Love and Chaos: A Growing Pains Novel (25 page)

Jace paced back and forth, guilt eating away at him, but now anger threaten
ed to consume him. Peter didn’t even seem to care. He sat there, unruffled, totally blasé about some other guy—his
brother,
no less—kissing his woman. She deserved better. She deserved a man who would rip off an arm because she asked him to. Who would go to the store in the middle of the night to fulfill some whim because she smiled.

Before he could help himself, he turned to Peter and unloaded. “She needs to be doted on, Peter. She likes it. She likes when someone goes looking for her. She likes when someone jokes around with her, or guides her. She likes all that stuff. She might not say it, because she doesn’t want to admit
it, but she flourishes with it. I know I don’t know her as well as you do, only a couple of days, but making her smile is a treasure in itself. Can’t you see that?”

Peter star
ed up at him, picking at his nail. He didn’t show remorse. Or that he understood. He was a block of fucking ice.

Jace scrubbed his hand through his hair again, trying to prevent himself from punching the wall. “Look, I’m not trying to scare you. And I know this is some bullshit
coming from me, but Peter…God damn it, when Dad says ‘man-up’, it is completely superficial. That’s a bunch of bull—owning the world and swinging around a giant dick. That’s garbage. What it is to be a man is looking after your woman. Your family, if you’re lucky enough to have one. Being a man means putting the needs of a loved one in front of your own. Of protecting your loved ones from pain of any kind. So when you don’t pay attention to her, when you ignore her to hang out with someone else, that’s showing her you don’t care. That’s causing her pain. And
that
is not being a man.”

Jace squared off, stared down at his brother, daring the kid to tell him that he did treat Cassie properly. Instead, Peter said, “You’re right.”

Jace nodded once, that resolved. “Fine. Then where do we go from here? I can’t really leave this house because I don’t have anywhere to go. But I’ll stay away from her. I won’t even hang out in the same room.”

“I’ve been scared,” Peter reflected, looking down at his lap. “And
I
am
hurting loved ones.”

Jace stared
at his brother, downtrodden and trembling. Peter reached up to wipe away a tear.

“Jesus, man, I’m…” Jace stalked forward and put his hand on his b
rother’s shoulder. “Sorry, Pete. Honestly, I don’t know what came over me. I…she…I just…”

“It’s not that.” Peter shook his head and wiped
Jace’s hand off his shoulder. “Can you go back across the room please?”

“Yeah, sorry. Sure.” Jace backtracked
. It was possible he could be more uncomfortable, but he wasn’t sure how.

“Staying away from her will hurt you. She, likewise. She was ready to meet you, and you wer
e obviously ready for her. Life is all in the timing, I think. And then there’s Marcus to think about. He only hints and bitches, but this whole situation with the family makes him insecure.” Peter wiped away another tear.

“Look, I…” Jace didn’t know what to say. He didn’t really even know what Peter was talking about anymore.

“I was so desperate to be the man Dad wanted, I stopped being the man I should be. I hate that idea—
man.
I stopped being the
person
I should be.”

Silence
rang through the air as Peter drooped further over his hands. Jace stood, hands limp at his sides, not sure how to progress. “Look, Peter, I have to be honest—I don’t know what direction this conversation took…”

Peter took a breath so big it straightened him for a second before bending back down. “I’m gay.”

All the gears in the room ground to a halt. Jace stared. Open mouthed, slack jawed, stared. Then, “What?”

“I’m gay,” Peter repeated
, staring at his hands in his lap.

Jace
continued to stare at his brother, his world reeling. He didn’t know any gay people. Theoretically, he didn’t give a crap. When celebrities came out and the press called that news, he rolled his eyes. Who cared?

But his own family?

Peter? Gay? With another guy?

Jace shivered and resumed his pacing. Jace wasn’t built that way, with the liking other guys thing.

He couldn’t help but shiver again.

Probably better to stop thinking about that aspect of things.

Peter was gay.

Jace couldn’t believe it.

Peter. Gay.

Peter,
the little boy that Jace always protected from Nick and Demetri. The same little boy Jace picked on when he got bored…gay.

“How long have you known?” Jace asked softly. That probably was the wrong thing to ask, but he was drawing a blank.

“I suspected shortly after puberty, but with Dad…you know, I tried. I dated girls, and lost my virginity to girls and everything. But…I’m just not into them. I’m into them as much as you are into other guys.”

“Let’s not…” Jace swung
his arms to loosen up. Again, he didn’t know what else to do.

“No one knows?” Jace asked, really kind of wanting to go running, or hit a punching bag, or work out in some way. Man things. He wanted to do things he thought of as masculine.

“No one in the family. Well…for sure. I think Jenn and Rachel have figured it out.”

Dawning.

Jace blinked in understanding of what Nick had said. Jenn had obviously mentioned that she thought Peter was gay, and he was trying to work it out.

“Why haven’t you told anyone?”

Peter gestured toward Jace with raised eyebrows.

“Right.”
Dumb question.

Jace dropped his head
to think. He’d just finished telling Peter what it was to be a man. What would he do now, turn his back and walk away because Peter subscribed to a different lifestyle? It was still Peter, with the fun loving smile and sweet disposition.

“I have t
o admit,” Jace said with a half-smile. “This is not how I expected this conversation to go.”

“Yeah.”

“And Cassie is here to keep you under the radar?”

“And then she fell in love with you, yeah.”

All the air rushed out of Jace’s lungs. He was so hell-bent making sense of this news, he forgot the reason he came in the first place. A loud rushing filled his head.

“Did she say that?” Jace could barely hear his voice it was so low.

“No, but I can tell. I could from the beginning.”

“And that’s why you asked me to watch out for her. You knew I liked her. And that she would like me looking after her.”

Peter wiped his cheek again. “She kept my secret even though she wanted to be closer to you. You aren’t really to blame for last night—I’m sure she instigated.”

“No, she didn’t,” Jace rebutted.

Peter huffed to himself. “She did, you just thought with your penis instead of your head. She might not’ve known it, but she did.”

“Just—“ Anger was rising again, taking away from what was going on in this room. J
ace didn’t want any fault placed on Cassie.

And then yet another flash of dawning hit him. “She said
‘stop’ to protect you. She didn’t want to have to explain why it was really okay for us to…”

“And to protect you. She knew you wouldn’t respect her if you went through with it—either you would’ve chastised her for lying, or for blowing my cover. Girls never have it easy where sex meets men’s judgments, did you notice that? Straight men have all these rules they think a woman should live by, and a whole dif
ferent set of rules they live by. Cassie, the dear heart that she is, let you stay in the world of your expectations.”

“I don’t need a lecture, Peter, thanks.”
Jace’s chest had started to fill with warmth. Cassie had taken on the role of protecting the one guy Jace had always watched out for. She had had Jace’s back without Jace even knowing it. And what’s more, she had been honest about the whole thing. She hadn’t lied, she’d just done what was expected within the boundaries required.

“I love her.” He couldn’t help it
; he needed to say it out loud. He needed to admit it.

“She’s no picnic.”

“Neither am I. Aren’t you going to point out that it’s only been a few days?”

Peter brought his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. He looked up at Jace with red, glassy eyes. “No. When you know, you know. I knew when I met Marcus. I met Cassie through
Marcus.”

All these revelations. Everything fitting solidly into place. All to hide who Peter really was.

“I don’t care, Peter,” Jace said, hoping to reconcile that statement to being the truth. “I don’t care about you being gay. You have to give me a while to get used to it—I’ve known one thing with assurance my whole life, and now I realize that was completely wrong—but I will get used to it. It’s not a big deal.”

Tears flowed freely down Peter’s face. “Thank you,” he whispered, lowering his chin to his knees. “I don’t want to lose my family over this.”

Jace stepped forward, hating to see his brother like this. “Can I…put my hand on your shoulder again? I’m not really a huggy kind of guy, you know, with another dude, but…”

Peter gave a watery smile.

Jace closed the distance and squeezed his brother’s shoulder. He shook it a little, just for a small bit of violence. He couldn’t help it.

“Are you going to tell the others? Dad?”
Jace asked softly.

“Yes. I think I’ll wait until we’re about ready to leave, though. I don’t think Dad is going to take it that well.”

That was an understatement. Their father would take it all kinds of wrong. Probably while extremely angry and disgusted.

Suddenly,
Jace’s problems didn’t seem so bad.

“Does this mean… I mean, do you mind if I…” How to be Awkward, 101. Jace should teach a class.

“Go after Cassie, yes. She desperately hopes you still want her.”

Jace’s
balls started to tingle and his stomach become knots. Oh, he wanted her all right. And he’d get her. Now there was nothing in his way.

“Just…if you can, be discrete,”
Peter said. “If they think she’s with you, they’ll wonder why she isn’t with me.”

“Right. Of course. Got it.”

Jace stood around, not quite sure what to say now. All he could think was, “I’ve got your back, okay? When the shit hits the fan with Dad, I’m on your side.”

Peter squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. “Thanks.”

Jace backed to the door. He’d never felt so awkward in his life. “Cool. Good talk.”

Peter laughed silently. “Just go.”

Jace turned for the door immediately.

“Oh, and Jace?”

“Yeah?”

Peter looked up and met his gaze. “She liked
what you did last night. How you did it, I should say. Said she felt exhilarated. Hasn’t met a guy who had the right amount of dominant teamed with safety. If I were you, I wouldn’t tell her what you intend, I’d just do whatever you did last night, and reach for home.”

“A gay guy is giving a straight guy ti
ps on how to woo a girl?” Jace couldn’t help a jubilant smile.

“Gay guys listen…”

Jace barked a laugh. “Touché.”

He could barely feel his feet as he made his way down the stairs. His mom was carrying a platter of sandwiches outside, and he really wanted to sidestep her and go find Cassie. Obviously, that would be wrong.

“I got it, Mom.” Jace stepped in and took the tray.

“Oh, Jason, I didn’t hear you. Yes, thank you. I’ll just get the pretzels.”

Jace carried the sandwiches outside, his gaze scanning the grass as soon as he walked through the sliding glass door. He saw her immediately, in the same seat as earlier, reading her book with the sunshine casting her in an ethereal glow. As he set the tray down on the table, she looked up.

“Food. Good, I’m starving,” Nick said bouncing up with Emma in his arms.

“I’ll take her, Nick.”
Jenn had climbed out of her chair next to Cassie and come over at the sight of sandwiches. “I’ll feed her while you eat.”

“Thanks, babe.” Nick handed over the baby and kissed his wife on the forehead before scooping up a sandwich. “What is this, ham?”

Cassie’s gaze had not left Jace’s face. “I don’t know. Just eat it.”

“Jesus, bro. All sunshine and flowers today, huh?” Nick moved away, biting into the mystery meat sandwich.

Jace watched Cassie approach, his stomach fluttering, and turning over, and knotting up, and then fluttering again. He had to keep his cool—he couldn’t be obvious about this—but he wanted her so bad he could barely contain the need to rush her and sweep her up.

The hard on wasn’t helping much, either.

“Hi.” Her voice sounded like bells.