Love and Respect (8 page)

This concept of honoring your wife is also found in Ephesians 5, where Paul says husbands ought to love their wives as they do themselves. As Paul says, “No one ever hated his own flesh, but . . . cherishes it.” The passage clearly says that as a husband cherishes his own flesh he is to cherish his wife in the same way (see vv. 28–29). A wife longs to be that special person Paul describes. She wants to be cherished as a princess, not revered as a queen. She longs to be first in importance to him.

It is as though she is the princess and he is the prince. In Ephesians 5:33, a husband has a need to be respected as the head, the one called upon to die. “Christ . . . is the head . . . [and] loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:23, 25). The prince goes into battle for the princess, not vice versa. Consequently, the princess does not seek to be respected as the “head.” Instead, she yearns to be honored, valued, and prized as a precious equal, “a fellow heir of the grace of life,” as Peter unfolds in 1 Peter 3:7.

To carry further the word picture of the prince and princess, I believe the biblical order of things is that, as prince, the husband is to be considered “first among equals.” By that I mean he is her equal, but he is called upon to be the first to provide, to protect—and even to die if necessary. This is graphically illustrated on any sinking ship as lifeboats are put over the side. The cry is always, “Women and children first!”

It’s not an accident that in every culture, as a rule, men are bigger and stronger than women. Is this not God’s visual aid concerning His purpose for men? When Nehemiah led his men in rebuilding the wall and fighting off the enemy, he urged them to “fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives” (Nehemiah 4:14). Something in a man longs for his wife to look up to him as he fulfills this role. And when she does, it motivates him, not because he is arrogant, but because of how God has constructed him. Few husbands walk around claiming, “I’m first among equals.” The husband with goodwill (and good sense) knows this isn’t his right, but it is his responsibility. She, on the other hand, possesses something within that thirsts to be valued as “first in importance.” Nothing energizes her more! She is not self-centered. God placed this in her by nature.

When he honors her as first in importance and she respects him as first among equals, their marriage works. When he expects her to look up to him yet puts her down, he deflates her. When he feels she is trying to be a bossy queen, he cannot detect her real heart. When she expects him to protect her but then accuses him of being paternalistic (too fatherly) or condescending, she deflates him. When she feels he is trying to be “more than equal” or greater, she cannot detect his real heart.

HUSBANDS: DO NOT SAY, “I TOLD YOU SO! ”

A word of caution must be given to husbands at this point. For many wives, hearing that the Bible teaches women to give unconditional respect to their husbands is a huge piece of information. It is often something wives may never have heard before in any form. A wise husband will not use this information as a weapon. Instead, he will be humble. He will let his wife process what she has learned and then let her act upon it. When she does, miracles can happen.

In a marriage especially, “thoughtless words cut like a sword” (Proverbs 12:18 NIRV).

In many cases, couples report that the Crazy Cycle grinds to a screeching halt. And more often than not, this change is triggered by the wife as she tries to give her husband unconditional respect. As a wife gets used to the idea of respecting her husband, she likes doing it and, of course, her husband is pleased also (after he gets over the shock). But most important, the husband is triggered to give his wife unconditional love. The lose-lose situation turns into a win-win, as the following letters from two much happier husbands indicate: One man who had attended numerous marriage seminars during twelve years of marriage wrote:

While most marriage seminars concentrate on the husband’s need to love his wife unconditionally and sacrificially, few delve in any detail into the wife’s encouragement to respect her husband. Dr. Eggerichs understands this intrinsic need men have and how important the fulfillment of this need is to marriage communication. My wife and I heard things that explained why we “argue” and why we feel the way we feel. . . . I have never left a marriage seminar more excited and encouraged about my marriage.

Another husband who had attended one of our conferences said:

Having participated in several marriage seminars over the past seventeen years, I was not anticipating any earth-shattering or thought-provoking ideas. If anything, I expected the typical reproof commonly granted to men at these conferences. Instead, I walked away enlightened with a deeper sense of God’s design for men and women within the context of marriage. Rather than seeing our differences as deficiencies or reasons to divide, I began to appreciate and celebrate the uniqueness with which God has “wired” us. Although I was convicted of my shortcomings, I was also moved and inspired. I walked away encouraged and refreshed as I received a deeper understanding of who I am, and how that translates into my role as husband.

These men are among a growing number of husbands who are receiving respect and responding to their wives with positive understanding dialogue. And their wives are seeing that their husbands don’t have to “earn respect” any more than they don’t have to “earn love.”

But I have encountered many women for whom the words
unconditional respect
are a red flag. They have been bombarded for so long by the wrong interpretation of biblical submission that they are suspicious and even hostile toward the whole idea. “It will never work” . . . “It’s a man’s world” . . . “Unconditionally respecting men will just give them more power to grind us down.”

I understand these concerns, but I respond that husbands who have goodwill toward their wives are not looking for ways to have power and superiority over them. On the contrary, many husbands don’t feel that powerful at all. Deep down they have a basic fear that can keep the Crazy Cycle spinning. As the next chapter will show, wives have far more power to change their marriage than many ever imagined.

CHAPTER 4
WHAT MEN FEAR MOST
CAN KEEP THE CRAZY CYCLE
SPINNING

I
n chapter 2, I mentioned that many husbands interpret criticism as contempt, and contempt is something men do not handle well. Wives must grasp that their husbands aren’t half as big and strong and impervious to being hurt as they might seem. A woman may envision herself as a sweet little dewdrop and her man as a big, strong bear who should be able to absorb any kind of punishment. One huge fellow was stunned by his beloved’s attack and said to her, “You hate me.”

Frustrated, she replied, “When I scream ‘I hate you,’ you should know I don’t mean it. You are 6’9” and weigh 260 pounds, for goodness’ sake. I do that because you can take it.” The truth is, however, a lot of men can’t take it. No matter how big they may be physically, emotionally they are vulnerable to what sounds like contempt.

The male fear of contempt is dramatized in the first chapter of Esther. What was the fear? That wives would start to despise their husbands and defy them. The result: there would be no end to the contempt and anger poured out by wives on their husbands throughout the king’s realm (see Esther 1:18). This is not to justify the male fear of contempt in the book of Esther or anywhere else. But as women fear being unloved, men fear being disrespected (held in contempt). The yearning and need of husbands is that their wives give them honor and respect.

CONFLICT MAKES MOST MEN FEEL DISRESPECTED

When Decision Analysts, Inc., did a national survey on male-female relationships, I had the opportunity to contribute a question that was asked of a large representative sampling of men. The question read:

Even the best relationships sometimes have conflicts on day-to-day issues. In the middle of a conflict with my wife/significant other, I am more likely to be feeling:

(a) that my wife/significant other doesn’t respect me right now.

(b) that my wife/significant other doesn’t love me right now.

Not surprisingly, 81.5 percent chose “(a) that my wife . . . doesn’t respect me right now.”
¹

The survey substantiated what I already had discovered in my years of working with married couples. Men need to feel respected during conflict more than they need to feel loved. This does not mean men do not need love. As I already mentioned, men know deep down that their wives love them, but they are not at all that sure that their wives respect them. Perhaps that’s why they favored answer (a) over answer (b) by such a great majority. Whatever the reason, during marital conflict, it is clear that men place a higher value on feeling respected than on feeling loved. Many women cannot imagine this because they are still tuned into the love wavelength.

Practically every woman I have met or counseled would be willing to say, “I just want somebody to love me, to make me special, to make me the most important one in his life.” No one seizes on these words and accuses women of being prima donnas or egomaniacs. Yet when a man says he needs to be respected, he is often labeled, especially in our culture, as arrogant.

But it’s amazing what happens when a woman gives a man respect and admiration. Just go back to your days of courting. During courtship the woman may have thought that her man was motivated to ask her to marry him because of her love. After all, love is what motivated her. In fact, her love was huge; there is no question about that. But more than she ever realized, it was her unique and intimate admiration that won her man’s heart. The old saying puts it: “Every man does what he does for the admiration of one woman.” Back in courtship days, she became that woman and he bowed the knee and proposed. He felt deep feelings of love for her, but they came out of his being convinced that she respected him and admired him. She was striking a chord deep within him that literally drove his life then as it drives his life today.

Wives virtually ask to be unloved when they “look down on their husbands”(Esther 1:17 NIRV).

I believe that men hold respect and honor as almost equal values. My experience as a man, and with other men, tells me that in our arena we have an honor code, and if we don’t live by that honor code, we’re in big trouble. We have learned from boyhood that there are certain things you just don’t do, certain things you just don’t say. A woman will talk to a husband in the home in the way that a man would never talk to him. He can’t believe she can be so belligerent, so disrespectful.

The husband will often look away, wanting to drop the argument and move on. He doesn’t want to talk about it. Why? Because he feels engulfed and overpowered by his wife’s dark countenance, negative emotions, and combative words. All this annoys and incites him. So he withdraws. To him, that is the honorable thing to do.

ARE YOU A CRITICIZER OR A STONEWALLER?

According to John Gottman’s extensive research, 85 percent of husbands eventually stonewall their wives during conflict. For a man, tension builds faster because his blood pressure and heart rate rise much higher and stay elevated much longer than his wife’s.

During tense exchanges, a wife’s negative criticism can overwhelm the husband and he has little appetite to deal with it. The wife sees such exchanges as potentially increasing love between them, and her heartbeats per minute (BPM) do not escalate. The husband, on the other hand, sees the exchange as an argument in which he is apt to lose respect, and this revs up his BPMs.

David’s wife asked for the Crazy Cycle when “she despised him in her heart” (2 Samuel 6:16).

In an attempt to calm himself down, the husband will stonewall—become quiet, say nothing, or go off by himself. If asked why he has stonewalled, the husband will say something like, “I’m trying not to react.” The wife may see her husband’s stonewalling as unloving, but he does not. He is simply trying to do the honorable and respectable thing, but his wife thinks he’s rejecting her. How could he possibly want to withdraw and stonewall her when all she has done is given him a minor criticism or two?

Gottman states, “Such interactions can produce a vicious cycle, especially in marriage with high levels of conflict. The more wives complain and criticize, the more husbands withdraw and stonewall; the more husbands withdraw and stonewall, the more wives complain and criticize.”
²
Gottman adds that if a wife becomes belligerent and con temptuous, the marriage is in serious danger. If this cycle isn’t broken, it will probably end in divorce.
³

HOW WOMEN DEAL WITH CONFLICT BETWEEN THEMSELVES

My experience in counseling hundreds of marriages over the years confirms that husbands are, indeed, masterful stonewallers as a rule. Their wives, of course, are usually the ones who are the criticizers, the confronters, the ones who want to get things out on the table and get them settled. There are wives who stonewall at times, but in my experience, they are in the minority. My view is that when a wife does stonewall, she does so because she has lost confidence that her husband will hear her heart. She longs to connect but has given up hope. While his heart rate may be going through the roof, hers is slow and steady because her heart is broken. (See appendix D, p. 317.)

In the majority of cases, a wife who is in love with her husband will move toward him when she feels unloved. For example, it’s the first year of marriage and he has been late to dinner two nights in a row without calling. She says to herself,
This is wrong. How can he be so insensitive? Am I last on his priority list? This is so unloving.
Instinctively, she proceeds to say what she believes is the loving thing when he comes through the door: “We need to talk. We need to talk right now. Please sit down and talk to me!”

In approaching her husband in this fashion, the wife is using the same approach she would use with a best girlfriend. When women have conflicts with each other, they both usually verbalize their feelings. They share what is on their hearts because instinctively they know it will eventually lead to reconciliation. At some point, one of them will say, “Well, I was wrong.” Then the other will say, “No, I was wrong too. Will you forgive me?” And the other one says, “Yes, of course I’ll forgive you. I’m really sorry.” Then they hug, shed a few tears, and pretty soon they’re laughing.