Love, Lipstick and Lies (20 page)

‘I can’t believe you did that. I’m going now,’ I told him.

He pleaded with me not to go. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

‘Danny, is this for real? Do you seriously think I’m
going to stay with you after I caught you in bed with someone else? You fucking liar!’

He held on to my jacket to stop me leaving. This was a totally different side to him. He was like a lost puppy.

His display of emotion didn’t work, though, because all I could think was, Fuck you for cheating on me.

‘Don’t worry about it,’ I said, really sarcastically. ‘I forgive you but you’re never going to see me again.’ I was quite proud of myself for holding it together.

Then I walked out of the room.

As I was leaving I saw his housemate and said, ‘The look on your face when you opened the door! It’s all right, I’m fine about it. These things happen, I’ll move on. I can’t believe he did that, but there you go.’ I was still being really calm, eerily so.

I thought, Kate, don’t you dare give in to him and stay. But it was like a battle being waged inside me. I knew I should go, but part of me wanted to stay and argue it out, make up and cuddle Danny. And I know this is going to sound weird, but in spite of everything I wanted to fuck him. I left.

He texted me later and told me he had put it on his BBM status that I was his girlfriend. ‘That’s funny,’ I replied, ‘it’s not coming up on my phone.’ But somehow he talked me round to seeing him, and the following day he came to my house and did the big ‘I’m sorry’ number again. He sounded desperate. He was about to go back to Australia, as he was playing for Melbourne, which gave it all added urgency.

He convinced me that he was sorry, that it would never happen again, that we were going to be together, properly this time, that he wanted me to be his official girlfriend, that he would tell his PR to release a statement saying we were together, that he would tweet it … Anything I wanted him to do, he would do it.

He actually texted his manager in front of me and showed me the text, which said:
Just to let you know Kate is my girlfriend and we’re going to be together whatever anyone thinks.
He did such a good job of persuading me that it had been a mistake and that he loved me that I was eventually won over. I guess I wanted to be because I still had such strong feelings for him. I wanted to believe him so basically I let myself down by getting back with him.

He had to go training and asked me if I wanted to go with him. As we drove there he said, ‘So how does it feel now that you’re officially my girlfriend?’

‘It feels good,’ I replied, but somehow I just didn’t believe him. And what happened next showed that my gut instinct was right. He was due to fly back to Australia in the next week and I told him that I would really miss him when he was gone. ‘Come out and see me soon,’ he said. I said that I would, but I had work commitments to sort out first. He certainly seemed keen for me to visit him though.

But within a couple of days he had changed again and I was back to not knowing where I stood with him. I had been so strong when I caught him cheating,
but now all the hurt and insecurity were creeping back. On a night out together he was really nasty to me. I ended up drinking way too much because I was so upset. Did he want to be with me or didn’t he? I just didn’t get why he was behaving like this when he had told me he loved me. Later, Gary and Phil found me at one of their friend’s houses and took me back to their place where I just broke down. Danny had completely fucked with my head. He had played with my emotions, convincing me that he was into me then turning on me again. The strong impression I got was that he needs to feed his own ego in any relationship, whereas I don’t.

I was in such a mess that I had to cancel the launch of my seventh novel,
Santa Baby
, because I was in no fit state to do anything. That had never happened before. They had even flown reindeer in, specially for the shoot and press call. But I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t face seeing anyone, let alone the press. My manager actually phoned Danny, the day before he flew to Australia, and said, ‘What are you doing to this girl? Just be honest with her. If you don’t want to be with her, tell her. She doesn’t deserve this treatment. She’s a decent girl.’ But it made no difference.

I was a broken woman. I went to a country hotel and stayed in one of the private cottages in the grounds, so no one would see me. Danny was all I could think about, all the time. I wanted him so badly and I didn’t understand why. It was probably the shock of his rejection on top of everything else that had happened to me. I was on my
phone non-stop, texting him, or seeing if he had texted me. I didn’t care about anything else; it was all Danny, Danny, Danny. If he texted me, I’d say, ‘See, he does want to be with me!’ Driving myself mad. It’s shocking, reading back over this, to see what a hold he had over me, and I think I can only explain it as being the result of what I had been through and how he had played me.

The rescheduled launch for
Santa Baby
was on 4 November, after I returned from my trip to the country. When I look back at the pictures of the occasion I can tell that there’s something wrong with me. I don’t have my usual sparkle; I look subdued. And it should have been brilliant as I was wearing a fabulous outfit, a kind of sexy Mrs Christmas, a fur-trimmed basque, suspenders and a long red cloak. Plus there were the reindeer and the elves. But I still felt crushed. I knew I should cut all contact with Danny as it was so destructive, but I just couldn’t.

He hardly texted me once he was in Australia, but I didn’t want things to end on a bad note, I never do. So I decided to send him an iPod with the tracks of some of my favourite love songs on it. This wasn’t a gesture meant to win him back, and he isn’t the first guy I’ve done this for, me being such an old romantic … But I thought to myself, This will be the last time he hears from me. Michelle Heaton and her husband helped me set up the iPod.

‘Why are you doing this?’ Michelle asked me, looking concerned. ‘He doesn’t deserve it.’

She was right, of course. Along with the iPod, I sent
Danny a new BlackBerry and a new iPhone. And he didn’t even say thank you! He had the cheek to say that he needed to know a certain PIN to make the phones work as he was in a different country, but he didn’t mention the songs. I thought, You rude fuck! He still said that I should fly out and see him in Oz, and I was planning to go, but there would always be some excuse why he couldn’t make it then after all.

Eventually, I got over him. Time was probably the healer and I went out with my friends and realised that Danny wasn’t right for me at all. I started to feel stronger and decided that it had been a moment of madness and I had other, more important things to worry about. Now I would advise any woman to stay well away from him. He’s got issues. I’m a strong girl but he completely messed me up.

But that wasn’t the last I heard from Danny … He emailed me in January 2013, asking if I wanted to meet up with him, even though he knew I was with Kieran by then. He asked me if the paps were still following me because he wanted to meet up in Manchester without being seen, adding that I had to keep my mouth shut if we got together. What a charmer! I showed Kieran the emails; I had absolutely no interest in seeing Danny again.

Since Leo had left, to be honest I hadn’t given him much thought, though we continued to be in touch, sending each other texts, him more than me. Three weeks after we split he even sent me a picture of his dick. God, the sight of it. I didn’t want it anywhere near me! I thought our relationship was well and truly over. He had mentioned several times that he was planning to come back to the UK, but I’d always say, yes, I could meet him, and then change my mind and say that I was busy. I just wasn’t bothered about seeing him again.

But then, unexpectedly, a week or so before Christmas, he flew over and we met up. To my surprise Leo seemed to be a changed man, a million miles away from the blubbering wreck who had left in September. He was more confident and looked incredible, as if he had been
working out big time at the gym. I mean, he was always fit but now he was super-ripped and buff. He had rented a studio flat in London, near Sloane Square, and while it was a tiny apartment, it was at least in a smart area. His English seemed to be better, and he had enrolled in a language school in London. He’d hired a car too. He seemed back to being the Leo I had first met, full of energy and charm, the Leo who had swept me off my feet. It felt as if he had come back intending to impress me, and it worked. He had also proved in his absence that he didn’t sell stories to the press … well, he didn’t then … and that was another major plus. So many times in the past that was the very first thing my exes did when we split. Leo and I went out for dinner a few times and seemed to get on really well. We spent the night together and it was good.

But I didn’t know what to think or do. Could he and I give it another go? Did I want to? At the beginning of December I had met a guy – he’s not in the public eye, so I’m not going to say who it was – and we had been seeing each other. We got on really well and enjoyed each other’s company but it was a casual thing, not a serious relationship. At that time I didn’t want a serious relationship. My confidence had been knocked by my experience with Danny and I wasn’t ready to commit to anyone. When Leo unexpectedly returned, I was still seeing this other guy.

Before I knew it, it was Christmas and Leo asked if he could come over to my house. He gave the kids
and me huge piles of presents each, all of which had been bought from Harrods and gift-wrapped. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a big pile of presents in my life. He must have spent an absolute fortune as he had bought me all these Dolce & Gabbana designer clothes and shoes. I thought, Where the fuck has he got all that money from? It was such a dramatic turnaround from what had gone on before. He insisted that I open all of them in front of my family and friends, as if he wanted to impress everyone with his generosity. There was one final present, which was in a large gift-wrapped box. But when I ripped off the paper, there was another box inside, then another and another and so on, like one of those Russian dolls. I had a feeling I knew exactly what the final box was going to contain. Shit! I
so
didn’t want this! I glanced over at my mum, who rolled her eyes and I knew she was thinking exactly what I was.

‘You’d better not have bought me a ring,’ I said to him. But as I reached the tell-tale jewellery box, it was obvious that he had. When I finally split up with Leo the second time, he did a number of stories about how I had reacted when I first saw the ring: that I’d had tears in my eyes when I asked him if it was an engagement ring, and how he had said it was even though he didn’t mean it to be. Absolute crap. This was no engagement. At that moment getting engaged to him was the last thing on my mind.

The ring was not my cup of tea at all. He had bought it from Boodles, an expensive jewellery store, but you
know I like my bling and this pretty diamond ring in the shape of a flower was way too small for me. Tiny, in fact. It reminded me of a ring that my nan had bought me when I was little. Leo had had our names engraved on the band.

‘Thank you so much!’ I told him, and deliberately put the ring on my right hand, i.e. not on my engagement finger.

When Leo went out of the room for something I turned to my family and said, ‘Fucking hell! Why’s he bought me that?’ A little later, I told him that I was never going to wear the ring because it wasn’t my style and that he should return it and get his money back. If he really wanted to buy me a ring, he should get one made by my favourite jeweller, Bill Forman. I told Leo I would like a pink love heart, and he should talk to Bill about how much he could spend. But it was not an engagement ring at this point.

While Leo stayed with me over Christmas I told him that I wasn’t going to have sex with him. I didn’t want to make whatever we had between us all about that. ‘You’ve only just come back,’ I told him, ‘I want to take things slowly.’

But Leo seemed so into me, so passionate and loving. He told me that he was following his heart and his dream to be with me; that I was the love of his life. Just the kind of words I want a man to say to me … but I wasn’t sure I felt the same way. It sounds like a proper love story, that he comes back a changed man in order
to win my heart again. It turned out to be nothing like that
…
And there was still this other guy I liked. I couldn’t help thinking that Leo had come back at the wrong moment. I didn’t want to commit to him because of this other guy, so I was happy keeping things casual. But I didn’t want to commit to the other guy either … I guess I thought I would carry on dating both of them and see what happened.

In the weeks that followed I started to see more of Leo and began to feel more for him. I forgot about all the bad times, and only remembered the good. I started fancying him again. He seemed more independent, which I found very attractive. I felt that at heart he was a good guy, and he definitely seemed to have changed for the better. And everyone around me, all my friends and family, really liked him and said I should give him a second chance. And I thought, Okay, I’ll try and make a go of it even though it’s not really on my terms. It was more because everyone else was convinced that he had changed and that I’d be mad not to give him a second chance. I felt under pressure to do it and, looking back, that was never going to work.

So that’s what I did. I was spending a lot of time travelling to see Leo in London at his apartment, and he was spending a lot of time travelling to see me – and a lot of money. I didn’t see the point of that, and so I suggested he should move back in with me. At first it was great, we got on well, he made me feel safe and loved and all those things he had at the beginning of
our relationship. But I think I was trying to convince myself all the time that this would work. And I sort of resented him for coming back when he did, when I was single and actually enjoying myself. I’d always gone from relationship to relationship in the past. The thing with the other guy fizzled out. Once again I was in a relationship, this time almost despite myself.