Love Comes Blindly (book 5) (The Fielding Brothers Saga) (12 page)

As she wrapped her arms around his neck, his hands drew circles on her back. His mouth slanted over hers, deepening the kiss. She sighed happily.

“Oh,
Maddie
,” he mumbled into her mouth. “Why are you doing this to me?”

“What am I doing?”

He broke the kiss and gazed into her eyes. “You are confusing me greatly.”

She chuckled. “Now you know how I feel.”

He kissed her again, but more gentle this time.
More meaningful.
Hope blossomed into her chest, yet she dared not believe he held the same feelings she had.

Stopping the kiss again, he rested his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. “Since the very first time we made love three years ago, I have always thought about how much passion you hold. Even when I hated you, I still couldn’t stop remembering what you had felt like in my arms. But—” he moved his mouth to her neck and trailed kisses down her throat, “—it’s all about lust,
Maddie
. I still want you, but it’s just lust. I haven’t forgiven you for lying to me, but every time I’m near you, I want to kiss you and hold you close.”

Tears welled in her eyes, her heart shattering once again. She pushed her hands against his chest and stepped back. “What are you saying, Gregg?”

“I’m saying I want to be with you in a personal way.”

She shook her head. “You are saying that although you want to be intimate with me, you cannot trust me or forgive me for lying to you?” She swallowed the lump of emotion in her throat. “I refuse to be any man’s mistress, Gregg.”

His eyes widened. “Do you expect me to marry you?”

Her heart twisted in agony. Yes, she wanted that, but knew it was not possible. “As I mentioned before, I shall never make a good match, but that doesn’t mean I will become some man’s mistress.” She shook her head and stepped back farther. “I’m sorry, Gregg. No matter how impossible it seems, I want a husband someday, and children, which is why I refuse to live the life of a mistress.”

Emotion choked her throat, and she turned and ran through the gardens into the Abbey, straight to her room. Once inside, she threw herself on the bed and cried.

* * * *

Gregg awoke after having another dream about
Maddie
. Confusion filled him more than anger now. Although he didn’t think he could trust her again, at least he didn’t hate her for what she’d done three years ago. Shaking his muddled head, he quickly dressed for the day, just so he would think of something else.

It didn’t work.

Maddie
was more beautiful now than she’d been before. Yesterday as he’d watched her interact with the other nuns and the people from the village, she was more caring than he’d remembered. He’d spent the past few days watching her from the window as she toiled in the garden. He couldn’t believe the transformation she’d gone through.

Could she possibly be a different woman as she had proclaimed?

Not too long after
Maddie’s
family had disowned her, Gregg had heard from her sister that
Maddie
indeed confessed to only bedding with one man.
Him.
She’d lied to her sister about sleeping with her brother-in-law to cause problems.
Maddie
was certainly a little shrew back then.

But now...

Now she actually thought of others first. Now she didn’t have a motive behind every nice deed she did. If she was working in the garden all day and someone from the village asked for help,
Maddie
would give it without question. From what he’d observed, she had genuinely started a new life and wasn’t anything like the old
Maddie
O’Neil.

And what about her daughter, Vivian?

When he’d first noticed the headstone and saw his name carved on the stone, anger had rushed through him. She’d even given the child his mother’s name, Caroline.

Was it true? Had he been a father?

He growled and scratched his unshaven chin as he stormed out of the Abbey into the flower garden. It had crushed him three years ago to think Madeline didn’t want him but another man instead. He had a reputation to uphold, and when he couldn’t keep her interest, he moved on, even though he still thought about her from time to time.

They’d had a magical night at her sister’s birthday ball—one he’d never forget. Although he wasn’t thrilled about being forced to do the right thing and offer her marriage, he still convinced himself she’d eventually come to love him. They were too much alike, which was surprising, but it also endeared her to him. But when he’d heard she had slept with Andrew, Gregg rebelled and created scandal after scandal just to get her out of his mind.

A year and a half ago he finally settled down and bought the newspaper. He’d found something to hold his interest after all this time.

Gregg sat on the stone bench and closed his eyes. Letting his head tilt back, he drank in the bright sunshine. Images of
Maddie
while he kissed her last night—and all the other times—entered his mind. She was so passionate, more so now than she’d ever been.

Could he leave her here in Scotland and return home without ever thinking of her again, or worrying about her life? An ache formed in his chest, a foreign feeling he didn’t know how to handle. May the devil take him, but Gregg wanted her again! No other woman would do.

She wanted marriage, he reminded himself. He couldn’t even think that way about her because it brought bad memories about their past. But after her lies had broken his heart, he vowed he’d never become that vulnerable with another woman again.

Voices from the pathway brought him out of his thoughts and he looked up to see who was coming.
Maddie
helped Lord Calvin walk in the garden. Although the man had a cane, he leaned on
Maddie
with his arm around her shoulders.

Jealousy crept into Gregg and he gnashed his teeth. Apparently his friend was trying to charm
Maddie
. After all, Drake was as much a rake as Gregg had been back in London.

When they neared, Drake grinned.
“Good news, Fielding.”

Maddie’s
head jerked up toward Gregg as if she didn’t know he was sitting there. Her eyes widened.

Gregg nodded. “You have good news, my good man? Well, pray, tell me what it is.”

Lord Calvin limped to the bench and
Maddie
helped him sit. Her rose scent drifted around Gregg, reminding him of how much he enjoyed her smell.

“The doctor says I’ll be ready to return home in a couple of days.”

Gregg smiled wide. “That is splendid news! I’m certain your family will be anxious for your homecoming.”

Maddie
lowered her gaze and turned to leave, but Drake grasped her wrist to stop her. “I’ve been trying to convince Miss Madeline to come home with me so she can be my nurse.”

She chuckled, although Gregg could tell it was forced.

“And I’ve already told you, Lord Calvin, Scotland is my home now. I’ll not leave.
Ever.”

Drake heaved a sigh and shook his head. “That’s a terrible waste, I tell you. You need to be where your beauty can be appreciated more.”

She cocked her head and planted her hands on her hips.
“My beauty?
Pray, Lord Calvin, do you want me for your nurse or to decorate your home?”

Her quick wit caught Gregg by surprise and he laughed. It’d been a while since he’d enjoyed the old
Maddie’s
clever remarks.

Lord Calvin pulled her hand closer and kissed her knuckles. “Can I not have both?”

“Certainly not, my lord.
You are too confident for your own good.”

Gregg’s heart grew softer the longer he gazed into her lovely eyes. He’d been lost in those before, and now he welcomed the distraction. Indeed, she had changed, and for the better. And heaven help him, he liked the changes.

Drake
tsked
and shook his head. “Miss Madeline, do you leave broken hearts wherever you go?” He clutched his chest. “Because I fear mine is beyond repair now.”

She rolled her eyes. “Oh, I’m quite certain it will heal quickly, just as your leg has.”

Her gaze moved to Gregg and stayed. Her breaths became deeper, and the lines of stress on her face disappeared. Finally, she smiled, which made her blue-green eyes twinkle. “Besides, Lord Calvin, I have given my heart to another man, and I cannot possibly ignore the feelings inside me.”

Gregg’s heart thumped in a quick rhythm.

“What?” Drake’s voice lifted. “You have given your heart to another man? Here?
At the Abbey?”
He shook his head. “Your words are very confusing, Miss Madeline, unless of course you have taken your vows with God and have become a nun.”

She pulled her gaze away from Gregg, which made his heart drop.

“I shall never tell.” She lifted her stubborn chin.

Lord Calvin sighed heavily and shrugged.
“Such a pity.”

“Now, if you kind gentlemen will excuse me, I have duties to perform before supper.”

With her shoulders back and chin erect, she walked away. Gregg frowned, wishing she would stay just a little while longer. He wanted to run to her and pull her into his arms and smother her with kisses. To tell her he forgave her. Yet admitting he was wrong didn’t come easily. Confessing his love was even harder than he’d imagined. It seemed easy with Sister Mary, but with
Maddie
, everything seemed difficult.

Just as she neared the side door of the Abbey, Drake shoved his elbow into Gregg’s side.

He grimaced and scowled at his friend. “Why in the devil did you do that?”

Drake arched an eyebrow and shook his head. “If you were waiting for the perfect moment to confess your love, you just missed it.”

Gregg blinked.
“Pardon?
Why would I confess my love?”

“Because you are enamored with the girl, that’s why. You have been sulking like a lost puppy these past few days, as has she. I have seen the way you watch her, and the way she looks at you when you don’t think she’s there.” Drake shrugged. “I’m not blind and neither are you. Now go and tell her how you feel before she becomes a nun.
Or before we leave.
Whichever comes
first.
”

Chuckling, Gregg ran his fingers through his hair. Now was certainly a good time while he still had the nerve. Yet even as he stood and began his journey toward the Abbey—toward his confession—his stomach churned with indecision. He walked inside and peeked inside the kitchen. She stood next to three other Sisters as they peeled potatoes, diced them, and threw them in the boiling pot of water. He spied on her for a few minutes as she happily conversed with the other ladies before Gregg realized now was not the time to tell her. Later tonight would be better…after everyone was in bed.

Once again, they would have privacy, and just thinking about it made him giddy as a schoolboy.

Chapter Nine

The soldiers were not acting right tonight. Madeline still wondered why they hadn’t left yet, but she didn’t want to say anything for fear they might ask about the missing soldier. From time to time, the Russian soldier watched her with hooded eyes, but she put on a smile and tried to pretend nothing was amiss.

But tonight something was amiss. She could feel it in her bones. Especially when most of them started falling asleep, or when they talked their speech was slurred. Unless someone had brought them some heavy spirits to drink tonight, she suspected their drinks—or food—had been tampered with. Perhaps tonight was the night the prisoners would be freed from their hold. After all, they were well enough to travel now.

She needed to get a note to her contact as soon as she could. Nightfall was almost upon them, and if she hurried, she might be able to get to her contact and back within an hour and not be noticed.

Right after dinner, she went to her bedroom, rushed through changing into a dark gown, grabbed her black hooded cloak and left. She took the back stairs which was rarely used anymore. Once outside, she ran to the stable and grabbed a horse.

A week ago when she had sneaked out to deliver her urgent message, she’d almost been caught by the Reverend Mother. However, this time if anyone caught her, she prayed it was her superior because perhaps there was something the Reverend Mother would do to help. Madeline couldn’t trust the soldiers, especially after Gregg pointed out the two spies were also dressed in British uniforms. There was no way of knowing who the traitor was or not.

She’d been accustomed to riding bareback since being in Scotland, so she mounted and rode off quickly, not looking back to see if anyone noticed her leaving. The ride only took about twenty minutes, and soon she reached the church located in the nearest town.

When she entered, a couple was leaving. They gave her a nod, and she returned the gesture. Straightway, she stepped toward the confessional, entered, and dropped the curtain behind her. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been a fortnight since I have confessed, and I fear I have not been in God’s grace.”

She repeated the words which were a code to let the Father know she was here to give him a message. The curtains moved slightly as he peeked on the other side.