Love Me Not (31 page)

But then she remembered Christmas. If she’d been just another piece of ass, why would he leave her a gift—again?

She looked at the scrap of paper in her hand. She’d managed to get one of the orderlies to tell her his room number.

She glanced around and then slipped into the room. The bed was unmade, and the tray from breakfast hadn’t been taken yet. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected to find. A note that said, “Kimber, I love you”? With no idea what in the world she was doing here, she turned back to the door.

Then she stopped.

On the floor next to the trashcan—Penny had a black notebook like that when she came to see her.

Kimber flipped it open to a page headed, “July 6th.”

I saw you again today, well, not really. I imagined you again today. I haven’t seen you in reality in a long time. I might eventually snap and try to catch a glimpse of you for real. But don’t worry. I won’t let you see me. I won’t hurt you again.

I wish I could stop wanting you. I don’t think it’s healthy. Maybe that’s why I’m hallucinating. My mind can’t handle not having you, not even having a chance.

That one night when we were together and I thought I’d be able to keep you, my thoughts felt clear, not accurate, of course, but clear. Sometimes I can’t fully comprehend my surroundings, as if my mind’s only half there, but that night I was fully with you. I could comprehend you, be fully in the moment with you
.

Kimber stopped reading. She knew Heath had written this—she knew his handwriting better than her own. But she couldn’t know for sure who he was talking about.
That night…
He could be talking about anyone. She could only imagine how many women he’d slept with.

She flipped to a page farther along in the book.

“I wish you could read the rest of the story. You’re the only one who read any part of it, not even Elizabeth. But I suppose it’s for the best. Henry didn’t get the girl like you wanted. I know it was the right thing to do. She deserved more than Henry could give her, and he didn’t want to hurt her anymore.”

The rest of the story.
The book he let her read? She told him she wanted the main character, Henry, to get the girl, and if he only let one person read it…

She kept reading.

“I’d planned to thank you, to let you know what your friendship meant. I’d hoped to marry you. I see now how ludicrous that idea was. All that time I fought to stay away, not to fall for you, was a waste. I’d already fallen. I tried to push you out of my mind with other women, but I just ended up thinking about you when I was with them.

“I wish I could find a way to tell you you’re my last. I haven’t been with a woman since you, and I’ve come to accept I never will…My one gift is to let you hate me. I won’t try to see you or apologize. An enemy can only hurt you so much. A friend can destroy you. I won’t do that.”

Kimber covered her mouth, and tears rolled down her cheeks.

He did love her. He always had—and he stayed away because he thought it was the best thing to do for her. He wanted her so much he was having hallucinations of her.

Just now in the hall…He thought she wasn’t real, that he was just seeing things again.

She held the notebook tightly to her chest as she ran down the hall. He wasn’t by the elevators, and she didn’t see him in the stairwell. She stood in the middle of the hallway and searched her mind for what to do, how to find him.

One of the nurses rushed past her, and Kimber watched her walk to the nurses’ station.

The nurses’ station. Heath’s release papers—they’d have his address on them.

She walked up to the desk, made up a name, and asked the nurse if she knew which room her “aunt” was in. While the nurse looked at her computer screen, Kindle looked at all the papers on the desk. Heath’s name jumped out at her. She memorized his address.

“I’m sorry, miss…” The nurse looked up.

Kimber was running down the hall. She hurled herself down the stairs.

Chapter 60

The Clearing

While I drove, I searched directions on my phone for the biggest state park in Amelia Island. As soon as I was sure where to go, I turned off my phone, just in case Penny had found my phone and taken note of the number.

The drive was quiet. I didn’t listen to the radio or a CD. I didn’t even listen to my own thoughts. I just drove. The decisions were made. All I had to do was carry them out.

I exited off the freeway onto a rural highway. I passed a few restaurants near the exit and then a whole hell of a lot of farmland.

The day had shaped up to be beautiful, warm for this time of the year and entirely too damn sunny. I kept the AC on and the window up to block the farm smells.

Finally, I came to the state park. I stopped at the gate, paid my five bucks to get in, and then followed the map to the hiking area. The trails burrowed deep into the woods, far enough so that someone stepping off the path and getting lost was almost sure not to be found for a very long time.

As I parked, I wished I had something else to do with my car. I’d likely only be found because of it. Not much I could do now, though. I stood from the car and headed for the trail entrance. I paused to read the sign, to find the longest and hopefully least used trail.

I turned the corner onto the path and noticed as a car parked next to mine. Whoever it was, I hoped they picked a different trail. Just in case, I decided I ought to jog it. No one was likely to catch up with me, to see my face. No rescues and no identifications, not this time.

I passed no one on the trail. Map in hand, I kept track of where I was. I thought I heard a sound behind me, so I picked up the pace. It was probably just a squirrel or lizard or something.

I approached a bend in the trail. This looked like a good spot. If I stepped off the trail and hiked north, I’d be in the middle of nothing.

The brush wasn’t bad at first, and then it thickened. I kept going and hoped no one heard as the twigs snapped under my feet or as I pushed ferns out of my way.

Before I came to the marsh that was on the map, I came to a small clearing, higher up than the rest of the soggy ground. It was perfect, as if it was here on purpose. But I doubted even the rangers came back this far.

Bright green grass covered the ground like a silk bedspread. Branches hovered over the space and protected it from the harshness of the sun, while allowing splotchy light to filter through. The place was peaceful—just like I felt in my dreams of Kimber. Only, this time, I wouldn’t have to wake to the reality of life.

I unwrapped the bandages from my wrists. The skin around the stitches was red and puffy. The pain was a horrible dull ache that seemed to splinter out into my arm. A part of me rather liked the pain. It gave me something to focus on.

The leather pouch in my hand, I kneeled on the grass.

No prayers this time. God knew what I wanted. It was up to him to decide what to do. I couldn’t protect anyone. I had to trust him to do it.

I unsheathed the knife and tossed the pouch into the trees.

I paused to absorb the quiet, the aloneness. I was doing it right this time, better thought-out. No one would come to my “rescue” here.

Knife in one tightened fist, I lay my other hand against my thigh. The cut had to be deep, even deeper than last time. I wanted it to be over quickly.

The knife glinted in the sunlight.

I touched it to my skin.

“Heath,” a voice shouted.

It’s all in your head.
I gripped the blade tighter.

“Heath.” The sounds of twigs and brush.

I looked over my shoulder. In the shadows of the woods, there was some kind of movement, plants and branches being pushed aside.

I faced forward, away from the voice, and closed my eyes.
No one is here, Heath. You’re just finally going completely nuts.
I needed to save Penny the agony of seeing me be committed. I needed to die—right now.

The sounds grew closer. They were rushed. And then footsteps on the grass.

Heath, you son of a bitch, fucking do it.

“Heath,” Kimber’s voice whispered from just front of me.

My hand wouldn’t push at the blade. I knew she wasn’t real. She hated me, and she wouldn’t know how to find me, anyway. But I couldn’t ignore her, not even my hallucinations.

I kept my eyes closed, trying to make her go away. I couldn’t do this until she was gone—but I didn’t know how to fight her off. I never had. She was too strong.

Her voice shook, like she was scared. “Please don’t.”

I squeezed my eyes tighter and bowed my head. The blade remained on my skin. “You’re not real.”

“I am real. Please, Heath.”

“Shut up,” I roared.

Her breath pulled in.

“Don’t…Please don’t do this,” she said. “Please.”

A breeze flew through the clearing and rustled the leaves.

Fingertips on my hand.

I’d never felt the hallucinations before, not unless I was confusing Kimber for someone else.

I opened my eyes.

She was looking at me. Her beautiful eyes shone with moisture.

All I could do was look at her, my beautiful hallucination. Maybe this was one last desperate creation of my mind. Her skin was luminous in the sun, like sunlight glowing through a sheet of perfect ice. Her hair glowed with reds and golds.

A tear rolled down her cheek, like a raindrop from a lily petal. “I’m real,” she whispered.

I tilted my chin as I admired her, and my voice was calm, gentle. “Only in my mind.”

“I saw you leave your apartment without Penny,” she said. “And then I followed you.”

“You always follow me.”

Her expression strained, and another tear fell.

“Don’t cry,” I murmured.

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

My lips curved a little. “That’s how I know you’re not real.”

More tears. “I’m sorry, Heath. I didn’t know.”

“No,” I murmured, “don’t apologize. Just…be here with me.”

She kept looking at me, and for several minutes, I absorbed the sight of her. She was even beautiful when she cried.

With a trembling hand, she reached out. I looked down to see my hand still holding the knife. It hadn’t yet broken the stitches. I doubt I would’ve noticed if it had. I watched as she took the knife and set it on the ground behind her.

I was glad I’d chosen this spot. I could take my time, let go of my mental control. I could be with her for a few minutes.

“Do you see me?” she said.

“Yes.”

“Tell me something real.”

“I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

“Except what you feel. Do you trust that?”

“I get confused.”

“But not about how you feel.”

I paused, and my voice barely made sound. “No.”

“Do you care about me?”

I lifted my hand to touch her cheek and then thought better of it and set my hand back down on my thigh. I shouldn’t push the hallucination by trying to touch her. She might disappear.

“I always loved you,” I said. “I didn’t have a choice.”

The breeze died, and everything was quiet.

“I love you too,” she whispered.

I lowered my head and arched forward.
No, stop it. I can’t…Please, God.
I pressed my hands to my face and then back through my hair.

“Heath.”

“Don’t.”

“Please, Heath. Please look at me.”

“Stop,” I said through my teeth.

“I’m sorry.” Then gentle fingers on my arm.

I remembered the pain from the stitches, that it was worse when my hands were elevated, and lowered my hands back to my thighs. I looked up, and she was still there.

“Why are you here?” I said.

She paused. “To give you comfort.”

Comfort…She looked so real. I lifted my hand, and it hovered in the air next to her cheek. But I couldn’t touch her, couldn’t risk her disappearing. I needed her to stay a little longer.

She caught my hand before I dropped it. Her hand was soft and delicate like I remembered. Then she moved my hand closer and rested it on her cheek.

My lips parted. I couldn’t breathe right. I glided my thumb over her skin, and her lips curved a little.

“Your mind is clear,” she said, “when you’re with a woman.”

“With you.”

“Make love to me.”

“You’re not real.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Slowly, I shook my head.

“We’re alone,” she said. “It doesn’t matter if it’s real, only how it feels. I want to be with you again, like that night.”

I looked at her and felt her skin under my hand.

“Do you want me?” she said.

“Yes.”

“Kiss me.”

My chest expanded more fully. My body was warm.

With my eyes open, making sure she didn’t disappear, I moved closer.

Her red lips were soft and giving. And they moved with mine. She parted her lips, and my tongue slid against hers.

She tasted like Kimber, sweet and subtle. My hands on her skin, I caressed her, felt her softness and warmth, the way she reached for me. She tilted her head, and the kiss deepened.

I sat up on my knees and pulled her closer. I knew I wasn’t going to stop, that I wasn’t capable.

She lifted my shirt off, and I pulled at hers to untuck it. Then it was on the ground, and only a plain white bra covered her. My hand drifted down her skin.

Her hand on my chest, she pushed me back to lie on the cool grass. With my thigh between her legs, she kneeled over me.

She reached behind her back, and her bra loosened. She let it fall off her shoulders. Her breasts were perfect, creamy white. Her nipples were hard, and pink tinged her chest.

I swore my penis was about to break through my pants.

Her hands slid up my thighs to my hips, and her arms pressed her breasts together. My mouth watered.

Her hand rubbed over my penis, and I moaned.

She unbuttoned and unzipped my pants and then began pulling them off. I lifted my hips to help, and she dropped the rest of my clothes to the side.

She stood and slipped out of her pants. On my elbow, I watched as she stood before me. I knew, fully understood, she wasn’t real. But she was right—it didn’t matter. I didn’t care.