Love Me Again (2 page)

Closing her eyes, Christina dropped her head back onto the pillows feeling unutterably weary. With gentle fingers she stroked his silky golden hair, so familiar to her. His face felt feverish against her, his arms sweet torture as he held her close.

As if her whole life was flashing before her eyes, she recalled every sweet and passionate moment in her long life with Varek. From the instant she met him as a love-struck child till this last disastrous moment. How would she ever be able to continue on with her life? How would she be able to carry on day after day when all her dreams, ideals, and passions would always belong to Varek? A tear escaped her tightly closed eyes.
So, this is how the end feels
.

Biting down hard on her bottom lip, she refused to cry. If she started, she knew she would never be able to stop. She wondered how long one could survive with a broken heart.

When Varek climbed up onto the bed and took her into his warm embrace, she wrapped her arms about his neck. At least for this last moment he was still hers.

A moment that would have to last them a lifetime.

England

August 1814

The sound of laughter drifted lazily on the breeze, making her smile as she clipped another rose. Holding the pink blossom to her nose, she turned and shaded her eyes against the sun before she found the comical sight of her son clumsily chasing butterflies, his net ridiculously overlarge in his chubby fists. With a sigh, she turned back, and after placing the long-stemmed beauty with the others in her basket, she moved onto the next bush. Of all her garden, this heavily laden bush glowed with the orange-pink tinted blooms that were her pride and joy, as she had grafted this hybrid herself. Since childhood she had been striving for this very shade. Varek would have been so proud...

Her mind slammed shut on that wayward thought.

The joy suddenly gone from her pruning, she stripped off her gloves and placed them with her knife in the basket. Turning, she began to saunter toward the joyful voices lifted in encouragement as Eddie spun in another direction and scampered away after the teasing creatures.

“Come, come, Eddie, my boy, you can do better than that!” his uncle, the Duke of Kerkston, shouted in playful teasing. “Reach, m'boy, reach!”

Throwing a concentrated frown over his shoulder at his revered uncle, the toddler indeed tried his best and swung the net with all his might. Everyone laughed uproariously as his determination led to no more then a trip and tumble onto the plush green grass. Stunned, the child lay on his tummy, his body tangled in three feet of netting. Then came his excited cry from amid the twisted netting. “I've got him, sir! I've got him!”

“Jolly good, Eddie, m'boy, we shall dine hardy tonight, by Jove!”

Christina couldn't help but join in the laughter as her son began to wriggle backward, until he finally shucked free of his cocoon and raced toward the duke, a wad of netting held carefully in his hands, the frame of the net bouncing along behind him. Proudly, he held out his offering to the duke. He squealed in delight when his uncle grabbed him up and placed him soundly on his blanketed lap. Christina leaned down to pet the newest addition to the family, a cocker spaniel, which Eddie had immediately christened Pal. The puppy only added to the din surrounding the impromptu picnic.

She handed her basket of blooms to one of the hovering footmen and made her way over to her brother-in-law and her son.

“Mama, look, see what I got!” A wide, brilliant smile was turned up to her.

Obediently, she leaned down and admired the day's catch. “Oh, my, now that is a pretty one. I don't believe I've seen that one before.”

Eddie shook his head. “No. Uncle said this one is the bestest one yet. Tell Mama that's what you said, sir!” the child entreated, looking up at his idol.

“Indeed, it is, madam. Lord Edward has found the rarest specie of", and he coughed over some exaggerated term, causing her to bite her lip, while trying to maintain a studiously interested look, “...I have yet to see. You must name it, young man, and we shall submit it to the Royal Butterfly Academy.”

Eddie's little brow wrinkled in thought.

Edward cast Christina a sideways glance and winked.

Fondly, she smiled back. Edward St. Pole, Duke of Kerkston, was possibly the kindest, most generous man she had ever met, and every day she blessed the fates for her good luck in sharing his life. Even the freak hunting accident that had left him crippled and in constant debilitating pain had not altered his generous spirit.

When the flicker of a grimace crossed his grace's gaunt face, she immediately lifted the energetic toddler off his lap and bounced him on her hip. Sweet heaven, but he was getting big!

“Oh, here, madam, let me take him!” entreated his young nurse, Katie. “His lordship is getting too big a handful for you.”

Laughing, Christina gave her son a smacking kiss on his flushed cheek and handed him gratefully over, her back straining. “He is, indeed. Goodness, in a few days he will be able to carry me about.”

“Aye, my lady, that he will.” The girl set Eddie on his feet, and soon both heads were bent over his prize, still captured in the wad of netting.

With a sigh, Christina sank down on the cool grass beside the duke's chair and accepted the glass of lemonade handed to her by a footman. “How are you feeling today, Edward?” she asked as she squinted against the sun, searching his pale features.

He shrugged, offering her a faint smile. Biting her lip, Christina looked down at her glass and traced a drop of condensation down its side.

It was so hard for her at times to look into his ravaged face. Once he had been such a handsome man, but the unending pain was taking its toll on his body. Over the last three years he had steadily lost weight till now he was only a shadow of what he had been. She finally had to admit to herself that he was getting worse. At this rate he would die of starvation and lack of sleep, for he denied himself the crutch of laudanum, preferring clearheaded pain to the hazy, heavy lethargy of the drug. The doctors had all been wrong in their protestations that there was nothing wrong with his legs, that it was all in his mind. God, how she hated them all! What did doctors know anyway? What good were they? Bitterly, she thought of all the years she had sought their help during her failed pregnancies. Again, none of them had any answers for her. They had probably thought it was all in her mind, too, she reflected with morbid humor.

Still, one never knew; there might be that one miracle out there....

Swallowing, she reached over and grasped his hand. “Maybe we should see that doctor in Prague. They say,”

Covering her hand with his, Edward shook his head. “No, my dear. I'm through with all those quacks. I fear they have done more harm to me than good over the years. I wish to let nature take its course. ’Tis best, I believe.”

Christina snatched her hand away and shifted away from him. Breathing deeply, she looked out over the beauty of the man-made lake. She didn't want to think about nature and fate and all that rubbish. Down that path lay only heartache and loss. Immeasurable loss.

Clearing her throat, she tried for a lighter subject. “Robert should be home in a few days. I received a letter from him this morning. The suite is due to leave for Vienna by the end of the month.”

When there was nothing but silence behind her, she turned and looked curiously up at her brother-in-law. He was watching her closely, too closely. She didn't like the look in his gentle gaze. “What is it?”

“How do you feel about going to Vienna? You have never been out in society with Robert, and now with these plans to attend this Congress...” his comment trailed off.

She stared at him perplexed, wondering why he sounded so worried. It was true that since she had married Robert in a secret ceremony in Italy and had arrived at Kerkmoor, she had chosen never to leave its borders. She wanted nothing to do with the outside world. She certainly didn't want tales of her gossiped about in the salons of England only to end up in a trail that could possibly lead Varek to her. Kerkmoor was her sanctuary and, thankfully, Robert had been content to let her hide away in the wilds of Yorkshire, never demanding that she act as hostess to his ambitions in London. And now, for the first time since their marriage, he was making a request of her, and in all conscience, she could not deny him. Even if it meant going to Vienna.

Christina's eyes slid closed.
Vienna.
She knew every street and alley in that beautiful old city. She and Varek had spent the months after their wedding rediscovering everything there was to know about its history and people. Vienna was their city. How did she feel about going to Vienna? Terrified.

Striving for calm, she took a sip of the cool liquid and almost choked, so constricted was her throat. “It should be interesting. History will be made during this meeting of the Allies, and I shall be proud to be a part of it.” How smoothly she had learned to lie.

Edward looked down at his hands. When he spoke his voice was so low she could barely hear him. “The chances are great that you will see him again. You do realize this, don't you?”

Christina's heart began to slam against her chest. She stared at Edward in shock.
How did he know?
No, she was just imagining something deeper behind his words. Wetting her lips, she asked coolly, “Of whom do you speak, Edward?”

Edward pinned her with a look that took her breath away. The sympathy radiating from his perceptive gaze almost made her want to run. “I'm sorry, my dear, but I do know who you are. When you first arrived I had you investigated. It took me a while, but I did find out all about you. Why you chose to keep your background a mystery from my brother is your affair. However, as head of this family I could no more allow a stranger with no past walk into our midst than I would allow a member of my family to knowingly endanger their life.”

The glass slipped from her nerveless fingers. She rose to her feet and stood staring down on this man whom she loved above her own husband. She felt hurt and humiliated. He knew all about her and her failures! Suddenly, she felt light-headed and close to swooning. Her breath came in tight little pants from which she couldn't seem to draw an even breath.
He knew it all!

Turning, she stumbled and would have run away, but Edward was too quick. He might look frail and weak, but his grip was strong enough as it bit into her wrist. In a fog she heard him clip out some curt orders and as if in slow motion all the people meandering about melted away. Vaguely, she heard her son calling to her, his voice sounding fretful.

“Christina. Christina!”

Blinking, she realized she was on her knees directly in front of Edward with both her hands clasped firmly in his and resting on his knees. She looked up at him and saw that he was talking to her. Dimly, she began to hear him.

“...Do you understand me, Christina? It doesn't matter. You have nothing to be ashamed of.”

In amazement she stared at him and then laughed. She heard the tinge of hysteria in her laughter, but couldn't seem to control it. “Nothing to be ashamed of? If that is your belief, then you know nothing of me. Nothing!” She felt violated somehow now that all her past pains and losses were exposed. Angrily, she tried to twist her hands free of his grip, but he would not let her go. His hold was inflexible.

“I know everything, your highness,” he said grimly.

Managing to free herself, she surged to her feet. “Don't call me that,” she shouted down at him. “Don't you ever dare call me that again!”

“Christina.” The sudden gentling of his voice and manner caused her to pause, and warily she watched him. What was she expecting him to do? Repudiate her? Mock her? She was too overwrought to think clearly, and so she just stared at him, waiting for him to make the next move.

Silently, he held out his hands. She noticed they were trembling. “Come here. Please,” he entreated softly. Taking a deep breath, she looked about her, and even though she was still tempted to run, she slowly sank back down and placed her hands into his. When he pulled her closer, she went, laying her forehead against their entwined hands, unable to look him in the eye.

What was she doing, raising her voice to him like that? Never had she raised her voice to this man who meant so much to her. Varek had been the love of her life and always would be. Years ago she had stopped punishing herself for the guilty sin of loving another man while married to Robert. And Edward had been a large factor in this momentous decision of acceptance, though he didn't even know it. Edward was like a cool, tumbling brook of soothing water, easing her life and making it that more bearable. Even though he was not all that older than herself, he was almost like the father she had never known, nurturing and supportive during the times she had felt the most alone. She knew that in his eyes she could do no wrong. And always wanting to remain perfect in his eyes, she had striven to be just that. Perfect in every way possible: the perfect wife, the perfect chatelaine for Kerkmoor, the perfect mother. But now, how could she possibly be perfect when he knew her deepest secrets?

“Does Robert know?”

“I didn't feel it was my place to tell Robert. I know you are probably smiling at that absurd thought, but I have never tried to interfere between you and Robert. He appears content with what he knows of you, and you have your reasons for your silence. I have respected those reasons. After all, they are harming no one.” She heard him take a deep breath. “However, that all may change very soon now. Robert has always been a bit...” he paused for a minute before continuing with care, “Robert tends to be possessive of what he considers his own.”

Christina looked up, a puzzled frown creasing her brow. “Possessive? Robert? I have never found him so.”

Smiling, he brushed a tendril of hair behind her ear. “You have never given him cause to show it as you have never left Kerkmoor or gone out into society. But he can be difficult to deal with at times if he feels his toes are being trod upon. I believe it is because he has been relegated to what he felt was an inferior position as second son all his life. And I must admit that our father was at fault in regards as how he had always treated Robert.” He stopped there, not feeling comfortable continuing, though Christina could see he was tempted to tell her more.