Love & Loss (13 page)

‘Ok, get your hair dried and hop into bed, Gabe will be ready with your tray. Have a rest and come down when you’ve warmed up and you’re feeling a bit better. We’ll order a takeaway for tonight. I’ve changed the spare bedding and asked Doug to come and sleep over as well.’

‘O Mum I love you,’ I said giving her a big hug. ‘That’s so sweet thank you.’

‘I love you too Mia and it’s your Dad’s loss to have done this.’

‘I know,’ I nodded and hung my head as I sighed.

‘That being said you
ever
go through something as serious as an operation or worrying about being ill and don’t tell me again,
I
may just cut you off. Don’t you ever do that to me again you hear me?’ I looked back up at her and bit my lip and nodded as she frowned at me and her eyes began to fill up. ‘You’re my
baby
Mia.’

‘I’ve taken Mr Biggles place?’ I teased and she thumped my arm and smiled as she sniffed. ‘I won’t Mum I promise. I just didn’t want you worrying until I knew what was wrong.’

‘I worry about you all the time Mia, that’s what Mum’s do and to think you may never get the chance to experience …’ She stalled and wiped her eyes on her sleeve.

‘Mum don’t, please don’t. I’ve promised Gabe that I’ll think about trying fertility options further down the line if we’re still together. Nothing’s set in stone, there’s still hope for me, but if it’s not meant to be I’ll be fine, you know I’ve never been baby crazy.’

‘Well it must be love if you’re promising to think about it for him,’ she smiled.

‘Big love,’ I smiled back and she kissed my forehead and squeezed me tightly before leaving me to it. I was drying my hair when he came in, dressed in his sweats with a tray and deposited it on the bed and came and took the hairdryer off me and finished my hair for me, smiling at me in the mirror.

‘Ok, bed.’

‘Only if you come with me, but grab your stuff out of the spare room, you’re officially moving in here and Doug’s moving in there.’

He grinned and undid my dressing gown and I blushed as he took his time inspecting my naked body before tucking me upright in bed and putting the tray on my lap. I ate quickly and he smiled as he stripped down to his boxers and hopped in with me.

‘Ok it’s four and Doug and Lexi are coming back over at seven so you have a few hours to sleep and I’m staying here with you ok?’ he smiled. I nodded and wriggled down and he draped himself over me, smothering my body with his before tilting my head to face him. ‘You really ok baby?’

‘I will be. Right now I’m exhausted,’ I said with a weak smile.

‘Kiss me and then you can sleep,’ he ordered. I touched his cheek as I let my lips meet his and wondered why I often so readily accepted him bossing me about, but reacted so badly when Richard had tried to do it. I pushed it to the back of my mind, processing the remaining feelings I had over Richard’s behaviour today could wait, Gabe’s soft tender kisses and my need for sleep, with the warmth of his body against mine, couldn’t.

Lexi and Doug headed off first, giving Gabe and I a chance to say our goodbyes to Mum and Gerry. Mum handed me two gifts bags, one labelled birthday and the other Christmas and we agreed that they’d come and stay with me in February half term for a few days. She was crying as I pulled out of the drive and headed off towards the motorway, and I could have sworn I could feel Gabe getting more tense the closer we got to home. We made it back to the apartment by 2 p.m. and I pulled into the new apartment parking spot, as Doug’s VW Golf was already in mine. Gabe insisted on carrying my case and I gasped as we walked around the front of the building, the scaffolding was gone and I could see the new windows were in.

‘Ok, first unpack and throw in your washing, then we’ll go next door and see how it’s going,’ Gabe instructed as I unlocked my front door. I did as I was told and loaded up the washer, while Lexi made us a cup of coffee and Gabe ushered me out and across the hall. We both looked around in amazement as we stepped inside, the few walls we were having were up, electrics and plumbing first fix and plastering had been done and my pole was in place, which made me blush as the builders stopped working and smiled at us. The foreman ran through a list of what was needed to move onto the next stage while Gabe made some notes and we headed back to mine.

‘Shit I’d better get a move on, I have my session with Dr Jarvis at four,’ I said as I checked my watch.

‘I’ll drop you off, will you be ok getting a taxi back here? I need to do some stuff at home.’

‘Sure, when are you seeing him next?’

‘9 a.m. tomorrow.’ He pulled me into my bedroom and onto his lap as he sat down on the bed. ‘Listen, we have a lot to do together tomorrow. We need to go and pick out some art work and try and find a mirror for the bathroom, then I need to liaise with the foreman to make sure everything’s installed before Christmas so we can move in before New Year.’

‘We have a whole week to do all of that Gabe, and I can leave my studying until after Christmas, please try and relax, you seem to be getting really stressed today.’

‘I’ll be fine Mia, but we don’t have all week. I’m taking you away for a few days for your birthday, so Riley’s picking us up from here tomorrow night and we won’t be back home until Christmas Eve.’

‘What?’ I looked at him stunned.

‘I’d like you to pack your case tonight, five days and six nights. You’ll need at least one formal and a couple of smart outfits and the rest needs to be warm casual clothing, pack
all
of your new Emu gear please. If you’re stuck Lexi will help, but she’s under strict instructions not to let you know where we’re going.’

‘Gabe, I told you not to spend lots of money on me,’ I sighed.

‘Let me worry about what I can or can’t afford Mia. I’d already arranged this ages ago and it’s even more important for us to have some fun after the last few weeks. So when you get back this afternoon sort your case for our trip and a small one for Christmas at mine. Enjoy movie night and a takeaway with Lexi as I won’t be staying. I’ll come over tomorrow after therapy to pick you up and we’ll be out shopping all day, so no excuses you’re not ready to leave by 10 p.m. tomorrow night.’

‘You’re not sleeping over tonight?’ I frowned.

‘No, it’s your Tuesday night with her and I have a lot to do at home. Don’t look so sad,’ he tugged at my bottom lip. ‘It’s going to be our last night apart if I have anything to do with it Mia. We’ll be away, then at mine for Christmas then we’re moving in ok?’

‘Ok, I’m just going to miss you.’

‘Me too,’ he sighed. ‘Come on shift, or you’ll be late. Clear on what you need to do tonight?’ he asked. I nodded and wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him.

‘Clear.’

‘You’re staying in for movies right? No going out Mia, I mean it.’

‘I promise. Besides I have too much to do by the sounds of it,’ I smiled, intrigued. I kissed him properly, caressing the back of his neck. He really needed to relax and he seemed far from it.

‘Hmmm stop,’ he groaned as he pulled back. ‘You’ll be late.’

I sighed as I stood up, I was sure an hour of having sex with Gabe would probably do me far more good than an hour with Dr Jarvis. As Gabe drove me to my appointment I arranged for a taxi to bring me home. Gabe pulled up outside, the engine idling as he sat looking at me.

‘Are you going to be ok tonight Mia?’

‘I’d rather you were sleeping over Gabe, but if I get upset in this session Lexi will sleep with me. Just try and relax, you look so tense and I’m worried about you.’

‘I can relax from tomorrow night when I have you all to myself and we’re away from all of this, go you don’t want to keep him waiting and let me know you’re safely at home as soon as you arrive please.’

I deliberately chose not to discuss my recent fall out with Richard with Dr Jarvis and instead discussed my concerns for Gabe and how best to help someone affected by trauma. The hour went quickly again and before I knew it I was back opening my front door at five thirty.

‘Lex?’ I called. She came out of the lounge with a huge grin on her face.

‘Ready to start packing?’

‘How long have you known?’

‘Since before you went away to Edinburgh. Got to admit, a tiny bit of me was hoping that you wouldn’t get back with him so I could have gone with you in his place.’

‘Lex,’ I laughed. ‘So you’re really not going to tell me where we’re going?’

‘No, more than my life’s worth, but I made a start on pulling out some clothes for you. You’ll want to be warm in the day.’

‘He’s taking me back to Scotland isn’t he?’ I grinned. Other than that fight on the Saturday night, we’d had such a good time there. Lexi giggled and dragged me into my room where she’d put my small and large case out and my toiletries bag. ‘I’ve just got to text Gabe and let him know I’m ok and then we can pack, chat and have a chilled evening together.’

I’m home with Lexi packing. Very excited, I think you’re taking me back to Edinburgh! Please try and relax tonight, I want you well and happy if we’re going away. I’m going to miss you tonight, in fact I miss you already. M <3 xx

‘Sorted?’ asked Lexi, I nodded with a smile and we started going through my wardrobe. An hour later my going away case was done, I’d put some items into my small case for Christmas and we’d ordered a Chinese to be delivered and sank down in the lounge with a couple of beers. I checked my phone to see a reply from Gabe.

Glad you are home safe and sound. So proud of you baby, for being so strong over this situation with your Dad and for doing the therapy for me. Love you so much and I’m missing you already too G xx

I’m doing the therapy for us Gabe, because I want to. I’ll call you later to say goodnight xx

‘So how are you really doing?’ Lexi asked as I put my phone down. We’d not really had a proper chance to talk since all the drama had started on Sunday back home when I told Mum and Gerry about my diagnosis.

‘Pretty good I think, all things considered. It’s all out in the open about my op and treatment and now I can get on with my life without worrying about Richard.’

‘Richard not Dad?’

‘He doesn’t deserve to be called Dad Lex. Gerry’s my real Dad and I struck lucky getting him instead.’

‘It’s got to hurt though Mia, it still does me when I think about mine.’

‘Really? You always seem so blasé about it.’

‘Not going to do anyone any good going around with a woe is me attitude is it?’ She shrugged. ‘It is what it is. He left and doesn’t want to know me, his loss but it still hits you now and then.’

‘You’re discussing this in your therapy still?’

‘Yes, seems to be helping.’

‘In what way?’

‘The more we talk, the more I convince myself that it wasn’t my fault, Mum being the way she is, or Dad walking out on us. It helps talking it through and coming to that self-realisation, but it doesn’t necessarily ease the loss you know?’

‘Do you miss them?’

‘Mum no,’ she laughed. ‘What’s to miss with her? A mouthful telling me how crap I was at everything and a backhand across the face if I talked back? No, I don’t miss that at all.’

‘O Lex, I hate that you went through that. You still don’t know what set her off on the booze?’

‘No,’ she relied with a shake of her head. ‘I can’t remember her being any other way. The hardest bit is trying not to imagine the Mum I should have had, but I have you and Mrs P to look after me and give me love and that more than makes up for her,’ she smiled.

‘And I’m glad we’ve got you Lex. What about your Dad? Do you still miss him?’

‘Yeah,’ she sighed and looked down at her fingers as they lay knotted in her lap. I got up immediately and went to sit next to her on the sofa and grabbed her hand, linking fingers.

‘Why don’t you try and find him Lex?’

‘Why should I?’ she retorted with a glare. ‘It’s obvious he doesn’t give a shit.’

‘Maybe he does and he just doesn’t know where to start to say sorry. Look at Gabe and I last week, he couldn’t bring himself to contact me.’

‘That was less than a week of no talking Mia, this is seven bloody years.’

‘All the more reason it could be even harder. Would you not want to see him again?’

‘Dunno,’ she shrugged and pulled her hand out of mine and starting biting her thumb nail. I could see her shutting down, she did emotional discussions even less than I did and she’d obviously reached her capacity on the parents issue.

‘You know you can always talk to me right?’ I asked as I reached up and ran my fingers through her hair.

‘Sure I do,’ she smiled, turned her head and kissed my wrist. ‘So enough about me, what kicked it all off for you with your Dad?’

‘He offered me a million to stay out of his life,’ I shrugged as I downed some cool beer and saw her eyebrows rise as she took in a shocked sharp intake of air.

‘You took it right? Tell me you took it Mia?’

‘
No
,’ I scowled. ‘Don’t you dare tell Gabe this next part as I haven’t told him, that means it’s a secret from Doug as well.’

‘What?’ she asked sitting up straighter and twisting around to look at me properly.

‘I told him to stick the monthly allowance too, so I definitely need to contact Cindy to take her up on the offer of work at Peppers to keep us going.’

‘You’re going to keep this quiet from Gabe?’

‘The allowance side yes, I’m still not sure how I’ll convince him to let me dance if he doesn’t know the reason why I need to, but I’ll have to find a way.’

‘Then I’m definitely getting a job too Mia, no way you’re supporting me off money that you’re having to physically earn. We’ll do it together, maybe I could see if Peppers need bar staff and we could try and get the same shifts?’

‘Thanks Lex.’

‘So it’s really over with the two of you?’

‘It is on my part. All these years I’ve been worrying what was wrong with me, why he didn’t love me and as I sat in rain on that bench and you Doug and Gabe came to get me, it just hit me. It was never me, it was always him, he obviously doesn’t have the capacity to love, except love for his wealth and his sons. I mean he seemed to get on so well with Georgie and he’s going to do the same to her too.’

‘No! Seriously?’

‘Yep. So what does that say about him?’

‘Fucking arsehole,’ she grizzled and I laughed. She looked at me surprised. ‘You’re laughing?’

‘That’s pretty much what Gabe said about him. I’m done with him now Lex. I mean you know I was never fond of the guy anyway, so knowing we’re done and dusted I can draw a line under it and move on without him. I’m just finding it hard to accept that a guy can do that to his kids and that’s what scares me, I’m still frightened of getting married and having kids, if I even can, and then Gabe leaving me. I promised him I’d work on those issues so that’s what my therapy’s going to revolve around I guess.’

‘You’re doing the right thing Mia. I mean we haven’t had good role models with our Dad’s, but look at Gerry, he’s not even blood related and he’s always there for you. You just have to follow your gut and your heart with Gabe. Do you really think he’d do that to you?’

‘I’m ninety nine percent certain no,’ I smiled. ‘There’s still that little one percent of doubt left.’

‘Why?’

‘Lex we’ve only been dating three months, how much does anyone really know someone after three months? I just need time that’s all.’

‘You could argue how does anyone know anyone
ever
Mia, if someone wants to lie and hide something they can do it. I mean take this Campus Killer, he’s probably got a girlfriend or wife somewhere and they’ll be totally oblivious to what he’s doing on the side. How many women find out their partner was gay all along, or having affairs? You never truly know anyone, you just have to go with how you feel at the time and if you’re not convinced yet that’s fine. I’m just so happy you’re opening up to the possibility of it, you’d be a wonderful mum.’

‘Thanks Lex, as would you. You haven’t mentioned the miscarriage since it happened are you really ok?’

‘I am thanks,’ she flashed me a smile to convince me. ‘Like you and your Dad, I’ve drawn a line, it’s a closed chapter on an event that could have ruined my life, so I’m happy the way it turned out.’