Love and Lies (17 page)

He paused for a moment and took a deep breath. “Carissa, please tell me what you're thinking. I know you're mad. I can see it here.” He smoothed the creases on my forehead. “I've screwed up, I know that. Please tell me what to do to make it better.
You make me crazy. Dating isn’t something that I do. That wasn’t even part of the plan with your parents. They only wanted me to watch out for you. Said they gave you a year by yourself and now they needed to know more about things going on down here. Apparently, someone sent them a letter telling them about all the trouble you were in last year. Whether or not you believe it, I think your parents care about you.”

A letter? Trouble? There’d been neither of those things. I attended my classes, kept my nose clean. Other than a few bad dates here and there, I only had two friends: Alec and Logan. Whatever lies
my parents had fed Eric worked better than I would have thought. Care about me—right. The only thing Mom and Dad cared about was their reputation. That’s what they worried about, their daughter ruining their precious reputation while I was on my own. Well, screw them. I was nineteen, a legal adult. They no longer had control over my actions.

Yeah, except that they did. I still needed them to pay for school. It was too late for me to apply for a scholarship now. If I could get through this semester then next semester I’d apply for a scholarship and cut them out of my life completely.

I looked into Eric’s eyes. “I can't. I don't know.” I paused, not sure what to say. Then it all came together. With unexpected intensity my words came out sharp and bitter, “That first day, when you asked me out. You mentioned my parents. Oh, my God.”

“Yeah, I did. I wanted to tell you then, but I'd planned on quitting after you said yes. A lot has happened in a short period of time. You have no idea how fucking sorry I am. No idea. I'm begging you to
believe me, then take some time and decide what you want to do about us. That's all I'm asking.”

Could I do that?
He was giving me the choice. That's what I'd wanted when I left New York. If I shut him down without consideration, I took away his choice to be honest, maybe even wipe both of our slates clean. There was no other option.

“Fine. After you quit.” Listen or not, it was going to be on my terms.

“Like I’ve said more than once, but you seem to tune out, I quit. ” Eric crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m not working for your parents. Haven’t been for a while. That’s what I’m asking you to believe.”

“If that’s true, then you should have told me all of this before I found out on my own. The day I talked to my mom, you could have said something, but you didn’t.” He didn’t argue, didn’t disagree with me. Just accepted. Not even an explanation.  “Bye, Eric.  You need to leave.”

I didn’t know what else to do but put some space between us. Have a moment to myself. He wanted me to believe in him, well, I needed to sort everything out. Analyze both sides of the story. 

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

When I walked through the halls the next day
, everything felt off. People were talking all around me, but I heard nothing. Arms brushed against me in the hallways, but I felt nothing. My world was a gray haze, even though the sun blazed outside.

At lunch
, Eric sat next to me, but there was a new distance between us. Since the first day, I’d known when he was near me. I felt calm when he was around. Now, we could have sat at different ends of the room and still been closer than just then. I wasn't sure if he was giving me space, or if there was more to it.

The distance hurt
, and deep down, my soul knew something was missing. My stomach was tied in knots so tight I felt like I'd spent hours doing sit-ups. No matter how hard I tried to unclench my fists, it didn't work, so by the time my last class rolled around, I had half moon indentions all over my palms.

Alec's arm snaked around my waist and pulled me back
half way to class. My feet slipped against the freshly buffed floor, causing me to nearly fall on my butt.

“Alec, I'm not in the mood.” My voice was empty, but Alec didn't seem to care. He continued to tug me back from
the door of the room until we reached the opposite wall.

When we could go no further
, he twisted around me, so that I rested against the cold brick. His arms braced on either side of me. “Carissa, baby girl, what's going on with you today? You're a walking zombie.”

“Did you know?” My voice hitched when I asked. I wouldn't shed tears
. I was angry and hurt, but I’d done enough crying lately.

“Did I know what?”

I shook my head frantically. “Never mind, I've gotta go.” I sidestepped Alec and made my way back to class.

Before I got two s
teps away, he pulled me toward the front door of the building. “You're skipping class and coming with me. It would seem you need to talk.”

I didn't fight him. He was right, even if I didn't want to admit it. Alec was the only person
who knew my parents—that's the way it should have been. Luling was a new start away from New York.

Alec didn't take me far. We stopped at the bottom step of the main entrance. As I looked over my shoulder at the front doors of the building
, my mind flashed back to orientation. The brilliance of the sun and smell of fresh air invaded my senses. For just a minute, the dreary state I'd been in all morning washed away. I remembered thinking life would change, be better than before, but apparently, I was wrong. Life had changed, but so far ,I was on the fast track of returning back to the way things were, rather than getting better. At least it had only taken two years.

“What. Is. Going. On?” Alec insisted.

When he ran his fingers through my hair and down my back, I shivered. The last couple of weeks left me worried, scared, and full of an emotion I didn't want to accept. Fear of the direction things now headed, fear of what this meant between Eric and me, fear of my parents.

“My parents
paid Eric to be my secret bodyguard. He's been watching me since day one and giving them a weekly report on my
activities
.”

“He's been doing
what
?” Alec's voice cracked at the end of his question.

I nodded. “You heard me. I'm not going to repeat it.”

“And what did you say to him? I hope you aren't planning on dating him any longer.”

A few minutes passed before I said, “I asked him
if he quit. He said he had.”

Alec's
brow furrowed.

I continued,
“Eric isn't someone I can just let go. I know that what he's doing—or did—is wrong. I do, I promise.” I touched Alec's cheek to get his attention. “Alec, I need you as a friend right now.

“
I want to try and work things out. If I didn't love him it wouldn't be a big deal to walk away from him right now. But all day, while I'm pissed as hell, I've been thinking about him. Wondering whether or not he was telling the truth. When I called Mom before I left for San Francisco she’d been telling the truth. They had hired him. I don’t know when he quit. But I’m worried about what will happen now that they aren't helping financially. Lunch about killed me. We sat next to each other, but it felt like we had a world separating us. I know you don't know how it feels. You've never been in love, and maybe it's not love. With the way things have gone the last couple of weeks, this could be the remnant of emotional overload. Either way, I can't just let him go.

“You're my rock
, and you know that. Without you, I never would have left New York. Please, Alec, please don't leave me over this. There's only one person who I trust with my sanity. You. You're the only person. As strong as my feelings for Eric may be, right now I don't know if I can do this. My fucking parents and their crazy ass way of making people think they care is hell on me. But you, Alec. I trust you. I need you.”

His skinny arms wrapped around my waist. They were nothing in comparison to Eric
’s, but the warmth he provided as a friend was exactly what I needed.

“Carissa, I'll be here for you because you're like a sister to me. But I swear on my uncle's life
, if he hurts you, I will do the same to him. You mean too much to me. As your friend, I won't let you make a stupid decision and get hurt.”

His piercing stare scared me. Alec was serious. He'd hurt me if that's what it took to keep Eric from hurting me. The worst part was
, I knew I'd forgive Eric before Alec. And what kind of friend did that make me? A fool in love is what.

“I think you were right to tell him you needed some time. Listen, Logan's got something planned
, and when he tells you about it, I think you need to go with him on it.” Alec rubbed his hands up and down my arms wiping away the goose bumps even though it was warm outside.

“I'll think about it. Look, I'm gonna go back to my
place and try to get some sleep.”

*
* * *

I grabbed my sketchpad and went for a walk
later that evening. My favorite spot in the nearby park was empty. I took advantage of the full moon and spent some time people watching those who were also walking. I observed their movements. The way couples held hands or looked at each other as they sauntered down the path, and the way a female runner's hair swished back and forth as she ran along the path.

My muse came to life as I watched the leaves blow in the wind and the shadows of the moon dance across the park. So many of my ideas came from inspiration I gained while sitting on the park bench taking everything in. Being there at night exposed me to different sights and sounds than during the day. Rather than birds singing, owls hooted. Chirping crickets could be heard all around
, and the shadow of the moon formed faint outlines of croaking bull frogs on the water. Mist rose from the surface of the pond before whipping through the sky.

The bench creaked and shifted until I looked to my left to
find Alec sitting next to me. His leg propped up on the bench, watching me carefully. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, just needed some fresh a
ir. I took a nap earlier and couldn’t go to sleep tonight. Go figure.” My eyes drifted to my sketchpad. Instinctively, my fingers moved over the page, a rough sketch starting to take form.

“Why is it so easy for me to
think about running back into his arms? I mean, I hate my parents. I haven't talked to them since I left. I know I've called them occasionally to offer birthday wishes or wish them a Merry Christmas, but not like a real conversation. Eric's been watching me, spying on me. I finally find out, get pissed off, then want to run right back into his arms. You said to listen to my heart, and I am. But it doesn't make any sense why Eric has such a different effect on me.”

Alec held his arms out and motioned for me to slide over. As I scooted into his side
, he stretched one leg out so I could move closer and snuggle up to him. He wrapped both arms around me and kissed my head. “Baby girl, you aren't screwed up. You're in love. You know you are, but the feeling is still new. Yeah, what Eric did was shitty. And yes, you have every right to be pissed off. But, I'm not sure it means you have to leave him altogether. I know he loves you.”

I tilted my head up to see his expression.
Alec had such an animated face. Looking at him was the best way for me to see the truth. “Yeah.”

Alec and I sat on the bench for a while, not talking just watching. My thoughts drifted from one thought to the next, always coming back to Eric and me.

“How are you and Sean?”

“We're good. He's sweet, but we won't last.”

I glanced at Alec. “And that's okay?”

He chuckled.
“Yeah, it's fine. I like him. We go out and have fun. It's all I'm looking for right now. He's a great kisser too, which is an added benefit.”

That was Alec, never one for long term relationships, only wanted to have fun and meet new people, but not ready to settle down. I thought that was the way I would be. Eric wasn't my first boyfriend, just the first one I loved.

“So what are you going to do?” Alec asked.

I thought about what Eric
had done and put myself in his shoes. I couldn't, without a doubt, say I wouldn't have done the same thing. Knowing my parents and how they manipulated people, refused to back down when they were being denied something they wanted, I imagined how I would have handled the situation. In the chance that I would have made the same choice, then how could I stay angry with Eric?

“I dunno. I want to be mad at him, but it's impossible. I don't think it's entirely his fault. Granted, I don't understand the motivation behind everything, but I guess I can understand it to some degree.”

“Makes sense to me. Good thing we are like-minded
.” Alec laughed and ruffled my hair.

“I'm going to go to New York.” I had no clue where that came from. Going to New York was at the lowest of any to-do list.

Alec stiffened behind me. “You're going to do what?” his voice lowered at the end of the question.

“I'm going to New York.” When I said it a second time I knew it was what I needed to do. I was mad at my parents, and I needed to confront them. I also wanted Eric to meet them. “I'm going to take Eric to meet my parents.”

“Okay, you know what I said about you not being crazy?”

I nodded.

“I lied. You are certifiably crazy. In fact, I think we should take you to the hospital now.” Alec pushed me forward. “What in the hell would possess you to go to New York?”

“It just seems like the right thing to do. If I were to go to a shrink
, they'd tell me to face my fears. Well, I think I'm going to go face my fears.”

“I think it's time for you to go back to your place and get some sleep. If you wake up in the morning still wanting to go
, let me know.”

I shouldn't have been surprised by Alec's reaction. Now that he knew what
had happened, he would fight the hardest to keep me from going back. I knew that, but I was pretty sure he was wrong about me needing some sleep. It wouldn't make me change my mind. “Fine.”