Love Charms (42 page)

"I'm
sorry," I say.  Not because I really am, but because it seems like the
right thing to say right now.

"No." 
Desiree is crying.  I don't understand it.  "No, it's not you.  It's my
fault.  I shouldn't have done it.  I'm stupid.  I know that and I know I can't
do anything about it now.  Alex has taken over your house.  It's your house,
but I destroyed it and I'm so sorry.  I swear, I am, and you don't have to
believe me, but..."

Someone
yells to Desiree from the back porch.  "Hey, Desiree?  Alex, Evan, and I
are heading to get some gas for the generator.  We're leaving you and Tom
here.  Be careful, alright?  It doesn't look like she's going anywhere, but
just in case."

The
tent, I realize, is set up so that neither side is facing the house.  Desiree
abandons me, leaving me alone again, and the thin trail of heat from her finger
dissipates in the rain like a quick cloud of fog.

I
hear her shuffle through the tent, though I can't look.  The only thing I can
do right now is turn to the side.  I see the man, but he doesn't bother looking
at me.  Desiree exits through the other side of the tent.

"Yeah,
James.  I'm all set," Desiree says.  "It's kind of nice out here. 
The tent reminds me of camping trips in the rain when I was young.  I'll let
Tom know if I need anything.  I should be fine, though."

James
leaves and Desiree returns.

"They're
leaving," she says.  "They should be gone for an hour or two.  I know
I can't make up for what I did, but I'm going to get you out of there."

* * *

I
lean against the bars, half sitting on the grass and partway on the edge of the
dog bed.  I am an animal, apparently, fit for captivity and barely allowed any
common decency.  To protect them from me, I guess.  No one wants to protect me
from this, though.  No one's even thought about that.

Maybe
Desiree has.  I don't know.  She didn't think about it before all this
happened, but she's thought about it now.

She
has a small wire cutter and she uses it to snip the cage.  Not all at once, nor
too fast, just in case.  I doubt anyone can hear her, but Evan, Alex, and the
other man have only just left.  They may return, they might have forgotten
something.  I don't know.  It's hard to think right now.

The
rain hits me, assaulting me, but there's been so much rain and for so long now
that it almost feels normal.  I feel as if I've lived this way forever, lived
with the sensation of welts and bruises covering my entire body for my entire
life.  It hurts, but it is bright, too.  Sharp, flashing, and it is who I am
now.

"It's
the rain, isn't it?" Desiree asks.

"Yes,"
I say.

"Evan
told me about yesterday.  He mentioned those people in the theatre and how they
ran from the fire sprinkler system.  He kept looking out the window upstairs,
staring at you.  He said he hoped it didn't rain because he thought there was
something bad about it for people like you.  He tried to tell Alex, but Alex
refused to listen.  Alex said not to worry about it because you weren't a witch
from Oz.  I guess it was supposed to be a joke, but I think it just pissed Evan
off more."

"It
hurts," I say, trying to find the strength to speak without wanting to
bite my tongue from the pain.  "I don't know why.  Water always hurts.  We
can drink it alright for some reason, but when it's on the outside of our
bodies, it's so painful."

"I'm
sorry," she says.

"It's
not your fault."  And in some rare display of my humanity, I add, "I
don't think either of us checked the news for today's weather."

Desiree
laughs.  She tries to stifle it because this isn't a funny situation, but she
can't.  She laughs and she presses her entire hand through the hole in the cage
she's made.  Her fingers wrap around my arm and her palm presses lightly into
my skin.  It's a soft, friendly touch, and though I'm unsure if she's a friend
or not, I like it.

"I
always thought Evan was a little crazy," Desiree says.  "A good kind
of crazy, but still crazy.  You haven't seem them--or, I guess maybe you
have--but it's so dangerous now.  The zombies... I mean, you know?  I don't
know what to call them now.  I lived here alone and my family lived over a
hundred miles away, so I have no idea what happened to them, but I've seen what
can happen to us."

"I
know," I say, and I nod.  Then I say something I don't think I should say,
but I say it anyways.  "I... I think that some of us enjoy it.  I don't
know for sure, but I think they do."

"What?"
Desiree asks.  She clips free more of the cage and there's a larger hole now. 
Not enough for either of us to move our entire bodies through, but large enough
for both arms or a head.

"We
don't need to eat anyone," I say.  "I think it probably does help,
but I haven't.  Evan and I met another man like me yesterday, too, and he said
he hasn't ever, either.  We don't need to, but I know that the warmth helps. 
It's small and there's always a little urge to get warm in any way I can, but I
think some of us, the others like me, want to do it.  I think they want to kill
and to eat and to..."

I
don't say any more.  I don't even know if any of this is true.  It's an idea
I've had for awhile now, but I always wanted to forget it.  I want to think
that everyone is almost normal and that we are a victim of consequence, but
then I think that some of the others embrace their abnormality and truly do
become zombies and monsters.

They
are angry and they want to destroy and in this world they're given free reign
to do what they like.  Others do it, so why shouldn't they?  Others do it
because they give in, or they feel like they need to and the pressure or
depression or isolation becomes too much.  Still more do it because they want
to and because they desire it.  They are cold like me, and isolated, but in an
entirely different way.  They don't live in a harsh, violent world, they have
become it and want it to prosper in it.

"I
don't know," Desiree says.  "You're not like that, though.  I don't
think you'll ever be like that.  I don't know you, Sadie, but Evan really likes
you.  He talked about you all last night.  Not constantly, but every so often. 
I don't think either of us could sleep and Alex forced us to stay in the same
room, so..."

"You
slept together?" I ask.  I think knowing the answer will be painful, but I
don't know if anything can be more painful than the rain.  It's better if I
find out now than when I feel good and regular.  If I ever feel good and
regular again, that is.

"Just
in the same bed," she says hastily.  "Not anything else."  I get
the feeling she's hiding something from me, but I don't ask what.  Maybe I
don't actually want to know.  "I like Evan, but he likes you.  I just want
to be his friend still.  I don't know.  He wouldn't stop talking about you,
anyways.  He'd say something fast, then stop, and neither of us would say
anything more for a minute, then he'd say something else, and... he did that
all night.  It was sweet, you know?  Not for me, but for you, and..."

"He
asked you to help me, didn't he?" I ask.

"No,"
Desiree replies, deadpan.  She sounded happier before, but now she's not. 
"Evan's given up.  It's honestly really sad.  Alex is blackmailing him. 
He says that if Evan helps fortify and secure a place here until spring, he'll
let you and him escape then, but only if he doesn't come near you or say
anything to anyone about you.  I think Evan's planning to do that, or try, but
I don't want him to.  You two need to be together."

I
cry and I don't know why I'm crying.  Crying hurts, but it's already raining
and nothing can hurt as much as that.  The tears slip down my cheeks and I
taste salt on my lips.  It reminds me a little of the popcorn from last night. 
I only ate a few fluffed kernels, but the memory of it brings me some small amount
of happiness.  With Evan.

He's
trapped now, like me.  We're both a mess.  I doubt the pain he's feeling is
like mine, but I don't think either of our pains are any less than the other;
we're both the same, but different.

We
need to be together, Desiree said.

"What
about you?" I ask.

"I'll
come back here," Desiree says.  "I actually have no idea how this is
going to work.  Evan is gone, but after they return, once Alex realizes you're
missing..."

"Evan
will get in trouble," I say, finishing her sentence.

"We
need to figure out a way to get him away from there before they return,"
she says.

"How
are we going to leave in the first place?" I ask.  "Isn't there
another man inside still?"

"Right,"
Desiree says.  I feel the shake of her body pressing against the bars of my
cage as she nods.  "I think I have that part settled.  I know it's hard,
but wait here a moment, alright?  I almost have this cut away and then we can
leave.  I'll see if I can find a raincoat, too."

I
nod feebly and murmur a "yes" but what else can I do?  If I don't
wait here, where will I go?  There's nowhere
to
go.

Desiree
leaves, shuffling out of the tent, and out of the corner of my eye I see her
jogging through the rain towards the house.

* * *

This
was a risk, Desiree thought, but she needed to do it.  She hadn't taken risks
since everything had gone to hell almost half a year ago, but she would now. 
She hadn't had a reason to before, hadn't thought she should.  Everyone wanted
to live quietly, right?  They wanted to pretend like nothing happened and plow
over the ruins so they could build anew.

She
couldn't do that anymore.  Evan never wanted to escape, he wanted to return. 
He wanted to fix the world and rebuild what was left of it.  To Desiree, Evan
was wonderful.  He didn't try to sugarcoat anything or hide behind difficulties
and he didn't change who he was.  Evan was real and regular and maybe the only
normal person left in the entire world.

And
she'd tried to destroy that.  It hadn't occurred to her before, but she ended
up trying to completely obliterate the exact thing that she loved about Evan. 
His smile and optimism, his absolute assurance that maybe everything wasn't the
best ever, but it'd all work out in the end.

She
couldn't completely fix it, she knew.  But she refused to pretend like nothing
happened.  She wouldn't try to plow over her problems and attempt to build her
relationship with Evan anew.  She would rebuild what she'd broken, even if she
couldn't, and that was it.

She
doubted he'd want to talk to her again and that was fine.  Last night, sleeping
fitfully next to him, listening to him open up to her, had been the best night
of her life.  She was tired, so tired, but it didn't matter.  It seemed a tad
depressing to say, but she'd experienced the highlight of her life with Evan
last night, and she doubted anything else could come close.

It
didn't depress her, though, it made her feel optimistic.  It made her feel real
and regular and normal.  And maybe, just maybe, she could be wonderful, too. 
Like Evan.  She knew she'd never be as wonderful to Evan as Sadie was, but she
could be wonderful for herself.  She wanted to try.

Opening
the glass door on the back porch of Sadie's home, Desiree let herself inside. 
Rain dripped off her clothes and soaked the floor beneath her, leaving a puddle
of wetness by her feet.  Tom sat on the couch, lounging around, staring at the
bleak skyline through the living room window.

"Hey,"
she said.

"How's
it going?" he asked.  "Everything good?"

"Yeah,
it's just..."  She hesitated, grinning.

"Yeah? 
It's just what?"

"I
know the guys are going to get gas for the generator, but you know they're
going to want to use it sparingly, right?  It's not like we can just kick back
and relax on the couch and watch a movie or anything."

"Fucking
right," Tom said, grumbling.  "I used to love watching football on
Sundays.  I don't even know when Sunday is now."

Desiree
knew this.  Tom always whined about it.  He was jealous of Evan and his laptop
and solar array and small DVD collection.  Desiree mentioned it to Evan once,
and he said if Tom just asked he'd let him borrow the computer (under
supervision, of course) so he could watch a movie or whatever, but Tom never
asked.  Tom was one of those people who liked to complain, but didn't want to
put forth effort to fix his grievances.

"The
generator has some gas left in it," Desiree said.  "I watched a movie
last night.  What Alex doesn't know won't hurt him, right?  If you want to help
me power it up, you should have an hour or so before they return.  You could
watch something quick.  I doubt Alex will let anyone do it later, so..."

Tom
sat up on the couch and leaned forward.  Steepling his fingers and pressing
them against his lips, furrowing his brow, he contemplated the offer.  Desiree
watched him and waited, afraid to say anything in case she scared him away from
the idea.

"Yeah,"
Tom said, regular.  Then, "Yeah!" with more enthusiasm.  "I
deserve it, don't I.  You want to join me, Desiree?  I won't tell.  The zombie
chick doesn't look like she's going anywhere anyways."