Love Me Again (29 page)

Tina's face lit up with delight. Scrambling out of her father's lap, she bounded into the waiting arms of the footman who had opened the door. This apparently was a common occurrence, for with a grin the young man swept her up and did not set her down until they were through the front entrance. Varek and Christina followed, neither touching. Varek looked grim and edgy. Christina simply felt defeated.

Once the door was closed behind them, Christina looked about in confusion, for Tina was nowhere to be seen.

“This way,” Varek directed gruffly as he extended his arm, indicating his study.

As they approached the entrance, Christina could hear Tina's voice, murmuring and crooning. She also heard what sounded like puppies, yipping and whining. With an arched brow, she looked up at Varek. He was staring down at her with a brooding intensity that made her want to draw him into her arms and sooth away the pain.

“Look!” Startled, Christina spun around to see Tina standing before her with a wiggling little tan pup in her arms, which were extended to her. “She is yours. Papa said that this is the one you would want.”

Christina's mouth fell open as she looked down at the precious bundle that stared up at her with a pair of eyes that were so familiar it brought tears to her own eyes. “My God,” she whispered as she dropped her reticule and gently took the tiny creature into her hands. Immediately she brought the pup up to her face and laid her cheek on the velvety head. Confused, she looked at Varek. The tenderness in his eyes told her all.

“Kayla's granddaughter,” he said simply.

Trembling, Christina hugged the puppy closer. It squirmed and wiggled and wanted nothing more than to plant messy puppy kisses all over her face. All at once, she was laughing and crying. When she had left Varek all those years ago, she had also left behind her best friend, and the child of her heart, Kayla, the Italian Greyhound that Varek had given her on her twenty-first birthday. She had never let herself dwell on that loss, which had left yet another hole in her heart.

Christina, glanced up sharply, as Varek's words sank in. “Her granddaughter? Then in there...” she looked toward the study. “...is her daughter? Where is Kayla?”

Varek's smile faded. “She's gone, Christina. She...” he hesitated, then finished slowly, “she was never the same after you left. She just slowly faded away.”
As I wanted to.

Christina buried her face against the puppy's wiggling body.

Seeing Christina's tears, Tina asked fearfully, “Don't you like her?”

Immediately, Christina looked up. Sniffling back her tears, she knelt down beside the little girl. Holding the pup in one arm, she swept Tina up in a tight embrace and held her close. “I love her, Tina! She is the best present I have ever received. Ever!”

Tina threw her arms around Christina's neck and hugged her back.

Varek swallowed thickly and, not able to take any more, he spun around on his heel and hurried out of the room. Christina was aware of his departure, and her tears this time were for a different reason.

“Want to see her mama and brother?”

“Indeed I do.”

Christina stumbled to her feet and Tina tugged on her hand, pulling her along behind her. Looking over her shoulder, Christina searched in vain for Varek, but he was nowhere to be seen.

The dream was indeed over.

The shadows were fading as evening slowly settled in. The room was stifling hot and still Christina was cold, shivering under her nest of blankets. Her body ached and her nose felt raw and blistered.

She had a blasted cold and she was miserable.

Mostly miserable because this confounded affliction had prevented her from spending time with Varek and Tina. And time was running out. Wellington was expected by the end of the week, and Robert.

She was feeling decidedly sulky when she looked about the room, which had been her prison for the past few days. She was bored and restless. She felt unloved and forgotten ... though why she should feel that she had no idea, for Varek was constantly sending over something: a book, soup, flowers, toys for her puppy, a variety of doctors, himself, whom she adamantly refused to see. She had her pride, after all, and she looked every bit as awful as she felt.

A painful sneeze exploded from her, and with a disgusted moan, she plucked at the covers that felt like an infant's swaddling. Peevish, she glared toward the door. Lud, how long did it take to walk one little dog? Helen should have been back ages ago. She missed her puppy.

She sighed when the door finally opened, but then was startled senseless when Robert entered the room. She lay there staring at him as if he were the last person in the world she expected to see. And he was.

Robert walked slowly to the foot of the bed and stood there, looking uncomfortable as he shifted from foot to foot, like a recalcitrant schoolboy who had been found out in a bit of mischief. He was travel-stained, obviously weary, and a couple days growth of beard shadowed his jaw. She had never seen him looking so unkempt.

Opening her mouth to say something, she sneezed instead, which actually suited her, coward that she was. Burying her nose in one of the pristine kerchiefs arranged in a neat pile at her side, she didn't know what to say, let alone how to feel.

“I heard you were not feeling well,” he began, his words as hesitant as his manner. He could barely look her in the eye.

“A mere cold, more bothersome than worrying,” she assured him through her nasal congestion. “What are you doing here? I thought Wellington was not supposed to enter Vienna for several days at least.”

Robert shrugged. “'Tis what he wanted. He abhors fanfare, so he decided to come ahead of schedule.” He sent her a sideways glance. He waited, as if expecting her to say something.

Which she should. Gently, she wiped her nose, thinking furiously. It was never easy for her to dissemble, and it was terrible how unhappy she was to see him. What a horrible person she had become, she thought bleakly. Taking a deep breath, she gave him a wane smile. “I am so sorry, Robert. I was hoping to be over this by the time you arrived. I must look an absolute fright.”

Robert's smile looked relieved as he sat down carefully on the foot of the bed. Her answering smile was tentative at best. “You are always beautiful to me, Christina. Surely you know that.”

That caught her off stride, and Christina peered more closely at him through the dusky light. It had been so long since he had offered her a compliment. “Is something wrong, Robert?” She couldn't help being suspicious. Fear suddenly gripped her. “Is Eddie all right?”

Robert frowned at her. “Of course he is. At least I believe he is.”

Sighing, she wiped her nose and settled back into her pillows. “I'm sorry, it is just that you are acting so strangely.”

He flushed as he looked away, then busied himself with lighting the lamp on her bedside table. “Forgive me. It is just that...” After finishing with the lamp he stood up and wandered over to the window, where he stared out into the clear evening. “I feel awful. I have since I last left you. I was an unconscionable bastard.”

Christina looked down at her hands. She knew she should demur, but she held stubbornly silent, for she could not help but agree with him. Finally, she said, “It is all right, Robert. You have been under much stress. The whole delegation has.”

He turned back to face her. “Don't make excuses for me, Christina. What I did ... well, it embarrasses me. It angers me that I treat you so, hurting you, when all I want is to love you. All I want is for you to love me.” He rubbed his forehead. “The problem is, I want you to love me the way you do him. While I was away I did a lot of thinking. Too much thinking, truth be told.” He gave a bitter laugh. “It made me realize that I can't demand your love to suit my expectations.”

Christina leaned forward, her hand outstretched, “Robert,”

“Christina, please,” he cut in harshly. “I need to say this.” He waited till she reluctantly relaxed again. “When I met you, my life became centered on you. I wanted you, and that was all that mattered. I didn't care who you were. I didn't care what you wanted. I didn't care where you came from.” For the first time he looked her straight in the eye. “I didn't care. One way or another I would have won you. When I brought you to Kerkmoor I was actually exultant that Edward took to you so well, because I finally had something he couldn't have. You were mine, and only mine.”

Frightened where this was heading, she helplessly shook her head, but he paid her no heed as he walked about the room. He didn't appear upset or angry, merely contemplative. “That pleased me, you see. The fact that you didn't want to go to London pleased me yet more, for I knew that you would always be there at Kerkmoor, waiting for me. I didn't have to worry about which men were sniffing around your skirts and which men you would find attractive. I have never liked my possessions poached on. Edward would be the first to tell you that I have always had problems dealing with my jealousy. Edward believes it is because I am resentful of being born the second son, and all that rot.”

Christina stared at him, stunned. “Is that what I am? Your possession?”

He stopped and stared down at her as if seeing her for the first time. “I have to admit that once upon a time that was how I thought of you. I have always loved you, you know, from the first moment I saw you. But at the beginning it was a matter of ownership. I had to have you.”

She smiled at him bitterly. “As you had to have your prize stallion, Goliath?”

Sadly, he shook his head. “At one time, yes, but now I find myself wanting above all to see you happy. I love you that much, Christina.”

She blinked up at him. “What are you saying?” she whispered.

He paused, his jaw tensed with inner turmoil. His chest was rising and falling as his tension grew. “I don't know. That is the problem. I know you are not happy. I know what it would take to make you happy, and yet I don't know if I am noble enough to make the sacrifice. Does that make sense?”

Christina realized she was staring at a stranger. He looked familiar, yet this man's eyes were those of a stranger. Since coming to Vienna the man she had loved and felt comfortable with had been replaced by this rather perplexing enigma, with whom she had not the slightest idea of how to deal. “Robert, do you believe I am not happy with you?”

He studied her with wary distrust. “Can you say you are?”

“I can tell you I have not liked the man you have become since coming to Vienna.”

He stretched his arms wide and said with a sense of regret, “Behold the man that I am, Christina.”

Confused, she shook her head. “The man I know is gentle and generous and...”

“The man you knew never felt threatened. Since coming to Vienna I feel as if my world has been yanked from beneath my very feet. I see the woman I love with a passion I never even suspected gazing at a stranger with a passion she has never shown me. You have given me no reason to be gentle and generous when you are on the verge of taking away everything I live for.”

She was shaking her head, “What am I taking away from you, Robert?”

“Yourself!” he shouted. Then he caught himself and raised clenched fists to his eyes. “God, Christina, look at me! I can't think straight anymore.”

Christina's head was pounding with a pain that made her dizzy. Helplessly, she sneezed, then sneezed again. “Robert, I don't understand...”

“Of course you understand, Christina,” he replied wearily, his arms dropping limp at his side.

Tears in her eyes, she stared up at him, “No, I don't. I do love you, Robert, and as soon as this horrid Congress is over, I will be returning home with you. What more do you want?”

Your soul,
he thought, as ever jealous for everything
. I want what you have always given him.
His lips twisted wryly. “Ever the dutiful wife, eh, Christina? But there are many forms of love, aren't there?”

Resentment suddenly twisted in her heart. “Yes, there are, and you loved me like a possession.”

“And now it is you who possess me,” he told her softly. “And that's the problem, you see. You don't want me.”

The silence between them grew deafening as they stared at each other. When the door opened and a little tan body came hurtling through, nails scrabbling on the slick wooden floor, Christina was thankful for the interruption. Helen, walked in, with the puppy's leash trailing in her hands. “The little lady was a good girl...” Her words trailed off when she noticed the viscount standing next to the bed. Immediately she dropped into a curtsey. “My lord, welcome back.”

Robert was too busy staring down at the tiny creature sniffing at his boots to reply. “What is that?” he demanded irately as he sidestepped awkwardly away from the little beast that was now intent on grabbing hold of the swinging tassel on his boot.

Helen retrieved the puppy and put her into Christina's outstretched hands. Smiling, she cuddled it close and kissed the cock-eyed ears and happily received an equal amount of squirming love, which was mostly excited whimpers and sharp little nibbles that passed for kisses. “This little lady is Katie.”

Seeing how laughter had softened his wife's face, which only a moment earlier had been stiff with strain, he shook his head in disbelief. Every time he turned around that bastard was doing something to put that look in
his wife's
eyes.

Looking over at Robert, Christina instantly saw the anger in her husband. “She was a gift from a little girl.”

Little girl, be damned! Did she take him for a fool? “Well, as you are busy, I will come back at another time.”

Surprised, Christina watched as, without another word, he stalked past Helen and out the door. In the distance she heard the door to their apartment slam shut. A question in her eyes, Helen turned to look at Christina.

Looking away, Christina busied herself with the playfully growling pup, teasing her with a knotted rag. Katie's whole life centered around a good game of tug-of-war.

Sadly, Christina was thinking that now that Robert was back she couldn't see Varek again. She was, after all, Robert's possession.