Love & Loss (4 page)

‘You think?’

‘From what I understand he used to go out on the pull with Gabe all the time. He’s a good looking guy, if sex was the only thing he was after he could go and get laid any night of the week. You told me the exact same thing when I was having doubts about Gabe. Doug’s still with you and look how good he’s been with me since Sunday, visiting me and texting me. He has such a big heart Lex.’

‘I know, I’m just not sure I do.’

‘I’ll come and bitch slap you in a minute Clarke, Women’s Wrestling League style. Look how amazing you’ve been with me over all this and ever since we met. You do have a heart Lex, you’re just cautious who you give it to, just like I am.’

‘We should be lesbian life partners,’ she sighed. ‘We get on great, trust each other and know we’re for life.’

‘Yeah, but I’d miss the sex.’

‘Hey if I decided to be a lesbian I’d be the best damn lesbian out there,’ she said firmly.

‘
Ewwww
stop, you’d seriously go down on a woman?’

‘A choice of no sex, or lesbian sex sure. It would be like a cat licking its arse.’

‘What?’ I laughed.

‘Well they probably don’t like doing it, I bet it doesn’t taste good, but they do it anyway out of necessity. I’d be that arse licking cat, I’d chow down out of necessity.’

‘You’re so grossing me out right now.’

‘You’re saying you don’t think I’ve got it in me?’

‘I don’t think you’re flexible enough to lick your own arse,’ I grinned.

‘I meant giving you oral not
that.
’

‘You know I’m now traumatised for life by this visual? It’s so wrong.’

‘Not like I’d go there,’ she huffed. ‘Just saying if I did you’d be screaming for more. You don’t think you’d be a good lesbian for me?’

‘I don’t think I’d be a good lesbian for anyone Lex, muff just doesn’t appeal to me. If it was just you and me left in the world and I was that desperate, I’d get myself off instead.’

‘Charming, you’re saying my pussy’s not good enough for you?’

‘Stop diverting from a serious conversation with
seriously
disturbing girl on girl talk. You always do that to shock me into forgetting what we were talking about.’

‘I’ve talked enough about it for one day thanks. All this relationship shit
and
talking about it is all new to me. I’ll digest what we’ve discussed today and we can talk more tomorrow ok?’

‘Lex, just think carefully about this. Please don’t make a rash decision and if you’re going to end it, do it nicely. He deserves that, he’s really sweet and we’re still going to be seeing him if Gabe and I work things out.’

‘
If
Gabe and you work things out?’

‘It’s not a foregone conclusion. I’d love to work it out with him, but it’s so complicated. I don’t know how long he needs to recover or if I’ll make him worse.’

‘You didn’t see him on Monday Mia, I don’t think he could get any worse.’

‘Thanks, that’s not exactly making me feel better about all of this. Besides we were talking about you and Doug, not me and Gabe.’

‘Don’t you wonder if it would have been easier if we’d just stayed as we were? Me fucking around and you staying single?’ she asked with a heavy sigh.

‘I don’t know Lex. When it’s good with Gabe, it’s really amazing, I can’t imagine ever being more happy, but when it’s bad …’ I shook my head and sighed. ‘I’ve never experienced feeling so awful before either, so I guess you just have to weigh up if the good times outweigh the bad. Isn’t that better than plodding along feeling nothing for anyone?’

‘I don’t know, I was doing ok,’ she shrugged. ‘At least I was having penetrative orgasms.’

‘You can have those with a vibrator Lex, but that doesn’t give you someone to have fun with, or share things with, or to hug you when you’re down.’

‘I have you for that,’ she smiled.

‘Well yes that’s true and we
are
going to do some of the fun tonight. I plan on getting wasted to take my mind off all this crap.’

‘Dressing up?’

‘No, jeans and a jumper. We’re only hitting the student bar and playing pool so I don’t want to waste valuable drinking time coming home to get changed. Right come on, I need to start on that assignment for English if I don’t want another pep talk from Jenkins. Just remember that you can always talk to me Lex, no matter what’s going on with me.’

‘Thanks.’ She gave me a grateful smile and I got up and cleared up the bags and wrappers and we settled into some study for a couple of hours until it was time to go. I went and changed and put on my new Emu boots and coat and Lexi appeared in her ripped jeans, white t-shirt, biker boots and jacket.

‘Loving the coat and boots,’ she exclaimed.

‘Thanks, Gabe spent way too much on me in the Emu store.’

‘Lucky cow.’

‘I’d rather have no gifts and just have an easy time with him. Do you think all relationships are as difficult as ours are? Or is it just us? Are we the problem?’

‘Who knows, but I reckon a skin full of cheap beer will make us both feel a lot better about everything and at least you’ll be toasty warm.’

‘I will,’ I smiled as I belted my coat and was hit with a visual of wearing it out the back of the club in Edinburgh as Gabe was furiously fucking me up against the wall. God I missed him so much, sex too.

‘I didn’t know Emu’s were woolly,’ Lex frowned as she ran her hand over my coat.

‘What?’

‘Well how many parts do they have? You have a woolly coat
and
suede boots. I thought Emu’s had feathers.’

‘What
are
you going on about?’

‘I don’t get how you can make all these different textures out of an Emu.’

‘Please tell me you’re joking?’ I giggled.

‘What’s so funny?’

‘They don’t make all the stuff they sell
out of
Emu’s Lexi, it’s just a name for the brand of clothing and accessories.’

‘It is?’ She looked at me surprised.

‘Yes,’ I nodded as I wiped a tear of laughter from my eye. ‘Please tell me that  you haven’t tried to find out what type of creature an Ugg is?’

‘Don’t be so stupid,’ she muttered as her cheeks went bright pink. I screeched with laughter and had to hold onto the hall table. ‘O Lex, I do love you, you’re so funny.’

‘O sod off you,’ she chuckled. We headed down to the bus and I sat staring out of the window wondering what Gabe was doing and if he was ok.

I was distracted all through English and kept staring at his chair and jumped when Lexi nudged me.

‘Just go and bloody see him,’ she said firmly.

‘What?’

‘You’re somewhere else Mia, you’re daydreaming and doodling his bloody name. Go and sort it out.’

I looked down at my pad of paper. She was right, I’d scribbled his name all over my book, like a bloody teenager with a crush. Well I guess I was, but more like a teenager in love and lust than with a crush. Crushes faded, I wasn’t sure I’d ever get over Gabe. I couldn’t even sleep without dreaming about him and everything seemed to remind me of him. I felt like I was hollow inside, nothing I did was filling the void left by the lack of contact with him over the last few days.

‘No,’ I sighed. ‘It’s still too soon.’

Lexi sighed, shook her head and carried on with the lecture as I tried desperately to focus. I gulped back the coffee she came back with after break but refused the muffin which made her tut and roll her eyes at me. Milo bounded down the stairs as the lecture ended and smiled at us.

‘Ready to go? Some of the boys are going to meet us in the bar.’

‘Yes. I. Am.’ I announced firmly as I stood and shoved my books in my bag. I’d never been so keen to go and drown my sorrows as I was now. We dumped our bags in the gym lockers and headed back to the student bar, which was already busy. It was only just after five, I was amazed. How did all these students afford to be out drinking on a Thursday at this time? If it wasn’t for my dad’s allowance and Mum and Gerry paying my bills and food, I’d have to work most of my free time to keep the apartment going, let alone be able to afford to drink. I nodded as Milo asked if I wanted a beer.

‘You ok?’ Lexi asked, bumping me on the shoulder.

‘Yes, sorry. Just wondering how all these students can afford to drink all the time.’

‘Maybe all of them have Dad’s who pay their allowances. I’m thinking I need to get a job after Christmas, I can’t keep relying on you and using my student loan money.’

‘I was thinking the same, I’m not keen on having this monthly allowance from Dad when we don’t even have a relationship.’

‘You’re going to look at bar work or waitressing too right? That’s what I’m thinking about.’

‘Are you joking? Pay and hours are rubbish. I told you if I’m going to work I’m going to do it at Peppers. Shaking these bad girls I could earn a weeks wages in one night.’

‘O my God. I thought you were half joking! I thought Gabe was against that?’

‘No, he said he’d let me try again and I want to. Anyway if we are going to work this out I don’t see why I should let him tell me what I can or can’t do Lex. Even more so after this last week. I need to be able to make my own decisions and not be bulldozed by anyone.’

‘Christ that’s really not going to go down well.’

‘What’s not going to go down well?’ asked Milo as he handed us our bottles of beer.

‘Us hustling you and your mates at pool,’ I smiled as I shot Lexi a warning glance. I didn’t want Milo knowing that I was planning on doing pole or lap dancing to earn my cash.

‘Think you can beat us do you?’

‘Care to wager something on it?’ asked Lexi with a smile. She’d spent as much time in the pool hall as I had, even though she’d agree I was a better player. Milo called a few of his friends over and we agreed on the loser buying rounds. The lads were mortified when they realised how good we were and we spent the next three hours playing, laughing and drinking without spending a penny. I felt more relaxed than I had all week and incredibly merry,
very
quickly and when the DJ came in to set up I was first onto the dance floor and Lexi couldn’t drag me off.

I was happily dancing on a table with all the guys cheering me on and Lexi standing to the side shaking her head at me. The combination of too many beers and very little to eat in days suddenly hit me, hard. I swayed and pinched the top of my nose and the last I remembered was falling and a pair of arms catching me.

I groaned as I woke up, my head was killing me and my mouth was dry as sandpaper. I threw my arm over my face and sighed. How the hell had I ended up in bed? I remembered going to the bar, playing pool and dancing and then nothing, complete blackness. I sighed again, struggled upright and opened my eyes and gasped, I was in Gabe’s bedroom.

‘Hi,’ a low voice murmured. I turned my head squinting, I still felt drunk. I caught my breath to see him sitting in a tub chair at the side of the bed looking at me. He looked how I felt, but even with the lack of sleep and worry showing on his face, along with the black eye, bruised jaw and rough stubble, he still made my stomach flip.

‘Hi,’ I whispered, gulping as a rush of emotion hit me to see him again.

‘How are you feeling?’

‘Rough as a very grizzly bears arse. What am I doing here?’ I could feel my heart rate speeding up, God I’d missed him so much. He was wearing my favourite dark navy jeans and a fitted white shirt and had one ankle up on his knee as he steepled his fingers, his elbows resting on the edge of the chair, his sad eyes studying me intently.

‘Lexi called me and asked Doug and I to come and get you. Thank God she did, you were …’ he sighed, shook his head and looked down at his fingers. I swear I’d never seen anyone so handsome, anyone who gave off such a raw masculine vibe. No woman in close proximity to him stood a chance of resisting him if he decided he wanted them. He just oozed sex and it still stunned me that he was mine, at least I hoped he was still mine. I wasn’t really sure where we stood at the moment. I looked down and realised I was only dressed in my underwear.

‘Did you … did we …’ I stammered blushing.

‘No of course not,’ he retorted quickly, and flashed me a
how could you even ask me that?
look. ‘You were completely wasted Mia. I undressed you, but didn’t think it was appropriate to take off your underwear given our current situation.’

‘Which is?’ I asked breathlessly, desperately trying to stop my body’s reactions to seeing him again after so long.

‘I think you need to tell me that Mia. You tried to break it off with me on Sunday,’ he whispered, looking at me expectantly and slightly afraid.

‘Then you did with me,’ I reminded him.

‘I was scared of hurting you.’

‘You did hurt me Gabe,’ I stated and saw him grimace as his eyes flicked to my bruised arms and a veil of pain set across his face. I automatically reached up and folded my arms across my chest and covered the offending reminders with my hands. ‘I’m not talking about the bruises, I’m talking about what you said. I was angry and tired and wanted to get away from you, from the argument. I didn’t want to end our relationship.’

‘Really?’ he asked, looking up at my face, the relief evident on his.

‘Yes really, but it doesn’t mean that you didn’t hurt me with your words or actions.’

‘I know,’ he sighed, running a hand over his face and I could hear the stubble scratching his palm. ‘I’m so sorry Mia. There’s no justification for my actions, I don’t know how to even start to explain or apologise. I’ll understand if you can’t forgive me or if you don’t … if you don’t love me anymore.’  He never for a second took his sad eyes off me, he looked so broken and it made me catch my breath to hear the depth of pain in his voice. He thought I’d stopped loving him?
Already?
Just because we’d had a nasty fight? I couldn’t bear it any longer, the distance between us was physically so minimal, but emotionally we may as well have been on opposite continents and I suddenly knew that I wanted to bridge both gaps.

‘O Gabe,’ I sighed. I pulled the duvet back and took him by surprise by scrambling over and climbing into his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face into it. My body trembled as I felt his hard chest against mine and his strong arms carefully wrap around me. He smelled even better than I remembered and I sighed happily as I felt a familiar erection growing under my thigh.

‘O God Mia,’ he groaned as his arms tightened, very gently, around me, anchoring me to him. He nosed into my hair and lay a trail of kisses on my head. ‘I’ve missed you,
so much
.’

‘Me too,’ I whispered as I nuzzled his neck. ‘Of course I still love you Gabe, I don’t think there’s anything you could ever do that would stop me loving you, but it doesn’t mean that we don’t have problems.’

‘So if we still love each other, where do we go from here?’ he asked and I had to remind myself that this was a serious conversation, and not to sing the rest of that song from the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer back to him.

‘I think we need to talk, honestly, without arguing.’

‘Why did you run away yesterday?’

‘I couldn’t face you, it was too soon.’

‘How long would you have waited?’

‘I don’t know. I seem to make you stressed and mad,
all the time,
and you don’t need that at the moment, especially not in your state.’ I felt him stiffen underneath me.

‘What do you mean by that?’

‘You’re not
well
Gabe, why didn’t you tell me?’ I asked as I raised my face to look at him.

‘Lexi?’ he sighed as he reached up and ran a hand through his hair with one hand and gently held the nape of my neck to keep me looking at him.

‘No, Doug.’

‘He’s bloody hopeless at keeping secrets,’ he said with a frown. ‘I didn’t want you feeling like you
had
to come back to me because you felt sorry for me Mia. If you weren’t ready to come and see me yet, then I don’t think you should be here now, it’s too much to expect you to deal with me in this state and I don’t want to make excuses for myself. This bloody condition hasn’t made me like this, it’s just amplified the worst sides of my personality.’ He stayed looking at me, holding me in his grasp.

‘That all involve me?’

‘Yes, because I love you Mia and I’m so scared of losing you or something happening to you,’ he said softly and very slowly moved his hand, hovering over my cheek without touching, as if he expected me to flinch from him. I quickly leaned into it and sighed.

‘I want to help you get better Gabe. I want to understand what you’re going through and to try to work with you, but you have to talk to me, not shut me out.’

‘I hadn’t realised that I had a problem Mia, not until this weekend. When I’m with you I’m fine, it’s the thought of you being away from me that sets me off. I can’t protect you if I’m not with you. It was Doug and Dad that pointed out that I was out of order barging in on your night out on Sunday, then when Doug starting pointing out everything I’d been doing lately that was out of character … I just knew I’d fucked up, badly. Then when I nearly hit you …’ he broke off and hung his head, dropping his hand from my face. I grabbed it, lifted it to my lips and kissed it and he looked back up at me, his eyes full of hurt and remorse.

‘You
didn’t
hit me Gabe, you told me to leave and I refused to go, so you got angry to scare me into leaving. You hit your car instead of hitting me.’

‘But I still hurt you, look at your arms.
Fuck Mia
.’

‘Gabe I slapped you, really hard, three times last weekend, but you’re not holding a grudge over those. You held me too tightly but the minute I said our safe word you let me go, even when you seemed out of your mind crazy, you let me go.’ I reached up and held his face and ran my thumbs over his eyebrows and he closed his eyes and sighed. ‘Please don’t make it to be more than it was Gabe. Yes they’re a bit sore, but I’m actually more upset about the things we said to each other.’ I kissed his forehead and he opened his eyes again.

‘I was so out of order Mia. I remember grappling with Doug, as I lay there with him pinning me to the ground I heard him asking you if I’d hurt you … it was like a moment of clarity, like I just suddenly realised that I wasn’t myself … to have scared you like that … I just knew I needed help, I think I went into some kind of shocked daze as I tried to process it. I’ve seen Dr Jarvis four times already and I’m on antidepressants and some other meds and I’m going to get better Mia. Even if you find that you can’t trust me to stay with me, I’m going to do it for you. I don’t ever want to hurt you or see you look at me again the way you did on Sunday, it just killed me.’

‘I don’t want us to argue now Gabe and I understand that this PTSD has made you worse, I really do and I don’t want to keep going over old ground, but I need you to be really clear that just because we’re sitting here together now, it can’t keep happening. You can’t keep trying to control my life like that, you’ll push me away if you keep doing it.’

‘I know that now Mia, but if you’re not going to set me off again you need to prove to me that you’re not being reckless. I need to trust that you’ll look after yourself, you were out alone again yesterday, running in the dark. That’s unacceptable, even without a serial killer on the loose and that’s the case whether I have a condition or not,’ he said firmly. I nodded my head, he was right on that, I did need to take more care of myself and if I hadn’t registered how upsetting it was for him when I didn’t, it was in black and white now.

‘So if we both agree to each other’s terms are we saying that we’re going to give this another go?’ I asked as I looked at him.

‘I want to Mia, but I want you to take some time to really consider if it’s what you want, if I’m good for you.’

‘I don’t need time Gabe, you need me and I need you and as long as we agree to work on our problems without screaming at each other, then I’m in. It works both ways though. Maybe you need to take some time to think it over? I’m a stubborn argumentative bitch sometimes and I wind you up too,’ I stated sincerely as I held his gaze. He laughed and ran his fingers down my cheek.

‘I don’t need time to think either Mia, I want you, all of you. You
are
stubborn and argumentative baby, but never a bitch. You’re my little firecracker.’

‘Your little firecracker,’ I repeated, I liked that. As I looked at him I felt my chest expand. His beautiful lips were slightly parted and I wanted nothing more than to grasp his face and kiss him.

‘Don’t,’ he whispered.

‘What?’ I asked as I reached up and ran my fingers around his bruised eye and down to brush his lips.

‘Don’t look at me like that. I want you so badly. It’s bad enough that I haven’t seen you in days, but you’re sitting on my lap in some seriously skimpy and sexy lingerie.’

‘I’ve
missed
you,’ I sighed as I gazed into his eyes, which had gone a darker shade of blue. I could feel his breathing had gone deeper and faster, and his erection hadn’t subsided at all.

‘I missed you too, but we agreed baby, no sex for now.’

‘I can’t even kiss you still?’ I pouted.

‘I don’t know if I could hold back if you did Mia,’ he sighed and brushed my fringe out of the way. ‘Besides you need to get dressed and ready. Riley will be here at ten to pick you up.’

‘What?’ I sat upright, confused.

‘You and Lexi are going away for the weekend, Riley’s coming to collect you from here then picking Lexi up. You’ll be home Sunday by about five.’

‘What do you mean we’re going away?’

‘I felt so bad for everything that went down Sunday and wanted to make it up to both of you, so I booked you a spa break. It includes treatments and all your food too, so don’t worry about paying for anything. It will do you good to have a rest and be pampered and catch up with your best friend, you’ve had a rough few months and I don’t think I’ve helped at all.’

‘Gabe you didn’t have to do that.’

‘I wanted to Mia, even if we were over, you deserve it. Riley was going to pick you up from yours, but I rang him this morning to say you were here. Lexi’s packing for you, so why don’t you go and have a shower as you look like hell. I’ll get you a coffee and some water and make you some breakfast.’

‘I’m not hungry,’ I replied with a shake of my head.

‘We
will
argue if you don’t eat Mia. I’ve heard that you’ve hardly had anything all week, I wasn’t happy about it even before I saw you last night, I could tell straight away that you’d lost weight. Please move, I’m finding this really hard.’

‘Well while we have the weekend apart, I’d like us to make a list of things that we need to talk about properly to help us work, a list of what winds us up about the other and we have to discuss them calmly and rationally so we can agree how we’re going to handle them and move forwards.’

‘That sounds fair,’ he nodded with a smile. I grabbed his face and kissed him on the lips quickly, making him gasp before he clasped the back of my head and pulled me back to him. I groaned and sagged against him, grasping his hair and tugging it as we kissed ferociously. The friction from the stubble on his face only added to the frenzy of it for me and the heat spread through my entire body as I saw stars.

‘Baby stop, please stop,’ he groaned in return as he eventually pulled away. ‘I can’t do this without fucking you, it’s not fair.’

‘I just miss you,’ I panted as he rested his forehead on mine.

‘You’ve no idea how happy I am to hear that, I don’t deserve you Mia.’

‘Gabe don’t, please don’t do that. We both have faults and you drive me insane sometimes, but I know you always have my best interests at heart. You’re the kindest, most generous and big hearted person I know,’ I whispered as my eyes filled up with tears.