Love & Light (12 page)

After lunch, Taylor takes Kori down below to show her the boat’s cabin, and Colin shows me around the rest of the boat. I can’t believe it when he tells me it’s almost forty years old. It seems to be in great shape.

“How long have you had it?” I ask.

“Just a few years,” Colin says. “I bought it pretty cheap and restored it myself.”

“Wow. Nice.”

He untethers it from the dock, and soon we’re sailing along the coast. I can feel the wind in my hair, and it’s all so exhilarating it makes me want a boat even more.

“Want to take the wheel for a bit?” Colin asks after a few minutes.

I want to, but I’ve never steered a boat before and I don’t want to mess anything up.

“Come on, go ahead,” Colin says, sensing my hesitation. “I’m not going to let you hurt anything.”

“Sure, okay.” I move beside him in the cockpit and take hold of the wheel. We’re just going straight, so there’s nothing really for me to do, but it’s a cool feeling. Something I could definitely get used to. “What made you decide to get a boat?”

“At the risk of sounding sappy, it’s because of Taylor,” he says. “When we were dating, I took her out on a lobster boat once, and I discovered how much she likes the water. She hasn’t always had the easiest life, so I thought this could be something we can enjoy together.”

“Not sappy at all,” I tell him. Or at least no more sappy than me. “I know what you mean. Kori’s had a rough time of things lately, and I find myself wanting to do things in a big way to try to make her happy, make her enjoy life again.” I hope I haven’t said too much. I don’t want to reveal any confidences.

“Hey, that’s cool, man,” Colin says. “I kind of figured something was going on, the way she started crying last night. Things okay now?”

“Yeah, I think so. Some days are better than others. Anyway, this is great,” I say. “Thanks for inviting us.”

“My pleasure,” Colin says. “We like having guests.”

I nod, keeping my eyes straight ahead on the water.  “How long have you guys been married?”

“Little over four years. How about you and Kori?” he asks. “You guys been together long?”

“Not that long, no.” I don’t even know if it can really be called ‘together.’ “But I already feel like it’s getting pretty serious,” I say. “Does that sound crazy?”

“Not at all.” Colin shakes his head. “Sometimes you just know.”

~Kori~

I’m glad when Taylor takes me down to see the boat’s cabin while the guys stay up top. It gives me a chance to talk to her alone for a few minutes, which is something I’ve been wanting. “Can I ask you something? Kind of personal. You don’t have to answer.”

“Sure, go ahead.” Taylor sits down on one of the cushioned benches and pats the seat next to her. “What’s on your mind?”

I sit down beside her. “You were in counseling with Landon’s stepmother, right? Do you mind telling me what for?” It’s definitely personal, and I don’t know how she’ll take it.

She surprises me by laughing. “What didn’t I see her for is probably a better question. I was stuck in a job that made me jaded and cynical and I had serious problems with relationships and trust and connecting with people in general,” she says. “Oh, and mommy issues. Big time mommy issues.”

“How so?” I ask, even more curious. “Is your mom dead?’

“No.” She shakes her head. “Well, I guess she could be. Who the heck knows? I haven’t heard from her in three years, and even then she was pretty strung out.”

“Oh.” I exhale. I wasn’t expecting that, and now I’m not sure how to respond. “I’m sorry,” I finally say, then bite my lip. Great. Of all things to come out of my mouth. The platitude I get so sick of hearing myself.

Taylor waves her hand. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve dealt with it, and I can talk about it now without getting angry or upset or falling apart,” she says. “Liz helped me a lot. She got me to that point. Well, and of course Colin...” she smiles. “Colin has been absolutely amazing.”

“He seems like a really great guy,” I say. Everything about their interactions with each other radiates love and happiness and light. It’s exactly what I want for myself someday. If only I can get past the dark. “I wouldn’t have guessed you’d been through therapy and everything. You seem so...” What? Well-adjusted? Normal? Good grief, Kori.

“Not crazy?”

“I didn’t say that.” Sheesh. I keep putting my foot in my mouth.

“Don’t worry, I’m not offended,” Taylor says. “I resisted therapy for a long time for exactly that reason. I was afraid of the stigma.” She lets out a sigh. “And of course, I’m terrible at asking for help.”

“Yeah, me too,” I say. I’m starting to relax now. She seems to get it, seems to understand. “I’ve been going through some stuff. I lost my mom last year, and I’m still struggling... my regular doctor has suggested therapy.”

“And you don’t want to do it.”

I shake my head. “No. Like you said, there’s kind of a stigma. Or if there’s not, I
feel
like there is. And I want to be strong. I feel like I should be strong.” After all, Landon got through this same kind of thing without therapy. Why can’t I?

“You know, it’s not always a sign of weakness to admit you need help,” Taylor says softly, and I want to believe her.

“Thanks,” I say. “For listening and all that. Anyway, I’m doing okay. Much better than I was a few months ago. I’ll be fine.” I wonder if I’m saying that for her benefit or my own.

“I hope so, but if you change your mind, I’m sure Liz could help you, or refer you to someone who could.”

I nod, but don’t say anything. I don’t doubt I could find someone to help. That’s not the point. The point is I don’t want to need help. Fortunately, I’m spared from having to answer when Colin’s voice interrupts us.

“Hey, is this conversation top secret?” he asks, stepping down into the cabin. He’s tall,and has to bend over a little bit to keep from hitting his head.

“Not at all,” Taylor says. “I think we’re done. Kori?” she asks, looking in my direction.

“Yeah, we are,” I say, a little relieved. “Where’s Landon?”

“Up steering the boat,” Colin says. “Go check it out. I think he’s having a blast.”

“I bet.” I climb up the ladder to the deck, and sure enough, Landon’s at the steering wheel with a big grin on his face.

I stand there and watch for a minute, thinking how cute he looks at the helm of a sailboat, sunglasses on and the wind blowing through his hair. He said he wanted a boat someday, and seeing him now, I understand why. He looks so comfortable, and totally happy. Like he doesn’t have a care in the world.

“Hey, you,” I say, walking up beside him. “Having fun?”

“Oh, yeah.” He turns to look at me and his smile widens. “I could definitely get used to this.”

“It looks like you already have.”

“Mmm hmm.” He reaches out and puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to him, and I put my arm around his waist. “You know what I said when we were on top of the mountain, about being king of the world?’

“Uh huh,” I say chuckling at the corny movie reference again. “What about it?”

“I changed my mind. This is the best feeling I’ve had,” he says as he leans over and kisses me.

I understand what he means, because I could definitely get used to this too.

~Kori~

I
’ve made up my mind before I even go into Dr. Morris’s office. It’s time. I’m ready. I’m ready to be ‘normal,’ whatever that is, so as soon as he asks me how I’m doing, I blurt out my answer. “I’m great. I feel great. I’m ready to go off my medication.”

His kind brown eyes narrow and his lips tighten into a frown. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” he says. “In fact, I’m quite certain it’s
no
t a good idea.”

“But why?” I want to know. “Really, I’m much better. I’m getting outside, like you said. I have friends. I’m socializing. I’m embracing life. Did you know I hiked to the top of Mount Monadnock a couple weeks ago?”

“Really?” He doesn’t smile, but at least he’s not frowning anymore, either. “What was that like?”

“Exhilarating.” I use the first word that pops in my head. “I went with Landon, the guy I told you about last time. It was our first date, and he promised me something special, and that’s where he took me.” I smile as I remember our picnic on the mountain top and the kisses we shared. “It’s so pretty there. I had no idea you could see so far.”

Dr. Morris nods. “Yes, I did that once, when I was much younger.” He lets out a little chuckle. “So, this Landon... is he your boyfriend now?”

It’s a pointed question, and maybe a little personal, but then again, Dr. Morris is kind of a surrogate grandfather at times. “I guess you could say that.” I mean, we never really talked about it. It just kind of happened. But I’m pretty sure Landon thinks of us a couple, and I feel the same way. “We spend most of our time together. We eat together, we practice boxing. We’ve gone for a bike ride. We even went sailing with another couple.”

For the first time, Dr. Morris smiles. “It certainly sounds like you’re enjoying your time with him.”

“Yes, a lot. Landon’s great,” I say. “He understands me the way no one else has, and when I’m with him, I feel so good. We have a lot of fun, and a few months ago, I wasn’t even sure fun was possible anymore.” I’m come so far, and that’s why I’m comfortable with my decision. “So, anyway, I don’t want to take the medication anymore. I don’t need it.”

He shakes his head. “I hear that a lot, Korinne. Patients start to feel better and they think they’re cured. But I generally recommend that patients stay on their medication for at least six months after they start to feel better. Depression is very serious, and it can rear its ugly head at any time. Given everything you’ve been through, and the anniversary coming up...”

He means the anniversary of my mother’s death, which is in about six weeks. It’s not like I haven’t thought  about it. I think about it all the time. “I understand what you’re saying, and I appreciate the concern. I can handle it, though. I’m better.”

Dr. Morris sighs. “I sincerely hope so, but I don’t think you should be so hasty in making that decision. You still have refills left on your prescription, and you should fill it. And if you do decide to discontinue the medication, Kori, it’s important that you wean off of it slowly. Otherwise you might experience some adverse effects like rebound anxiety or depression.”

His tone is firm, and I know he means well, but I’ve made up my mind. “I probably will, just in case,” I say to appease him, even though I have no intention of refilling the medication. “Really, though, I’m much better.”

He gives me the usual parting comment about calling him if I need anything, then I’m on my way. This time, Landon knows I won’t be at practice, and instead of driving back to Plymouth I head home to check on my brother and have dinner with him and my dad.

Since I haven’t seen them in a few weeks, my dad tries his best to make a special dinner, which means spaghetti. The sauce is from a jar, not the homemade stuff like my mom used to make, but I appreciate his efforts. “This is great, Dad,” I say, meaning it.

“I feel like we’ve hardly seen you lately,” he says, which makes me feel guilty. Since I’ve been spending weekends with Landon, I haven’t been coming home.

“I’m sorry about that. I’ve been busy.”

My dad nods. “You’ve been seeing a lot of this guy.”

“Quite a bit, yeah.” I’ve told him about Landon and some of the things we’ve done together, and I think he’s happy that I’m making friends and getting out and doing things, even if it means I don’t come by the house as much.

“So when do we get to meet him?”

I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know.” It’s something I haven’t really thought much about. Sure, I’ve already met Landon’s parents, but that was kind of random and before we were dating. Bringing a guy home to meet my dad now is something different.

“You should bring him for dinner sometime. I’d like to meet him.”

“Sure, okay.” I can tell my dad’s not going to let the subject drop. “I’ll talk to him.”

“My school play is next week,” Noah says. “Why don’t you bring him to that? We’re doing
The Crucible
.”

“That one again, huh? Mrs. Ames sure loves it.” We performed it back when I was in ninth grade drama too.

“That’s a great idea,” my dad agrees. “Alison and Paul are even flying in from Denver.”

“Oh, wow. That’s nice of them.” It seems like a long trip to make to see a freshman class play, but it’s exactly the kind of thing my aunt feels like she has to do since my mom has been gone.

“So what do you say? Do we get to meet the boy who’s managed to put a smile on my daughter’s face again?”

“I’ll ask him,” I promise, even though I wonder if we’re ready for the ‘meet the whole family’ kind of thing.

~Landon~

It’s weird not eating dinner with Kori, but it gives me a chance to hang out with Jaden and Lucas a little bit. The thing about spending so much time with Kori is that it seems like I only see Jaden at baseball practice and games, and Lucas first thing in the morning and at night.

“So when’s the wedding?” Jaden teases, and I grimace a little bit.

“Stop it, man.” It’s way too soon to think about that. Sure, things are getting pretty serious, but no way am I ready to make a lifetime commitment. Besides, my parents might kill me if I don’t finish my education first. “You’re just jealous you can’t get a date.” It’s totally not true, especially since Amanda seems to have set her sights on Jaden now that she realizes it’s not happening with me. It’s the only comeback that I can think of, though.

I’m a little distracted, because Kori went home to see her doctor in Ashland, and I’m curious how that went. Even though she likes to insist she’s fine, and she definitely seems a lot happier now than when I first met her, there are still times when she withdraws and I don’t know how to help her.

“Hey, it’s all cool,” Lucas says. “You found a girl who likes baseball, which is awesome. And you’re gone so much, I practically have the room to myself, which works out great for me.”

I don’t have a witty reply to that one because my phone buzzes, signaling a new text. It’s from Kori. She’s about to head back to campus and wants to meet me at the rec center for a little sparring. I type in a quick reply.