Love Scars (12 page)

“The capitol?” Frank said. “Commute to downtown Sacramento every day?”

“My major
is
public policy and administration,” Lisa said. “I could probably try and get on with one of the cities, Roseville or Rocklin. But yeah. Working for the state would be a dream come true. I’d really love to work for the Water Board.”

“Soon wars will be fought over water instead of oil,” Brad said.

“I doubt that,” Frank said. “The world contains more water than anything else.”

I didn’t think for a second they were arguing about water.

Stacey stood up and put a stop to it. “So should I open my presents? I’m dying to know what’s too big for the house.”

“Ours first,” Lisa said. She handed Stacey a small box. “Frank contributed.”

“Yowza!” Stacey held up a Nordstrom’s gift card. “Five hundred bux? No way.”

“You only turn eighteen once,” Frank said. “Knock yourself out. Happy shopping.”

“Here’s mine.” Nora handed her a card. “Read it aloud.”

“
Happy birthday to my wonderful niece. Let’s go car shopping tomorrow. Love, Aunt Nora.
” Stacey threw her arms around Nora’s neck. “A car! I was just kidding. Really? You’re kidding.”

“You can’t always count on a ride,” Nora said. “Now that you’ll be working and going to Sierra, you need your own car.”

“Sierra?” I said. That wasn’t right. I looked at Brad, but he was going for the bike and his back was to me. I caught Stacey’s eye and gave her a questioning look. She blushed and turned to Nora.

“But you need a new car too, Aunt Nor. Yours is getting too old to find spare parts, and your air conditioning is whack.”

“I’ve come into a little extra cash.” Nora looked sideways at Lisa and back to Stacey. “Maybe we’ll both pick out new cars. New to us, anyway.”

A little extra cash.
I’d forgotten about Steve Heron and MolyMo. I held my breath, hoping Nora would say more about it, but I received no joy.

“Now for the big mysterious box.” Stacey picked up the present I’d given her, but she continued to avoid eye contact with me. Why did Nora think she was going to Sierra? The local community college certainly wasn’t what Brad told me.

She opened the box and took out the helmet just as Brad came up the deck steps with the bike.

“Fantastic!” Stacey strapped on the black helmet. It did look pretty slick. She took hold of the bike’s handlebars and looked it over. “This is awesome.”

“You’re almost set for Stanford,” Brad said. “This will take you all over campus.”

Nora’s head snapped up. As I suspected, she had no idea.

“I’m going to Sierra.” Stacey turned red. “Sierra College, here in Rocklin.”

“But you said…” Brad frowned. “You told me you were accepted.”

“You…you applied to Stanford?” Nora looked betrayed. Something weird was going on between the two of them. Something Brad and I knew nothing about.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Aunt Nora,” Stacey said. “I just wanted to see if I could make it. But when I got in, then I really couldn’t tell you.”

“Oh, Stace.” Tears filled Nora’s eyes.

“Well, excuse me,” Brad said, Steve Martin style. “I didn’t think getting into Stanford was the kind of thing you hide in shame.”

“We can’t afford Stanford, Brad,” Stacey said. “I didn’t tell you, Aunt Nor, because I knew how bad you’d feel that I couldn’t go. Or worse, you’d take on more debt.”

“Which brings me to your next present,” Brad said.

He picked up the wadded up paper the bike helmet had been wrapped in, and as he smoothed it out, a blue envelope fell to the deck. I recognized the BlueMagick stationery.

“It’s not really a birthday present.” He handed Stacey the envelope. “Actually, it’s not a present at all.”

“My god.” Stacey’s eyes grew huge as she opened the envelope. “Aunt Nora, look. A scholarship for $25,000.” She held up a letter and a check. “Oh, my god. I can go. Brad, why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“Same reason you didn’t tell Nora. I didn’t want you to be disappointed if you didn’t win.”

“Win?” I said. I hoped my expression wasn’t as dubious as I felt.

“I put you up for a scholarship at work,” Brad said. He gave me a look that said
play along, dude!
“You obviously had the best application.”

I took the letter from Nora and scanned it. Brad had done a good job. Nothing on the letterhead identified either of us. It was signed by Jeri Cranston, the director of human resources at the Folsom plant, and she’d signed the check too.

A sigh escaped me, and Nora looked at me strangely. “That’s really great, Stacey.” I handed back the letter and check.

It wasn’t the money I sighed about. I had no problem giving away twenty-five grand for any kid to go to my alma mater—Brad’s too. The money was nothing to BlueMagick—and everything to Stacey. Great. But I was worried about Brad. He was setting himself up for a fall. These were nice people, but they weren’t his family.

Stacey was a great kid, but she wasn’t Veda.

“I think it’s fantastic.” Lisa got up and gave Stacey a hug. “Congratulations, Stace. I’m so proud of you.”

“I am too, Stace,” Nora said. “Really. It’s wonderful news.”

If everything was so wonderful, why did I sense a torrent of confusion flowing just beneath Nora’s surface?

“Want to take it out for a test drive?” Brad nodded at the bike. “I’ve got mine in the SUV.”

“Awesome,” Stacey said. “It has to be quick, though. They’ll be here soon to pick me up for the movie.”

I went into the kitchen to get another beer. Nora was a mass of mixed messages. She was happy for her niece. Who wouldn’t be? I mean,
Stanford!
I was ninety-nine percent sure the kid had qualified on her own steam. Brad didn’t have
that
kind of pull. Stacey had gotten in, and that was the hardest part. All she had to do now was study like a demon and graduate. Doors to the good life would open for her everywhere.

Nora should be happy. Deliriously happy. But something was driving other emotions. Maybe she wasn’t ready to let Stacey grow up and live her own life. With Lisa getting married and Stacey moving to the Bay Area, Nora would be alone.

“I’m behind you.” Nora touched my back as she tossed her paper plate into the trash. Desire ripped through me like a jolt of electricity. I wanted to grab her and push her against the wall and kiss those luscious lips and taste all that skin.

She looked up at me and froze in place. Her eyes were so beautiful. She wasn’t all pain. There was kindness too and intelligence in her eyes. Her gaze lingered on my lips, and I moved toward her.

“You sure you don’t mind cleaning up?” Lisa came in through the slider and grabbed her bag from the table. “Frank’s going to take me to work.”

“Of course not.” Nora moved away from me. “You cooked. I clean.”

“Ta-ta, then.” Lisa zipped out the door again.

“That’s how it is in my family,” I said. Nora turned back to me. My longing hung in the air between us. Did she feel it at all? “I’ll help,” I said. “I’m a born pot-scrubber and paper plate throw-away-er.”

There. A small smile.

“It’s going to be okay,” I said quietly.

Her eyes filled with tears.

Chapter 16

It’s going to be okay.

I was extremely glad J.D. shut up after he said that. One more word, just one, and I was going to lose it. I was hyperaware of him so close to me in the kitchen. If Lisa hadn’t come in right then, I swear I’d be doing him on the floor right now.

He rinsed off the few dishes and put them in the dishwasher, and I put away the leftovers and wiped down the counter. We worked in silence, but my emotions were a chaotic mess.

Frank had taken Lisa to work. Brad and Stacey were out riding the bikes. J.D. and I were alone in the house. Everything in me wanted to press against his lean muscled body, to slip my arms around his waist and lay my head against his chest. I couldn’t do it.

What was wrong with me? Wasn’t that what I wanted? Planned for? I’d made myself ready with clean hair, showing lots of skin and put on jewelry and makeup. I was ready to bat my eyelashes and laugh at his jokes and lead him down the hall to my bed. With one sentence he’d brought it all to a screeching halt.

It’s going to be okay.

I wasn’t used having a guy care about me. My dad and my brother Danny loved me, but that was so long ago I’d forgotten the sound of their voices. And they were never around much even before they died.

It’s going to be okay.
J.D.’s voice was so gentle and kind. I wasn’t prepared for it, and his words slipped through my defenses like a warm sweet unexpected kiss. The feeling was strange and wonderful and terrifying.

I had to get away. I couldn’t handle thinking about J.D. while all these feelings about Stacey churned inside me. 

“I’ll be right back.” I laid the kitchen cloth on the counter. “I need to turn off the fountain.” I slipped outside and jogged to the flower garden. It felt good to move, to get my heart pumping from something other than J.D. Reider.

The fountain was indeed on. The roses in the garden were gorgeous and fragrant. Half the peonies were blooming, and the unopened buds were covered by ants going after their nectar. I patted the iron fairy’s head for good luck and sat down on the bench. I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the water.

Stanford.
I was truly thrilled for Stacey and truly pissed she felt she couldn’t tell me about it. And if I was honest with myself, I had to admit I was jealous. Stanford. My Stanford was an old dream, an almost-was, a fading memory of foregone opportunity.

Stacey’s Stanford was going to be real.

God. How could I be so dig-in-the-dirt green with envy, yet so happy for her at the same time? And J.D…. That was all wrong in the kitchen just now. I’d started to fall back into an old habit, one I thought I’d purged in fire. I wanted to use him. Throw him on the floor and ride him hard, drive every feeling out of my body until there was nothing left to feel.

“How are you doing?” J.D.’s velvet voice rumbled beside me, and I opened my eyes.

He was at the other end of the bench with two cold beers, and he handed me one with a sympathetic smile that made me shiver. I didn’t trust my sense of things. I couldn’t be sure his concern was real or a product of my own longing. My crazy experience with relationships had me screwed up.

I couldn’t—didn’t want to—remember how many guys I’d slept with in my year of living dangerously. One or two of them actually might have liked me, but I was so messed up then. Beyond reach.

Then I fled to the other end of the spectrum. Virtual celibacy. I buried myself in school and taking care of Stacey and my friendship with Lisa and a semi-satisfying relationship with my hand-held showerhead. I’d become pretty much stuck here at the Carolinda convent. 

J.D. looked so good. His loose brown hair fell forward, framing his face. I loved his muscular cheekbones and his Goldilocks lips—not too thin, not too thick, but just right. He was wearing his Mephisto sandals again and jeans that looked expensive and new. His sky blue sleeveless tank had
BlueMagick
embroidered in silver thread on the front. I could easily lean over and touch his arm, invite myself into his embrace.

“I honestly have no idea how I’m doing.” I took a sip of the beer. “The two people I love most are getting exactly what they want, but it feels like my world is falling apart. I'm happy for them, but…”

“Sad for yourself.”

“Yeah.” A tear rolled down my cheek. I laughed and wiped it away. “Sheesh. It sounds so stupid and self-centered when I say it out loud.”

“Never. It makes perfect sense. Your best friend and roommate is getting married, and you just found out your niece is going to away to school when you didn’t even know it was a possibility. You haven’t adjusted yet. My mom cried for a week when I told her I was going to college in California.”

“Where are you from?”

“Seattle.”

“Nice. I’ve always wanted to visit Seattle. Actually, more north. Vancouver Island.”

“Butchart Gardens,” he said. “I remember.”

That was cool he remembered our conversation the other morning. Not even a week ago! I felt like I’d known him all my life. “So where did you go to college?”

“Stanford, actually.”

Were the gods mocking me? “No way.”

“Brad too, I’m afraid. He was a legacy—though he hates being called that. His dad went there.”

“Did Brad pull strings to get Stacey in?” I said. “I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

“Creepy, huh?” J.D. said. “But no. Don’t worry. Brad’s not weird. Five years ago, his sister died in a car crash along with his dad. She would have been Stacey’s age. It makes him feel better to take on the big brother role again.”

“That’s a pretty nice big brother, arranging for a $25,000 scholarship.”

“Now
that
I’m sure he did have a hand in. He has a lot of influence at BlueMagick.”

“Oh, that’s right,” I said. “He got you the job there.”

“Yeah, well.” J.D. turned red and took a drink of his beer. “It’s good to have friends. Brad’s always been a good friend to me. As you are to Lisa and Stacey.”

“Yeah, well.” I mimicked him. This was nice, just talking, sharing. “Lately it seems the universe is telling me to focus less on my friends and more on myself. As you’ve witnessed, I have some issues I’ve been avoiding.”

“Issues.”

The word sounded neutral, without judgment, but there was a gentle question mark in J.D.’s voice. An invitation to open up. No demand. No pressure.

“You saw a demonstration last Friday,” I said. “I had a flashback to when my family was killed.”

“That would give a person issues,” J.D. said. “Did they ever catch who did it?”

“Right away, thank god,” I said. “I saw…some of it. He had these ugly, stupid tattoos on his face. A thick black plus sign on one cheek and a minus sign on the other. The police knew who he was by the tats.”

“Where were you?”

“At our cabin in the foothills.” Enough. Danger.
Change the subject
. “Not far from the Barton dig, actually.”