Love notes (25 page)

“I love making love to you,”
Aiden eventually whispered into her hair, inhaling her sleepy, sexy
warmth. “I’ll go crazy without you when I’m back in London next
week.”

“I wish you weren’t going. I
can’t face Marty in court without you.”

“You’ll be fine. I promise.” He
said it with such confidence Erika almost believed him. “You’ll
have Catherine and her team. And Ben, of course. For his sake
alone, you’re better off with me out of the picture.”

Erika knew he was right. If
Marty knew Aiden had been instrumental in his downfall he’d go for
the jugular, not caring who was injured in the fall-out.

None of them could afford to
take that risk. Ben and Richard least of all.

Aiden pulled away slightly to
fully appreciate Erika’s beautiful body; from her dark, silken hair
to her red-painted toenails. Days spent lying beside the pool and
walking in the Californian sunshine had turned her skin a deep
golden colour except for the tantalising white marks where her tiny
bikini had rested, giving her a glow of health and energy.

“I love your new shape,” he said
against her skin for the hundredth time that week. “Curves are so
much more sexy. More womanly. And there’s more of you to enjoy.”
His tongue followed a white strap mark down to her nipple. “I hope
you know how much I love you, Erika Fenn.”

Erika sighed and pulled his lips
down onto her breast a second time, wondering whether anyone would
miss them if they spent the whole day in bed together.

Again.

“I think I’m getting the
picture,” she gasped as his tongue drew circles on her skin, “but
don’t let me stop you explaining it.”

His staccato breath tickled her
breast when he laughed. “When this is all over, and we can get on
with our lives, I never want us to spend a minute apart.” He looked
up at her and gave her his slow, sexy, persuasive smile that
ensured he always got his own way with her. “I think we should get
married.”

“Married?” Erika reacted as if
she’d been stung and sprang away from him, the sudden loss of his
body heat making her shiver. “You’re not serious.”

This wasn’t quite the reaction
Aiden had expected and he frowned. “Why not? I thought it’s what
you’d want.”

“Well it’s not!” Erika leapt out
of bed and pulled on Aiden’s T-shirt, crossing her arms
defensively. “It’s not what I want at all.”

“What do you mean?” Reeling as
if he’d been struck hard around the head, Aiden struggled to
understand what was going on. “Where the hell else did you think
this was leading?”

“I don’t know. But not
there.”

“Are you for real?” Feeling at a
disadvantage, Aiden put on his shorts and stood up. “Did you think
I’d just lend a hand with the court case, fuck you a few times and
then conveniently disappear into the sunset?”

“Of course not.”

“Then what’s got into you?
You’ve lain in my arms, told me you love me and that you can’t live
without me. Why is it such a shock for me to mention marriage?”

“Because…because it’s too soon.
How can I start planning my future when my entire present hangs in
the balance?”

Aiden smiled in relief and took
a step toward her. “I’m not suggesting we get married tomorrow. I’m
talking about in a few month’s time. When you’re back in
England.”

“Who says I’m going back to
England?”

“Well…I just assumed.”

Erika snapped. “So don’t assume.
I hate the way you pretend to know what I want all the time.”

She was acting irrationally, and
being totally unfair to Aiden, but Erika was suddenly very tired of
people second guessing her.

“For the last five years,
someone else has been telling me what to think, do, say, wear, eat,
sing – you name it. Marty’s controlled where I go, who I see, how I
work, where I live, what I look like and even what time I go to bed
at night,” she went on, losing it at full speed and full volume.
“Now it’s you, Ben, Catherine, the press and the media consultants
ordering me around. What about me making a decision for once?”

Aiden recoiled. “What’s got into
you? All I’ve said is that I want you to be my wife. Why does that
make you so angry?” He stared at her, trying to figure her out.
“We’re great together. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. You
can’t deny that what we have is incredible.”

“That doesn’t mean I want to
marry you! Five years ago, you weren’t exactly keen to commit. How
do I know monogamy will suit you now?”

“That’s not fair and you know
it.” His lips tightened in rage. “That was a different time. I was
a different person.”

“And maybe I’ll be different
again six months down the line.”

Aiden did a double-take. “What’s
that supposed to mean?”

Erika plunged in without
thinking through the consequences. “I’ve spent five years living as
Erika Fenn; a fantasy Marty dreamed up to sell records. I have no
idea who I am underneath. How can I jump straight from that into
being your wife?”

“You make it sound like some
kind of imprisonment.”

“Maybe it would be. For all I
know, you’ll have me pregnant inside a year and chained to the
kitchen sink.”

It was a ludicrous suggestion
but Erika had gone beyond reasonable. Aiden reacted as if he
couldn’t believe what he’d just heard. Shutters came down across
his expression and his whole body tensed.

“I had no idea you felt that
way. I assumed…”

“There you go again!” Erika
raged. “Don’t assume! You have no right to do my thinking for
me.”

Their eyes locked across the bed
– Aiden’s furious and Erika’s defiant – both of them scrambling to
find some common ground and yet staring into the unexpected gulf
that had opened up between them.

Erika suddenly wanted to back
track; to return to the beginning of the conversation and explain
herself properly. Instead, of confiding her fears, she’d blurted
out some half-formed ideas and hurt Aiden in the deepest way
imaginable. After everything he’d done for her, he deserved better
and she took a step toward him, an apology ready on her lips.

“Don’t.” Aiden held up his hand,
keeping her at bay. “Don’t say a word. You’ve made yourself very
plain.” His frigid tone sucked the heat out of the morning. “I
apologise. I hadn’t meant to take unfair advantage of your
vulnerability.”

“Please Aiden.” She crossed the
room in a second and grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at her.
“It came out all wrong. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.”

“Oh, I think you said exactly
what you intended to say. They weren’t throwaway comments. You’ve
obviously felt this way for a long time. I just wished you’d told
me sooner.”

Realising he could turn and walk
away from her at any second, Erika threw her feelings at Aiden’s
feet at the risk of having them trampled on. “I love you Aiden.
More than you can possibly know. I loved you five years ago and it
didn’t take me long to realise that I’ve probably never stopped
loving you.”

“So why can’t we be
together?”

His voice softened and his cold
expression lifted just enough for Erika to see the uncertainty in
his eyes. She wanted to kiss it away, to reassure him there had
never been anyone else but him – that there never would be – but
now she’d begun the conversation she couldn’t turn away and pretend
it had never started.

She owed Aiden as much of the
truth as she understood herself. The rest would be left hanging in
the air for time to peck at.

Leading him over to the bed, she
sat him down, her fingers entwined with his, their bodies barely
touching and yet the connection profound.

“You remember when we first got
together?” she began. “I couldn’t tell you I loved you straight
away because I didn’t want to say something I wasn’t absolutely
sure of.” She paused while he nodded tentatively. “But a few days
apart let my head clear. I soon knew without doubt that you’re the
love of my life.”

“And you’re mine.” Relief passed
across Aiden’s handsome features and he grasped her shoulders,
pulling her toward him slightly. “That’s why I want you to marry
me. Come back to England with me and let me take care of you.”

“I can’t.” It would have been so
much easier if she could, but life had never been that simple. “I
don’t want to rush into anything. I need more time. Time
alone.”

“How long? A week? A month?”

“I don’t know. However long it
takes.”

“However long what takes?”
Aiden’s lack of understanding made him angry again and he thrashed
around trying to assimilate what Erika had just told him. “We love
one another. I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy.
Why would you want to be alone?”

“Because it’s the only way I can
work out who I am.”

“You’re Erika Fenn. The woman I
love. How much more of an identity do you need?”

“My own.” Seeing he still didn’t
understand, Erika explained as much as she understood herself.
“I’ve spent five years being what everyone else wanted me to be –
the press, the music industry, Marty, the record producers, the
fans. I’m a product, not a person. I’ve been sold to the highest
bidder, and I’d be selling myself short if I didn’t give myself
time to stand back once the case is over and take stock.”

“You can do that when we’re
together.”

“No, I can’t. I love you and I
want to make you happy so I’d end up being the person you wanted me
to be – wife, lover, companion…mother of your children.”

“But not yourself,” Aiden
finished for her, watching her shake her head and the trail of
tears fall from her eyes. He swallowed hard as the inevitable
settled upon him. “There’s something else, isn’t there?” he
guessed.

Erika took a deep breath and
forced herself to go on, knowing she’d never get a second hearing
from Aiden. She leaned forward and kissed him gently, her lips
barely touching his and yet the sensation was intense.

“You love me more than I deserve
to be loved. I don’t doubt that. But I need to be certain I’m
coming back to you for all the right reasons. Not out of gratitude,
or because I’m too afraid to face the future alone. I don’t want to
wake up next to you in six months time and realise I’ve made the
wrong choice. I couldn’t do that to you. I love you far too
much.”

Aiden became desperate, willing
to try anything to prevent the worse thing imaginable happening.
“Then we’ll have separate apartments and only see each other
occasionally. It’ll give you time and space to make up your mind.
We don’t need to rush into anything.”

“No.” After so many years
bending to Marty’s will, Erika was finally uncovering the resolve
to follow her own instincts and she remained unbending. “I lost you
once five years ago for all the wrong reasons but I’m saying
goodbye now for all the right ones. If I come back to you, I want
it to be for ever.”

This was goodbye, no matter how
gently she phrased it, and she felt the scar tissue in her heart
puckering. From the desolation on Aiden’s face, he felt it too.

“So what are you going to do?”
he asked, guessing she’d already have the answer.

“Once the case is over, I’ll
stay on in California with Ben.”

“For how long?”

“Indefinitely.”

“It’ll help convince everyone
that Ben and I are engaged and also give me time to lick my wounds,
write music and just…be me. Away from the prying eyes of the press.
Out from under Marty’s control. Free from touring and
performing.”

“And free from me,” Aiden added
forlornly, studying her face to see how she’d react.

When she lay her hand across his
cheek he couldn’t help himself and turned to kiss her palm, holding
it tightly against his lips.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be free
from you,” she said, smiling sadly, her eyes deep with love.

“Then I don’t see the sense in
it.”

“Nor do I yet. But I need you to
do it for me so I can find out.”

“Would I be able to call or
visit?” He already knew the answer.

“No. Clean break. The sooner I
work out who I am, the sooner I’ll know what I want.”

“I can tell you what I want
right now.” He didn’t elaborate, however, doubting it would make
any difference. “Do you expect me to wait for you?” he asked
instead. “Give me a time limit and I’ll do it. A year if you
want.”

“Maybe a year. Maybe
longer.”

“You can’t expect me to put my
life permanently on hold.”

Even an unquantifiable love had
its limits apparently.

Erika shook her head. “I don’t
expect a virile, physical man like you to be celibate. I want you
to live as if I’d never existed. Sleep with other women. Get rid of
my pictures. Delete my music. Don’t wonder what I’m doing every
minute.”

“Isn’t that asking for
trouble?”

“It’s a risk I’m prepared to
take. You might meet the real love of your life tomorrow and, if
you do, we were obviously never meant to be.”

It was Aiden’s turn to shake his
head. “You’re the only woman I’ll ever want, Erika Fenn and, if the
only way to prove it is to say goodbye now, then I’ll do it. Even
though it goes against everything I believe and understand.”

Knowing she wouldn’t resist, he
pulled her into his arms, absorbing her into every pore, and
memorising the shape and smell of her. Erika folded herself into
him, allowing him to imprint her on his heart and guessing he’d
carry the scar for a very long time.

For herself, she was already
scarred and too damaged to be able to separate out her thoughts.
When she was with Aiden, he consumed her, filling every sense and
driving out all of her uncertainties.

Now she needed to let those
uncertainties rise to the surface so she could deal with them once
and for all. No matter which way her case against Marty went, and
even if she were left barefoot and bankrupt, she needed to face
those challenges alone, assuring herself that she was strong enough
to make the right choices about her future.