Love Forever After (Candle Light Series) (12 page)

Kristy moved away from her and moved to Amanda who was distracted tracing out the baby on the monitor.  Sandra moved closer to me and tagged at my jacket for me to lean over.

“Please tell me you can see her because I can.” She whispered with a nervous laugh.

I held her to me and nodded glad I was sharing this with her. Having someone else see her didn’t only make me feel sane but I wasn’t lonely any more and that was even better.

Kristy placed her hand on Amanda’s belly then began laughing and crying when the baby kicked against her hand. Amanda shivered then tried to sit upright covering her belly.

“No wait,” Kristy whimpered.

“Please don’t move just lay there for a few more minutes,” I said moving to uncover her belly before I stepped back. Kristy put back her hand on her belly then leaned down to place her cheek on her belly as her hand caressed the bump gently.

“It’s just that I feel really cold,” Amanda said shyly, “but its fine.”

“Thanks,” I said pushing Sandra forward. It was better if Sandra stood closer to her or placed her hand on her belly to give her more of an initiative to stay the way she was. Standing and just staring at her belly did seem a little ridiculous to her and the doctor who was quietly watching.

“Doctor I have a favour to ask of you,” I said drawing his attention to me.

He moved to stand closer to me, “What’s that?”

“If the baby is born two months early, will she be okay?”

“She will be a premature baby but yes she might be fine but I can’t say for sure. It’s always better to have a full term baby,” he answered with a confused look on his face, “Why do you want her to be born so soon?”

“Let’s just say I want to make a potential painful day a happy one.” I turned to look at Kristy. She was still hovering over the baby bump. “Actually I’m hoping for a reincarnation,” Sandra looked at me confused. I smiled and turned to see the doctor give me a crazy look.

People are still going to think I’m crazy, even more after this, “Well, something along those lines.”

*

I stood in front of the big house, the place God was said to always be, and wondered if it was clever to challenge Him. I knew He knew I blamed Him for everything; for taking away a wonderful honourable woman in a world where her kind of species was becoming extinct. I blamed Him for letting evil triumph over good. I wanted to call Him a hypocrite for declaring love for His creation and yet He was letting the devil use the world as his playing ground.

I wanted to find out if He was really there, or was everything Kristy and I believed in a fuss.

I rushed up the steps and pushed the huge doors open with all the rage I had inside me. But the second I stepped in, I felt empty. I didn’t have any emotions inside me, they were all swept away with a calm breeze and I had no idea what to do next.

I sat down at the front pew and stared at the crucifix in front of me. I looked around, the church had dozens of candles lit everywhere a soft song like a whisper filled the air. It was quiet, peaceful and as I sat there alone, strangely, I didn’t feel alone.

I was going to stay here forever, maybe become a priest because I didn’t want to lose the peace I felt at that moment, to be alone but feel the presence of someone ready to catch me, to comfort me and yet....

“Why did you let her die? She didn’t do anything wrong. In fact she was standing up for you, and yet you still let her die in fear, in pain, in horror..... why?”

I sat there waiting for God to answer me but all I could hear was the soft music.

“Are you ever going to answer me or am I wasting my time waiting for one?”

“Waiting on God is never a waste of time.”

At first I thought the big guy Himself had answered me until a priest sat beside me. “What answer are you waiting for?”

“Why he let my wife die.”

“
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away
.”

I snorted at the quote, “That’s the answer you are seriously going to give me?”

He smiled, “Everyone on this earth has a purpose, and there is always a reason for everything that happens.”

“Okay, tell me this, if my wife had lived out her purpose why did she have to die in such a horrific way?”

His smile faded. “Tell me more about your wife.”

“She was a humanitarian. She was always there to speak on behalf of the trees, animals, oceans and seas, everything that God created on this earth that didn’t have a voice. Then one day, someone decided that she had spoken enough,” my voice broke, tears dripping out of my eyes, “They silenced her by cutting the brakes of our car. We rolled right into traffic, we didn’t stand a chance.”

“And yet you are here.”

He was beginning to sound like a diplomat trying to find the silver lining. My surviving was no silver lining, it was hell on earth.

“Sheer bad luck.”

“I’m sorry about your wife but you need to understand, God wouldn’t put you in a situation He knows you can’t handle.”

“Well He did with me.”

“He’d never leave you alone.”

“Strike Two!” I stared at him, worried about being open with him. But he was a priest and probably the only one who could explain things to me. “I’ve being seeing her, my wife. She got my sister-in-law to get me a surrogate. We are expecting our first child in April.”

He smiled, “And you still think He left you alone?”

I laughed. The priest was right, I wasn’t alone. “It hurts... losing her hurts so much,” I cried.

He placed his hand on my shoulder soothingly as I sobbed. “Your child will give you the peace you require. God knows what He’s doing. Let Him do His thing.”

At that moment, my phone rang. I didn’t want to pick it up, but once I saw it was Sandra calling I knew I had to, “Hi Sandra.”

“William!” She sounded alarmed, “Something happened to Amanda. She fell down a flight of steps, she’s in the hospital.”

I turned to the priest, the familiar rage boiling inside me. It was happening again and this man almost had me! I hang up the phone and without a word to the priest I rushed out.

“William,” he called after me, “He hasn’t forsaken you.”

*

I rushed to the hospital, my heart in my mouth. I couldn’t believe this was happening again. It had barely been nine weeks since the last ultra sound when my wonderful suggestion was shot down by the doctor and now, she was coming too soon. All the risks we’d been afraid of were now staring us in the face.

“God, if you really are there, please don’t take her away from me. Don’t do this to me again!” I begged waiting for the cab to pull up in front of the emergency room entrance.

The sun set behind me, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was some kind of sign. Was the sun in my life finally setting? Was I destined to live in this darkness forever? Was suffering loss my purpose?

I jumped out of the cab and ran into the hospital, and then rode the elevator two floors up to the maternity ward. When the doors opened, Sandra was standing there, her face full of fear and anxiety in her teary eyes.

“Is she okay?” I could hear my own anxiety at the edge of my voice.

“I don’t know yet. She’s in labor right now. I’m sorry I pushed you into this, I shouldn’t have and now...”

I grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at me, “Sandra, my baby isn’t dead.”  Not yet anyway.

We half ran to the surrogate’s room, both of us praying for the best. I stopped at the door, too scared to go in.

Sandra held the door ajar,
“Will, what’s wrong?”

I swallowed the bile in my throat. All the courage drained out of me the instant I was faced with the possibility.... I just couldn’t. “I can’t... I can’t go in there.”

I took several steps back unable to say another word. If something went wrong, I’d prefer not to be in there for it.

Sandra nodded in understanding and then she stepped into my fate, my future.

It felt like everything around me didn’t exist anymore. The halls became empty and I was the only one standing in the once busy ward. The air became still and silent, all the sounds faded away and all I could here was the soft peaceful music I heard in the church as it played in my head.

Then suddenly, I felt something warm clasp my hand. I looked down, it was a smaller hand. A touch I’d missed and longed for. I looked up to meet the beautiful face of the love of my life, her happy wet eyes, and her bright reassuring smile. The sight of her and the flash of happiness that seemed to ooze from her like rainbows soothed me. Suddenly, I wasn’t scared anymore.

We stood in that same spot holding each other for hours before the beautiful sound of a baby’s cry pulled Kristy away from me. She went into the room and I followed her trusting she was going to make sure everything turned out okay.

Kristy stopped beside Sandra laughing and crying at the same time. She held onto the baby’s tiny leg, wetting it with her tears. “Will, come closer.”

I stared at my wife, and then at the little angel Sandra had in her arms, unable to fathom the whirlwind of emotions inside me.

“Will, she’s so beautiful,” Sandra said rocking the new quiet baby. She looked down at her, probably wondering why the baby’s gaze was set steady. She turned and saw the baby’s wet feet. She didn’t know what to make of it until Kristy brushed her cheek softly with the back of her hand.

Sandra went stiff for a second before she laughed, tears of joy spilling over and onto the baby.  She looked at me, like she was waiting for an answer and all I could do was nod.

I moved towards my baby, my eyes glued on her tiny face. With each step I took, I felt like I was shedding off ten tons of weight. I looked down at her- her fists were balled up and her eyes still stuck on her mother.

“Can she see you?” I whispered, placing my finger in her tiny fist.

“Yes,” Kristy exclaimed happily.

“She can’t see anything except shadows right now.” The doctor responded to a question not intended for him.

“Hold her so I can hold her,” Kristy said excitedly.

“Do you want her?” Sandra asked holding her out to me. I nodded, too emotional to speak.

I took her, and then walked to the chair and sat down, holding my daughter close to me, afraid I’d drop her.

Then Kristy sat between my legs, placing her arms under mine. “I got you,” she nuzzled her nose against the baby’s. “She’s so beautiful.” She cooed wetting the baby more with her tears.

“She’s ours,” I whispered into her ear. Holding them both like this, I felt like pieces of my heart were being put back together. All the love I have for Kristy and more, I was going to give to my beautiful little angel. I was going to love her forever.

“Make sure you tell her about me. Tell her that I loved her before she was conceived, before she was born and I will keep loving her forever after. Don’t forget to tell her.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

Sandra crouched in front of me, “William, do you know what date it is today?”

I just stared at her, not at all paying attention to her rumbling until Kristy laughed.

I smiled as it dawn on me, “What time is it?”             

“Fifteen minutes past midnight. You got what you wanted, a reincarnation... sort of.” Sandra answered laughing.

“Happy Valentine’s Day sweethearts,” I said addressing both my girls.

Chapter Ten

The new house was bigger and much closer to Sandra’s home. We both moved to a suburb in Millville New Jersey, and onto the same street after Sandra got married two years ago. Her husband was kind enough to agree to give up his New York apartment and move into the suburb. Sandra wanted to raise their son in a quiet community next to my daughter.  My baby girl was one of her reasons for wanting us to live close together.

After Kristy’s surprise, she had Sandra promise to take care of both of us. She never trusted me enough to take care of a puppy so she was really sceptical about my ability to take care of a child alone. That’s why we always postponed having children. I had work and she had protests all over the world that needed her. But one thing I knew for sure, she loved me more than enough to have left me a piece of her.

I named our daughter after her mother. She looked so much like her. She had her mother’s big brown eyes and the dimple on her left cheek when she smiled. When she was mad, her face would scrunch up just the way her mother’s used to. Her black hair was long and curly. She usually held back with a hair band because she liked how the curls bounced around her head when she ran.

She was a constant reminder of the love I lost. But that reminder wasn’t filled with hate and resentment anymore. It was filled with love and wonderful memories that I enjoyed sharing with her. Kristy knew about her mother- her life with me and her siblings and her life as the ambassador of earth. She was never going to meet her mother but I made sure she knew how wonderful and loving she was. All the love I had for her mother was now hers; she was the centre piece in my heart, my joy, my new source of happiness and my only reason for living.