Love Is... (3.5) (2 page)

Rafe

“So little sis, you’re getting married! That’s huge.”

Rosie announced this morning that she’s engaged to Michael. I tried to avoid congratulating her by going upstairs to call Mark but there was only so long that I could spend up there pretending that he had answered.

“Yeah. It’s exciting. I get to have a pretty dress and plan my dream wedding.” She sounds nowhere near as enthusiastic as I expected.

“And marry the love of your life?”

“Oh yeah, of course!” Rosie blushes as she realises that should have been her first thought and I try not to show my frustrations.

I hate Michael, and it’s hard to pretend that I’m happy for my sister when I’m not, but she’s stubborn. The more I try to pull her away from him, the more she pulls towards him, like I can talk. I just need to hope that it runs its course before they make it to the altar.

“So, how’s Mark? How’s his wife?” Rosie asks sarcastically to get me back for my tone. I scowl at her.

It’s been four months now since Mark told me that he was leaving Laura for me, but he still hasn’t. Apparently she’s going through a pretty hard time right now with her health and he just doesn’t want to make her any worse. As soon as she is better, we can be together.

It’s getting old, and quick. Rosie refuses to speak to him and my friends won’t even talk to me. They’re all sick of trying to talk sense into me.

The worst part of it all is that I know I’m being a mug. It’s so not like me to be used like this, I usually do the using, but Mark has some sort of hold on me. Rosie is convinced it’s because I’m growing up and want to settle down but I’m not sure. I think maybe I just want to be right about him.

“Fine Rosie, he’s fine. It won’t be much longer and then all of this will be over. I know what I’m doing!”

“Rafe, what you’re doing is a married man! Cut him off, he is lying to her, and to you. Do you really think you’ll be able to trust him if he does leave her? What’s to say he’s not going to cheat on you, Rafe?”

Rosie reaches across the breakfast bar and holds my hands. We can hear Mam and Dad laughing in the living room and the sound of Michael snoring from the conservatory.

“I just have to do this Ro. I can’t explain it but I have to believe he’ll pick me.”

We spend the day eating, drinking and being thoroughly merry. Alvez Christmases are a big deal and I’m so glad to have my family around me. Michael calls his family to tell them the news and I laugh as I hear him awkwardly ask his brother if he’ll be his best man. They don’t really get on from what Rosie has said and I can’t help but find some satisfaction in the fact that Michael has so few friends that he has to ask his twin, who he doesn’t even like, to be best man at his wedding.

Twins…the thought makes me shudder. Michael is a pasty, boring slime ball and the realisation that there are two of him gives me nightmares. Rosie said that his brother is nothing like him and apparently he’s gay, so I imagine he probably dresses better than the creep that she’s marrying. She keeps saying that she’d love to set us up but no way, if his brother is anything to go by then I want nothing to do with Matthew English!

“Rafael, are you coming to the pub?”

Mam calls into the kitchen as they prepare to leave. Mark was supposed to call me over an hour ago but I’m still waiting. I presume Laura is ill or something so I try not to let it bother me too much, but it does.

“I’ll follow you up Mammy; I’m just waiting for a phone call.”

“Oi, don’t let him keep you hanging on all night. If you’re not at the bar in an hour, I’m coming to drag you there!” Rosie has popped her head around the kitchen door as she buttons up her coat. Michael is already in bed and she’s following the family tradition of heading to the pub on Christmas night with our parents.

I always dreamt that one day we’d both do this with our partners by our sides but now I’m not sure either of us will ever have that.

“I won’t sis. See you shortly.”

I sit in the quiet of the deserted kitchen for another thirty minutes before I decide that I’ve had enough waiting around.

‘I’m going to the pub, not taking my phone. I can’t wait around for you any longer, it’s now or never. Call me within the next five minutes if you choose me. Don’t call me again if that’s never gonna happen!’ 

As I head into the hallway to retrieve my coat from the under stairs cupboard my phone starts to rings and my heart skips a beat. He called straight back, he chose me.

“Baby, you called…God, I’m so happy you called!” There’s silence on the line and I begin to panic as I realise that it’s not Mark on the other end of the phone.  “This is Laura, isn’t it?”

“Who is this? And please explain why you are calling my husband baby?”

I hear Mark in the background pleading for her to let him explain. He tells her that he loves her and he’s sorry and she starts to sob.

“WHO ARE YOU?” She yells through her tears, “Please, just tell me why you would do this to me!”

I’m powerless. I can’t pretend to be the innocent party, I was once, but I’ve known about her for months. And I know she isn’t well, what will this do to her?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you...” It’s all I can say. I am stunned into silence and feel sick that I could cause someone the level of pain that I can hear in her heartbroken cries.

“How long have you been fucking my husband?” I can’t answer. I’m too ashamed, “HOW LONG?” Laura screams at me to answer and I feel emotion rise in my throat. I suddenly imagine Michael doing this to Rosie. I’d rip his throat out.

“Six months. I’m so sorry.”

“Oh my god!”

Laura whispers as she sobs and I over hear quiet begging from Mark. I feel sick.  He would never have left. I really truly believed him but it was never a possibility.

“Six months Mark,” her voice is low and cracked with emotion. “Six months! You were fucking a bloke while we were trying for a baby? Did he tell you about that? What’s your name by the way?” She sounds like she means business now and again I don’t know what to say. “Oh come on.” She laughs but I know she isn’t finding any of this funny, “We’ve been shagging the same bloke for half a year, you could at least introduce yourself!”

“My name’s Rafe. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

“But you knew he was married?”

“Not the whole time, no. I found out but I thought it was over between you.”

“Oh that’s hilarious. We’ve been married less than a year and you think he’d leave me for you? You were a bit of fun for him Rafe. I’m sorry to tell you that but I’m looking at him right now, I can see it in his eyes. The shame!”

There’s silence. And then she speaks again, her voice becoming stronger with each word.

“So, darling, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for how long? Seven months was it? And you’ve been fucking Rafe here for six. Did he come inside you Rafe? Did he come in your mouth?” I’m shocked and she just starts to laugh again, “Of course he did. I know my husband and I know what he likes. I blame you for every one of my failed pregnancy tests Rafe, I blame you for that. Every time you sucked him dry you wasted another of my chances to get pregnant!”

I can hear her becoming upset again. I could hang up, I should, but I deserve this. I deserve to hear what a scumbag I am.

“The funny thing is Rafe, if I’d have found out about this a week ago, I’d have thanked you. If you hadn’t been so determined to make him choose, I might never have known what a cheating liar he is. But now, and this is where it gets really good, now I have to live with being the mother of his child, I’m connected to him forever. Merry Christmas Mark, after seven long hard months of trying, we’re having a baby!”

I’ve heard enough. I end the call and throw my phone against the wall smashing it into tiny pieces.

‘We don’t sleep together anymore Rafe; I’m just making sure she’s going to be ok before I leave.’
I believed every word.

‘It’s you I want Rafe, only you. Wait for me.’

I’m an idiot.

“What are we singing Mam?”

I smile as I walk into the pub but I know that Rosie can see straight through it. She doesn’t ask me, she knows what’s just happened and simply takes hold of my hand. I love my sister so much.

“Are you sure you’re ok then bro?”

It’s been a week since Christmas, and since my conversation with Mark’s wife. As the taxi from the train station stops outside Rosie’s flat, Michael gets out to pay. Rosie hesitates before getting out.

“I will be Ro. I’m sorry, you were right. I could have prevented all this. I just feel like such a bastard.”

“Hey, you’re hurting too Rafe. I know you feel bad for her, but you love him too. Don’t be too hard on yourself, ok?”

“I’m fine baby sis. I love you.”

“Love you too big bro, call me later.”

My flat feels cold and empty as I let myself inside. I drop my bag by the door and look around, unsure what to do with myself.

I turn on the radio and slump onto my sofa, dropping my head into my hand.  The song playing sums it all up. The Christmas number one, 'When We Collide' by Matt Cardle. I laugh as the first few words resonate.

You say “I love you boy”

But I know you lie

I trust you all the same

And I don’t know why

‘Cause when my back is turned

My bruises shine

Our broken fairytale

So hard to hide

I pick up the remote and press the button to change stations and immediately start to laugh harder, Forget You by Ceelo Green is playing. I increase the volume and stand up. I make my way over to the mirror above the fireplace and take in my reflection as I listen to the words.

“You really fucked up this time Rafael!” I say aloud, “Time to change your ways boy!”

I smile before sadness returns to my eyes with the end of the song bringing me back to reality with a massive bump. Two more songs play that make me want to call the radio station and see if they’ve been filming my life, All Time Low by The Wanted and the The Reason by Hoobastank. As I listen to that last song, I can’t help but think of Laura. I wish there was some way that I could say sorry to her, but I need to leave it, leave them to figure out whatever is going to happen now. Mark is out of my life, for good.

Rafe

February

“We’re going out tonight baby, you and me just like old times!”

“Pip, I love you for it but I don’t need cheering up. I’m fine honestly. I’m just really busy.”

Pippa has been on ‘Rafe watch,’ while Rosie plans the finishing touches for her engagement party next weekend.

“Rafael, I’m not trying to babysit you but I need a wing man! I haven’t had sex in two weeks Rafe and you haven’t in two months so come on, we’re going out! Its Valentine’s weekend, all those depressed lonely single men needing a cuddle…”

Pip pouts sarcastically and although I’m really in no mood for it, I reluctantly agree to go out with Pip and make the arrangements. It should be fun, it usually is. And she’s right; maybe a one nighter is just what I need.

The music is loud, and cheesy. Pip loves gay clubs a lot more than I do and insisted that we end up in G-A-Y, I enjoy it in here but it’s not my kind of music really.  I can’t help but laugh though as Katy Perry’s I kissed a girl comes on, the women in the bar cheer while the men boo playfully before heading for the dance floor. I make my way to the bar while Pip grinds up against my friend Enrique.

“Hey Rafe!”

Oh crap, what’s his name? I smile and take a sip of the pint that the barman just placed down on the bar and hand over a tenner. I try to think fast while he strokes my arm. I remember his face, I remember him sucking me off in his car, but fuck me, what is his name?

“Oh hey, how are you?” I try to be casual and just hope that the name thing doesn’t come up.

Yeah Yeah by Bodyrox starts to play, I do actually like this one and pray for Pippa to come and rescue me.

“I’m good. I’ve been hoping I’d see you again. I had a lot of fun that night. I thought we could try it again some time.”

I cringe slightly. He’s a good looking guy but a bit more on the camp side of gay than I normally go for, who am I kidding, he’s more on the gay side of gay than I normally go for!

My name is Rafael Alvez and I have a thing for straight guys! I always have. I’m not camp, I don’t think anyway. I like sport, love martial arts and my small group of closest friends are your typical straight ‘lads.’ They’ve always known I was gay and aren’t threatened by it in any way, they’re just glad I’m not stealing their women away!

I like men to be men. My last three boyfriends before Mark were a challenge for me. Don’t get me wrong; when I call them boyfriends I don’t mean that it was anything serious. A few dates and an introduction to fucking blokes more like.

But they were all openly straight, intrigued by me with no intention of it going anywhere. All of them I had met through sport, one through my gym, well I guess two if you count Mark, and two through my rugby club.

I was an anomaly to them. To the untrained eye, I’m the typical modern man. I dress well, smell good, work out and drink like a fish. When I tell a straight guy that I’m gay, I get one of three reactions and which one I receive determines where our relationship will go.

Number one is defensiveness. ‘Oh right, well erm, I’m straight mate!’ Number ones and I don’t normally get along too well.

Number two is indifference. ‘Ok…another pint?’ Number twos are the guys that I stay friends with.

Number three is intrigue … ‘Really, oh ok. I had no idea that blokes like you could be gay.  I mean, you and me are the same really…’ The number threes are my favourite.

These are usually the guys who have never thought about being with a man but when the opportunity presents itself they don’t write it off either.

They like that I’m outwardly identifiable as being gay. I’m sporty and act just like them because people just assume that we’re two ‘normal guys’ going out for a drink, this helps them accept that they’re on a date with a bloke!

They’re usually nervous when things start moving but they soon get into the swing of things and I give them the time of their lives, well I used to.  Since Mark I just can’t trust my judgement anymore. He lied to me on so many levels.

I smile and take another sip of my pint,

“That’s really sweet but I’m actually in a pretty serious relationship now so I’m not after anything else to be honest.”

“Oh…” ‘What’s his name’ looks disappointed, “Well, you know where I am if things change!”

I can’t help but think ‘actually I don’t’ as he turns and walks away. I look at Pippa who has made her way over to me to get her drink, she is pouting disappointedly.

“What?” I feign innocence.

“Rafe, you need to get back on the horse babe. Mark was a shit but you can’t live a life of celibacy because of him!”

“Pip, I can go without sex. Mr Knuckles and I are doing just fine!”

I make a gesture to drive home the point that I’m trying to make and Pip laughs before kissing me on the lips and wrapping her arms around my neck.

“Rafael, I love you, you know that. But you’re an idiot if you think you can go without sex for much longer. You forget that I know you, intimately…” She raises her eyebrows in a way that says ‘I still can’t believe we did that’ “…And you have the highest sex drive and the most stamina of anyone that I’ve ever known, and that includes me!”

I can’t help but laugh and slightly cringe as I remember a drunken night with this girl that I’ve known since she was four.

“Pip, I’m just not ready yet. But I’m honestly fine babe.”

“Ok. I will back off, but please don’t shut yourself off, Rafe. You’ve got too much to offer!”

“I promise, come on let’s dance!”

I pull Pippa towards the dance floor to the beat of We Speak No Americano, anything to shut her up.

“Rafael, this is your sister’s big night. Please smile!”  My Mam looks beyond fed up with seeing me brooding as she sips at her glass of Baileys.

“Mam, I’m sorry but I seriously think Rosie is making a huge mistake, it’s hard for me to be happy about this engagement when I hate her fiancé!”

I am sulking in a corner of the function room that Rosie has hired to celebrate her agreeing to marry the biggest prick that I’ve ever met. I wasn’t lying about hating Michael, but the truth is, I’ve been sulking around since Christmas. The phone call from Mark’s wife shocked me to the core and I feel like such a dick. I tore that woman’s life apart, knowingly!

I haven’t heard a single word from either of them since then. Two months and I’ve no idea if she’s forgiven him for what he did to her, to their unborn child.

I’m really consciously trying to make some changes. There’ll be no more jumping into bed with every pretty face that shows an interest. I haven’t been with anyone since Mark and I’m not going to see anyone for a while. If and when I do meet someone, I’m going to date, get to know him before it goes anywhere. I need to settle down.

“Rafe, none of us are ecstatic about this, but Rosie is Rosie and you know she’ll do what she wants. Come and dance with me…” My Mam smiles as she holds out her hands to me and I can’t resist as she wiggles her hips to 'You Make Me Feel Like Dancing' by Leo Sayer. I love my family.

“Mammy, I need a drink. Dance with Pip!”  I laugh as I leave my crazy mother with my crazy friend dancing to Firework and head towards the bar.

I order a beer and turn around to face the revellers while I wait for it to be poured.

Oh. My. God! Who is that?

My stomach flips over as I look at the tall blonde talking to my sister at the front of the room. No Rafe, reign it in! I force myself back around to pay for my drink and start to head back towards Mam and Pip.

“Rafe, wait up!”  I turn to face Rosie and nearly choke on the sip of beer I’ve just taken…the Greek god is with her! “Sorry, I just wanted you to meet Matthew, Michael’s brother.” She grins from ear to ear and I know that she’s thinking ‘I told you so.’

Adonis extends a hand to me. I drink in the sight of him and try to process the fact that he shared a womb with the weasel that my sister is marrying.

“Matthew hi…” I take his hand and smile, I think I might have a heart attack if my heart rate doesn’t slow down, “…Erm, I’m Rafe. You really aren’t anything like your twin are you?”

Matthew laughs and I realise that Rosie has backed away and is starting to dance with Pippa.

“No, I got more room in there than him!”

I smile and take another sip as I really appreciate the view.

I take care of myself, and I like to think that I’m fairly well put together but when I call Matthew an Adonis, I’m not joking. He is blonde, a bright golden colour in contrast to the mousey brownish shade sported by his twin. His hair is perfectly styled over to one side, very ‘Beckham-esque.’

He is as tall as me, which is probably why neither of us noticed Rosie slipping away two feet below us. His eyes are the iciest blue that I’ve ever seen and they seem to smile before he even begins to curve his mouth.

The slim fit shirt that he’s wearing tucked into a pair of perfectly fitting jeans shows off his toned physique delightfully and he smells amazing. It’s a dizzying mix of Jean Paul Gaultier aftershave and raw masculinity…there goes my heart again.

I can’t be certain that I’m not panting but as my eyes reach his, I realise that I need to stop staring and speak. 'Whatta Man' by Salt ‘N’ Pepa starts to play and I look towards the DJ box in disbelief, just in time to see Rosie and Pippa laughing and giving me a thumbs up as they make their way back to the dance floor after putting in their cringe worthy request.

I grin and shake my head. I try to gather my thoughts as Matthew returns his gaze from the dance floor to me, laughing as he noticed the move that my sister just pulled.

“Erm, Rosie tells me that you’re a personal trainer?” Wow, well done Rafe!

“Yeah, I’ve got my own business.  I seem to be behind a desk a lot more than I’d like these days, but I still manage to get some training in. I’ve just taken up Muay Thai actually, Rosie said you teach?”

“I do. You should stop by the gym some time and I’ll give you a workout.” I attempt my best ‘find the hidden meaning in that’ grin, and he takes a sip of his drink on a laugh. I can’t help but flirt with him, as much as I want to steer clear of men right now, I can’t resist him.

“I will. I’d really like to see what you can do!” Oh fuck! The look in his eyes and the bedroom smile that he’s now sporting says it all, he really is gay and he’s flirting back. He looks directly into my eyes and I know… I’m in trouble!