She’s my best friend, and she’s stuck in the middle of a family issue she shouldn’t have to be part of.  Somehow, it feels like I’m punishing her, and it’s not fair. 

I resolve myself to the fate that tomorrow after class, I’ll make an effort to spend time with her, fill her in on everything, and try to keep my relationship with her separate from that of my parents.  I’ve lost so much in the past week.  I don’t need to make Morgan an unnecessary casualty because of her association.  Our lifelong history is deserving of more effort than that.

I had a late lunch at George’s.   You would have thought I’d been away on a month-long journey with the way they reacted when I walked in the door.  Mary immediately started calling out to her mom across the restaurant.  “Mom, she’s here.”  They all came running and engulfed me in the center of a family bear hug. 

I reminded them it’s only been a day.  Sue shrugged it off stating, “I’ve missed my girl.”  I ordered my lunch choosing to sit at the bar to chat with Jamie instead of in the dining room.  This is new for me, but I needed a change of scenery.  That room next door holds many memories for me. 

My food portion was easily double what it normally is, and I’m positive it wasn’t accidental, but since I was starving and the leftovers would be handy later, I didn’t complain.

Now that I’m home, I know it’s time to face the music with Morgan.  I’ve been a little anxious about it all day, but I need her in my life.  Even though a relationship with her will never be like it was before, we need to find our new way together.  I love her, and my amazing memories with her outweigh the bad ones tenfold.  I want to preserve what we have.  I’m willing to adjust if she is.

I look up from the pile of books and notebooks that have collected around me as she comes through the door of our bedroom.  I smile, happy to see her, hoping it appears genuine as I want it to feel.  I’m really trying here.  “Hey.  How was your day?”  I ask.

She seems to be as apprehensive as I am.  “Good.  Have I told you yet today that I’m so glad you’re back?  I really did miss coming home to this,” she says, her response lacking the normal ridicule about my excessive study habits. 

I put my papers aside as she sits on the edge of her bed across from mine.  She fiddles with her fingers, picking at her nails.  The cheerful expression that usually covers her face isn’t there.  She’s tense and worried.  I understand.  I feel that way too.

“My day was okay, but I’m worried, Char.  Everything spiraled so quickly, and I felt helpless.  You pulled away from me.  You’re my best friend and I’m yours, yet when things got bad, you didn’t let me in.  I’m scared this whole situation changed us.”  Her voice is shaky.  She pushes herself further onto her bed putting distance between us and grabs her throw pillow, clutching it to her chest like a shield.  She’s hurt, and I hate that I’ve done that to her, but at the time, I had no other choice.  I did what I needed for my own self-preservation, as selfish as that makes me, but it doesn’t help the guilt of understanding how my actions have affected others.

“I’m so sorry, Morgan.  I never wanted to hurt you or shut you out, but I couldn’t handle it at the time.  I couldn’t even handle myself.  I know you don’t understand because you don’t know the story, but truly, I’ve never been more broken.”  It’s an apology full of excuses, but it’s real.  I’ve become so accustomed to living a lie and not admitting even to myself at times when I’m struggling.  No more.   I refuse to live a lie.

“So what happened?” she asks, her eyes begging for understanding.

I start with the party, telling her about my escape with Ty then proceed to the comment from my mother and how Ty handled it.  I leave out the intimate details and even the precious moments and conversations with Ty that don’t impact the facts.  I can’t talk about those things.  It’s enough that I can’t forget them. 
HE WAS A LIE.

Morgan moves to my bed abruptly, wrapping her arm around me and rests her head on my shoulder when I read the text from my mother.  I stumble over the words a bit when the hot tears cloud my sight.  Morgan is speechless when I finish reading. 

Then I explain all that happened next and how I don’t even remember driving to George’s.  The next few days were a blur.  I stayed in bed.  They gave me space.  I just needed the time alone to figure out how to just survive it all.

Morgan has a trail of silent tears falling down her cheeks, and it’s obvious the situation was more disastrous than she realized.  “I’m sorry, Char.  Honestly, I had no idea.  I wish I could rewind back to that party and make it so that you never met Tyler Stone.  He ruined everything the moment he stepped into your life.”

As much as I want to wish the same, I’m not sure I can.  Tyler Stone may have been a lie, but for a short time, he was the most beautiful lie ever.  He was the lie that made me believe in a love that burns so hot I knew I’d never recover if it were extinguished, and I won’t—ever. 

That, I won’t talk about with Morgan or anyone else.  I don’t want to justify the feelings that consumed me so quickly I didn’t even realize what they were until it was over.  I’m not ready to admit that I gave my heart, my entire heart, to someone who wasn’t real.  I fell in love with Ty, and no matter how terrible his deception was, I don’t think I can stop loving him yet.  My heart still aches and yearns for the things that could have been.

“Listen, I have a plan.  What do you say you and I get dressed and head up to George’s to hang at the bar?  Just us, a girls’ night?  I can’t fix all the hurt that you’re feeling right now, but I sure know how to make you forget,” she asks, hopeful.  I’ve never been a drinker with the exception of sips here and there.  I’ve certainly never been drunk, but at this moment, forgetting even for a short time is just the reprieve I need.

I nod, leaving her shocked, and she squeals as I confirm.  “Okay.  Forgetting is a phenomenal plan.”

She jumps up, grabbing her phone and humming cheerfully as her fingers dance quickly across the screen.  I go to the closet and flip through my clothes trying to find something to wear that fits my mood. 

“I’m going to jump in the shower. I can be ready in an hour.  Is that cool?” she asks.

“Perfect,” I tell her, knowing it’ll only take me fifteen minutes max since I’m only changing my top and touching up my makeup.  I have no one to impress and no interest in looking any less depressed than I feel.

She plugs her phone into the charger and places it on the nightstand between our beds before leaving the room.  I sit back in my own bed deciding to spend the next few minutes unwinding by reading a book for fun.

I tried to start a book over and over this week, but I couldn’t concentrate on the words.  Now, I plan to force myself to live in a fictional world for a bit.  Romance may be a little torture to my soul right now, but I love it.  I love happy endings, and since I won’t have my own, I’ll live vicariously through the characters on the pages.

I’m engrossed for a good twenty minutes, but I close the book after finishing another chapter knowing if I start, I’ll never find the motivation to get dressed to leave.  I step out of the bed accidentally tripping on the cord connected to Morgan’s phone, and it tumbles to the floor hitting the bedpost with force, scaring me.  My God.  I hope I haven’t shattered her phone.  She’ll be crazy.  I’m not sure she loves anything more than her phone.

I pick it up to check to see if it’s broken and my eyes do a double take at the notification I see on the screen.  I blink excessively as my sight blurs and refocuses.

Sandra Baker:  Nice work getting things back on track with Charlotte.  I’m glad your talk worked, and we got rid of him.  We make a great team.  You have a beautiful future ahead of you with your exceptional acting talent.  She’ll get over him eventually, but what’s most important is she’ll be much more amenable to work with when she comes crawling back to her family.

I read the words over and over thinking it has to be some sort of joke or at the very least a major misunderstanding, but it’s not.  The realization of everything that’s happened over the last month and Morgan being an accomplice behind it is paralyzing.  If this is true, what part did Ty have in it?  Was he a part or was he just another victim of their deceit?

Morgan walks in as I’m still staring at her phone and looks at me curiously before realizing her mistake.  “Umm … why are you looking at my phone?” she says, faking annoyance.  I see her fear.  She’s just hoping I didn’t see anything to prove her guilt, but it’s too late.  The one message I did see was enough to paint the whole picture.

“You.  It was you all along supplying her with the information.  You helped her try to destroy me.  The two of you worked together to break me.  You wanted me weak.  For what?   Morgan!  What the hell are you getting out of this?”  I ask, yelling now.  My pitch grows louder by the second.  I want to throw the phone at her when she stands stunned in the doorway wrapped in her robe in full makeup.   I want to walk to her and shake the answers from her. 

“You wouldn’t listen to me, Charlotte!  I tried to warn you away from him.  He’s not like you, and he never will be.  He’s like me.  Conquering Tyler Stone has been my mission since we got on campus.  I was wearing him down.  I refused to be just another filler for his bed.  I was waiting for him to be ready for more, but before I could make that happen, you stole the stage and got the role I wanted,” she yells back.  Her jealousy is showing, and it’s not pretty. 

“I’ve always kept Sandra in the loop about what’s going on with you.  Why the hell do you think I came to school with you and have lived by your side?  Do you really think you’re my best friend?  We had nothing in common until Tyler Stone got his grip on you.”  The hate filling her voice is something I never imagined in Morgan, and I don’t have anything to say to her to respond.  
SHE WAS THE LIE ALL ALONG.

I drop the phone onto the bed.  I’m not sure where the calmness that washes over me comes from when I walk into the closet and begin folding clothes and placing them into my luggage, but she’s not finished ranting as I do.

“For being so smart, you, Charlotte Baker, are as dumb as they come.  I never believed this plan would work from the second your mother mentioned it, but it did.  Like fucking magic.  You lost the guy.  You gave up.  You became weak just like she said.  YOU NEVER DESERVED HIM!  Why don’t you know that?” she yells, and I ignore her.  I’m on a mission. 

SHE WAS THE LIE ALL ALONG.