Love and Respect (23 page)

Instead of preaching sermons about not rebelling against inspired Scripture, I devised a way they could test the concept of unconditional respect with their husbands. Not surprisingly, I called it the “Respect Test.” I asked a group of wives to spend a bit of time thinking of some things they respected about their husbands. It took some of them quite awhile, but they all finally did it. Then I told them to go home, wait until their husbands weren’t busy or distracted, and say: “I was thinking about you today and several things about you that I respect, and I just want you to know that I respect you.”

After saying this, they were to not wait for any response—just mention something they needed to do and quietly start to leave the room. Then they were to see what would happen. One woman reported back to me that after telling her husband she respected him, she turned to leave but she never even made it to the door. He practically screamed, “Wait! Come back.
What
things?”

Fortunately (and this is very important), she was ready to tell him what she respected about him and she proceeded to do so. After she was finished, he said, “Wow! Hey, can I take the family out to dinner?”

The wife was aghast. Her husband had seldom if ever taken the family out to dinner. What was going on here? I explained to her that a man’s first and fundamental impulse is to serve, especially in response to being honored. She had honored him, and he wanted to do something about it. The wife had to ask for a rain check because the kids had commitments that evening, and he agreed. About fifteen minutes later, however, she heard pots and pans banging in the kitchen. She went to look and found her husband fixing dinner. Her husband had
never
fixed dinner.
Never
—this was a first! Again, he was serving.

When doing the Respect Test, you “. . . walk by faith, not by sight—”

(2 Corinthians 5:7).

A few days later, this wife wrote to us again and said, “You won’t believe it. He’s in the laundry room! Do you have any other ‘respect tests’? I think I might get a cruise out of this.”

Could a wife use the Respect Test to manipulate her husband to take her on a cruise? That’s possible, but this wife was not guilty of manipulation. She sincerely tried expressing respect for her husband, and it worked far beyond her expectations. To repeat what I said earlier, a husband who has basic goodwill will serve his wife when she respects him for who he is. I am convinced that the key to motivating another person is meeting his or her deepest need.

Granted, not every wife may get the same response that this woman received. Some husbands might mull over the Respect Test for a while and say something later. Or they might say nothing at all. The point is, using the Respect Test means taking a step of faith. It is admitting that you understand what God’s Word says about unconditional respect for your husband. You show him respect
regardless of his response
.

Be Ready with Reasons That You Respect Him

When a wife tells her husband that there are several things that she respects about him, most husbands—after regaining consciousness—will instantly ask, “What were you thinking? What do you mean? What do you respect about me?” A wife needs to be prepared to answer these questions honestly and genuinely. Don’t expect to make your respect statement, head for the hills, and hope he never mentions it again. Trust me—that won’t happen.

But what if a wife just doesn’t know what to say? We have talked with many wives who admit there just isn’t anything they really respect about their husbands. But a wife who says this is usually too angry or perhaps too discouraged to think about what she can respect in her husband. First, this kind of wife must ask herself, “Is my husband, as unaware and unloving as he is, a man of basic goodwill?” If the answer to this question is yes in any degree at all, then this wife can start making her list. It will help her to realize that her husband is made in the image of God, and he has God-given attributes that are worthy of respect. For example, he desires to work and achieve and to protect and provide for this family. He desires to be strong and to lead in the good sense of the word. We’ll look at these and other God-given male attributes in following chapters. The point is this:
look at his desires and not his performance
. Here are some thoughts to get you started. You can frame them in your own particular words.

“Honey, I respect how you get up every day and go to work to provide for our family. This isn’t an option; you have to do it and you do.”

“Honey, I respect you for your desire to protect me and provide for me and the family. I think of all the insurance you have for us. I know the bills weigh on you at times, and I admire you for your commitment.”

The key is to focus on the positive instead of always going back to the negative. A wife must try to see what God sees. Is your husband basically a man of goodwill? Get in touch with that fact and express respect for it. A Scripture passage I often reference regarding goodwill in marriage is 1 Corinthians 7:33–34. Paul assumes that married couples in Corinth have goodwill toward each other. He points out that an unmarried man has more time for doing the Lord’s work but that a married man “is concerned about . . . how he may please his wife” (v. 33). Paul goes on to say that it is the same for a wife who “is concerned about . . . how she may please her husband” (v. 34).
¹

A goodwilled husband does not try to displease his wife but to please her, as Paul clearly states in 1 Corinthians 7:33. I always urge a wife who is feeling unloved to be slow in asserting that her husband is unloving or does not want to love her. That is impugning an evil motive upon her husband, which is too drastic a judgment. True, a husband may not be as loving as he ought to be, but he is not consciously, willfully, and habitually trying to be unloving and displeasing. During those moments when a husband displeases a wife or a wife displeases her husband, it helps to keep certain scriptures in mind: “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41) and “Indeed, there is not a righteous man [
or woman
] on earth who continually does good and who never sins” (Ecclesiastes 7:20; italics mine).
²

When a husband gets angry or stubborn, his wife must realize he is not set on a course to hurt her. He tries to be well-meaning. He wants a happy marriage. And because he wants that happy marriage, wives who try the Respect Test can be amazed at what will happen. Men are starving for respect. One wife who attended one of our conferences wrote to me and reported what happened when she used the Respect Test. Instead of talking to him, she typed up a card that told her husband how much she respected him for working so hard to provide for the family and letting her be a stay-at-home mom for their three daughters. She tucked it in his briefcase, and he y found it the next day by midmorning. Immediately, he called her on his cell phone and thanked her for making his whole day.

When a wife wisely applies respect, she is “a wise wife . . . given by the LORD”

(Proverbs 19:14 NIRV).

I could give you many other reports from wives who tried the Respect Test and passed with flying colors. Some have done it face to face, others have written notes, and others have called their husband at work and left a respect message on his voicemail. It doesn’t matter how a wife uses the Respect Test, but when she does, it can be the first step toward a real breakthrough in the marriage. One wife wrote:

Just a few days ago, I decided to tell my husband that I respect him. It felt so awkward to say the words, but I went for it and the reaction was unbelievable! He asked me why I respected him. I listed off a few things, although I could have said many more, and I watched his demeanor change right before my very eyes!

If your relationship has been unfulfilling, try to think back to the point where it lost its intimacy. You may remember feeling wounded in spirit because you did not feel your husband loved you in a meaningful way, and you reacted. Ever since, the Crazy Cycle has spun for you to one degree or another. This wife admitted:

We’ve been living in the Crazy Cycle for more years than you can imagine. I’ve already respected him; I just wasn’t showing it because I felt so unloved. I guess it was my way of retaliating, but I honestly didn’t know it. As I [started] really looking at him during some interactions I was shocked at the look on his face. I saw that he felt disrespected! How could I never see it before? The best way I can describe what I see happening now is that he is melting, and I feel hope for the first time in years.

This wife found the way off the Crazy Cycle! The following chapters are designed to help you start practicing respect for your husband in ways that will energize him and your marriage. The word
C-H-A-I-R-S
describes the typical man. Yes, I know there are exceptions, but men, in general, see themselves as the ones who should “chair” the relationship. That may not be politically correct, but we’re not here to discuss political correctness. We’re here to discuss the way things are—the way men and women feel in their souls. We’ve looked at how women feel in their souls, and now we must consider how men feel. Neither is wrong; they’re just as different as pink and blue.

A husband wants to be seen as one “who manages his own household well” (1 Timothy 3:4).

In most cases, men see themselves in the driver’s seat. Whether they are any good at chairing the relationship and being in the driver’s seat can be debated. But in terms of a man’s self-image, he needs to be the chairman; he needs to drive. He needs to be first among equals, not to be superior or dominating but because this is how God has made him and he wants to take on that responsibility. Keep this vital fact in mind as you read through the six concepts that follow, which will explain how to spell respect to a man and get you both on the Energizing Cycle. As these concepts unfold, you will get a clearer picture of who your husband is and how God has made him (and your son if you have one). And, as you practice these concepts, you may well enjoy what many wives have experienced. For example:

We have never had a marriage that was close and intimate [and loving] until I began practicing respect. I always knew that something was lacking, but figured it was him [being unloving] and not me [being disrespectful]. Now I feel loved and I know he feels respected and a tremendous void has been filled in our lives.

Your comment [was] that it is easier for men to respect their wives than to love them, and easier for wives to love their husbands than to respect them. I have never come across that thought, ever before. It was really striking to me. This was really, really important.

My husband and I are enjoying such a sweeter relationship these days. I have learned to be keenly aware of what I am communicating (including facial expressions and tone of voice) and my husband has responded by allowing me to tell him when I am feeling unloved. We have avoided the Crazy Cycle completely since I committed to be obedient to God in this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Those are just a few of dozens of such comments that we have received. As Dale Carnegie once said, “Truly respecting others is the bedrock of motivation.” It is also the key to getting off the Crazy Cycle and on the Energizing Cycle. Read on and learn specific ways to motivate your husband to love you as never before.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CONQUEST—APPRECIATE HIS
DESIRE TO WORK AND ACHIEVE

A
s we begin to unpack the acronym C-H-A-I-R-S, our first letter is C, standing for
C
onquest. Because I am talking primarily to wives, many of you may be wondering why I picked such an unromantic word. “Conquest” sounds like something out of the dark ages of chauvinism when men believed it was their right to conquer women —physically, sexually, mentally, and emotionally. That kind of conquest is not at all what I have in mind.

By “conquest,” I mean the natural, inborn desire of the man to go out and “conquer” the challenges of his world—to work and achieve. As a wife, if you can start to understand how important your husband’s work is to him, you will take a giant step toward communicating respect and honor, two things that he values even more than your love.

That a husband values respect more than love is very difficult for many women to grasp. God has made you to love, and you see life through pink lenses that are focused on love. You give love, you want love, and you may not quite understand why your husband does not operate the same way. When I say a husband values respect more than love, do I mean that your husband does not value love at all? Of course he values your love—more than words can describe—but he spells love R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Let’s create a scene that might illustrate how a man feels about conquest. Suppose a husband has just lost his job. He comes home and tells his wife. He looks shattered, dazed, defeated. To help her husband, the wife says, “It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that we love one another.” Does this seem to help? He looks at her blankly, shrugs, and plunks down in front of the TV. For the rest of the evening he is withdrawn, not wanting to talk. His wife is baffled. She tried to comfort him, and now he has withdrawn from her.

Actually, the answer is quite simple. Pink and blue are at it again. Pink tried to comfort; blue was offended by her overtures. To help you understand, let’s create another scene where the wife has a miscarriage. Her husband comes to her and says, “Honey, it doesn’t matter as long as we love one another.”

Some women might say I’m talking about apples and oranges. How can I compare losing a job to losing a baby? I’m not arguing the value of what is lost here; I’m explaining how important your husband’s job is to him. In his eyes, he has lost something that is extremely important—it is part of the very warp and woof of his being.

This is why, in all likelihood, if you try to comfort your husband after he loses his job by saying, “It’s okay, honey; we have each other,” it may not help much. He knows he has you. He is secure in your love, but he also identifies strongly with the fact that he is someone who works, who has a position, who has responsibilities. Where did he get this deep-seated feeling about his work?